With Nick Cannon safely in the hospital for the moment and Elon Musk otherwise occupied with preserving freedom of speech for all whitemankind, the erratic market for looming babies’ futures is at an all-time low. Or it was until Baldwin Babies Inc. CEO Hilaria Baldwin appeared on Extra to announce their 4th quarter projections, hinting at the possibility of one or more looming baby offerings in the new year. As we know, Baldwin Babies Inc. has been under SIEGE this year after CIO (Chief Insemination Officer) Alec Baldwin was involved in the accidental shooting death of cinematographer Halnya Hutchins while moonlighting as a producer/actor on the film Rust. CEO Hilaria noted in her announcement that while the BBI is “not ok,” and “can’t be ok” following the tragedy, Alec has yet to “do his part,” (*SNIP SNIP* see above) to thwart BBI’s prospects for a bountiful 2023.
If you’ve been following Pete Davidson’s personal life trajectory from goofy Saturday Night Live guy to goofy dude that lands an astounding amount of famous hotties, then you might think that Pete’s end game is to be “that guy” who eventually turns 89, and writes a 2000-page memoir titled To All The Hot A-List Brunettes I Banged Before. But according to Pete, he’s just a dude who eventually wants to get married and have kids. Someone get Kris Jenner an absorbent towel, as she likely just started salivating over the ratings for a very special six-part episode of The Kardashians called “May The Fourth (Wedding) Be With Kim.”
Olivia Munn is promoting
her upcoming baby her role in the psychological drama Violet and did an interview with the LA Times. She mostly talks about her pregnancy, her relationship with John Mulaney, and the hate she’s been getting from Mulaney-stans who chose Anna Marie Tendler in the divorce. Except Olivia claims her whole thing is to not talk about it. She says she won’t refute rumors about her and John’s shady relationship timeline because it will “feed into a narrative that’s just not true.” She says “the only way to win, for me, is to pull back and to not play the game at all.” And that means she’s not doing a baby bump reveal on Instagram or buying any “cute maternity clothes.” Damn. I wouldn’t wish that kind of sacrifice on anyone.
Josh Duhamel has a load of baby batter ready to go and no cake pan to put it in. He’s prize stud looking for a broodmare. He’s got a pearl necklace he wants some lucky lady to use as vaginal beads (c’mon, its almost Friday). On a recent episode of Dax Shepard’s Armchair Expert podcast, Josh announced that he’s on the prowl for some hot, young womb action. He’s got one 5 year-old son he shares with his ex-wife Fergie, but he’d really like to expand his family. I guess his previous girlfriend Eiza Gonzalez wasn’t up for the job of being Josh’s personal incubator, so now’s your chance! C’mon ladies, doesn’t anybody want Josh’s spermatozoa!?
Little Leafar Von D Reyes, previously known as Leafer The Unborn, now to be known as Leafer The Spawned, has already had a rocky start to life. He’s brand new but his mother, tattoo artist/vegan warrior/anti-vaxxer/extremely weak witch Kat Von D, says that he’s already had his first health scare. In an Instagram post, Kat reported that her breastmilk failed to come in and Leafer The Spawned’s blood sugar count had been low as he was unable to nurse. Kat reports that her doctor suggested she ask around to see if any of her friends had any milk to spare. If not, she’d have to consider formula. So Kat sent out the Von D Bat signal asking for a vegan milk donor.
Carrie Underwood fans have taken issue with a comment she made in Redbook magazine, a publication that seems pretty on-brand for Carrie Underwood fans. In the same Redbook interview where she revealed the shocking truth about her life-altering faceplant (zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, wha?!), she also mentioned that, at 35, she’s worried the expiration date on her baby-making equipment is about to pass. For some reason, a number of commenters on Facebook, became incensed by this.