Jean Dujardin Knows How To Pose With An Oscar

If you’re one of the lucky ones who missed the Oscars and want a full-on recap, just pour a glass of lukewarm tap water into a paper bowl full of instant oatmeal and watch as it slowly slowly slowly cooks, because that’s about as exciting as the boring mess some of us sat through last night. Everybody kept saying that last night’s show was like Werther’s Original night in the rec room of a Boca retirement home since it felt like a moth ball air kiss from the Academy to the olds, but saying that is an insult to memaws and papaws. The olds didn’t like that shit either. Trust. The olds thought they were getting a dancing Billy Crystal, but because he’s fucked with his face so much they got a dancing mummified Kim Jong-Il instead. Most of the olds probably took off their teefs and went to bed before Best Supporting Whatever was passed out.

But besides Meryl Streep’s speech, there was a bright spot among the bleakness. It came when Jean Dujardin wiped the permanent smugness off of George Clooney’s face by winning Best Actor. Then Jean Dujardin kept the tingles coming by face posing for his life in the press room with Meryl Streep. Jean Dujardin is damn fucking charming. He’s like a skinny Gaston from Beauty and the Beast without the doucheness. Sometimes his face looks like he’s starring in a toothpaste commercial from the 50s and other times it looks like he’s watching two unicorn babies slide down a complete double rainbow in the distance. Jean’s face is always set to magic.

Looking at him holding onto that Oscar trophy makes me think that he probably gives the most charming handjobs ever. I bet he smiles that twinkly smile the entire time and gives you an extra twitch in your crotch when he raises his eyebrow at you. Normally, I’d think that smiling while cumming is totally creepy, but it isn’t when you do it with smile master Jean Dujardin. It’s impossible to not feel happy inside when you’re staring at a French man whose smile makes you hear cartoon birds singing and shit.

JLo’s Areola Wasn’t About To Let St. Angie’s Right Leg Get All The Attention

JLo shouldn’t even be the second-string trophy girl at the San Juan Community Theater Awards, but for some messed up reason the Oscar Meyer Awards asked her to present some shit with Cameron Diaz last night. Maybe it was a Make-A-Wish situation and the producers wanted to the charity tax right-off, because when you Google “WHY IN ALL THE FUCKS WAS SHE THERE?!,” JLo’s mug will be smiling back at you. But whatever, JLo wasn’t asking any questions and she made sure to stretch her 15 seconds on stage by stretching her dress to the point of no return.

While dressed like a standby letter turner on a 70s Mexican game show, JLo made hos everywhere press pause on their Tivos to see if she was flashing an inch of the nipple plate that Skeletor used to snort lines of crushed baby bones off of. JLo’s stylist says that it was just an optical nippleusion and there was no nip slip situation. Whatever, at least staring at JLo’s peek-a-nip distracted me from listening to her talk or looking at Cameron Diaz’s face. I mean, Cameron Diaz’s FACE and HAIR! That’s what eating Diddy’s ass on a full-time basis does to you. If Cameron meant to look like a Florida teenage boy whose hair and face got fried in a meth lab explosion, then a slow clap for her.

And back to JLo’s nip (I hope to never type those words again), since last night’s theme was obviously fame-hongray body parts, why didn’t Jean Dujardin’s peen tip poke out the piss slit in his pants while he was accepting his award. All we got was JLo’s maybe nip and Angie’s skeleton leg. Where was Jean Dujardin’s peen tip when we needed it most?!

Jack And Jill Went Up The Hill To Fetch A Pail of Razzies

The nominations for the biggest pieces of corroded turds that fell out of Hollywood’s ass last year were announced yesterday and Adam Sandler beat all the records by getting 11 nominations for the trio of cinematic vomits Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson and Just Go With It. If this doesn’t convince Adam Sandler that he needs to reavaluate his life choices and realize that nothing will beat his performance as Stud Boy in Remote Control, then I don’t know what will.

