It Ain’t The Emmys Without Chicken Cutlets

A flock of pigeons out of Prince’s ass carrying a dreamcatcher crashed into Phoebe Price’s head, but that didn’t stop the international supermodel and the hardest non-paid hustler in Hollywood from singeing the carpet fibers at the Emmys with her her charbroiling posing skills. Every year, the nominees (except for Mad Men who will still be nominated posthumously even after the show gets cremated and sprinkled into a whiskey) and host changes at the Emmys, but one thing always stays the same: Chicken Cutlets is always there to fill a bitch’s seat when they’re not in it and if she happens to leave a butt burp that smells like star dust and burnt bouillon on it, then they should consider themselves the real winner of the night!

I can already hear you PP haters (let’s call you Incontinent-als) asking, “But Michael, it wasn’t the Ho Stroll Strollers Who Don’t Have A Real Job Awards, so why was PP there?!”) Please do your research before you ejaculate the hate from your fingertips. I’ll have you know that Chicken Cutlets played the pivotal role of “Marie – Customer with Car” in an episode of The X-Files in 1993. PP is practically TV royalty! The academy obviously knows they wronged Chicken Cutlets by not giving her an award for that groundbreaking performance, so they bring her back every year and quietly honor her in the backroom with a special ceremony (aka seat filler orientation). And PP also makes a few extra coins from handing out mints in the women’s restroom during commercial breaks. The Emmys is NOTHING without her.

And here’s a few pictures from last night’s shit (don’t worry, I’ll get to the attack of Goop’s gut in a second). In order: Chicken Cutlets, Kyle Richards, Chris Colfer, Christine Baranski, David Boringanus with his wife (their high school prom pose game gets an F), Elisabeth Moss, Azteca from Antz, Joel McHale with Rainn Wilson, Julia Stiles, Kelly Osbourne, Lea Michele, LL Cool J, EMMY WINNER Margo Martindale!!!!, Padma Lakshmi, Rico Rodriguez and Taraji P. Henson.

Looking Good, Jason, Looking Good

Brit Brit could use a fine dusting of White Cheddar Cheetos dust to dilute the naranja grease and I wouldn’t be mad at her if she let a baby possum eat a few hairs from her brows, but her weave looks fresh out of the plastic bag so I’m going to move on to her boyfriend Jason Trawick.

We’ve all said that Jason looks like if Sam Trammell tried to shapeshift into a sea turtle and got stuck halfway, but I’ve always been on the fence about him. And not in a “shimmy my ass on a fence” kind of way. I mean in a “would or wouldn’t” kind of way. But after staring at these pictures of him escorting Brit Brit to a benefit for the St. Bernard Project in L.A. last night, I can say with complete confidence that I would.

But this is coming from a bitch who winks on the inside whenever a skinny junkie on the Bowery asks me if I’ve got a dollar for them in my pocket. Because if anybody looks like he’s on his way to a morning job interview set up by his methadone clinic counselor, it’s Jason Trawick! Yes, definitely would and I might even give him a pocket dollar afterward.

And at that Hurricane Katrina benefit last night, Brit Brit and Jason were joined by: Kelly Osbourne, Bristol Palin’s face idol, Taryn Manning and Hilary Duff.

Who The Hell Is Going To Give Kelly Osbourne Gastric Band Surgery?

When the chunk started melting off Kelly Osbourne and she eventually shrunk to the size of a dormouse’s pinky, there were some hos saying that she got there from bypassing her gastric like her mom Sharon Osbourne did. At the time, Kelly bagged those rumors with her old big girl jeans, threw it in the river and watched it drown. Kelly basically denied all of this. But now the extremely reputable news source The Daily Star (I know, I know…) is hearing that Kelly is considering cinching her stomach, because she’s gained a few pounds.

