Slow clap for Tumblr lovegod Tom Hiddleston if his next move is dropping a chart-topping EDM single under the name DJ LOKI called “Tay Tay is My Bae Bae (“Calvin Harris Is A Bitch Ass” Remix). The Sun reports (via Page Six) that Loki is currently being considered to replace the currently bereaved Calvin Harris as the body, butt, and bulge of Emporio Armani’s underwear campaign.

Potential 007 Tom is reportedly on a short list of candidates that include Joe Jonas (I’d prefer the gay-baiting brother), Chris Pine (*snore*), and Liam Hemsworth (Frankly, I’m #TeamPeeta).

In DJ Buff Yet Bland’s defense, he did take leave of Armani on his own to work on a fashion line.

Who am I kidding? This isn’t Loki’s doing, it’s Taylor Swift’s! It’s all grist for the songwriting mill, and the more trauma she causes him, the better. She’s somewhere below Oprah on the Celebrity Omnipotence Chart (Pippi Yawnstocking took on Apple and won). She can probably have people killed at this point. Behind that nondescript “who me?” slumber party princess image is a calculating conniver of epic proportions. She’s basically a blonde Sith Lord.

Check out some more life-changing pics of Tom and Swifty strolling the beach in Suffolk below, as well as some billboards of Calvin from his old modeling gig.

Pics: Splash

Johnny “Dirt Dog” Depp, perhaps forgetting his gothy tragedy couple “WINONA FOREVER/WINO FOREVER” tattoo debacle back in the day, has once again been forced to modify some body art. Amidst his incredibly contentious divorce proceedings with ex Amber Heard, he obviously grew sick of seeing her nickname (“Slim”) on his knuckles and her pin-up body on his arm. “SLIM” is now “SCUM” (subtle), and Amber’s body shot has become…the monolith from 2001? A greasy green glass old school Coke bottle? A big bullet? A dildo? You decide.

Why would you ever get anyone’s name or likeness grafted on to your body? It can always go wrong. Nothing lasts forever. Even those with “Mom” inked on their tits. What if “Mom” ends up cutting you out of the will or sleeping with your spouse? I know a person with a friggin’ Garth Brooks tattoo. That’s probably the reason his wife slept with his best friend. Let’s examine our choices and have some realizations. There is no penis, vagina or whatever they’re sporting that is worth the future regret and embarrassment of having to transform bad ink into worse ink.

Check out some screenshots of Depp from a promo and an interview he did with KLOS 95.5 in the gallery below. You can sort of make out “SCUM” if you squint and have the Hubble Space Telescope for eyes. You’ll also notice that someone should suspend Johnny’s Overstock.com account because – bracelets. Someone hasn’t heard the old adage about taking off one 25 accessories before leaving the house.

Pic: WENN

Fergie Ferg celebrates motherhood by dousing her lady humps, bumps, lumps, dumps, what have you (“chumps” comes to mind when Kim Kardashian’s hot air balloon disaster ass wobbles up) in milk in her new “MILF$” video. It’s a pervy celebration of mommy complexes, Mary Kay Letourneau-esque classroom fap fantasies, and lactation. Yum!

According to the opening shot, “MILF” in this case stands for “Mothers I’d Like To Follow,” so expect something innocent and demure. That’s dumb. She shrieks out “motherfucker” at least three times during the course of this faux cum fiesta. Why the backpedaling?

In addition to Kummy Kakes, celebrity moms assisting Fergie in her effort to turn the world off of dairy forever are Chrissy Teigen, Ciara, Alessandra Ambrosio, Devon Aoki, Gemma Ward, Angela Lindvall, Amber Valletta, Tara Lynn, Natasha Poly, and Isabeli Fontana.

The only one I fully support in this video is Amber Valleta because she was the recipient of one of the better television hell diva flip-offs in recent history when Madeline Stowe’s Victoria read her character’s sidepiece ass on Revenge.

She must have emerged from that feeling shiny and brand-new. Like an acid bath makeover! “Every time I hug you is my hatred burning through.” Gather her, Victoria Grayson!

Fergie should have given this messy video some class by having Victoria’s Grayson’s dead-eyed resentful ass “sexy” yoga mom-ing it alongside these other chicks.

