Anne Hathaway Did Not Get a Razzie Nomination

Everybody has nominated Anne Hathaway for Best Supporting Actress for Les Miserables from the BAFTAs (click here to see all the nominations, which were announced this morningtime) to the Barstow International Film Festival to the Sloths Choice Awards to the Starvers In Cinema Appreciation Awards. Everybody has nominated her ass. But yesterday, when the nominations for the most important accolade in modern cinema, the Razzies, were announced, Anne Hathaway’s name was nowhere to be seen. “Why wasn’t I nominated for a RAZZIE?! Why am I not BAD enough?!” echoed through the streets of Manhattan yesterday as Anne Hathaway did the slow wall slide of sadness before dropping to her knees and crying out a puddle of rejection. (Fun fact: Anne received Best Meltdown In A Snub for that meltdown and she will accept her award at a ceremony next week. Anne will wear a dress designed by Marchesa.)

Poor Anne Hathaway. Why couldn’t she have sucked in Les Miserables for at least 10 seconds? If at least 1/10000000th of her performance was shit, she would’ve qualified for a Razzie, but Anne just can’t help it. Anne must have all the nominations and she didn’t get a Razzie nomination. She has failed. Why does she have to give an OMGTHENEXTLAURENCEOLIVIERHASBEENFOUND performance all the time? Anne is looking for a return receipt, because it’s so hard being God’s gift to acting.

Anne has cleared her schedule for the rest of the year so that she can take classes at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Suck and learn from the masters, Professor January Jones and Professor Megan Fox, on how to be a shitty actress. Anne will get that Razzie nomination one day! You’ll see!

Here’s Anne putting on a brave face at last night’s National Board of Review Awards in NYC, where the Best Supporting Actress award went to Ann Dowd for her performance in the creepiest and most frustrating episode of Crank Yankers ever. “Brave Face” is also the name of the shade of foundation that Anne Hathaway wants to sell you, which would explain why she’s dressed like the assistant manager of a MAC counter at Nordstrom.

Here’s a few more pictures from last night. In order: the greatest thespian of our time and beyond, a come-to-life Simpsons character, Angela Bassett, Quvenzhané Wallis, Ann Dowd, Eddie Redmayne, Emily Blunt with John Krasinski, Jessica Chastain and Emmanuelle Riva.

Today’s Look Of Understated Elegance Brought To You By Heidi Klum

This is the kind of classic look we should all expect from a woman who is supposedly an authority on high fashion and who gets paid actual money to judge fashion deeeeeeeezines. If Ed Hardy started its own country, this is what Miss Ed Hardy would wear to the Miss Universe pageant. You can find a sophisticated gown like this at any low-range stripper store on Industrial Road in Las Vegas, but Heidi Klum got hers from the House of Versace. Donatella Versace really does have a special gift for making ladies look the “house girl” of an illegal Russian casino. If the front of your gown doesn’t tie up like a pair of sneakers, you’re doing elegance wrong.

Heidi Klum hosted the MTV EMAs in Frankfurt, Germany last night and put all the hos to shame when she stepped out on the red carpet wearing a gown that looked like what you’d get if one of Elvis’ jumpsuits had sex reassignment surgery. Perfection personified. Surprisingly, the EMAs didn’t happen just so Heidi could wear this dress, they also handed out some awards to these bitches. via The Daily Mail:

Best Song – Carly Rae Jepsen – Call Me Maybe
Best New Act – One Direction
Best Female Act – Taylor Swift
Best Male Act – Justin Bieber
Best Pop Act – Justin Bieber
Best Live Act – Taylor Swift
Best Hip Hop – Nicki Minaj
Best Rock Act – Linkin Park
Best Electronic Act – David Guetta
Best Alternative Act – Lana Del Rey
Best Video – Gangnam Style (Psy)
Best Look – Taylor Swift
Biggest Fans – One Direction
Best Worldwide Act – Han Geng
Best World Stage – Justin Bieber
Best Push – Carly Rae Jepsen
Global Icon – Whitney Houston

I’m sure that’s exactly what the Grammys’ winners list will look like next year.

