The Quarterback Princess (as played by Helen Hunt)!

In honor of America’s biggest sporting event of the year, THE PUPPY BOWL, (Oh, yeah, and I guess that Beyonce show, featuring some band and some football teams is happening too) let’s pay tribute to an important football and sports icon. Every Super Bowl Sunday, I automatically think of the 1983 football masterpiece Quarterback Princess!

Quarterback Princess was mostly a true story based on the life of Tami Maida, a feminist legend who became a junior varsity quarterback at her high school in Philomath,Oregon. The football coach at Tami’s high school tried to keep her down and wouldn’t let her join the team, because she’s a chick, but she showed his ass and was named quarterback. Tami did double duty during her school’s homecoming game, because not only did she play in it, but she was also crowned homecoming queen at the dance. Tami Maida did it all.

Hollywood made a movie about her starring Helen Hunt, Jo from Melrose Place and Tim Ribbons. The entire thing is on YouTube and I watched a huge chunk of it this morning. The only thing I have to say about it is that it’s a good thing for Peyton Manning that the Quarterback Princess is retired from the game, because if she wasn’t, she’d probably be the current QB of the Broncos. I’m sure she still has it!

Chris Rock (51)
Jake Goldberg (20)
Kerli (29)
Stephen Colletti (30)
James Deen (30)
Tina Majorino (31)
Deborah Ann Woll (31)
Ashton Kutcher (38)
Kelly Choi (40)
Essence Atkins (44)
Marlo Hampton (44)
Robyn Lively (44)
Jason Gedrick (51)
Garth Brooks (54)
David Bryan (54)
Eddie Izzard (54)
James Spader (56)
Emo Philips (60)
Dieter Bohlen (61)
Miguel Ferrer (61)

Salma Hayek had to go to the hospital the other day after she busted her head while shooting scenes for her new movie Drunk Parents. (Side note: Drunk Parents is from the makers of Grown-Ups 2. Bitch knows she’s a billionaire’s wife, right?! She does not need a check that bad.) Salma was checked out and everything turned out to be okay. While she was at the hospital, Salma saved the lives of some patients dying of dehydration by giving them leche from her world-saving magnificent chichis and she also took this picture with the doctors who treated her. Salma threw the pic up on Instagram and explained why she was wearing a t-shirt with the white lady version of Janet Jackson’s Rolling Stone cover on it.

I had to be rushed from set to the ER for a minor head injury. Unfortunately my wardrobe for the scene was completely inappropriate for the hospital. Thank you to doctors Foster and Ellspermann for taking such good care of me! And don’t worry it didn’t make me any crazier than I was! #hospital #emergency #doctors #nude #wardrobe

Before I read Salma’s explanation for why she’s wearing that elegant t-shirt, I figured that she finally fired her stylist, got some taste and has started wearing truly sophisticated outfits. I’m sad it’s only a costume. But really, if soggy tampon Piers Morgan wasn’t busy jacking his rage boner to all the titty pictures Susan Sarandon’s supporters are sending him, he’d let Salma Hayek know how inappropriate it is for her to show cleavage at a hospital!

Why do I have a feeling that Miley Cyrus can’t keep a housekeeper? Every time she licks the floor, they quit on the spot, because they don’t work with boric acid and know that’s the only kind of shit that can get Miley’s tongue smegma out of natural stone.

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth have been back together for about 15 minutes and they’re really making up for lost time. They got re-engaged and she also bought the place next to his. Curbed says that the hillbilly gender fluid chipmunk already owns a $3.9 million house in Studio City and a $5 million ranch in Hidden Hills. She recently paid $2.5 million for a 4 bedroom, 1,384 square foot house that is right next to Liam Hemsworth’s place in Malibu.

TMZ says that Miley’s house is going to be her main house and she bought it because Liam’s place doesn’t have room for all her crap and her 5 dogs. Liam always has friends staying with him so Miley bought the 60s elementary school-looking ass house next door. Miley and Liam may put their places together and make one giant estate in the future.

Who knew that the hillbilly chipmunk took relationship tips from Taylor Swift? The good news for Liam is that since Miley has her own place, he doesn’t have to worry about walking into his kitchen and finding Billy Ray Cyrus eating his Corn Pops because Billy Ray’s place was fresh out of them and Miley was late with paying her family’s allowance again. But the bad news is that if the impossible happens and Liam and Miley’s unbreakable love eats shit, they’ll still be next door neighbors and that won’t end well. It’ll end with Liam having to take his new girlfriend to the ER after a rabid Miley infected her with rabies while attacking her on the driveway in a jealous rage.

Pics: Curbed, Instagram

The Beyhive planned to use this Saturday as a day of rest to prepare their bodies for tomorrow when they’re going to hump the TV while chanting their favorite psalm (aka their favorite Beyonce song) when she performs on the Super Bowl Halftime Show, but their god fucked that all up by putting out her new song and video. Beyonce first released her new song “Formation” on Tidal, but even she knows that mess is dried up, so it was released on YouTube six seconds later. Beyonce will perform her new song during the halftime show tomorrow while the supposed headliners Coldplay sit backstage eating lukewarm pizza before assistants tell them to wait in the bus because they’re in the way.

Beyonce has pretty much hijacked the Super Bowl from Coldplay, so I’m sure she’ll make Kanye West’s album Waves sink when she releases her new album for free on the same day as his. And she’s probably going to announce she’s knocked up with triplets at the beginning of the Grammys next Monday, so everyone nominated can go ahead and cancel their dress fittings and stay home since that show is going to be a Beyonce worship fest too.

Anyway, here’s the video which is a Vogue spread meets a Black Lives Matter protest meets Big Freedia meets Beyonce sinking a cop car meets Blue Ivy’s first communion:

On one hand, I can’t really get into this all the way, because Basement Baby is supposed to be the Queen of New Orleans! Beyonce just had to snatch that crown away from her! But on the other hand, I love the lyric “When he fuck me good, I take his ass to Red Lobster.” I mean, really good dick is worthy of a bottomless basket of Cheddar Bay Biscuits.

The NAACP Image Awards happened in Pasadena, CA last night, and once again, grand master poser Taraji P. Henson melted the eyelashes off of hos left and right with her extra hot posing game. At the Golden Globes last month, Taraji took us on a journey with her poses. She was Scarlett O’Hara with the vapors. She was a shocked Norma Desmond. She was me whenever one of my friends get me a new butt plug for my birthday. She was everything and more.  Taraji played it a little more subtle at the NAACPs last night, but she still posed like she was head of her class at Phoebe Price’s Community College of Exuding Raw Glamour.

Empire won a few NAACP Awards last night including one for Taraji for Outstanding Actress in a Drama Series. Taraji should’ve won another award for Outstanding Posing While Holding A Trophy Backstage At The NAACP Awards. Taraji served up intrigue and orgasm faces while posing with that award. She also gets extra points for making sure that we all got a good view of that trophy’s crotch. And I even love that she looked like a cross between Morticia Addams going to a daytime business meeting and a casual Magica de Spell.

Here’s a million more pictures from last night of everyone looking like they’re wearing dresses they bought at Windsor Fashions in the 90s. Well, everyone except for Cree Summer who looked like Pilgrim Pippi Longstocking on the right kind of acid.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com