The Portuguese news channel CMTV has long been the Alexis Carrington Colby to Cristiano Ronaldo’s Krystle Carrington. Crispy has boycotted them and even tried to sue them for airing stories about him and his family that he didn’t appreciate. CMTV and Crispy’s feud hit the water today, and unfortunately by that, I don’t mean that they got into a hot wrestling match in a lily pond ala Alexis and Krystle.

EURO 2016 (which I guess is like the Tonys of the football world?) is going down in France right now and Crispy’s team, Portugal, played Hungary today. Before the game, a reporter from CMTV strolled up to Crispy and asked him if he was prepared. Crispy basically said, “Bitch, fuck you, go ask the fishes,” with one simple move. Crispy grabbed the mic and tossed it into the lake. Justin Bieber needs to pull up a chair in the front row and study this video carefully. This is how you throw a hissy fit:

https://youtu.be/JnkIjzDUq6Q

The way he chucked that thing. You’d think that the reporter handed him a bottle of sunscreen. I don’t know what I love more: The thought of Crispy’s overcooked b-hole getting steamy as he wrestled that mic out of the reporter’s hand or the sound of that mic flying through the air. But really, it’s all fun and mic-throwing until we find out that the mic landed on and killed an endangered frog and Crispy gets imprisoned for it. I don’t know what color French prison uniforms are, but if they’re orange, Crispy is going to look perfect in them.

And here’s the mic tosser playing in today’s game:

Pics: Splash

I really wanted to love Vinyl. It had 70s fashions, 70s glamour, 70s music, Olivia Wilde in a chocha rug, Bobby Cannavale’s hairy nips and plenty of busted down gutter wigs. It had all the ingredients for a masterpiece. But I only made it halfway through episode 3 before I said, screw it, and watched Boogie Nights for the 4,500th time instead. Just days after Vinyl’s pilot episode aired, HBO announced they were renewing it even though the ratings weren’t that great. But today, HBO said that after careful consideration (aka they looked at the show’s crazy high budget and rising cost of chocha rugs) they have decided to chop up the Martin Scorsese and Mick Jagger-produced show into several lines and snort it all up. They’ve reversed the renewal and canned that shit. They released this statement:

 “After careful consideration, we have decided not to proceed with a second season of Vinyl. Obviously, this was not an easy decision. We have enormous respect for the creative team and cast for their hard work and passion on this project.”

I’m going to take a wild guess and say that 98% of the tricks who watched Vinyl only watched it because they wanted to see Bobby Cannavale in black chonies and a Vinnie Barbarino wig. So I have an idea. In Vinyl’s place, HBO should show reruns of one of its greatest shows, Six Feet Under, and get Bobby Cannavale to introduce each episode while wearing black chonies and a Vinnie Barbarino wig. HBO wouldn’t have a roof anymore because the ratings would knock it right the fuck off.

Screen shot: ausCAPS 

Based on the fact that he’s one of the highest-paid actors in the world and that his children talk like out-of-touch alien billionaires, Will Smith seems like the kind of rich I can only imagine about being. I picture him doing ultra-decadent shit, like delivering messages to Jada by hiring a skywriter (“We need more paper towels“). Apparently getting mega-rich off of shitty blockbusters that turned him into a massive star was one of Will Smith’s goals. But not anymore. Will spoke at the Cannes Lions festival yesterday about his career, and he says it’s all about the ~art~ now.

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If you didn’t know who Claudia Jordan was, you learned who she was yesterday when she made WORLDWIDE HEADLINES for confirming that Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes are bumping nipples. Claudia (who was in The Real Housewives of Atlanta was Briefcase Model #1 on Deal or No Deal) is friends with Jamie, and on the Allegedly podcast yesterday, she earned a dozen thirst points by saying that he’s very happy with Katie Holmes. But somebody (read: Suri) must have gotten to Claudia and told her to fix it, because now she’s backpedalling so hard that she’s probably developed six-packs on her calves.

