Last October, Oprah reached into her cleavage and pulled out a measly $43.2 million to buy a 10% stake (around 6.4 million shares) in Weight Watchers. As part of the deal, she became the new face of Weight Watchers. As Oprah’s already obese bank accounts get fatter, she says that she’s getting skinnier thanks to WW.

If I was a multi-billionaire like The Mighty O, I’d just stay fat and spend my days watching the full cast of Showgirls perform the movie live and in front of me as my trophy husbands, Alexander Skarsgard and Idris Elba, fed me freshly made Double-Doubles from the In-N-Out in my basement. But Oprah claims she’s doing the WW program and yesterday she said in a tweet that she’s lost 26 pounds so far and she’s done it while eating bread every day. OPRAH. LOVES. BREAD.

Eat bread. Lose weight. Whaaatttt? #ComeJoinMe https://t.co/jUgpk9ToXY https://t.co/xtnB53EwSf

— Oprah Winfrey (@Oprah) January 26, 2016

I wasn’t really impressed by that tweet because I’m sure she instantly loses 26 pounds when she takes off her casual daytime diamonds before bedtime. But Oprah’s words are still so powerful that she can tweet about eating bread and make $12.5 million after doing so. Market Watch says that after that bread-loving tweet went up at 12:09pm EST, Weight Watchers’ stock jumped up to 20 percent over the course of one hour. The stock was at $11.35 a share before her tweet and it ended at $13.29 a share. The Mighty O made $12.5 million in one hour. Of course the stock is going to drop, so expect Oprah to bring it back up in a couple of days by tweeting about how she lost 27 pounds while eating cake. Two days after that, she’ll bring up the stock more by tweeting about how she lost 28 pounds while eating pizza. And after she runs out of food to tweet about, she’ll just post that bees GIF and I’m sure that’ll make the stock jump up 40%.

When Oprah tweets about her love of bread, she makes $12 million. When I tweet about my love of bread, my mom e-mails me a copy of the flat belly diet. Life, it isn’t fair.

When God’s god Kanye West announced that he has changed the title of his new album from Swish to Waves, many didn’t like it because “swish” is the sound that a toilet makes when it flushes and that seemed more fitting. Wiz Khalifa also wasn’t happy about Kanye naming his album Waves, because according to the tattooed scarecrow, the words “wave” and “wavy” belong to rapper Max B. I guess you could say that Waves caused waves. I know, I know….

Kanye tweeted “all respect” to Max B when he announced his new album title, but Wiz still wasn’t into it. Wiz told Kanye that he needs to go back to Swish and “hit this KK and become yourself.” Wiz wasn’t talking about Kim Kartrashian when he typed KK, he was talking about his own strain of weed called Khalifa Kush. That tweet still set Kanye off and he went after a trick.

Kanye handed his black unicorn pelt Givenchy fanny pack to North West, pulled off his $2000 army bomber jacket (you know, the one you can get for $35 at the army surplus store) and asked Riccardo Tisci to hand him a bottle of lube before he greased up his face and stepped into the ring. Kanye’s MacBook Air (or whatever he’s using now) is probably lying on a table in the morgue section of the Genius Bar, because he pounded the shit out of it while throwing poetic tweets at Wiz. Many of Kanye’s tweets (which he deleted) are after the cut. Warning: You will overdose on Vitamin D (for delusion) while reading them:

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So many tricks on the red carpet stand there like a hungry and half-comatose zombie and earn themselves an F- in pose game. But Catherine Zeta-Jones always gets it and at the London premiere of some movie called Daddy’s Army (which sounds like the name of Kevin Spacey’s favorite military-themed gay porn) she delivered chichis and leg in front of photographers. Bitch worked it like an overachieving 2nd year Barbizon student trying to get an A in posing on her finals. (Side note: We actually didn’t have finals at Barbizon, but if we did, I would’ve been held back.) You can almost hear CZJ say, “Eat it, St. Angie,” as she sticks out her fame whoring leg and makes the most out of that knock-off Jessica McClintock bridesmaid dress. The wind even tried to trip her up by almost exposing her cancer-dispensing coochie to the world, but she was not having it this time. Show them, CZJ!

Pics: Wenn.com

RiRi’s first album in 3 years ANTI has been the Great Pumpkin to her fans’ Linus van Pelt. RiRi’s fans have been sitting in the patch with their thumbs in their mouth holes waiting forever for her new album to show up. It’s been a year since she put out that campfire sing-a-long shit FourFiveSeconds (featuring WILSON FUCKING PHILLIPS and some others) and everyone thought that was supposed to be the official single of her album. But when the song went nowhere, she was like, “Errr, PSYCH, that’s not the single,” and it took us fourfive seconds to forget about it. RiRi followed that up with Bitch Better Have My Money (complete with a video featuring a tied up Hannibal) and American Oxygen. RiRi kept releasing songs but the full album was nowhere to be seen.

Just when everyone was beginning to think that ANTI is the Chateau Sheree of albums and is never going to be finished, Billboard reported last night that it will come out this week. And early this morning, RiRi hoped that fourth time’s a charm when she released her album’s “first official single” Work. Work swept up on the shore through Tidal where it was exclusive for about 2 seconds before it ended up everywhere and was eventually released on iTunes.

On Work, RiRi speaks in Patois and Wheelchair Jimmy wheels in to sing on it. I’ve only listened to the song twice, but it’s so repetitive that “work work work work work” is already stuck inside of my brain and that’s a confusing message for my naturally lazy self since all I want to do is nap nap nap nap nap.

And that radio announcer should be jailed for using the words “pop emergency.” The only time those words should be used is when Stacey Q, Hoku, Cece Penniston, Martika and Samantha Fox form a pop supergroup.

Pics: Splash

I remember when I discovered the vibrate function on my cell phone, too – Penny Grigio

Upvote winner:

…my phone screen has a crack on it. – 38chrysler

Pic: Tosh.0

Malibu Musk!

If you were a kid of the late 80s who wasn’t refined or sophisticated enough for Designer Imposter fragrances and you were too carefree and natural for Exclamation and way too much of a grown adult for Electric Youth, you went to the drugstore and bought Malibu Musk body spray! Malibu Musk came out in 1989 and it was made by the same makers as Designer Imposters so everyone knew it had to be the highest of quality.

Today, Malibu smells like exhaust from all the damn traffic on PCH, burnt Botox and fear from the people who know that Caitlyn Jenner’s drivers license is still valid and she’s still on the loose. But in 1989 and the early 90s, Malibu smelled like sunshine and freshness! Actually I remember it smelling like hairspray and rotten fruit dipped in sugar.

And the song in the commercial….

If you want to make it funky and smell like something crazy in the air, you can buy a brand new bottle of Malibu Musk on eBay for $35.00. Some people on perfume forums claim they’ve seen Malibu Musk at Walgreens. I’ve never seen it. If I do ever see it at Rite-Aid or whatever, my hair will spiral perm itself, my shirt will turn into an oversized B.U.M. t-shirt and my shoes will transform into British Knights. So I hope I see Malibu Musk at a drugstore one day.