Touched By A Golden Girl

Elton John wants his name to be on the list when he gets to Heaven, so he made sure to invite earth angel Betty White to his Oscar viewing party last night. Betty White was kind enough to mingle with mere mortals like Posh and Michelle Rodriguez (who probably tried to creep on Betty’s prune cake).

Most of us would be busting into a soul seizure if Betty White touched our hand, but look at Posh being typical Posh by trying to act like she could care less. Or maybe she’s busy trying to deal with the psychical pain she’s suffering on the inside from Betty White’s grip slowly breaking her weak hand bones. Although, that’s not saying much since a handshake from a ghost would hurt frail ass Posh.

Here’s a bunch of other hos who showed up for the camera clicks and free booze. They are: The world’s memaw, Michelle Rodriguez, Posh, Alan Cumming, KD Lang, Stacey Dash with Jamie Foxx, Christina Hendricks, Debi Mazar, Kelly Osbourne, Sharon Osbourne, JHud, Salma Hayek, a freshly washed Joaquin Phoenix, RuPaul, Scary Spice, a trio of bossy bottoms, Niecy Nash, and Harvey’s second favorite pet donkey (next to Peter Andre, of course).

But Who’s Going To Take Care Of Her Shiba Inu Puppy?

Kelly Osbourne is giving this rehab shit another go since I guess it didn’t stick the first time. These things happen. The Shiba Inu 6 break up, so you drown your sorrows in some of the bad shit. Then you wake up in the gutter with chapped nipples and a leaky ass. I’m not speaking from experience or anything….

Sharon Osbourne says Kelly is indeed in rehab! She confirmed it to RadarOnline: “Yeah, Kelly’s in rehab. What else can we say? She knew that it was the right thing to do at this point and we’re proud that she did it. The family is all standing behind her. Kelly knew that she needed help and she’s getting it. We just pray that everything’s going to be okay. This is one of the absolute worst things that a parent can face, for their child to go through rehab. And not once, but twice.”

Sharon said the whole family has been busy lately working on their variety show (NOT ANOTHER VARIETY SHOW!!!) for Fox. Sharon kept her mouth shut on what Kelly’s poison is. She said Kelly will tell us all herself when she busts out of the tank. Star Magazine claims Kelly’s at Hazelden in Oregon.

Okay, back to that variety show shit. That’s what drove Kelly to jump off the wagon with both hands waving in the air! We may all need rehab after watching it. But seriously, I hope Kelly’s Shiba Inu puppy is okay after going through all of this shit. Sharon should set up a webcam for it, so I can care for it. I have experience being a mother to Shiba Inu puppies. Hundreds of hours of experience. If Sharon needs a resume, I can show her my Firefox history from November through December.

Kelly Osbourne Got Her Ass Arrested

No, she wasn’t arrested for wearing that lipstick. She was arrested for slapping a whore who called her fiance “stupid.” Kelly obviously learned from her mother that when a bitch talks shit about your loved ones, the best way to handle it is to spank them in the teefs.

The shit went down last August inside a club in London when gossip columnist Zoe Griffin made fun of Kelly’s dude Luke Worrall for not knowing what an earthquake is. Kelly flipped out and allegedly slapped Zoe. In her column in The Mirror, Zoe quoted Kelly as saying, “I have an issue with you. My boyfriend knows what an earthquake is and everyone has been laughing at him and he’s upset.” The two started arguing and that’s when Zoe felt Kelly’s hand on her mug.

The police in London confirmed that a 24-year-old chick was arrested by appointment. She was given a court date in March and was released back into the world on bail.

If you don’t know what an earthquake is, you definitely have a “vacancy” sign hanging inside your skull. Kelly slapped the wrong bitch. Kelly should’ve busted a fist earthquake on her man’s head instead for not knowing what that shit is. Don’t hate on a truth-teller.

Source

The Shiba Inu Frenzy Lives On!

Real talk. Those girls in the back are going crazy for the Shiba Inu puppy. They don’t even notice Kelly Osbourne, because Shiba Inus are the new Jonas Bros. And they have better howling voices and aren’t ashamed to lick their genitals out in the open. I know Kelly’s puppy isn’t a member of the Shiba Inu 6, but seeing his face still made me go on over to their old home on the web. Do me a favor, don’t go there! It’s so fucking depressing. It’s missing six PUPPIES!!! trying to commit first-degree murder on each other. The empty Shiba Inu puppy cam is what the inside of my heart looks like.

Kelly Osbourne Is A Frequent Visitor To The Free Clinic

In her younger days, Kelly Osbourne was a drunk druggie slut who passed her bare vagina around like she was Sienna Miller at a Married Men’s Convention. Kelly says those days are over, but she’s still worried about possibly catching STDs.

She tells the Daily Mail: “Alcohol and drugs impair your judgment. I know it’s because I was drunk that I had unprotected sex. I’m not the kind of person who talks about my sex life, but I’m not afraid to talk about contraception. I go three, maybe four times a year to get tested (for sexually transmitted infections) and most of the time I don’t even need to. I just go for peace of mind.”

Correction: She won’t talk about her sex life unless there’s a reporter in front of her who will publish it in some kind of major paper.

It’s a good thing she gets tested several times a year. I mean, she did use to hang out with Parasite Hilton. I need to head down to the free clinic every time I stare too long at a picture of Wonky McValtrex.

And I’m sure most of those celebrity whores are forced to get checked several times a year. Shit. Wonky McValtrex probably has a lab in her own house. It’s a requirement if she wants to stay off the CDC’s “Most Wanted” list.

Blame It On A Shitty Cupboard

A faulty cupboard is to blame for Kelly Osbourne’s jacked up eye. Kelly was at home with a “stomach bug” (aka mega diarrhea) when she went to grab a glass from her kitchen cupboard. The bitch must be strong because the entire cabinet came crashing down on her, cutting her temple and busting up her eye. I fucking bet you that cupboard came from Ikea and Ozzy Osbourne installed it. Either that or the cabinet was sick of hearing her bitching and moaning.

Kelly’s spokeswhore said, “She was suffering from a stomach upset all weekend, which meant she couldn’t go out anywhere, and then this happened. She is fine now, though.”

And if suffering from a raccoon eye and shitty ass wasn’t bad enough, Kelly has also learned that her show “Project Catwalk” (the UK version of Project Runway) has been canned!

Oh well! Kelly, hold your shitty asshole and drown your sorrows in a big bottle of Jack Daniels! It’s the cure for everything.