And here’s some tricks and tramps who were lucky enough to get doused with the elegance Heidi Klum served up: Kim Kartrashian (looking like trash barfing up trash), Alicia Keys, Jedward with The Hoff, Rita Ora, Taylor Swift, Blahna Del Meh and Carly Rae Jepsen.

Taylor Swift’s Surprise Face Got The Night Off

Taylor Swift is about as country as me drunkenly singing Dolly Parton’s disco song at a karaoke bar in Koreatown, but she was still nominated for three Country Music Awards last night. The machine that operates Taylor’s facial expressions is so confused right now, because not once did it switch its knob to “OMGICANTBELIEVEAHNEVERWINANYTHING” face. Taylor lost every award. Taylor was up for Entertainer of the Year and she lost to Blake Shelton. Taylor was up for Female Vocalist of the Year and she lost to Miranda Lambert. Taylor was up for CMA Homecoming Queen and she lost to Kenny Chesney. Taylor lost EVERYTHING, but she’ll get the last laugh. Right after the show, Taylor held back the tears, ran out of the auditorium, ran to the Tennessee woods, sat under her favorite tree and as the birds (who are always up for Taylor) sang out a melody, she wrote her CMA break-up song. It won’t win a CMA next year, but it will win Favorite Pop Song at the People Choice Awards.

Taylor should’ve known that shit wasn’t going to go her way when Carrie Underwears threw a tiny bit of shade at her during the opening (at around the 1:27 mark):

Whatever, Carrie Underwears is just jealous of Taylor. Carrie wore a dress on the red carpet that looked like some kind of tree-eating disease, but Taylor’s dress looked like it was suffering from a more serious disease. Taylor ripped the scabs off of her permanently broken heart, slapped ’em on some gauze, sprinkled some glitter on top and called it a dress. Or maybe those are supposed to be open herp sores and it’s her way of throwing more hate on John Mayer.

And the REAL winner of the night was Mac McAnally. Dude isn’t a winner because he won Musician of the year. Dude’s a winner because his name is MAC MCANALLY!

The 2012 Emmy Winners Presented By Kat Dennings’ Chichis

Since today’s theme is turning into cleavage of all kinds, here’s Kat Dennings hiking her chichi balls up so high that the feet of the angels can practically touch them. The Emmys should’ve opened last night with Kat and Christina Hendricks trying to hug, because that would’ve been a real show. It would’ve looked like four baby sumo wrestlers head butting each other over and over again. No, the Emmys didn’t do that. They decided to hand out a bunch of awards to a bunch of boring ass shows instead.

You know what would’ve been easier? If they just showed a live shot of a dump truck backing up into Honey Boo Boo Chile’s front lawn and dumping hundreds upon hundreds of trophies in front of her house. The Emmys can retire forever, because no other show will come close to reaching the levels of artistic excellence that Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has reached. Just give Mama June all the Emmys and everyone can go home.

But the dumb bitches at the Emmys didn’t do that either. They spent 3 hours passing out trophies and you can click here for a full list, but I threw some of the winners after the cut. If you say the line “Should’ve been Mama June’s Forklift Foot” after reading each winner’s name, you’d be telling nothing but the truth! GO!

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series
Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family
(Side note: This definitely should’ve been one of Mama June’s chins or Glitzy.)

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series
Julie Bowen, Modern Family

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series
Jon Cryer, Two And A Half Men

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

Outstanding Reality-Competition Program
The Amazing Race

Outstanding Host For A Reality Or Reality-Competition Program
Tom Bergeron, Dancing With The Stars

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series
Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama Series
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series
Damian Lewis, Homeland

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series
Claire Danes, Homeland

Outstanding Writing For A Variety Special
Louis C.K., Live At The Beacon Theatre

Outstanding Variety Series
The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or A Movie
Jessica Lange, American Horror Story

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Miniseries Or A Movie
Tom Berenger, Hatfields & McCoys

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Miniseries Or A Movie
Julianne Moore, Game Change