One of the reasons why Kelly want to pinch her stomach is because she just got a job as the new face of Madge’s clothing line and she’s afraid she’ll get dropped for a skinnier ho. Okay, there are many reasons to get lap band surgery. But one of them is not so you’ll lose a job as the face of a brand that is only sold at fucking Macy’s. This much I know. But let’s read what some source said about this shit, anyway.

Kel’s at her wit’s end over her weight and is worried she’s putting back all the pounds she fought so hard to lose,” a friend told the Daily Star Sunday. “She’s recently been on holiday and put on ­almost a stone while ­enjoying herself.

“She got a bit of a shock when she got home and realized she couldn’t fit into her new clothes. Kelly knows a gastric band would be drastic but she’s desperate to keep the weight off.

“Being the face of Madonna’s range just adds more pressure. She’s scared of getting axed in favor of ­someone skinny if she puts on more weight.”

I love how the source called her “Kel” to make it sound more authentic. That is an excellent trick. But if this mess is true, then “Kel” is not only a sad kind of crazy, but she also better book me an appointment with her back alley gastric band doctor too. My bloated stomach looks like if a party clown blew up a skin balloon with hot beer air and shaped it into the shape of a newborn’s swole head. So if Kelly needs it, so do I! Or I’ll just get me one of those DIY gastric bypass kits.

Source: Digital Spy via Jezebel

Courtney Love Saved Kelly Osbourne’s Life…..Twice!!!!

Have you ever watched the “adrenaline shot to the heart” scene from Pulp Fiction and thought to yourself that it would make so much more sense if it starred Kelly Osbourne in the Uma Thurman role and Courtney Love in the John Travolta role? No? Yeah, me neither, but Courtney Love says it really happened like that. The truth is, Courtney’s hallucinations probably crossed paths in the dusty bowling alley dance floor in her brain and shit got mixed up, but listen to what she has to say anyway.

During a Q&A with fans on VYou, Courtney was asked how long she’s been sober. Courtney answered since October ’05 and then her crazy train crashed at full speed into Kelly Osbourne’s station. Apparently, Kelly and Joan Rivers called Court a “crackhead” during E!’s Fashion Police the other night and bitch didn’t appreciate it. Court went into some mumbling rant about how she saved Kelly from dying of an overdose twice! Courtney is a regular Dr. Quinn of the crackhouse!

According to Court, Kelly took a little too much blow and Oxycontin one night, and ended up foaming at the mouth. Court, being the Captain Saveacokeho that she is, did CPR on Kelly and “put things in her boobs.”

Can you imagine that scene? Like a MadTV skit. Courtney blowing even more coke dust into Kelly’s mouth in between suctioning her nipples with a turkey baster and sticking random syringes into her tits. If Courtney put her mouth on yours and blew, your lungs would turn into dust and the Grim Reaper would show up to cover you in a Hazmat tarp before dragging you into a hot Silkwood shower. So I’m not sure I believe that she’s the Vincent Vega to Kelly’s Mia Wallace.

Courtney then said that she’s sick of being the punchline and Kelly knows how sober she is. Courtney is so sober that she’s only had one bump recently, only been drunk a few times this year, drinks rosé and sometimes takes Sonata and Abilify. But that’s it!

There are two things I learned while watching this: a) I need to check my free clinic plan to see if they list Courtney Love as one of their back alley pharmacists of choice, because she really knows a lot about meds. b) If I ever overdose on coke and OxyContin, make sure Courtney is not around, because I really don’t want our tongues touching ever.

What A Difference A Year Makes

This time last year, Vanilla Gorilla was making the award show rounds with Sandra Bullock, right before the Bombshit McGee hit the fan, and here he is back in his monkey suite with Kat Von D at the The Art of Elysium charity gala in L.A. last night. And Vanilla Gorilla still looks like he’s in the middle of an embalming fluid colonic and the technician is like, “HOLD IT IN!!!” Just uncomfortable as all hell.

