Carmen Electra Joined OnlyFans

When I was a kid I thought Carmen Electra and Denise Richards were the most beautiful women in the world. Long, sandy hair, dark eyebrows, blue eyes, big lips, and huge ’90s titties. My taste could be described as “frat-esque.” Anywho, Denise recently had a minor comeback with The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and now it’s 50-year-old Carmen’s turn to get her butt back in the spotlight. And I mean that literally, because Carmen has joined OnlyFans!

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Kim Kardashian Kept It Demure With Some Smushed Undertitty Action At The Hollywood Beauty Awards

First of all, for real? Hollywood Beauty Awards? I guess at this point the make-up artists and beauty teams in Hollywood deserve whatever awards they can get their hands on because it’s not like you can perform Photoshop in real life like it’s a spell from Harry Potter. And of course, what event surrounding image would be complete without an appearance from Kim Kartrashian in some ugly shit from the Haus of Look At Me. As usual, her smile was missing from her pictures as well as half of her damn outfit.

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And Here’s Amber Rose As A Zombie Peg Bundy And Carmen Electra As A Glam Chola

We’re still 10 days away from the streets filling up with tricks dressed up as a slutty Ebola strain (“You mean Paris Hilton, right?” – you), a slutty Hazmat worker, a slutty butt plug Christmas tree, a slutty Olaf from Frozen and a slutty Ice Bucket Challenger, but Amber Rose celebrated Halloween early last night by throwing herself a costume party for her 31st birthday in L.A.

Nick Cannon’s maybe piece and the future ex-wife of the stoned scarecrow Jack Skellington did herself up as Peg Bundy if Peg Bundy was in a crossover episode of The Walking Dead and Married With Children. Amber’s guests included Carmen Electra as a glamorous new money chola as seen through the eyes of Liberace, Blac Chyna as a stripper nun, someone as a pregnant Tupac, Karkoochie Tran as a doormat and The Difficult Brown as a dried, crusty menstrual prune.

Amber Rose as Zombie Peg Bundy IS the look and I only say that because for a good 3 seconds I seriously thought Spaz de la Huerta got a bad chemical face peel, dyed her hair brassy ginger and got Kim Kartrashian’s ass surgeon to implant 3 plastic hams in her ass. If anybody says to you, “You’re kind of giving me Spaz de la Huerta vibes,” you should immediately shellac yourself from head to toe. That look should be preserved forever.

And I fully expect The National Zombies Association to slap at Amber Rose for doing zombie face.

Pics: Splash

Carmen Electra Keeps It Demure For Her Date With Travis Barker

I shouldn’t have even bothered to stick Dennis Rodman’s crusted-over scab face on Carmen Electra’s titty knob, because we’ve all seen it. Anybody who has breathed in oxygen has seen Carmen Electra’s nipple. Anybody who has committed cold-blooded murder after getting email #4,907 from LinkedIn in one day HAS seen Carmen Electra’s nipple. Anybody who has fapped to the Property Brothers and felt slightly weird about it afterward HAS seen Carmen Electra’s nipple. Anybody who as a kid told their friend’s mom to drop them off at another house because their front yard always looked fucked up HAS seen Carmen Electra’s nipple. We’ve all done all of those things and we’ve all seen Carmen Electra’s nipple. And everyone who ate dinner at Crossroads restaurant in West Hollywood last night saw it for the ten billionth time.

Because we live in a strange society where running around naked is considered not right and sometimes illegal, Carmen had to put on clothes before going to dinner with Travis Barker. But Carmen got around that whole “must wear clothes in public” shit by putting on a sheer dress that showed the nipples we could all sketch from memory even if we fell into a coma for 10 years and woke up not knowing much.

Carmen and Travis make sense together, but I have no idea what they talked about. They probably sat there pushing their food around until she heard the whistle from the paps she called. They went outside and she posed POSED posed while he got the car. Since she’s done Dennis Rodman on the regular, they drove to the nearest Hazmat facility where they boned on a tarp in a temp-controlled room (Fact: Germs grow in heat) before getting sprayed down with a mixture of bleach, ammonia and liquid antibiotics. Strangely enough, besides the paparazzi shit, that’s pretty much how all my dates have gone too.

Kelly Osbourne Dressed Up As a Satin Glide Tampon For Halloween

And one soaked in vodka, if the glazed look in her eyes and the two-man-lift it took to get her off the curb is any indication. I know, I know, I’m gross. But not as gross as what I came across when I was fact checking types of tampons. DO NOT CLICK IT unless you’re in a safe place to throw up or a glutton for punishment. I’m also going to need a head start if you want to come after me because I’m a natural gimp and trip a lot.

Kelly partied at Bootsy Bellows last night dressed as Carrie after a hard week of butting her giant, bargain basement Mrs. Slocombe head against Lady Gaga’s collection of various ‘roided out craft projects and hating on cake. Who the fuck hates on cake? Satan himself could send Dina Lohan to my door with a Fudgie the Whale cake, for which she had to Rockette kick a motherfucker in the face at Carvel and I’d be digging into that shit before I could tell White Oprah to get off my lawn.

Also pictured are  David Arquette, Carmen Electra and her tits, Joanna Krupa (delicately squatting in the gutter like all angelic beings), Shenae Grimes with her husband Josh Beech, and party host Adam Lambert.

(Pics via SplashNews)

Nope, This Totally Isn’t A Stunt

Carmen Electra can pop out her titty balls all she wants, but they’ll never come close to being as naturally plum or as luscious as the extra large man dumpling that decorate Simon Cowell’s chest. Does Ryan Seacrest come over every afternoon to gently brush the cashmere soft hairs on her nipple-topped chest pies? I think not. Anyway, before Carmen and Simon had a tit-off for the paps in front of Cecconi’s restaurant in West Hollywood, InTouch says they were making everyone inside scream for the check by touching tongues.

Carmen was a guest judge on Britain’s Got Talent earlier this year, but she was wearing an engagement ring from Rob Patterson at the time. But now that she’s single, she’s craving the urge to watch Simon’s empanada chichis bounce up and down while he hits it from the front. Someone who witnessed Simon and Carmen get gross with each other said that “at one point, they were talking real close, and he leaned in and kissed her. They started making out!”

Carmen usually gets with the kind of dude who thinks he’s bad shit, is covered in tattoos and is so hard he probably wears a clip-on ring on his foreskin, so maybe she’s finally grown up and realized that it’s best to get with a man whose toilet looks like Scrooge McDuck’s vault, because he shits gold coins!!!! And it’s also best to get with a man who you can share bras with.

But really, Carmen really does look like she’s found true love….with the cameras. Homegirl can’t take her eyes off the lens.