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Miniseries Or A Movie
Kevin Costner, Hatfields & McCoys

Outstanding Miniseries or Movie
Game Change

Outstanding Drama Series
Homeland

Outstanding Comedy Series
Modern Family

And here’s just a few pictures from last night (and yes, as soon as I stop spending all my money on lube and weed, I’m going to pay someone to redo the broke ass gallery): Kat Dennings with Nick Zano, Jessica Lange, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Aaron Paul, Damian Lewis, Claire Danes, Julianne Moore, Louis C.K., Keith Urban with Nicole Kidman, Hayden Pantywhatevers, Zooey Deschanel, Ginnifer Goodwin, Ashley Judd, Julianne Marguiles, Lucy Liu, Emily from Revenge, Glenn Close, Dr. Blossom, Kelly Osbourne, Peter Dinklage, Heidi Klum, Morena Baccarin, Edie Falco, Ellen & Portia, Lena Dunham and Tina Fey with her husband Jeff Richmond.

And No Emmys For You, Mad Men

Christina Hendricks’ husband can’t believe his life either. His face has rarely moved out of that expression ever since Christina asked him, “Do you want to just slip the ring on my left nipple since you haven’t looked at my face once!” during their wedding ceremony.

Mad Men went into the Emmys last night with 17 nominations and they walked away with nothing but a handful of drink tickets to use to drown their sorrows in the sweet nectar after losing EVERYTHING. Jon Hamm was nominated for Outstanding Actor in a Drama and he didn’t get shit. Christina Hendricks was nominated for Outstanding Supporting Actress and she also didn’t even get a tiny dingle out of the Emmy statue’s ass. The only thing Mad Men won was the title of losingest TV show of all time. Northern Exposure and The Larry Sanders show both held the record for the most Emmy losses in one year (16 each) and so Mad Men beat both of their asses.

After THAT episode, I really thought I’d see Christina Hendricks on stage, balancing a trophy on her magnificent chichis while giving an acceptance speech, but that didn’t happen. The Emmy bitches also didn’t do the right thing by giving a very special humanitarian award to Jon Hamm’s hamm loaf for enriching lives (and fuck parts) and making the world a better place. I swear, I was going to throw hate at January Jones for showing up looking like a goth alien going to a funeral, but her entire look was fitting.

And here’s a few more pictures of the Mad Men cast who all took turns crying on the shoulders of Jon Hamm’s peen (yes, it’s so big it has shoulders): Christina Hendricks with her husband, The Hamm with Jennifer Westfeldt, Elisabeth Moss, JJ, Sally Draper and that one who sings that French song.

Sofia Vergara’s Nalgas Can’t Be Tamed

If it’s morning time for you and the liquid caffeine you inject directly into your forehead vein hasn’t hit your brain yet, the picture Sofia Vergara posted on Whosay last night might look all sorts of things like two uncooked corn dogs waiting to go into the fryer or an eclipse as seen through a slit in a Las Vegas showgirl’s costume. But it’s a picture of Sofia Vergara’s ass crack refusing to be ignored.

Twenty minutes before Modern Family won their 1,579,773th trophy at last night’s Modern Family Appreciation Ceremony, Sofia Vergara’s butt cakes busted her zipper right open. You might think that Sofia’s nalgas are a couple of fame whores and just wanted to get their pictures taken, because her chichis were getting all the attention, but I think it was doing what we all did. It blew out a gust of hot air, because Modern Family kept winning EVERYTHING.

They were winning so much that I’m sure when they got backstage, Publishers Clearing House gave them a check for $1 million, the California Lottery people congratulated them for having the winning ticket even though they didn’t buy any tickets and then ASkars gave each of them a vial of his own Swedish baby batter before saying, “Please have my child.”

Modern Family won Outstanding Comedy Series for the third year in a row, Julie Bowen won Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series for the second year in a row and Eric Stonestreet won Outstanding Support Actor in a Comedy Series. But the winningest ho in that cast is Jesse Tyler Ferguson who gets to go home and comb and condition his piece’s luscious grizzly brows every night.