Keri Russell (40)
Princess Eugenie of York (26)
Ayesha Curry (27)
Steven Strait (30)
Nicholle Tom (38)
Michelle Monaghan (40)
Randall Park (42)
Gail Porter (45)
Poe (48)
John Bobbitt (49)
Richard Grieco (51)
Hope Davis (52)
Catherine Keener (57)
Amanda Plummer (59)
Kenneth Cole (62)
Chaka Khan (63)
Ric Ocasek (67)
Michael Haneke (74)

Pic: Interview Magazine

Her unicornie rainbow Hello Kitty Lisa Frank pink swan highness Mimi called overhead lighting “abusive” and she wants nothing to do with it. Overheard lighting is the waterboarding of illumination, darling! And after she said that, her internal organs managed to squeeze out the words, “You want to talk about abusive, hunty,” as they suffocated under ten layers of Spanx – Lainey Gossip 

54-year-old Eddie Izzard completed 27 marathons in just as many days. I would be impressed but I’m too busy eating my 27th peanut M&M in just as many seconds – Celebitchy

My thoughts and prayers are with the copies of Photoshop who are suffering from exhaustion after touching up Pamela Anderson’s pictures for Misguided Magazine – Drunken Stepfather

Important question: Would you fap to a Sumner Redstone sex tape? – WWTDD

NeNe Leakes thinks Tootie is too boring for the Real Housewrecks of Atlanta – Reality Tea 

Gal Gadot looks like she’s a cast member of Liberace on Ice! – Hollywood Tuna 

Or maybe Lindsay Lohan’s new regular just wants everyone to think he doesn’t have rubles falling out of his dick slit because he’s sick of White Oprah, Michael Lohan and all of her other family members begging him for money to pay their “medical bills” – The Superficial 

This dick slip reminds me that I really need to start watching soccer – (NSFW) OMG Blog

Having just suffered through the remake of Annie over the weekend, I have to say that this list is incomplete without Cameron “Auto-Tuned Cat Getting Strangled With An Electrical Cord” Diaz on it – Pajiba

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen are even more annoying than you originally thought- Jezebel

MiserAlba is at the beach – Popoholic

Selena Gomez got drunk, danced on a table and barfed all over her friend’s purse. So, she was basically you on any night of the weekend – IDLYITW

Jake Gyllenhaal and Jimmy Fallon gave each other slosh facials and yes, someone is definitely, definitely going to fap to it  – Towleroad

Hilary Swank is engaged to a man who she will forget to thank if she wins an Oscar again – HuffPo

Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom touched mouths while on vacation, and judging by what’s blooming up in his shorts, he’s into it – Popsugar

Adorable IS this bulldog not knowing what the hell is going on as a frog jumps all over his mug – The Berry 

And just like that, Chloe Grace Moretz earned herself a place in Taylor Swift’s burn book as an asshole trash face traitor – Just Jared

Pic: Splash

Last week, the company responsible for the Kardashians’ favorite waist trainers was hit with a lawsuit by a group of women claiming the waist trainers worked about as well as the muscles in Kim Kardashian’s face (which is to say, not very much). Well, the Kardashians are once again in trouble for their brand-whoring ways, but this time, it’s because they didn’t sell out hard enough. Damn, the Kardashians kan’t katch a product-pimping break!

The NY Daily News says that a company called Hillair Capital Management has filed a $180 million lawsuit against the trifecta of tacky, Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe Kardashian, for fraud and breach of contract. Hillair Capitol is pissed off because they put $10.8 million into Kardashian Beauty (formerly Khroma Beauty), back in 2014 and haven’t seen a return on investment. Kardashian Beauty was in need of some financial help two years ago after their original distribution company went tits up. So Hillair promised to fund distribution on the condition that Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe keep promoting it. You know, like pretending they actually use it.

But according to Hillair’s lawsuit, the Kardashians weren’t happy with the amount of coins that were dropped in their beggin’ cups, and they started looking for other investors. Hillair claims Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe then forced Hillair into a buyout by withholding support of Kardashian Beauty. The lawsuit also accuses Khloe of talking shit about the brand at a 2015 beauty expo in Dubai, and slapped at Kim for putting her name on a lipstick for the far klassier makeup brand Charlotte Tilbury.

Hillair wants their $10.8 million investment back, as well as its interest in the company, which they value at being between $64 million and $180 million. A lawyer for Kamp Kardashian has called the lawsuit “a disgrace” and accuses them of spreading “lies.” They also blame Hillair’s mismanagement on why Kardashian Beauty is in the krapper.

Hillair doesn’t realize actually just how large of a bullet they dodged when those greedy opportunists stopped pimping out their khosmetics khompany. I mean, at least waist trainer selfies are somewhat easy to Photoshop. But you know they’d never be able to show such restraint when retouching their faces. So yes, they lost a bunch of money. But it’s nothing compared to the money they’d lose after millions of pissed-off customers hit them with a class-action lawsuit after discovering that Kardashian Beauty products don’t actually transform their faces into airbrushed cartoons.

