Elon Musk And James Franco Have Both Been Listed To Testify At Johnny Depp And Amber Heard’s Defamation Trial

Well, this probably wasn’t the large-scale public appearance James Franco was hoping for when his agent assured him enough time had passed for James to safely launch a comeback. It’s probably not what James Franco could have predicted his friendship with Amber Heard would lead to all those years ago, but here we are. And he isn’t alone. James and Elon Musk can both bond over the awkward situation they find themselves currently involved in. Because hearings are set to begin in Johnny Depp’s $50 million defamation lawsuit trial against his ex-wife Amber Heard, and the starting lineup for testimony-tellers is shaping up to be a real who’s-who of potential courtroom messiness.

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Ellen Barkin Slapped Back At Terry Gilliam For His #MeToo Comments

Based on what I know about Ellen Barkin, which is basically her body of work and her ability to scare away intruders, I believe she is not one you want to fuck with. She survived a trailer explosion. It was in a movie, Drop Dead Gorgeous, so the lines between reality and fantasy are clearly blurred for me. The point is, director Terry Gilliam might not have seen this one coming, but he definitely should not be surprised by it.

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Ellen Barkin Spooked Away A Burglar On Her Balcony

Playing a granny with a don’t fuck wit’ me attitude on Animal Kingdom came in handy for Ellen Barkin Thursday when she woke up and discovered a burglar trying to get away with the family jewels! Continue reading

Your Ears Are Safe (For Now)

I know putting your eyeballs on that picture has made your nipples do THIS, but please stick some nipple muzzles over them, because there’s more important things to deal with.

The makers of acid leopard print Spandex didn’t think it was possible to go on with life after Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling got canceled in the early 90s and now they really won’t think it’s possible to go on with life, because LMFAO is TABSF (Taking A Break Sad Face). 37-year-old Redfoo and his partner in ear-killing/nephew SkyBlu have pressed pause on the party rocking to do their own thing. Uncle Redfoo said these words to the Associated Press (via Rolling Stone) which you’ll show to your boss after they ask you why you’re dancing topless in your cubicle while taking swigs from a bottle of tequila you keep your drawer for beautiful news like this!

“I feel like we’ve been doing this for so long, five or six years. And we’re kind of like saying, well, let’s just do what’s natural and just kind of explore that, instead of like forcing it all the time. I think that we naturally just started hanging with two different sets of people, two different crowds, but we’re always family. He’ll always be my nephew, I’ll always be his uncle.”

All the music that I’m going to make is always going to be LMFAO-ish … I love all the topics that we talk about. I was really passionate about bringing party music to the world, so I will always be making some kind of party music.”

What the hell kind of topics are they talking about? Partying, being sexy, partying, being sexy, partying and being sexy? I like those topics too, but I only like them when these two Fraggle Rock refugees don’t talk about them. It’s also hard for me to wrap whatever is left of my brain around the fact that they’re uncle and nephew? If one of my uncles and I started a musical group, it would be him drunkenly making inappropriate and semi-racist comments in Spanish while I tapped my finger against an empty Corona bottle.

You know and I just realized, that instead of being one strain of ear influenza, they’ve split into two strains! This is the sequel to Contagion, right?

What In The Hell Kind Of GD Outfit Is This?

Usually, I’m all for a dress that makes eyes frantically search the chichis zone for a possible nipple slip situation, but I just can’t with the mess Jessica Chastain had on her body at the Doogie Howser SINGS! Show last night. To me, in interviews Jessica Chastain always comes off as a sweet, overexcited kitten whose eyes flare with potent glee at the sight of anything shiny, so I sort of understand why she decided to wear this shit. “SHINY! AH WANTS IT ON ME!” was probably Jessica’s first reaction to that fug mess. But it’s her friends, family and stylist’s job to gently sit on her something soft, hand her a cup of herbal tea and calmly tell her that the dress she chose makes her tits look like they fell into a coma after contracting a rare bedazzled bacteria infection. Even Jessica’s chichis are frowning at this look.

