BREAKING: Kristen Stewart Cut Her Hair Into A Weird Orange Hair Pile

I had two major thoughts while looking at this picture of Kristen Stewart at the Chanel Paris Fashion Week show. Yes, two – my brain was working extra hard this morning for some reason:

1. What the hell even is that smile supposed to be? It looks like KStew is trying to pull a Side Eyeing Chloe (the key word here being trying; KStew can never reach the level of flawless toothy DILLIGAF glamour of Chloe).

2. What picture of Blossom-era Joey Lawrence did Kristen Stewart bring in to her stylist? Was it this one? What am I saying, OF COURSE it was that one.

Kristen Stewart dyed her hair the same color as recalled tainted baby food for the movie American Ultra, but there’s no word on why she decided to go one step further up the fug ladder by chopping it all off. I’m guessing it’s also for a movie, and that movie is a biopic of Burnie, the Miami Heat mascot. Judging by how busted that hair is, combined with the fact that KStew’s acting range is limited to various shades of boredom, I’m guessing KStew plays Bernie during his awkward teen years. I smell an Oscaaaaaar!

And my say something nice is this: I always wondered what it would look like if early-Twlight Robert Pattinson moved out to the country, dyed his hair with some flea market Feria, married a drywall installer named Darryl and started hosted Passion Parties from the garage. And now I know! Thanks Kristen!

Here’s more of Kristen at the Chanel show wearing some shitty genie pants and $10 white pumps. Real talk – she looks like a dollar store Jasmine doll I had as a kid, and that’s all I’ll say about that. Also in attendance was Phil Collins daughter, the chick from the vampire show, Kaa from The Jungle Book wearing an Anna Wintour wig, and Jesus’s coke-dealing stepbrother Jared Leto.

Pics: Splash

I See Someone Found A Cheap Gina Montana Costume In The Discount Bin At Party City

I know, how dare I; Scarface’s glamorous sister would never leave the house looking like a dumpy Long Island party girl who trades sloppy hand jobs for $5 worth of speed and a ride to Burger King.

Proving once again that they’re the most brilliant con-artist of our time, Lady Gaag’s lazy-ass stylist pilfered a grimy wig and a shitty shirt from the bus station lost and found, grabbed a pair of fishnets and boots from under the bed, deemed it POST-MODERN HIGH-ART HOOKER, and dropped it off to Gaag in a Hefty bag with an invoice for $3000. And since Gaag still needs to hustle ARTPOP and that damn ARTPOP Magic 8 Ball Tour or whatever it’s called, she shook the cigarette butts and loose change from the wig and cut them a check.

Lady Gaag was spotted out in New York earlier today dressed like the skanky 1st grade teacher at my elementary school who always wore 4-inch white leather pumps and smoked du Maurier Avanti’s in her Trans Am in the parking lot. I’ll always remember her because one time she subbed in for our teacher and I asked her to help me spell something, and she told me to use a “magic squiggle”, which was literally just a fucking wiggly line. She probably invented it one night after attempting to write a fan letter to Tom Selleck and realizing she’d drank too many wine coolers (yes, this was the 80s, and yes, she probably tried to write the letter using one of these). Don’t get me wrong, she was alagant as hell, but she was also a busted mess.

Here’s more of Lady Gaag reminding us just how quickly one can run out of ideas by working some third-rate Rick James drag queen realness in New York earlier today.

Pics: Splash

Ashton Kutcher In “City Slickers 3: The Legend Of Douchebag Mountain”

“Legend has it that up on Douchebag Mountain, there lives a 10-foot tall human bottle of Summer’s Eve who sleeps on a pile of trucker hats and white v-neck t-shirts, and feasts on the phone numbers of cocktail waitresses and part-time models. Could be real. Could just be douchebag folklore, like a Squintsquatch or The Abominable Snowslut. We might never know.”

The reason why Ashton Kutcher is dressed up like Jessie the Cowgirl’s loser ex-boyfriend who sells his Grandma’s pills on Craigslist for a living is because he’s at the Stagecoach Music Festival is happening this weekend in Indio, CA. Stagecoach is kind of like Coachella’s chicken-friend cousin; just swap out the feathered headdresses for cowboy hats and cowboy boots (basically, take Vanessa Hudgens and put her in Tami Taylor drag). But Ashton Kutcher didn’t stop at cowboy hat and cowboy boots. He went full rodeo clown (you never go full rodeo clown) with some Simple Jack coveralls and a neckerchief. All that’s missing is a cap gun and a plastic Sherrif badge, and he’d look like he should be begging his mom for a horsie ride at the grocery store.

Here’s more of Hopalong Kutcher at Stagecoach, along with Mila Kunis, who deserves a 10-minute standing ovation for agreeing to been seen in public with Ashton dressed the way he is. Not to mention the fact that he probably started dropping the Gs from the ends of words and kept referring to Mila as ‘mighty purdy-lookin‘.