Pic: Splash

If I was Chelsea Handler’s friend and it was my born day, the absolute last thing I’d want as a gift would be a naked selfie of her. First of all, everyone has seen it and everyone can sketch her nakedness from memory. Second of all, talk about a cheap ass gift. This didn’t cost a damn thing. It’s a “gift” that everyone has had and has gotten for free. It’s like giving someone a fart in a jar. A really needy fart that always wants to show you its tits. But because Chelsea Handler is always trying to score as many thirst points as possible, she used her friend Reese Witherspoon’s birthday as an excuse to post this selfie of her wearing nothing but black socks and a cooch-covering hand pad on Instagram. Some (almost) poon for Laura Jeanne Poon! Chelsea added this caption to the pic:

Happy Birthday @reesewitherspoon

But really, Chelsea probably posted this for real to show chipotle-infused douche Bobby Flay what he’s missing out on. And he’s missing out on a lot, because you know Chelsea squirts 100 proof vodka.

Pic: Instagram

The bad news is that if mutated Boglin Donald Trump wins the GOP presidential nomination, he won’t choose Sarah Palin as his VP. The good news is that Trump won’t pick Sarah, because she’ll probably be too busy trying to be a TV star again.

People says that the current baddest freestyle rapper in the game has signed a deal with production company Warm Springs to do a syndicated court show like Judge Judy. Sarah Palin may become Judge Mama Grizzly! The show doesn’t have a name yet (SPOILER ALERT: They’re going to call it “I Can See Your Guilt From My House“) and no stations have picked it up yet (SPOILER ALERT: Wasilla Public Access is going to buy the exclusive rights to it), but the plan is to shoot a pilot where Judge Mama Grizzly spits out nonsense from her salad spinner of a mouth while presiding over cases. No, Sarah Palin doesn’t have a law degree, but I’m sure she has an online certificate in Keeping It Real from the Community College of Hard Knocks and that’s all that matters.

Warm Springs has already put together a team that includes an executive from Judge Judy and Judge Joe Brown. The source also dribbled about this stream of messiness:

“It’s a production deal. What happens next is she’ll meet with stations, make a pilot and sell it. Palin’s telegenic personality, wide appeal and common sense wisdom make her a natural for this kind of format and she was Warm Springs’ top pick for this project.”

Are they hiring writers yet? Because to write Sarah Palin’s lines for her, all you have to do is take a lot of pain killers, get drunk, pull all the pages out of a “word of the day” desk calendar and then randomly arrange them in sentences. That’s pretty much the technique I use to write my Dlisted posts. And Sarah Palin doing a court show is like Dr. Jenny McCarthy and Dr. Kristin Cavawhatever doing a medical advice show. I can’t wait!

Pic: Splash

Last week, while hustling the future Barnes & Noble clearance table hit Balancing in Heels, we learned that MTV employee-turned-chemical truther Kristin Cavallari chose to skip the typical baby formula and feed her babies a homemade formula made from goat’s milk. The reason she chose to do that was because her kids couldn’t handle cow milk, and soy milk is – according to Kristin – “usually genetically modified.” People.com was so excited about Kristin’s discovery, that they decided to post the recipe for her homemade goat milk baby slurry on their website. Unfortunately, promoting dubious diet advice from a reality TV star anti-vaxxer came back to bite them in the ass. Whoever would have guessed that would happen?

According to a blog called Friendly Atheist on Patheos (via Today), People deleted Kristin’s recipe from their site because several doctors came forward and slapped at them for publishing it. Professional medical sources, like the American Academy of Pediatrics and the US Department of Agriculture, don’t recommend that children under 12 months drink goat milk (or cow milk or soy milk) because it doesn’t provide enough nutrients.

Dr. Ruth Lawrence, a professor of pediatrics, obstetrics and gynecology at the University of Rochester Medical Center, told the Today show that she seconds what the AAP said. She adds that giving your kid a homemade formula like Kristin’s goat’s milk could result in nutritional deficiencies and “all sorts of problems“, like anemia, kidney problems, and something called metabolic acidosis. When asked for comment, Kristin replied: “Metabolic acidosis? Never heard of that one. Is that a type of GMO?”

I’m sure there’s many people screaming “DUH!” at the news that Kristin Cavallari doesn’t know what she’s talking about. But it’s still probably a good thing that a couple of people who went to medical school for this sort of thing called her out. And don’t say there’s no one dumb enough to believe what Kristin Cavallari says. I once believed a friend who told me I could get a full day’s worth of vitamins and nutrients from a McDonald’s 6-piece nugget combo. So yeah, they’re out there.

Here’s more of Kristin signing copies of Balancing in Heels at a Barnes & Noble yesterday with what I’m sure is a totally organic non-toxic chemical-free vegetable ink-based marker.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com