The Queen Biopic Is Finally Going To Happen, For Real This Time

July 18, 2017 / Posted by:

The Queen Biopic Bohemian Rhapsody we’ve been hearing about since 2010 is finally happening. The band Queen announced that the film will finally go into production and will star Mr. Robot’s Rami Malek as Freddie Mercury. Probable sleazeball Bryan Singer (various X-Mensises, The Usual Suspects) will direct.

As previously reported, the film was originally to star balls-to-the-walls actor Sacha Baron Cohen, and be directed by either David Fincher (Fight Club) or Tom Hooper (Les Misérables), but the queens of Queen were all like, “Um no dirty talk, won’t somebody please think of the children, this is about US as a band, not just about Freddie since, golly, we’re just as important as he was.” (Or some such shit.)

Rolling Stone reported that Sasha told Howard Stern:

“…a member of the band, I won’t say who, he said, ‘This is such a great movie because it’s got such an amazing thing that happens in the middle of the movie,’ “I go, ‘What happens in the middle of the movie?’ He goes, ‘Freddie dies.'”

Sasha also said that the second half of that film would have been more about the career of Queen was affected after Freddie’s death. Aaaaaaand this movie went from Killer Queen to Boner Killer Just. Like. That.

So here we are, today.

And in their statement, the members of Queen teased the following:

You are probably wondering, who will play Roger, Brian and John??? That, friends, is news for another day, and just one good reason for you to make QOL and Queen Facebook your regular stops to check in for the very latest updates, and who, knows, maybe even one or two exclusives.

I get that there are some ride or die Queen fans out there but yeah, no. I know that Queen is more than just Freddie, but the thing is, Freddie was everything. On the 6th day, God made Freddie and had to stop and have a congratulatory wank and cigarette before deciding which epoch would have the privilege of sharing the earth with his most perfect creation.

I’m sure Rami will do a great job. He’s got a cute ass and a certain dreamy introspective quality that might work well in the role. But please, for the sake of all that is good in this world, do not let him sing! If they are not using Freddie’s vocals, there is no point whatsoever. I hear Adam Lambert is amazing when he fronts Queen, but nobody can touch the original. Hopefully, since Queen is all-in, that means the music rights are also all-in.

And so…

Rami Malek…


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