When I think Drew Barrymore, I think of child rehab, Charlie’s Angels, daisies, and the term “hopeless romantic” (her words). Hence all the failed marriages. Number one was way back in ’95, to bar owner Jeremy Thomas. They broke up after two months. Then she got hitched to Tom Green (pictured above in all his Canuck goateed glory), and that survived five months (improvement!). Her third husband was art consultant/son of the former CEO of Chanel (oo la la!) Will Kopelman,. Will is also the father of her two daughters, Olive, 7, and Frankie, 6. They lasted an entire presidential term: 2012-2016, which is eons in Barrymore marriage time. According to math, patterns, and exponents, 45-year-old Drew’s next marriage should last roughly fifty years. But she insists she’s done with that shit.
We should’ve known in January 2016 that the year was going to be a real disaster when it was announced that month that Joseph Fiennes was playing Michael Jackson in a British TV production. That bit of fuckery was foreshadowing and we should’ve saged the rest of the calendar when we had the chance.
My brain protected my soul by forgetting that news, but I was reminded today when UK’s Sky Arts shat up the terrifying first trailer for Urban Myths. Urban Myths features stories from the past that may not be true and it includes the magical one about how Elizabeth Taylor, Michael Jackson and Marlon Brando drove from NYC to Ohio in a rental car after the 9/11 attacks. In Urban Myths, Stockard Channing plays Liz and Brian Cox plays Brando. This train wreck also features a story about Hitler (played by Iwan Rheon) and his friend (played by Rupert Grint). Grab a jumbo-sized vat of holy water and press play:
Those prosthetics look like expired homemade playdough and the guy who plays the cop deserves a million awards for this. Because he was able to say the line, “Michael?“, instead of running for the nearest church after taking in the sight of what looks like a deranged Team America puppet of Criss Angel that was sculpted from an old vanilla candle. This is obviously satire, because there’s no way that cop would look at that nose and say, “Michael?” That nose is way too big. Shameful.
In “No, This Isn’t From The Onion” News: Joseph Fiennes Is Playing Michael Jackson In A British TV Movie
A few years ago, Sam Kashner, a contributing editor for Vanity Fair, gave us the 9/11 road trip story of our dreams. I’m sure you’ve already memorized this story word for word and you tell it to yourself every night before bed, but I’ll give you the quick version anyway. Sam claimed that on 9/11, Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando were all in NYC for his concert. After the attacks, Michael’s friends in Saudi Arabia told him to get the hell out of NYC because they believed more attacks were going to happen. MJ, Liz and Marlon couldn’t take a private jet since the airspace was closed, so they rented a car and drove themselves out of there. Marlon apparently made them stop at almost every KFC and Burger King and they got as far as Ohio. One of Elizabeth’s assistants said the story was a lie. But who cares, I still wanted Hollywood to make that movie because it’s a perfect story. Well, it’s being made into a movie and the casting is filled with more WTF than the story.
The Guardian says that one of the most magical moments in history will be made into a dramedy for the British channel Sky Arts. Joseph Fiennes is going to play Michael Jackson, Stockard Channing is doing Elizabeth Taylor and Brian Cox has been cast as Marlon Brando. I guess Joseph’s casting was announced in December and either I missed it or it was full of way too much fuckery for even my brain to digest and I blacked it out. But Joseph said this about the movie back in December:
“It’s a challenge. It’s a comedy. It doesn’t poke mean fun, but it’s a story, possibly urban legend, whereby Michael, Marlon Brando, and Liz Taylor were all together the day before 9/11 doing a concert. Airspace was shut down and they couldn’t get out and Michael had the bright idea to go to hire a car and drive. It’s a fun, lighthearted tongue-in-cheek road trip of what celebrity of that kind is like. But also it’s rather beautiful and poignant about their relationships as well.”
Since they cast the dude from Shakespeare In Love as Michael Jackson circa 2001, they should’ve kept the question marks coming by casting Brian Cox as Elizabeth Taylor and Stockard Channing as Marlon Brando. Was Detective La Toya not available to play MJ or something?! What am I saying? Of course she’s not available. Making a Murderer’s Steven Avery probably hired her to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING for him.
And it’s a good thing Cameron Crowe isn’t directing this because he would’ve cast Emma Stone as MJ.