Pics: Wenn, Splash

Looks Like Someone Got A Johnny Depp Costume For Her Birthday

Amber Heard is sooooo lucky; that’s pretty much the best Johnny Depp™ costume I’ve ever seen. She even got a real Johnny Depp™ Old-Timey Hat and two Johnny Depp™ Totally Random Necklaces! I’m super jealous. I asked for a Johnny Depp™ costume for my birthday too, but all I got was a cheap plastic smock with a picture of Gilbert Grape on the front.

Today marks Amber Heard’s 28th birthday, and to celebrate, the grimy-looking human mid-life crisis she’s engaged to treated her to a day of shopping in New York City. I don’t know where they went shopping, but I can guess they probably bought at least one of the following things: a shirt that’s meant to be layered with 4 other shirts, huge silver thumb rings, some kind of $50 non-shampoo, moth-eaten hats. After a long day of shopping, Johnny finished granting all of Amber’s birthday wishes by calling the paps for her. “Awww, how did you know?? I’m the happiest little stunt queen in all the land! Quick, give me back my engagement ring.”

Here’s more of Jamber Juice returning home from a long day of shopping for secretly-expensive worn out-looking garbage clothes (hey, it takes a lot of money to look as homeless as Johnny Depp) as well as Johnny cleaning up the tiniest bit to take Amber out for dinner on Monday night. I always forget what Johnny Depp looks like when he does normal person drag; if he took off that weird taupe pussy hat, he could actually pass for handsome (“Nope” – Wino-era Johnny Depp). And Amber, honey, I suggest you bury that red velvet suit in the back of the guest bedroom closet, because there’s only one person who can pull off red velvet, and her name is Stacy Layne Matthews.

Pics: Splash

Introducing Gaga’s Laziest Look Yet: Girl Covered in Cheap Flowers With Red Thing On Her Head

“Yeah, so I got a nude body stocking, a bag of silk roses from Crafternoon Delight, a red pair of pantyhose from my mom’s underwear drawer. I call it Flora…something something…Gaga Artpop. Trust me, it will look super edgy and arty and post-modern and Marina Abramovic-ish. Can I have my $3,000 now?” – No longer giving a sweet fuck, thy name is Lady Gaga’s stylist.

Lady Gaga arrived at the Roseland Ballroom last night to perform the first of several concerts before the NYC venue closes its doors for good. And true to Gaga form, she took all the attention away from the Roseland Ballroom by wearing a ME ME ME IT’S ALL ABOUT ME outfit upon arrival. Sweet sassy jesus, will you let them have a moment without barging in and shitting your tired community college theatrics all over it? Listen to me; confusing Lady Gaga for someone who isn’t freebasing delusion.

Everything about Gaga is a mess, I know, but something feels particularly amateurish about this get-up. I mean, she hot glued fabric roses onto a body stocking, for chrissakes! Even Adore Delano from RuPaul’s Drag Race is looking at this and thinking that bitch needs to put in a little more effort. What I’m trying to say is, Gaga’s costume is so lazy, it reminds me of one of Adam Sandler’s cheap Halloween ideas from SNL. “Hey, I’m crazy red string hat lady! I’m wearing a crazy red hat with strings! In case the crazy red hat is not enough for you, I’m also red rose nipple lady! I’m also wearing roses on my nipples! Now gimme some attention!”

Pics: Splash

Behold! A Time-Traveler From The Summer of 2012!

It feels like just yesterday that every girl under 30 was locking themselves in the bathroom with their boyfriend’s ball hair trimmer, listening to Call Me Maybe on repeat as they haphazardly shaved off half their hair (and immediately regretting their decision once they realized they look like Dr. Kimberly Shaw from Melrose Place). Apparently Game of Thrones actress Natalie Dormer didn’t get the memo that shaved heads died last year alongside #YOLO, because she showed up to the SAG Awards last night looking like a bad-attitude suburban preteen-bot from Blade Runner. And that says nothing of the stapled-on ‘sleeves’ on her dress; that’s the kind of shit you do when you’re a dumb 17-year-old going to art school prom. “OMG I’m going to spray paint the bag these clementines came in and glue them to my dress because YOU CAN’T SILENCE MY CREATIVITY!!”

Here’s more of Natalie Dormer being as bad as she wanna be while looking like the poor man’s Miley (and that’s already the poor man’s everything) along with hot oldies Rita Moreno (who won a Lifetime Achievement Award) Helen Mirren (who won for Phil Spector) and Emma Thompson, Jennifer Lawrence – who I promise I won’t say anything mean about (even though those damn faces she’s making are begging me to), Our Lady of Bow Down, Bitches Lupita Nyong’o, Kaley Glen Coco (wearing her backup wedding dress), Julia Roberts IN A PANTSUIT, those Modern Family hos, OPRAH, Mimi (who was ROBBED of a Razzie nomination for her performance in Lee Daniel’s The Butler) and many more! Because – for real – they invite anyone who’s ever been near a television or an AMC theatre to the SAG Awards (I’m looking at you, Pauley Perrette).

(Pics via Splash, Wenn)