Check out the video (and some screencaps of Fergie and friends) in the gallery below.

Divine!

Divine deserves the title of HSOTD for the simple fact that the cover for their first, and only, album “Fairy Tales” looks like it was shot in a knock-off Glamour Shots in a strip mall somewhere. (And that is one of the definitions of late-90s glamour.) But Divine was much more than their gorgeous $4 album cover (which still looks like it had a higher budget than Caitlyn Jenner’s Sports Illustrated cover).

Divine was a girl group from the 90s that was made up of Kia Thornton, Nikki Bratcher and Tonia Tash, and sadly, they weren’t named after the legendary Divine and they didn’t make any songs about her. The world does need a Divine tribute band, though. Divine got together in 1996 and just two years later they had a huge #1 hit with “Lately.” I bet at least one junior high school talent show featured a group of girls who butchered the shit out of that song.

The video for “Lately” also holds a special place in the 1998 time capsule thanks to their exquisite butterfly clips, those slip dresses, that Mad Hatter meets Blossom hat and their newsboy ensembles bought directly from Charlotte Russe.

Divine released a cover of George Michael’s “One More Try” in 1999 before breaking up forever. But since every young trick is trying to do 90s fashion nowadays (see: everyone wearing a damn choker), Divine needs to reunite to show those hos how it’s really, really done.

Lindsay Lohan (30)
Margot Robbie (26)
Dev (27)
Ashley Tisdale (31)
Johnny Weir (32)
Michelle Branch (33)
Owain Yeoman (38)
Erin Burnett (40)
Peter Kay (43)
Yancy Butler (46)
Monie Love (46)
Doug Benson (52)
Jose Canseco (52)
Samy Naceri (55)
Bret Hart (59)
Jerry Hall (60)
Wendy Schaal (62)
Larry David (69)
Polly Holiday (79)
Richard Petty (79)

Pic: Blank Magazine

Apparently Taylor Swift feels “completely free” to be the real Taylor around Tom Hiddleston, and that he encourages her to be “authentic.” That’s seems appropriate, since I’m sure “real” and “authentic” are totally words we all would use to describe their relationship – Celebitchy

I see Teresa Giudice used the “Look like anyone but Teresa Giudice” filter on her face  – Reality Tea

Aziz Ansari’s daddy is very cute. And yes, in this case, “daddy” means his actual daddy – Lainey Gossip

I recommend protecting your eyes with some sunglasses before viewing the following pictures to prevent being accidentally blinded by the extremely high levels of beauty – Hollywood Tuna

Demi Lovato’s butt had a very busy week – The Superficial

It’s only ever a matter of time before the porn parody of a movie happens, so of course there’s a gay porn parody of Tarzan – Towleroad

I guess Keira Knightley’s lips were mad at each other during this photoshoot, because they didn’t pose together once – Drunken Stepfather

Emma Roberts looks like she’s stalling for time before going to her part-time summer job at Urban Outfitters – Popoholic

The baby Keri Russell made with Matthew Rhys is a boy and his name is Sam – Popsugar

Lady Gaga just got her driver’s license at 30 and she celebrated with a selfie. NO GAGA, EYES ON THE ROAD! – Just Jared

Elizabeth Gilbert doesn’t want to be married to the dude she met in the Love section of Eat, Pray, Love anymore – Jezebel

Happy Friday, here’s Rafael Nadal’s butt cheeks! – OMG Blog

Anna Kendrick has no plans to dethrone the current Miss America of Meeting Fans, Taylor Swift – Huffington Post

Téa Leoni smears peanut butter on her face and lets her dog lick it off for charity. At least I think it’s for charity… – SOW

The trailer for Why Him? kind of looks like an alternate reality Breaking Bad where Walter White has a daughter and she’s dating Jesse Pinkman – Pajiba

Padma Lakshmi tries the overalls-with-no-shirt look, and I can’t help but feel really bad for her boobies – Egotastic

Hilary Duff kind of looks like she’s starring as Tonya Harding in a small town musical theater adaptation of The Price of Gold, and I sort of love it? – WWTDD

Pic: Splash