Well, this is equal parts weird and sweet. Colin Farrell told the Ellen show (via USWeekly) that he and Elizabeth Taylor became acquainted after he sent his best wishes to her through her manager when they were both at Cedars Sinai years ago- Colin for the birth of his son, Henry, and Liz for a stent in her heart. Afterward, he says the two were thought twins and sent each other flowers, and he went on to chronicle the relationship between the two that followed.
A week later, Farrell asked if he could visit her. “I asked Danica, and she made some calls, and I got to have an audience with her,” he told DeGeneres. “And that was the beginning of a year and a half or two years of what was a really cool [relationship]. It was kind of like the last — it feels like in my head, not hers, I’m projecting — but the last kind of romantic relationship I had. Which was never consummated.”
Farrell went on to detail their late-night phone calls. “It was really cool, and she wasn’t much of a sleeper at night, like I’m not, so at two o’clock in the morning, I’d call her,” he said. “I’d call her at two in the morning, and the nurse would answer the phone, and I’d say, ‘Is she awake?’…And then I’d be on the phone and I’d hear, ‘Hello?’ And I’d go, ‘How’s it going?’ And we’d talk for a half an hour, an hour, into the wee hours.”
“She was a spectacular, spectacular woman. I wanted to be [husband] number eight, but we ran out of road.”
Wait, what? Is that how it works? We can call relationship dibs on whoever we have the most poignant phone conversations with? If that’s the case, the annoying telemarking company with the blaring cruise ship horn will need to put a motherfucking ring on it because our romantic tango of them calling and me screaming, “Fuck off!” is as poignant as it gets.
Before you all start throwing tomatoes at my ass, I know Colin meant that the connection he and Liz built over two years was deep and beautiful (and as touching as this Craigslist ad). It’s sad he never got to be Liz’s Love Potion Number 9 at the altar. Colin’s lasting love for Liz is also a great motivator for staying on the wagon, lest he finds himself drunk and high on Lindsay Lohan’s doorstep, begging her to put on her bootleg Lifetime Liz wig so he can get a taste of how life could have been in another time and place.
Lifetime’s Liz & Dick set the bar so high* for Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton biopics that I’m surprised anyone is trying to top its brilliance, but BBC America is. This is the first promo picture of Helena Bonham Carter as Elizabeth Taylor and Dominic West as Richard Burton in Burton & Taylor, which follows the two as they reunite to star in Private Lives on Broadway in 1983. HBC looks like a different person when she’s not covered in Tim Burton drag. I hope HBC saved that wig, because she should definitely wear it to play Suzanne Sugarbaker in the Designing Women movie that needs to happen. Of course, HBC already shit all over LiLo’s Liz with just one picture, but that’s not hard to do. HBC’s tonsil stone would make a better Liz than LiLo.
And Dominic West is looking at us like he wants to touch us wrong before beating us in the face with a mallet. I don’t know if he’ll make a good Richard Burton, but he’d kill it if he played an English professors/weekend serial killer.
* I might be confusing “set the bar so high” for “Lindsay Lohan got high at the bar every night.”
I declared to myself that Julianne Moore could do no wrong when I watched her tearfully cry out, “I sucked other men’s cocks,” in Magnolia, but she has done wrong for the first time in the history of forever.
At the Bvlgari Celebration of Elizabeth Taylor’s Jewelry Collection in Beverly Hills last night, the ginger goddess wore a $6 million diamond and emerald necklace that Richard Burton gave to La Liz during the shooting of Cleopatra in Rome. Some source tells People that when Julianne walked into the room, everybody including Drew Barrymore, Kiki Dunst, Naomi Watts and Marisa Tomei stopped to stare at the necklace. Yeah, the entire room pressed pause, because they couldn’t believe that Julianne wore that necklace with daytime hair, a red dress and beige heels. Who wears that necklace with beige heels?!
Who ever styled Julianne did her ass wrong in the worst way possible. The only way to wear that necklace is to wear it with a headdress made of hypodermic needles, e-cigarettes and an FTD bouquet.
That necklace just doesn’t shine on Julianne Moore the same way it shined on Elizabeth Taylor. But maybe that’s because Lindsay Lohan snatched the real one and replaced it with a replica made of beer bottle glass and Barbie earrings. That’s probably the real case.