Derek Jeter Got Married

July 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Do you think they recycled his leftover “sex thank you” gift bags for the wedding favors? Former New York Yankees deity and industrious slut Derek Jeter married Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Hannah Davis in Napa Valley yesterday. They were engaged in October of last year. Just once, I want to see one of these celebrity sportsball dudes marry a civilian. Like a bank teller. Or a supermarket bagger. Or me. My husband would fully support this and make all the necessary arrangements. He’s good like that.

People reports that Mr. and Mrs. Jeter were married in an “intimate ceremony” at the Meadowood Napa Valley Resort in St. Helena, California. The bride wore the customary Vera Wang gowns (one for the ceremony, and one for the reception).

For you dress enthusiasts, her mermaid wedding gown featured “a sweetheart neckline, tulle halter high neck and plunging back.” It was just COVERED in layers of tulle and hand-appliqued Chantilly lace. Her reception dress was a “V-neck charmeuse halter gown with white illusion tulle detail at waist and double silk georgette A-line skirt accentuated by side godets.” “White illusion” sounds like Donald Trump’s secret campaign slogan. I had to look up what “godet” means. It’s a triangular piece of cloth that induces “flare.” I need more godets in my wardrobe. We all do.

There were less than a 100 guests and not a lot of celebrity involved, mainly just his sportsball friends.

Jeter retired from baseball in 2014 and has previously hinted that he wants to bat some viable sperm into his new wife’s outfield. Look, sports analogies aren’t my thing. I run like a girl. Actually, that’s totally sexist. I run like a really gay guy.

I hope at least one of those recycled wedding gift bags accidentally retained a blister pack of Valtrex signed by Jeter that reads “THANKS FOR A GREAT NIGHT. THIS IS JUST IN CASE…HUGS!”

Pic: Twitter

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