12 flying Razzie nominations landed on the pile of steaming shit that is Jack and Jill alone. It’s not like I’m surprised that Jack and Jill is pretty much the worst thing to happen to movie’s since Vincent Gallo’s cum load, but I am surprised that it made $134 million. $134 million. How did that many bitches see that shit? I bet the same people who paid to see Jack and Jill are the same people who suck up all the hot water in their apartment building, because they spend 5 hours a day crying at the bottom of the shower while punching at their faces. They hate themselves that much. Anyway, here’s a list of last year’s biggest vomit-inducers:

Worst Picture

BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR
Columbia Pictures / Happy Madison Productions

JACK & JILL
Columbia Pictures / Happy Madison Productions

NEW YEAR’S EVE
Warner Bros / New Line Cinema

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON
Paramount Pictures / Hasbro

TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I
Summit Entertainment

Worst Actor

Russell Brand
ARTHUR

Nicolas Cage
DRIVE ANGRY 3-D, SEASON OF THE WITCH and TRESPASS

Taylor Lautner
ABDUCTION and TWILIGHT S.B.D. PART I

Adam Sandler
JACK & JILL and JUST GO WITH IT

Nick Swardson
BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR

Worst Actress

Martin Lawrence (As “Momma”)
BIG MOMMAS: LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON

Sarah Palin (As “Herself”)
SARAH PALIN: THE UNDEFEATED

Sarah Jessica Parker
I DON’T KNOW HOW SHE DOES IT and NEW YEAR’S EVE

Adam Sandler (As “Jill”)
JACK & JILL

Kristen Stewart
TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I

Worst Supporting Actress:

Katie Holmes JACK & JILL

Brandon T. Jackson (As “Charmaine”) BIG MOMMAS: LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON

Nicole Kidman JUST GO WITH IT

David Spade (As “Monica”) JACK & JILL

The Underwear Model (aka Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

Worst Supporting Actor

Patrick Dempsey
TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

James Franco
YOUR HIGHNESS

Ken Jeong
BIG MOMMA’S #3, HANGOVER PART 2, TRANSFORMERS #3 and ZOOKEEPER

Al Pacino (As “Al Pacino”)
JACK & JILL

Nick Swardson
JACK & JILL and JUST GO WITH IT

Worst Screen Ensemble

The Entire Cast of BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR

The Entire Cast of JACK & JILL

The Entire Cast of NEW YEAR’S EVE

The Entire Cast of TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

The Entire Cast of TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I

Worst Director

Michael Bay
TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

Tom Brady
BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR

Bill Condon
TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I
Dennis Dugan

JACK & JILL and JUST GO WITH IT
Garry Marshall

NEW YEAR’S EVE

Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel
ARTHUR

BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR
(Rip-Off of BOOGIE NIGHTS and A STAR IS BORN)

THE HANGOVER PART 2

(Both a Sequel AND a Remake!)

JACK & JILL

(Remake/Rip-Off of Ed Woods’ GLEN OR GLENDA)

TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I

Worst Screen Couple
Nicolas Cage & Anyone Sharing the Screen with Him in Any of His Three 2011 Movies
Shia LeBeouf & The Underwear Model (aka Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) TRANNIES #3
Adam Sandler & EITHER Jennifer Aniston OR Brooklyn Decker / JUST GO WITH IT
Adam Sandler and EITHER Katie Holmes, Al Pacino OR Adam Sandler / JACK & JILL
Kristen Stewart & EITHER Taylor Lautner OR Robert Pattinson / TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN PART I

Worst Screenplay
BUCKY LARSON: BORN TO BE A STAR
Written by Adam Sandler, Allen Covert and Nick Swardson

JACK & JILL
Screenplay by Steve Koren & Adam Sandler, Story by Ben Zook

NEW YEAR’S EVE
Written by Katherine Fugate

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON

Written by Ehren Kruger
TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN PART I
Screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg

This needs more Tree of Life, which scared me away from movie theaters for a few weeks. It was fifty hours of emotional torture. It was like being stuck in a room while 100% sober with someone who is high on acid. You don’t know whether you want to choke them out or just bang your head against your knees until the noises stop. It made my hair hurt and I ate a giant ball of vom when I walked out of the theater and heard some pretentious slut say, “It was astonimizing.” Yes, astonimizing! See what that Tree of Laxatives movie does to people. It gives them a case of the GOOPY PALTROWS! Tree of Life for worst EVERYTHING.

Anne V Almost Showed Her V Last Night

Wasn’t is Coco Chanel who said that before you head out the door, you should take one thing off? Well, Coco’s legacy must be decorated with a string of pride this morning, because Adam Levine’s piece Anne V took Coco’s advice as she took off the left part of her dress before going to the Grammys last night. The Slut Dress’ family tree has a new first cousin hanging off of its branches.

