It’s really important you learn your place in THE BIZ. It’s a fickle mistress and will turn on you very quickly. The second you aren’t looking is the second it’ll snap down on your hand and, whoosh, it’s gone. You also really have to remember to not shit where you eat. Unless you like eating shit. And I’m assuming Katherine Heigl loves to eat shit because she’s been eating it as breakfast, lunch and dinner for years. She’s also been putting out a pretty constant stream of shit – from Killers to The Ugly Truth to State of Affairs. And of course her masterpiece, the kitty litter commercials. Which really are about shit. Well, now she’s back to give TV another shit. I mean shot.

Deadline Hollywood is reporting that Katherine’s new show for CBS, Doubt, has been picked up. No, sadly it isn’t a show adaptation of the Meryl Streep movie with Katherine playing a younger, crime solving and hard drinking version of her. Doubt is one of those run of the mill procedurals and falls into the legal genre. You may have heard about Doubt previously because Laverne Cox is a series regular, making it the first series to have a series regular transgender character played by a transgender person. I guess the scales always need to be balanced. Progress for transgender people balanced out with Katherine Heigl’s brand of insufferable.

The show was just ordered to series based on a pilot that was shot twice. Katherine was one of the changes made to the cast when they decided to shoot it again. The first time round, apparently, they didn’t pick it up, but still wanted to make it work. At what point does someone in charge of retooling say, “Hey! I know what will make this work! Katherine Heigl! People love her!“?

Pic: Wenn

Kids these days don’t know anything. All they want is a selfie like and to walk around in skimpy jeans! And music? Oh, brother! Can you even call what they’re listening to music? Between the EDMs and the pop tarts, there’s no room left for people who actually make music! Like the Red Hot Chili Peppers. They’re kind of the music of the generation that’s either close to or already in their 40s. And I know that they’re considered good. The band was headlining KROQ’s annual Weenie Roast but had to cancel due to illness afflicting lead singer Anthony Kiedis.

Billboard is telling us that a little after 10pm, Anthony was taken in an ambulance from the venue. Flea, the bassist, came out on stage to make an announcement about their set being cancelled as well as saying he and the rest of the band being “devastated“. A rep for KROQ said that Anthony was suffering from severe stomach pain. KROQ also tweeted this message in response to the cancellation:

Unfortunately due to illness the @ChiliPeppers were forced to cancel their set tonight at #WeenieRoast. More details to come.

— KROQ (@kroq) May 15, 2016

Eventually, Weezer filled the spot the Chilis were meant to be in. Other acts included Garbage, Miike Snow and Blink-182. Thinking about that line up just makes me feel old. Ugh. If things get worse, the Chilis can always call up Axl Rose. He didn’t let a little case of broken foot stop him. I’d like to know his secret because it seems like his bloated ass is invincible.

Pic: Wenn

Nabisco’s Escort Crackers!

I had never heard of Nabisco’s Escort Crackers until reader Angela slipped them into my box and let me know that they were an edible piece of pure elegance back in the day. Escort Crackers were introduced by Nabisco on a silver platter sometime in the early 1970s and stuck around until at least the early 1980s.

Escort Crackers were for those of you who had $1,000-an-hour call girl tastes but were on a “half-assed afternoon hand job from a toothless rest stop hooker” budget. If you ever had THE QUEEN over your house and wanted to serve her a spread that would outdo anything that was served to her at Buckingham Palace, you’d serve her General Foods International Coffee, Opera Creme cookies, Breyers Viennetta and Escort Crackers.

Escort Crackers’ slogan probably inspired Prince to write the lyric, “You don’t have to be rich to be my girl.” That’s what Escort’s slogan’s should’ve been: “You don’t have to be rich to eat our biscuits.”

Sadly, Escort Crackers are gone now, because the people of America no longer crave true decadence and sophistication. Because of THIS ECONOMY, Nabisco replaced Escort Crackers with Day-Shift Whore Biscuits, and later with Craigslist Hustler Saltines.

Pic: Vintage Paper Ads

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Pic: Buzzfeed

It seems like only yesterday… The world that was. Before civilization crumbled. It started quietly enough and then consumed society. The capitals fell, the economy collapsed and corruption ran rampant. What was once a successful niche fantasy book series called Game of Thrones came to life on TV and took control of the majority. It pulled people in with its fighting, magic and heavily gratuitous shots of boobs, boobs, more boobs and full frontal poon. I knew the obsession and corruption went all the way to the top, and now we have proof.

HuffPo tells us that Kit Harrington, or as some of you may know him, Jon Snow, was on The Tonight Show on Friday and told Jimmy Fallon about a run in with the dark, seedy underbelly of the law. While driving home after visiting his parents, Kit was pulled over by a cop for speeding. This is where things get real and scary. No the cop didn’t make him do sex things. Get your head out of the GoT gutter. No, the cop said to Kit:

He said, ‘Look, there’s two ways we could do this. You can either follow me back to the police station now and I book you in, or you can tell me whether you live in the next series of ‘Game of Thrones.

This officer is clearly someone who is not on the right side of the law. Were it up to him, he’d probably have let off Vanessa Hudgens for defacing that rock if she told him what brand of mascara Zac Efron used circa the High School Musical years. Well, Kit complied and told the officer that yes, Jon Snow was still alive. The cop then went full fan and said ,”On your way Lord Commander. Keep the speed down this far south of the wall.”

I had to stop watching that shit a few years ago because it was too much even for my sick and twisted mind. There’s only so many throat slittings, beheadings and rape one can sit through before it becomes too much. And on top of all that, it’s slower than watching paint dry. It’s like Hostel done by Merchant Ivory. Last week’s Saturday Night Live pretty much summed it up perfectly with their sketch about Jon Snow coming back to life. If you need a GoT fix, here’s Kit on Tonight:

Pic: Wenn

Nature is a wonder. Its beauty is endless, its majesty grand and its tranquility unrivalled. Just ask Justin Bieber. He’s ssssuuuuppppppeeeerrrrr into nature right now. But humans are destructive and selfish. Nature has suffered because of us and our hands are covered in green blood. You’d think that someone who lives for flower headbands and fringe vests would be out protecting it, not destroying it. Like noted Coachella attendee, Vanessa Hudgens. Not cool, Vanessa! Very, not cool!

Page Six reports that Vanessa has had to pay a $1,000 fine for defacing a beautiful, innocent, never-been-to-Coachella red rock wall in Sedona, Arizona. Back around Valentine’s Day she threw up a photo on Instagram of the vandalized rock in question, on which she’d written “Vanessa” and “Austin”, as in Austin Butler, her piece. She deleted it off her Instagram once she realized that its a crime to deface natural features, but this is the internet, where nothing ever dies.

The $1,000 fine seems like she’s getting off too easy. She should be in jail! That poor rock. If you’re going to deface something at least do it nicely. Don’t try and be cute with that pre-school level drawing, Vanessa. You are a grown woman. Act like it. Though it’s common for idiot people to ruin nature’s beauty, the culprits are rarely found, but because Vanessa is a celeb type and put it on the internet she done got caught. It was apparently her followers that reported her ass to the authorities. If you break the law, you’re gonna have to pay one way or another. Now who do I talk to about Grease: Live and the appropriate punishment?

Pics: Wenn, Instagram