Pet all the pussies and knit until your fingers fall, because it’s Friday night AND Margaret Miles won April’s Hot Slut of the Month’s battle royale. Margaret was America’s sweetheart for about 2 nights last month when she declared on Jeopardy that she’s a stereotypical librarian whose idea of a hot time is petting her cats and knitting. And now, Margaret is Dlisted’s sweetheart after she killed the competition without messing up her impeccable overgrown Lloyd Christmas haircut.

Margaret got just under 42% of the votes and her closest competition was Planters Cheez Balls with a little over 24%. Diamond and Pearl got about 17% of the votes and the midriff lothario of the NFL, Ezekiel Elliott, came in last place with 16.7%. Margaret will now go on to next year’s Hot Slut of 2016 finals with Ludivine The Dog, Flossie Dickey and Birdie Sanders.

And let’s relive the moment when Margaret Miles became everyone’s party time hero:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tTjlySC6KtQ

Thanks to everyone who voted!

Pic: ABC

What better way is there to end another week of surviving life than by resting your eyeballs on this picture of a drenched Alexander Skarsgard looking all vulnerable-like while throwing you fuck me eyes? Okay, a better way to end another week of surviving life would be to walk into your apartment to find a naked and lubed-up ASkars lounging on your sofa with an Entenmann’s Devil’s Food Cake in one hand and a winning Powerball ticket in the other, but this is second! Okay, actually second is walking out of your job and finding a naked and lubed-up ASkars sitting in a car that will take you both to the Cheesecake Factory where you won’t have to wait for 6 hours because he knows people. But this is third!

39-year-old ASkars and 25-year-old (in Catherine Zeta-Jones years, allegedly) Margot Robbie did a spread in Vogue to promote that loincloth-less Tarzan movie. I have two things to say about this spread:

1. On the cover, it looks like they used a Snapchat filter to put Emma Stone’s face on top of Margot Robbie’s face.

2. While I appreciate that the Dark Priestess of Fashion Anna Wintour slipped in something for us hard-up whores by including that pic of a wet ASkars, he’s wearing way too many clothes in the other pictures while Margot is in a damn bikini top and panties. Whatever happened to equally objectifying both sexes?! Since this shoot was Tarzan-themed, Vogue could’ve fixed Hollywood’s mistake by putting Alexander Skarsgard in a Gucci loincloth or something. Why are Hollywood and the fashion world trying to keep ASkars and loincloths apart when they clearly belong together? I swear, they hate us.

There’s more pictures at Vogue.

Pics: Mert Alas and Marcus Piggot/Vogue

The face that the Australian Ice Queen is making is the exact face I make whenever I see that Keith Urban’s hair still looks like a dead Calico cat whose corpse has been flattened by a steamroller.

Keith Urban has a new album he’s gotta push, so he got his wife Nicole Kidman to do some carpool karaoke with him on Facebook. After Keith was done using the blow dryer to activate the Sun-In he sprayed onto his roadkill mop, he used it defrost Nicole Kidman and he dragged her into the car where they lip-synched to his duet with Carrie Underwood called The Fighter. This video showed me that either Nicole Kidman’s Antarctica of a heart has found a special place for Keith Urban in it or he’s got some scandalous shit on her, because those are the only reasons for why she’d agree to this mess. It is a little sweet, though. I mean, I’m sure Tom Cruise also sang a duet with her in the car, but he sang both parts and made her point a flashlight at him like it was a spotlight.

Here’s the video and yes, married people are weird, but married famous people are even weirder:

And I don’t exactly follow Keith Urban, but when did he decide to stop making country music and start making songs that sound like they belong in a Disney Channel musical?

Blake Lively has two movies to pimp out at Cannes, which means she has a whole lot of fancy costume changes to get through. I don’t know if Blake’s stylist went into this week with a theme in mind, but I’m guessing that if there was one, it was “Fabric Store Fire Sale.” Earlier in the week she wore some dirty mustard silk number embellished with clearance bin ribbons. Before that it was a patched-together pageant gown covered in puce glitter. And today, she showed up to the photo call for her shark movie, The Shallows, in the pastel pink pincushion-looking ensemble you see before you.

I think that thing on her shoulders is leftover curtain fabric. Although I’m sure it’s what the fashion world would call a “titty-framing shoulder drape.” Of course, I may be wrong about it being curtains. There is a chance it’s actually one of Elizabeth Taylor’s casual weekend turbans that Blake bought at an auction and accidentally stretched out six sizes too large after it got twisted around the agitator in the washing machine. Later in the day she showed up to the premiere of Slack Bay wearing an entire Jo-Ann store discount section worth of dusty blue chiffon, pearl beads, and $0.99 iron-on sequin appliqués.

Michael made a joke yesterday calling Blake “Beige O’Hara“, but really, this look is all Southern Belle debutante. Why do I get the feeling that there’s a wide-brimmed hat covered in silk magnolia blossoms, a parasol with the name “Miss Blake” painted on the handle, and a Judith Leiber clutch bedazzled to look like a ticket to the Kentucky Derby tucked away in a closet somewhere at Blake’s house?

Here’s more of Blake from earlier today. I can’t wait to sew what she wears next. If I know anything about FINAL SALE items from the fabric store, my guess is a dress made from the last bolt of summer weight rayon and a random grey zipper.

Pics: Wenn.com

Almost 6 years ago, Chelsea Handler ended up at the top of the Brangeloonies’ enemy list and they vowed to destroy her as soon as they tricked the doctors into thinking they were sane enough to be released from the mental hospital. (Side question: Do the Brangeloonies still exist?) Chelsea declared war with God when she called his prized creation Angelina Jolie a “home wrecker,” a “cunt,” and a “fucking bitch” during a show in Newark, NJ. Throughout the years, Jennifer Aniston’s main partner in tanning and boozing continued to slap at St. Angie by calling her everything from a “demon” to a “non-girl’s girl.”

2016 has sharted up many surprises and it seems like Chelsea’s naranja leather ass has softened up a bit, so if you’re wondering if she still hates St. Angie more than she hates the words “last call,” she answered that question recently. In the first episode of Chelsea’s Netflix show titled, wait for it…Chelsea, she talks to Drew Barrymore and this happened. via The Washington Post  

While talking to her friend Drew Barrymore during the show’s premiere, Handler — who is also known to be good friends with Jennifer Aniston — said “I think most women support women. If you’re a girl you should kind of like other girls and if you don’t, your name’s Angelina Jolie.”

Um, is Chelsea forgetting that St. Angie’s holy ‘gina has bumped it with Jenny Shimizu before. Angie does like some girls. But you know,  it’s a little comforting knowing that no matter how much this world changes, one thing will stay the same: Chelsea will forever hate St. Angie. And that’s probably the secret to Chelsea’s tan. Every time she talks shit about St. Angie, a lightning bolt from heaven hits her and crisps up her skin!

Pic: Wenn.com

Susan Sarandon and Debra Messing can officially stop fighting now, because the random feud baton has been snatched up by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber.

When the Cats revival opened in London in 2014, Nicole Scherzinger (aka the leader of the Pussycat Dolls and a member of underrated girl group of the aughts Eden’s Crush) played the glamour cat Grizabella. At the time, Sir ALW couldn’t slobber out enough streams of praise over her performance. He said that Nicole’s performance of the show’s biggest song “Memory” was the greatest recording of his music ever, which is saying a lot since the likes of Barbra Streisand, Betty Buckley, his ex-wife Sarah Brightman and Elaine Paige have all recorded his stuff. Sir ALW said that Nicole would bring her Grizabella to Broadway and take NYC by STORM! But well….

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