When you’re looking for the perfect dress that will make dozens of people take your picture and run to the nearest computer to upload that picture to Wikipedia’s entry on sophistication, ask yourself these questions:

1. Should this dress be sold with a roll of double-sided pussy tape?

2. Do you you need to power wax your snatch before putting on this dress and then also power wax your snatch halfway through the event so you don’t hit the eyes around you with some 5 o’clock coochie shadow?

3. Could this dress be classified as a two-faced slut meaning that one half wants to go to a funeral and the other half wants to go to a beach-themed funeral?

4. Can you scratch your clitty without even lifting the skirt of this dress?

5. Do you have to take a period-stopping pill before wearing this dress so you don’t have an uncensored Xtina moment?

6. Can everyone see your crotch muscles in this dress?

If you let out six YES!!!es in a row, then throw your credit card at the salesperson, clutch that dress with your life and growl at any hos who come near you, because you’ve just found the holy grail of elegance and everybody will want it for themselves. RUN! RUN! RUN!

And a bunch of other tricks tried to top Anne V, but they didn’t even come close. Here’s a few as well as others from last night’s Grammys: Fuggie Fug (wearing a blanket of orange silly string over black Depends) with her mom, Diana Ross with her son Evan, Cyndi Lauper (looking like a Hot Topic Medusa) with her mom, Robyn, RiRi, Bruno Mars (looking like a Filipino Ricky Ricardo), Ice-T with the most beautiful woman in the world, Taylor Swift, Rebecca Black (who was called in as official seat filler since Chicken Cutlets was not available) and Katy Perry (paying homage to Marge Simpson’s mama je’e).

Just Call It The 2012 Adelies!

A picture of Adele with a handful of Grammys is worth a thousand fishnet-covered Lady CaCa madbitchfaces and for that reason alone my soul ejaculated out a million happy faces over her winning EVERY-FING (look at me, I’m typing in cockney) last night. Adele was rolling in the Grammys and Lady CaCa was rolling in the derp. YASSSSS!

Seriously, a truck with British plates probably pulled up to the back of the Staples Center last night to take all of Adele’s Grammys back to England. Adele won a Grammy for showing up. Adele won a Grammy for her Catherine Deneuve hair. Adele won a Grammy for her Louboutin nails. All of Adele’s Grammy speeches won a Grammy. Adele’s snot ball won a Grammy. Adele’s pre-posh Eliza Doolittle impersonation won a Grammy. Adele won a Grammy for having the same name as my abuelita. Adele won a Grammy for not being that hipster cunt Bon Iver. Adele won a Grammy for writing the perfect songs for scorned hos to loudly sing to as they shred the clothes of the bitch who screwed them over. Adele will win a Grammy next year for this:

That ten hour-long show was just a waste of time. They should’ve held it in the factory where the Grammy trophies are made and just showed us Adele picking up each award from the conveyer belt and throwing them into her wheelbarrow while singing Whitney Houston songs.

Let’s Start With A Prayer From Ladies Love Cool James

LL Cool J opened the Grammys last night by asking the audience to tip the ego globes on their necks while he said a prayer for Whitney Houston. This reminded my ass of when I was dragged to church as a kid and was forced to bow my head during prayer times. I’d split my “bowing head” time between counting the lines on my red corduroy pants (yes, I wore red in church like a true sinful hussy-in-training), wondering if my mom would let me order that chocolate smiley face pancake at iHOP for breakfast and using my up-eye to see who else was slipping into a boredom coma like me. I didn’t see any hos doing this during LL’s prayer, but I did see Mitch Winehouse and Tony Bennett keeping their heads up in a sea of bowing domes. Tony’s head was too high with weed smoke (pepaw loves the good shit) to pull it down and Mitch was wondering where the hell the Jewish blessing for Amy Winehouse was? Or maybe it’s because they’re Jewish. Or maybe it’s because they’re just like me, watching LL Cool J slurp on his lips while reciting a prayer is a much more spiritual experience than bowing my head.

And presented without shade, here’s JHud’s tribute to Whitney.

Okay, maybe just a drop of shade. This would’ve been so much better if Kevin Costner carried Dolly Parton on stage during the middle of JHud’s performance and she sang the rest of this song. Dolly would’ve show JHud how that shit is really done (and by “that shit” I mean singing and wearing a lacefront).