That dress has achieved the impossible by looking both slutty and frumpy. It’s like a whory memaw’s freakum dress. That dress is such a slut that it even comes with its own STD. Or maybe that shit on her dress is a sparkly green fungus only found in the enchanted forest or rotten eggs laid by a gay trout. I don’t know what it is, but I do know the free clinic should quarantine it and treat it with a topical ointment.

And Jessica made that mess look even worse by standing next to the epitome of glamorous perfection Bernadette Peters. Who let her do that and why do they hate Jessica so much?

Anyway, here’s a bunch of pictures from last night’s TONYs. In order: Jessica Cheststains with Bernadette Peters, Ellen Barkin (whose hairline should be studied by the Unexplained Mysteries people), Judith Light, Ricky Martin, NPH with his partner, Sheryl Crow, Amanda Seyfried, BP, Clair Huxtable, a pug in Endora drag, Stockard Channing, Audra McDonald, Linda Lavin and Hugh Jackmeoff with his feathered beard.

Ellen Barkin In NYE Brawl With Cop

I was shoved by an NYPD cop on New Year’s, too! He shoved my face out of the seat of his cop pants. I like cops.

Veteran actress Ellen Barkin claims she was “shoved” by a police officer on New Year’s Eve. In the video below, you see Ellen cursing out officers about what she felt was an unnecessary arrest of Occupy Wall Street protesters. Wait, isn’t Ellen Barkin the 1%? Look at her, defying her status in life and coming to the aid of the other percentage! In her defense, she DID play one of the best trailer park mommas going. She’s done the research, and knows the life. Holy shit, I want a loop of that movie playing on my gravestone.

 Anyway, Ellen unleashed hell on her Twitter feed about the incident. Here’s some heated Twats:

“Just threatened on my street by NYPD, cop shoved me, both hands, onto sidewalk..Is it a crime 2 stand in the street in NY? WTF is going on here?”

“I was trying 2 make my way 2 young girl they had thrown in2 the van.She was not a protester. Was not drunk. She was walking home”

“F–k all of u, Bloomberg & every1 goosestepping behind u”

When you made 40 mil from your divorce, you can tell the mayor of NYC to fuck off.

Ellen’s director boyfriend Sam Levinson shot the video. So, uh, most straight guys I know would be up their with their lady trying to either A) pull her stupid ass off the street so the cops don’t arrest her or B) backing her ass up because it’s their girl. This guy ran behind a car and started taping. It’s like the 21st century equivalent of putting your coat over a mud puddle so a lady can walk across!

The Post reports that, in the video, the cop says “Sidewalk, Miss” and Ellen retorts “Get your motherfucking hands off me”. Cougar was wrought! If you Zapruder this shit, it doesn’t look like a shove, exactly. It looks like mildly irritated cop wanted mouthy actress out of the street and was kinda guiding(?) her. He did turn her around. Fucked if I know, this was the mildest shit I saw that night. NYE in NYC is CRAZED. At one point, me and the mister were in the thick of the shit, unable to move, and a small Latina woman accused me of “rubbing up against her”. Honey, unless you grew a dick, you’re not my type. She actually screamed “I don’t know why you touchin’ me!” BECAUSE WE’RE A MILLION PEOPLE IN A VERY ENCLOSED SPACE! SOMEONE’S ARM IS UP MY ASS AND YOU DON’T SEE ME COMPLAINING! I like fisting, too.

Oh, and I’m off to Manhunt Daily once again. This was a fucking BLAST. I was honored as hell to cover for my blogging deity Michael K., and to work alongside talented bitches like the hilarious blogging angel Sweetas and Lahoma. I’m not sure what gender Lahoma is but I sort of hope it’s like a cunty AI that Michael programs to cover “Hot Slut”. Like Siri’s bitch sister! You guys in the comments are rad. Yeah, some of you hated my ass and compared me to AIDS (I think I actually read that) but I did see some of you write some nice shit about me. You pierced my numb shell and ignited  a spark of gratitude in my heart, kids. Thank you.