In case you couldn’t tell from everyone’s mom, auntie, sister, brother, uncle, dad, grandpa, grandma, cousin, gynecologist, favorite barista, weed man, and everybody else not named Henry Winkler forming a prayer circle around a St. Hanks candle, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson have both tested positive for coronavirus. This is the worst Tom Hanks-related news since we all found out he was half responsible for inflicting Chet Haze upon the world.
And now for something completely different…
I was today years old when I found out that Oscar-winning beauty Halle Berry is related to Sarah Palin. Now, that’s on me because apparently Halle went public with this gross factoid back in 2012––how that story didn’t make a louder toilet splash is beyond me. If you hadn’t heard about this, I’m sorry to be breaking it to you this way. But there is a little poetic justice that goes along with this, albeit 8 years later.
Sarah Palin is pouring herself an extra-strong moose-mosa today, because she’s about to be a grandma for the sixth and seventh time. She’s probably already on Amazon searching for little tiny blinged-out Ski-Doo jackets for her future lil’ slednecks. She better keep a tab open so that when those babies are born, they can pick themselves up a couple of onesies that read: In Case I Get Lost During A Messy Family Party, Please Return Me To ____.
It’s not like Dick Cheney was known for being barrel of laughs, but in the eyes of Sacha Baron Cohen, Dick is apparently the Don Rickles of the Executive Branch. When Sarah Palin came out saying she had been duped into giving an interview to some SBC character for a fake documentary, most of us gleefully squealed over what Wasilla’s Wonder Woman was going to do to make her look even more dumb. Who Is America? premiered, and each episode went by with no Sarah. Her interview was never used, and she was only mentioned in a credit of the last episode as “Special Publicity Consultant (Inadvertent).” Sacha says that’s because she’s not funny.
It’s awards season in Tinseltown, which means Fox News writers are giddily pre-writing all their stories on how left wing California actors are taking a giant poop on their moral ways. Enter: Sacha Baron Cohen. The prankster really got under Trump supporter skin this year for Who Is America? The mockumentary somehow managed to bamboozle Dick Cheney into signing a waterboarding kit, got Roy Moore to stand in front of a pedophile meter, and got free press from Sarah Palin (no, that’s not her next to him in the pic above) without her making the cut. Naturally, the Hollywood Foreign Press awarded that with a Golden Globe nomination, and Sacha wants to thank Sarah by taking her as his date.
Track Palin, which is somehow the name of an actual Sarah Palin offspring and not just some Brooklyn DJ trying to be ironic (and also pictured above with sister Willow Palin), hasn’t exactly been the Tea Party’s most upstanding citizen. Track assaulted his then-girlfriend in 2016, and he also later beat up his dad. His mom has blamed it all on PTSD from serving in Iraq, and she’ll probably still defend his ass since it still isn’t as bad as voting for Hillary Clinton (in her mind anyway). Track got arrested again a few days ago for hitting a woman in the head at her own home. The cops came, and he tried to resist arrest…but they finally got his ass in the slammer. Well, the law is coming down on Track by placing him under custody for a year.