The Tidal that we know and a small handful of people love has been around for a little over a year, and it’s kind of been a never-ending mess for Jay Z. Beyonce’s husband tried really hard to convince people his music streaming service wasn’t a total failure, but it’s hard when a bunch of people are getting fired and sued and nosy-ass bitches are showing everyone the receipts. Jay Z has never he wanted to sell Tidal. After all, his wife is still releasing music on it. But it sounds like someone is interested in buying, and that person is Apple.

According to The Wall Street Journal (via New York Post), Apple is reportedly in talks to purchase Tidal. And not because it’s a groundbreaking platform or whatever reason you’d buy Tidal. No, they want Tidal for their big-name artists, like Kanye West and Madonna, and also to chafe at Spotify’s ass a little. Who knew Apple were such bitter bitches? Apple is currently fighting with Spotify over subscribers, and I guess they’re hoping that buying Tidal will make them the more popular table in the lunchroom or something.

So far, the talks are just in the preliminary stages, and nothing serious has happened. Jay Z reportedly purchased Tidal for $56 million, so it’s anyone’s guess as to what Apple will pay. Of course, Tidal wants you to know that Apple isn’t kicking Tidal’s tires and checking the list price online. A spokesperson for Tidal denies that Apple and Tidal are talking.

Apple is the 12 richest company in the world. If they really wanted to buy Tidal, I doubt Jay Z would stop them. After all, mama could always use a new collection of custom-made bodysuits. But if they do buy Tidal, everyone at Apple better have some earplugs handy for when their cheer squad captain Taylor Swift finds out her on-again/off-again frenemy Kanye West has been assigned to the same homeroom as her.

Pic: Splash

If you had told me when I was a child that I would one day see a squirrel water skiing, let alone watch a video of it on something called the internet, I would’ve called you a goddamn liar. The moral of the story here is that miracles happen. Or that truth is stranger than fiction. Like the fact that the Texas T-Rex, Matthew McConaughey, is teaching a class at a university. For the second time. Huh?

It’s no secret that Matthew loves his alma mater, the University of Texas at Austin. He’s always back there to watch the team, the Texas Longhorns, play [insert sport]. He loves them so much, he even gave a motivational speech to the team and the coaches to get them pumped before a big game in 2014 against the University of Kansas (whose team I’m assuming are the Kansas Ruby Reds). But now he’s back there teaching a film class for the second time, according to UsWeekly. He and director Gary Ross, of The Hunger Games, and university lecturer Scott Rice are teaching a follow-up class to one they did this past spring.

The class is centered around Matthew’s newest movie, Free State of Jones. The first class was about the making of it, and this second one takes students behind the scenes through videos and on-campus visits. Basically it’s like a really crap extras section on a DVD. And this class is basically just a commercial for the movie. But I guess if James Franco can “teach” at NYU, USC and, most recently, Palo Alto High, then Matthew McConaughey can by all means “teach” at UT Austin.

But before he puts his professor cap back on, the Texas T-Rex is busy shooting The Dark Tower. Based on these pictures, we can safely assume he’s playing a role that’s at least partly inspired by Weston Cage. Here he is shooting scenes today in New York:

Pics: Splash

It’s summer. Which means that about a month and a half ago I, and probably you, said “Fuck, I need to get in shape.” I’ve actually managed to get in some half-decent progress in that time and no longer think that going to my gym just to use the toilet counts as exercise. Of course there are people at the murderous classes I take who make me feel like I’ll never be good enough, but they don’t come close to reaching the levels of shame that J.K. Simmons makes me, and, again, probably you, feel. Pepaw is fucking ripped.

At the beginning of June, J.K.’s trainer, Aaron Williamson, posted pictures to Instagram of J.K. and his 61-year-young, newly acquired gym rat body. J.K. is playing Commissioner Gordon in the Justice League movie, so hos speculated that that’s why he went and got all #instafit. But no, that’s not why. People says that in an interview with Business Insider, J.K. revealed that he’s just dedicated to being healthy, and the Justice League timing is coincidental.