After Claudia said that Jamie and Katie are very happy, she told Entertainment Tonight that she had no idea what she was talking about. If there was video footage of Claudia on the Allegedly podcast, you’d clearly see her spreading her ass cheeks open in front of a mic to let her b-hole do the talking, because that info about Jamie and Katie has as much weight as a fart. Claudia told ET that she has no idea if FoxHol is real, she’s never seem them together, Jamie has never told her that they’re together and she “misspoke.” The clip is actually kind of funny, because Claudia keeps repeating herself and wants to nail it into our brains that she knows nothing about FoxHol. If you looked into her head, you’d see her brain jizzing from a camera being on her, but you’d also see her praying that Jamie Foxx doesn’t kick her out of his entourage.

Or maybe it wasn’t Jamie or Katie who got to Claudia. Maybe just maybe Katie has some weird agreement with Tom Cruise and Scientology to not let her relationships go public. Maybe it was Tommy who got to Claudia. I mean, Claudia does look like she’s trying not to laugh while remembering the moment when Little Lord Tommy got in her face and threatened her while standing on a stack of phone books on an apple box.

And since I brought up Claudia’s ass, here it is in an old bikini photo shoot a few years ago:

Pics: Wenn.com

“On your left, is the French impressionist painting titled ‘Stunt Queens At A Concert’ by Monet’s ghost, 2016” – a tour guide at the Shameless PR Couples Hall of Fame and Museum.

Okay, it’s one thing to dance like a malfunctioning cymbal monkey next to Taylor Swift at the Met Gala. But busting out some awkward dad head bops at a Selena Gomez concert is another thing that does not need to happen ever. One week after their young adult romance book cover photo shoot came out in The Sun, Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston hugged on each other and danced together at her BFF Selena Gomez’s show in Nashville, TN last night. When Meat Loaf sings, “I would do anything for love,” (or in this case, “I would do anything for PR“) he meant anything BUT dance at a Selena Gomez concert.

Videos of ToTay dancing have popped up on Twitter and Snapchat, and I know he’s only 9 years older than her, but he looks like an uncomfortable suburban dad chaperone trying to look like a cool and hip dad in front of his daughter’s tween friends at a Selena Gomez concert. I mean, Selena Gomez!

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“Ah must say, I do believe my derrière is just about as thick and juicy as a big ol’ cast iron pan of plantation peach cobbler. Goodness me, it appears that talking about it has done given me a case of the vapors!”

Last month, Blake Lively pissed off some people after she posted a front-and-back picture of herself on Instagram with the caption: “L.A. face with an Oakland booty.” Most people weren’t having it because they thought she was being racially insensitive. Despite the pitchforks, Blake never yanked down the picture from Instagram.

Even though Sir Mix-A-Lot himself gave Blake two anacondas up, Blake isn’t ready to let the whole “Oakland booty” thing go just yet. During an interview with Sway in the Morning (via UsWeekly) on Tuesday, Blake defended her decision to quote Sir Mix-A-Lot.

“It’s something I was proud of. I never meant to offend anyone. I was celebrating my body…It’s nice to have a nice curve and not look like you’re starving to death.”

Sway in the Morning’s Sway Calloway, who is from Oakland, added his two cents, saying: “I’m from Oakland, Blake. And if I say you have an Oakland booty, then you have an Oakland booty, damn it.”

Blake also wanted everyone to know that the Blake you see walking up a red carpet is not what Blake looks like in real life. But does real life Blake still have an Oakland booty? Or is that red carpet trickery, like ass pads and a Bubbles® butt bra. Where is the real Blake’s real ass from? Berkeley? Alameda? These are the important questions.

Here’s Blake at the NYC premiere of The Shallows yesterday giving you discount dominatrix on top and DIY bride who forgot to sew the lining into her dress on the bottom.

Pics: Wenn.com