What In The Hell Kind Of GD Dress Is This?

The Creative Emmy Awards (aka The Your Shit Isn’t Good Enough For The Emmys That Shows On TV ceremony) was held in the employees break room at the Staples Center in L.A. yesterday and Christina Hendricks landed on the red carpet looking like this. I’m guessing Christina is saving the panty creaming theatrics for the REAL Emmys next Sunday, but still, how does this happen? For some reason, this dreadful look reminds me of when my 12-year-old self used to wrap Christmas presents with bed sheets and bows made of pillow cases. I don’t know if bitch fell into the curtains or the curtains fell into her.

Where are the chichis?! Whenever Christina comes out wearing a low-cut neckline with her chichis pouring out like thick white clouds of ethereal mist rising above Mt. Olympus, some hating whores always have to say shit like, “Ugh! She always has to show her tits! We know she has tits! Why does she always have to remind us she has tits?” Shut your mouth on a training bra, bitch. We need to be reminded. Remind us, Christina! Remind us, Christina! It’s like we’ve all seen a beautiful sunset a million times and yet whenever there’s a beautiful sunset before us, we take a picture of it with our iPhone, upload that picture to Instagram and then refresh a million times waiting for our friends to say, “OMG what a beautiful sunset!“

Christina’s chichis are like a beautiful sunset. They never get old, they’re a work of natural art and they’re best viewed while eating cheeses and sipping table wine on a picnic blanket with our friends.

And speaking of shit that didn’t need to happen last night. Jeremy Davies won a Best Guest Actor in a Drama Emmy for the acting stuff he did on Justified, and he collected his trophy with this on his head:

That hair is only okay if you’re Dominic from The Real World: Los Angeles or a guinea pig who just got gang banged in a tornado.

Here’s the others who showed up to last night’s Emmys Stepchild Awards: Juna from The Comeback, Nick Offerman with Megan Mullally, Padma Lakshmi, Dot Jones, DJ Tanner, Margaret Cho, Melissa McCarthy (looking like a Mennonite bridesmaid), Brenda Strong and Neil Patrick Harris with his hags.

It’s The 2012 Emmy Nominations (Alternate Title: My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding Was ROBBED!)

When the Emmy nominations are announced every year, I already know that my face is going to fall into a puddle of cold disappointment, but only because 80% of the TV stuff I put my eyeballs on is made of one hundred percent shit and the only way they’d get any nominations is if the Emmy hos decided to do things differently by nominating the absolute worst. But this year, there are a few noms I’m happy about. YAAASSS at Zoey from Nurse Jackie! YAAASSS at Jessica Lange from American Horror Story! YAAASSS at Veep! YAAASS at Uma Thurman from Smash! I’m only YAAASSSing at the last one, because Uma was so damn terrible that she was kind of brilliant. Give her all the Emmys.

The list of who I think should file a police report for getting ROBBED is way too long to list. I mean, where’s a nomination for Madeline Stowe’s portrayal of an ice cube with a stick permanently shoved up its ice cold ass on Revenge? Where is the nomination for who ever’s responsible for the high budget production values on Ringer?  Where the hell is RuPaul’s nomination? May every wig fall off of its owner’s head on Emmy night as punishment for telling Ru to sashay away.

But you know, it could be worst. At least the Emmys kept it Kuntrashian-free. That’s always the bright side of any situation that a Kuntrashian hasn’t shoved herself into. The nom list for the main categories is after the jump, but click here if you want to see the full list. JUMP!

COMEDY SERIES
The Big Bang Theory
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Girls
Modern Family
30 Rock
Veep

COMEDY ACTOR
Jim Parsons as Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory
Larry David as Himself in Curb Your Enthusiasm
Don Cheadle as Marty Kaan in House of Lies
Louis C.K. as Louie in Louie
Alec Baldwin as Jack Donaghy in 30 Rock
Jon Cryer as Alan Harper in Two and a Half Men

COMEDY ACTRESS
Lena Dunham as Hannah Horvath in Girls
Melissa McCarthy as Molly Flynn in Mike & Molly
Zooey Deschanel as Jess Day in New Girl
Edie Falco as Jackie Peyton in Nurse Jackie
Amy Poehler as Leslie Knope in Parks and Recreation
Tina Fey as Liz Lemon in 30 Rock
Julia Louis-Dreyfus as Selina Meyer in Veep

SUPPORTING COMEDY ACTOR
Ed O’Neill as Jay Pritchett in Modern Family
Jesse Tyler Ferguson as Mitchell Pritchett in Modern Family
Ty Burrell as Phil Dunphy in Modern Family
Eric Stonestreet as Cameron Tucker in Modern Family
Max Greenfield as Schmidt in New Girl
Bill Hader as various characters in Saturday Night Live

SUPPORTING COMEDY ACTRESS
Mayim Bialik as Amy Farrah Fowler in The Big Bang Theory
Kathryn Joosten as Karen McCluskey in Desperate Housewives
Julie Bowen as Claire Dunphy in Modern Family
Sofia Vergara as Gloria Delgado-Pritchett in Modern Family
Merritt Wever as Zoey Barkow in Nurse Jackie
Kristen Wiig as various characters in Saturday Night Live