“This is all coincidental. I’m not going to mess with something that iconic. After the second and final time that I got hugely fat in my life and when I lost that weight six or seven years ago, I pretty much decided that I was going to stay in decent shape for the rest of my life.”

He also had his first wake up call when he realized he needed to beat the bulge while he was on Oz. And no, that isn’t some sort of sex pun playing on the fact that Oz was beyond pornographic, so get your head out of the gutter.

“I was not in good shape at all. I was overweight and soft and here I am playing the head of the Aryan Brotherhood in this maximum-security prison in the first-ever HBO original drama and I was watching the first season when it came out and I just thought, ‘Wow, I don’t believe this guy at all. I have to get my ass to the gym and be a believable hard-ass.'”

Does this mean we can all slack off physically and then get super fit in our 60s? If you tell me I’m gorgeous as I eat my fifth chili cheese hotdog I’ll do the same for you. Ok? Deal!

Pic: Instagram

Just in case you forgot that Chris Brown was still a giant Sam’s Club-sized asshole who has to destroy everything he gets within arm’s reach of. TMZ says that the owner of several World’s Shittiest Boss mugs is currently in trouble with Ibiza police after he allegedly trashed a rental house.

Chris Brown is currently touring around Europe, and he rented the villa in the picture above for the last week of June. Yes, someone was dumb enough to rent their house to the human tornado of trouble known as Chris Brown. Sadly, the landlord found this out the hard way. Chris was supposed to be out of the house at a certain time, but he wasn’t leaving. The landlord called the cops in an attempt to remove him, but it turns out Chris Brown wasn’t the only problem inside the house. According to a police report, it was allegedly a disaster. There were knife marks on the wall (from either throwing knives or just straight-up carving into the wall), someone had peed on one of the beds, and there was vomit everywhere. The piss and the barf I understand, but knife marks? Were they doing the damn Mamushka?

The landlord claims Chris Brown also still owed him $26,000 for rent, but after adding up the cost of all the damage, that number is closer to $60,000. A source close to Chris says that the rent issue has been settled, and that the reason it hadn’t been paid on time was due to a banking issue on the landlord’s end. No word on if the cash Chris Brown transferred to the landlord also included the money for the alleged damages.

I know that landlord couldn’t have predicted that his house would have ended up worse than the inside of a port-o-potty at a Florida State Fair. But seeing the name “Chris Brown” on the rental agreement should have been their first indication that their villa was in for a bad time. Let this be a lesson to future landlords: If Chris Brown wants to rent your house, it’s probably a good idea to call up your insurance company and make sure your policy includes Chris Brown Coverage first.

Pic: Instagram

TV speaker repair shop owners are in a real panic today. Their business is about to lose probably its biggest sector. People aren’t going to be coming in for their bi-monthly speaker repair anymore because the master of screaming, howling, hollering and so forth, Nancy Grace, is saying “adios” to HLN and her current show, Nancy Grace. Which is good news for me, because it means HLN can hire me to scream at people and make unfounded accusations on TV and finally live out my dream.

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I’m on vacation in Pair-ree right now and I haven’t been to the Louvre yet (because I hate myself, but I don’t hate myself enough to stand in that line), but if I go, I plan to immediately ask to speak to the “manager.” I’m going to take the manager to a private corner and whisper in their ear that I have a hot art tip for them that’ll make them the envy of every museum in the world! I will tell the “manager” that a highly important work of art and historic artifact is up for auction. Once I tell them that Angelyne is selling one of her priceless hot pink chariots, I will fall back out of shock if the manager doesn’t wink at me while saying that they’re already on it.

The forever-reigning Queen of Los Angeles, who for years made the city a much more glamorous place with her billboards, is graciously offering up one of her beautiful chariots to us, the peasants. L.A. Weekly says that the stunning love child of an anime doll and a hot pink peony is selling one of the pink Corvettes that blows pink glitters out of its exhaust pipes when she drives around while surveying her land. She also uses her Corvette to sell Angelyne merchandise to her subjects out of her trunk.

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