On Tuesday night, UK’s Sky Arts wet farted up the trailer for Urban Myths and I’m sure that night, many had trouble sleeping, because every time they closed their eyes, they saw the terrifying image of Joseph Fiennes looking like a melting Matt Lauer Claymation figure in lazy Jack White cosplay. Michael Jackson’s 18-year-old daughter, Paris Jackson, pretty much feels the same way and spit out her feelings on Twitter.
We should’ve known in January 2016 that the year was going to be a real disaster when it was announced that month that Joseph Fiennes was playing Michael Jackson in a British TV production. That bit of fuckery was foreshadowing and we should’ve saged the rest of the calendar when we had the chance.
My brain protected my soul by forgetting that news, but I was reminded today when UK’s Sky Arts shat up the terrifying first trailer for Urban Myths. Urban Myths features stories from the past that may not be true and it includes the magical one about how Elizabeth Taylor, Michael Jackson and Marlon Brando drove from NYC to Ohio in a rental car after the 9/11 attacks. In Urban Myths, Stockard Channing plays Liz and Brian Cox plays Brando. This train wreck also features a story about Hitler (played by Iwan Rheon) and his friend (played by Rupert Grint). Grab a jumbo-sized vat of holy water and press play:
Those prosthetics look like expired homemade playdough and the guy who plays the cop deserves a million awards for this. Because he was able to say the line, “Michael?“, instead of running for the nearest church after taking in the sight of what looks like a deranged Team America puppet of Criss Angel that was sculpted from an old vanilla candle. This is obviously satire, because there’s no way that cop would look at that nose and say, “Michael?” That nose is way too big. Shameful.
Yesterday, many of us said to ourselves, “I don’t remember dropping acid for lunch,” when it was announced that Joseph Fiennes is playing Michael Jackson in a British TV dramedy about a rumored road trip that La Toya’s brother took with Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando after the 9/11 attacks. Stockard Channing is playing La Liz and Brian Cox is playing Brando and that seems about right, so brains spit out a question mark over Shakespeare playing MJ. I mean, the nose is all wrong.
Joseph Fiennes is out promoting some movie and Entertainment Tonight asked him about this fuckery. They also brought up how some people think it’s wrong that he, a white dude is playing Michael Jackson. Joseph had the same explanation a lot of people had, which is, “MJ was white!”
“I’m a white, middle-class guy from London. I’m as shocked as you may be.
[Jackson] definitely had an issue — a pigmentation issue — and that’s something I do believe. He was probably closer to my color than his original color. He was probably closer to my color than his original color. It’s a light comedy look. It’s not in any way malicious. It’s actually endearing.
It’s kind of off the wall, but the writing is a delight, and the kind of interaction between the three of them is funny, and also full of pathos. It’s people who are so iconic, but also can be detached. You know, you can get detached from society. So it’s examining that kind of wonderful and mad detachment.”
What the makers of this future peyote-infused train wreck should’ve done is just cast Tilda Swinton as all the roles. When you’re unsure, just cast alien nymph Tilda Swinton.
In “No, This Isn’t From The Onion” News: Joseph Fiennes Is Playing Michael Jackson In A British TV Movie
A few years ago, Sam Kashner, a contributing editor for Vanity Fair, gave us the 9/11 road trip story of our dreams. I’m sure you’ve already memorized this story word for word and you tell it to yourself every night before bed, but I’ll give you the quick version anyway. Sam claimed that on 9/11, Michael Jackson, Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando were all in NYC for his concert. After the attacks, Michael’s friends in Saudi Arabia told him to get the hell out of NYC because they believed more attacks were going to happen. MJ, Liz and Marlon couldn’t take a private jet since the airspace was closed, so they rented a car and drove themselves out of there. Marlon apparently made them stop at almost every KFC and Burger King and they got as far as Ohio. One of Elizabeth’s assistants said the story was a lie. But who cares, I still wanted Hollywood to make that movie because it’s a perfect story. Well, it’s being made into a movie and the casting is filled with more WTF than the story.
The Guardian says that one of the most magical moments in history will be made into a dramedy for the British channel Sky Arts. Joseph Fiennes is going to play Michael Jackson, Stockard Channing is doing Elizabeth Taylor and Brian Cox has been cast as Marlon Brando. I guess Joseph’s casting was announced in December and either I missed it or it was full of way too much fuckery for even my brain to digest and I blacked it out. But Joseph said this about the movie back in December:
“It’s a challenge. It’s a comedy. It doesn’t poke mean fun, but it’s a story, possibly urban legend, whereby Michael, Marlon Brando, and Liz Taylor were all together the day before 9/11 doing a concert. Airspace was shut down and they couldn’t get out and Michael had the bright idea to go to hire a car and drive. It’s a fun, lighthearted tongue-in-cheek road trip of what celebrity of that kind is like. But also it’s rather beautiful and poignant about their relationships as well.”
Since they cast the dude from Shakespeare In Love as Michael Jackson circa 2001, they should’ve kept the question marks coming by casting Brian Cox as Elizabeth Taylor and Stockard Channing as Marlon Brando. Was Detective La Toya not available to play MJ or something?! What am I saying? Of course she’s not available. Making a Murderer’s Steven Avery probably hired her to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING for him.
And it’s a good thing Cameron Crowe isn’t directing this because he would’ve cast Emma Stone as MJ.