DRAMA SERIES
Boardwalk Empire
Breaking Bad
Downton Abbey
Game of Thrones
Homeland
Mad Men

DRAMA ACTRESS
Glenn Close as Patty Hewes in Damages
Michelle Dockery as Lady Mary Crawley in Downton Abbey
Julianna Margulies as Alicia Florrick in The Good Wife
Kathy Bates as Harriet Korn in Harry’s Law
Claire Danes as Carrie Mathison in Homeland
Elisabeth Moss as Peggy Olson in Mad Men

DRAMA ACTOR
Steve Buscemi as Nucky Thompson in Boardwalk Empire
Bryan Cranston as Walter White in Breaking Bad
Michael C. Hall as Dexter Morgan in Dexter
Hugh Bonneville as Robert, Earl of Grantham in Downton Abbey
Damian Lewis as Nicholas Brody in Homeland
Jon Hamm as Don Draper in Mad Men

SUPPORTING DRAMA ACTRESS
Anna Gunn as Skyler White in Breaking Bad
Maggie Smith as Violet, Dowager Countess of Grantham in Downton Abbey
Joanne Froggatt as Anna in Downton Abbey
Archie Panjabi as Kalinda Sharma in The Good Wife
Christine Baranski as Diane Lockhart in The Good Wife
Christina Hendricks as Joan Holloway Harris in Mad Men

SUPPORTING DRAMA ACTOR
Aaron Paul as Jesse Pinkman in Breaking Bad
Giancarlo Esposito as Gustavo ‘Gus’ Fring Breaking Bad
Brendan Coyle as John Bates in Downton Abbey
Jim Carter as Mr. Carson in Downton Abbey
Peter Dinklage as Tyrion Lannister in Game of Thrones
Jared Harris as Lane Pryce Mad Men

DIRECTOR, DRAMA SERIES
Tim Van Patten, Boardwalk Empire
Vince Gilligan, Breaking Bad
Brian Percival, Downton Abbey
Michael Cuesta, Homeland
Phil Abraham, Mad Men

MINISERIES OR MOVIE
American Horror Story
Game Change
Hatfields & McCoys
Hemingway & Gellhorn
Luther
Sherlock

MINISERIES OR MOVIE ACTRESS
Connie Britton as Vivien Harmon, American Horror Story
Julianne Moore as Sarah Palin, Game Change
Nicole Kidman as Martha Gellhorn, Hemingway & Gellhorn
Ashley Judd as Rebecca Winstone, Missing
Emma Thompson as She, The Song of Lunch

MINISERIES OR MOVIE ACTOR
Woody Harrelson as Steve Schmidt, Game Change
Kevin Costner as ‘Devil’ Anse Hatfield, Hatfields & McCoys
Bill Paxton as Randall McCoy, Hatfields & McCoys
Clive Owen as Ernest Hemingway, Hemingway & Gellhorn
Idris Elba as John Luther, Luther
Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock

VARIETY SERIES
The Colbert Report
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart
Jimmy Kimmel Live
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
Real Time With Bill Maher
Saturday Night Live

REALITY PROGRAM
Antiques Roadshow
Jamie Oliver’s Food Revolution
MythBusters
Shark Tank
Undercover Boss
Who Do You Think You Are?

REALITY-COMPETITION PROGRAM
The Amazing Race
Dancing With The Stars
Project Runway
So You Think You Can Dance
Top Chef
The Voice

HOST FOR A REALITY OR REALITY-COMPETITION PROGRAM
Phil Keoghan, The Amazing Race
Ryan Seacrest, American Idol
Betty White, Betty White’s Off Their Rockers
Tom Bergeron, Dancing With The Stars
Cat Deeley, So You Think You Can Dance

What In The Hell Kind Of GD Outfit Is This?

Usually, I’m all for a dress that makes eyes frantically search the chichis zone for a possible nipple slip situation, but I just can’t with the mess Jessica Chastain had on her body at the Doogie Howser SINGS! Show last night. To me, in interviews Jessica Chastain always comes off as a sweet, overexcited kitten whose eyes flare with potent glee at the sight of anything shiny, so I sort of understand why she decided to wear this shit. “SHINY! AH WANTS IT ON ME!” was probably Jessica’s first reaction to that fug mess. But it’s her friends, family and stylist’s job to gently sit on her something soft, hand her a cup of herbal tea and calmly tell her that the dress she chose makes her tits look like they fell into a coma after contracting a rare bedazzled bacteria infection. Even Jessica’s chichis are frowning at this look.

That dress has achieved the impossible by looking both slutty and frumpy. It’s like a whory memaw’s freakum dress. That dress is such a slut that it even comes with its own STD. Or maybe that shit on her dress is a sparkly green fungus only found in the enchanted forest or rotten eggs laid by a gay trout. I don’t know what it is, but I do know the free clinic should quarantine it and treat it with a topical ointment.