Kat Von D, wearing a dress so tight I can see the outline of her labia tattoo, is all over his ass and he’s just standing there as stiff as an Alfred Hitchcock silhouette poster hanging over a hillbilly’s trailer toilet. It’s like he’d rather be at temple than in front of the camera. But not Kat Von D. Bitch is loving it. She wants you to talk about the ring on her LOOKIMNOTENGAGEDIMJUSTLOOKINGFORFUCKINGATTENTION finger. Moving on…

You know, The Art of Elysium gala should have temporarily changed its name to the Art of Asylum gala, because bitches looked straight-up CRAZY last night. Julia Stiles was greasy and bloated for no reason. Unless her reason is that she’s pregnant with a pizza slice from Chuck E. Cheese. Seriously, you can wring out a slice of Chuck E. Cheese pizza and have enough lube to last night you the rest of the year.

But nobody brought the crazy last night the way Rachel Griffiths (below left) did. Rachel was in Six Feet Under, so she usually gets a free pass from me, but I cannot ignore this disaster. Bitch, Jane Child (below right), YOU ARE NOT.

Leave the frizzy Beeker mullets to the professionals! Rachel was definitely trying to summon the second coming of Jane Child, but she looked more like Billy Ray Cyrus at his audition for the role of Magua in The Last of the Mohicans. Rachel, meditate more or fire your hair stylist so this never happens again.

Here’s a few others at last night’s event including: Kat Von D with VG, Rachel Ray Cyrus with her husband Andrew Taylor, DEVO!!!!, Eva Mendes, Kiki Dunst, Rachel Bilson, Leighton Meester, Nicole Richie, Amber Heard, James Franco, Camilla Belle with Jakey, Julia Stiles, Gerard Butler, Jennifer Hate Hewitt and Kelly Osbourne.

Kelly Osbourne Tells Us How She Really Feels About Her Ex-Piece

This is why you should never trust an escapee from The Village of the Damned who looks like SamRo with an unpruned Bieber cut. Kelly Osbourne broke up with her ex-fiance Luke Worrall months ago, but she claims that lately he has tried to pull the parking BRAKE in her heart and get back with her. That was just the fuel that Kelly needed to unleash a rage-filled Twitter monologue (a Twitterologue, if you will) where she called him a famewhoring cunt (1 point for Kelly) and claims he down low dicked hundreds of chicks AND dudes while he was with her. Since I will never get tired of seeing a stale Twinkie pop its cream out, Kelly needs to show us pictures or it didn’t happen.

Here’s the words spilled all over Kelly’s Blackberry this morning. Let “BRAKING Up Is Hard To Do” be the soundtrack for Kelly’s meltdown:

MissKellyO
@Luke_worrall is the biggest piece of shit he has been trying to get back w/ me I only came home for Xmas to see him mean while he has been

MissKellyO
Fucking 100’s of girls as we as men behind my back all he did was use me all girls beware of @Luke_worral he is a using Cunt!

MissKellyO
He used me for my money and a free ride he is lucky I am not spilling the hole truth about what he did!

MissKellyO
He is the worst thing that ever happened to me I don’t give a fuck what happens to him anymore

MissKellyO
Iam and always will be 2 good 4 @luke_worrall darling ur pretty face will only get you so far because u don’t have the brains to back it up

MissKellyO
Dont think I have ever felt so stupid he made a fool of me going to be off Twitter for a while never felt heart brake like this in my life

Luke responded by Twating this out:

luke_worrall
lies on twitter awesome

I love a good Twitter rant as much as I love the half-popped kernel at the bottom of the popcorn bowl and Kelly O pretty much covered all the bases. Even though we all figured Luke was a Herp-a-Derp gold digger who would suck on a seed beetles’ spiked dick if it earned him a blurb in OK! Magazine, I’m glad Kelly is sitting on the same page with us now.

And will one of you please get into the gay porn game so that you can use “Hole Truth” as your stage name. That name can’t go to waste.

via Daily Mail