And Jessica made that mess look even worse by standing next to the epitome of glamorous perfection Bernadette Peters. Who let her do that and why do they hate Jessica so much?

Anyway, here’s a bunch of pictures from last night’s TONYs. In order: Jessica Cheststains with Bernadette Peters, Ellen Barkin (whose hairline should be studied by the Unexplained Mysteries people), Judith Light, Ricky Martin, NPH with his partner, Sheryl Crow, Amanda Seyfried, BP, Clair Huxtable, a pug in Endora drag, Stockard Channing, Audra McDonald, Linda Lavin and Hugh Jackmeoff with his feathered beard.

Cynthia Nixon Was The Real Winner At The Tonys Last Night

Nina Arianda of 50 Shades of Venus Fur beat out Mrs. Rojo Caliente, Cynthia Nixon, for Best Lead Actress in a Play at last night’s gay Super Bowl, but I’m pretty sure that a few hours later the full body orgasm she got from being named the greatest non-singing actress on Broadway faded away as she tucked that trophy into bed next to her. Nina stared deep into the doped up eyes of the scary face on the left on her trophy and knew that Cynthia was the real winner of the night since she got to tuck in ROJO CALIENTE!!!!

The reigning Queen and Queen of the ginger gayelles made their first public appearance at the TONYs since they resurrected the beaten horse known as the sanctity of marriage from the dead by becoming each other’s wife three weeks ago. It makes the loins of my soul tingle knowing that after all these years together, the sight of Rojo looking dapper as a motherfucker in a Men’s Warehouse tuxedo (from their debonair Hobbit collection) still makes Cynthia moist in the pits. The sign of true love IS creamy pits.

Nobody Wants To Make Out With Kristen Stewart

RPattz, whose scalp makes a cameo as the enchanted forest in Snow White & The Huntsman, was too busy doing more important things (like deep conditioning his taint hair or whatever) to show up to last night’s MTV Movie Awards, so Kristen Stewart had to accept their award for Best Kiss by herself. KStew tried to make a joke out it by begging Charlize Theron, Thor, Taylor Lautner or ANYBODY to get up there and put their lips on hers. Charlize couldn’t do it, because she was backstage putting her lips on a bong she made out of one of those popcorn trophies. Taylor Lautner couldn’t do it, because he’s not one to put his mouth on lady lips for free. So KStew asked herself, WWJAD (What would Jennifer Aniston do?) and the answer was: make out with herself!

You know, what KStew lacks in acting skills, she makes up for in awkwardness. She is beyond awkward. This one time when I was 8 or 9, I walked in on my one-legged stepmother changing her tampon over the toilet in my dad’s guest bathroom. Afterward, she sat down next to me at the breakfast table (No, we weren’t having tomato omelets, thank God!) and we ate in silence. If I could take the awkwardness I felt in that moment and mold it into a human person, that human person would be a lot like Kristen Stewart. Just awkwardness running through her veins…

Anyway, here’s a few pictures from last night. In order: Jennifer Aniston, Jodie Foster (throwing either a “Where’s a strap-on when you really need one?” or “This bitch better not ask me to make out with her!” side-eye), Johnny Depp, Ciara, Christina Ricci, Charlize, Wiz Khaliafaawhatever with Amber Rose, KStew, Emma Stone, Jessica Biel, Chris Hemsworth, Ryan Seacrest with Julianne Hough, Brooke Hogan, Ick & Nast, Jean-Claude Van Damme with guest, Emma Watson, two Fraggle Rock refugees, Marky Mark, Andrew Garfield and Russell Brand.

Taylor Lautner Got A Slimy Facial Last Night

Seen here looking happy at home with several loads of sticky, wet, thick goo all over his alpaca face, Taylor Lautner was just one of the many hos who happily got hit with a Slimer bukkake at last night’s Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards. They say this is the Kids Choice Awards, but this is really the Tommy Girl’s Choice Awards, because these pictures have made TG put the DO NOT DISTURB sign over his dungeon door while asking Xenu to forgive him for his fapping sins. Taylor Lautner + Alien Jizz = a party in Tommy’s panties!

Taylor looks a little TOO happy while covered in bright green stickiness. If a load of green goo hit me in the face, I’d wonder what kind of Gerard Butler-like disease the peen it came from suffers from? I know what pineapple does, but what does that?! I bet that’s what it looks like when you put a Parasite Hilton cream pie under a black light.

But Taylor wasn’t the only one who got slimed last night. So did Halle Berry (insert Gabriel Aubry slow clap here), and below is Justin Bieber getting slimed while Will Smith bear hugged him from behind (via CDAN):

I don’t know what happened there, but it has to be illegal in at least 1 province.

Here’s a few more pictures from last night’s mess of a show. In order!: Andrew Garfield, Kelly Taylor, Selena Gomez, Heidi Klum, Jesse McCartney, Kelly Osbourne, Katy Perry, some Garbage Pail Kid refugees, Kristen Stewart, Emma Stoner, Ashley Jizzdale, Halle Berry, The Lesbeaver with Will Smith and Michelle Obama.