Well, At Least We’ll Always Have This Picture Of Tom Hiddleston Internally Screaming His Face Off
The publicist of every famous and single white dude out there is pissed today. They were planning to ease into the work week after the long holiday, but now they can’t since they’ll have to spend all day sending head shots of their clients to Taylor Swift’s PR team, because she’ll need a new photo-op partner now that she and Tom Hiddleston are over! As the cherubs prepare to fly themselves into the sun since the meaning of “genuine love” is forever dead, we need to prepare our eye-rolling muscles since a new album is probably coming soon. I, for one, can’t wait for the track titled “This Our Swan (Pastry) Song.”
Britney Spears Has Threatened To Sue InTouch For Saying She Was Acting Loopy At The VMAs
If I had to describe Britney Spears’ performance at the MTV VMAs last week, I’d say she was mostly committed to moving her mouth along with the music. I also watched both the VMAs backstage and audience camera feed, and both times I saw Brit Brit, she was smiling like they told her she was going home with a $50 Cracker Barrel gift card. But according to InTouch Weekly, the Britney I saw at the VMAs was far from the Britney they saw. TMZ says Britney’s lawyer claims that what InTouch saw isn’t the truth and her team has threatened to sue.
Amber Heard Has Dropped Her Lawsuit Against Doug Stanhope
During Amber Heard and Johnny Depp’s chunky diarrhea puddle of a messy divorce fight, Johnny’s friend, comedian Doug Stanhope, made it perfectly clear that he’s sitting on the side marked “Team Queso Dick and Butt Breath” when he wrote an essay where he labeled Amber as a lie-telling and manipulative gold digging hussy harlot tramp whore. Doug claimed that Amber invented fake domestic abuse allegations against Johnny and used them to blackmail him for a big divorce settlement. Amber responded to Doug’s essay by suing him for defamation. Since Amber and Johnny’s divorce war is finally over (or is it?), she has decided to toss her lawsuit against Doug into a dumpster fire, along with all of the clothes that got ruined from Johnny getting his French onion soup-smelling armpit syrup on them.
Taylor Swift Might Not Escort Tom Hiddleston To The Emmys After All (UPDATE)
Go ahead and forget about the barf bag you were preparing to keep within arm’s reach while watching the Emmy Awards later this month. The Daily Mail says that the red carpet display of real love starring Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston might not actually happen. Hell, their whole relationship might stop happening, because according to sources, Taylor suspects that Perfect Boyfriend Tom might be – GASP – using her for publicity. Someone using Taylor for publicity? How dare they! Exploiting people for publicity is her thing.
The Woman Who Dani Mathers Body-Shamed On Snapchat Has Come Forward
A couple of months ago, Allison brought us the tale of the bunny shit-brained Playboy Playmate named Dani Mathers who thought it would be a good idea to take a picture of a naked lady in the locker room of her gym and put it on Snapchat with the note, “If I can’t unsee this then you can’t either.” The only thing I couldn’t unsee is that dumb fuck move. The lady had no idea that Dani took her picture, and Dani later mouth sharted out some dingle about how it was an “accident” and supposed to be a joke between friends. That little joke got Dani Mathers banned from all L.A. Fitness locations and she was pink-slipped from her radio job. The police also opened up an investigation against her. It is such a big mess that not enough Hugh Hefner’s former clean-up supervisor Holly Madison can clean it up. And it may get worse for Dum Dum Dani, because the lady whose naked body was made fun of has been tracked down by the cops and she wants that evil bunny bitch to pay!
Gretchen Carlson Has Settled Her Lawsuit Against Roger Ailes And Fox News For $20 Million
Almost two months ago, Gretchen Carlson (seen above looking like she’s posing for her ConservativeMingle.com profile picture) dropped a sexual harassment lawsuit into the laps of former Fox News chairman (and current Trump employee) Roger Ailes and her former employers at Fox News. Gretchen accused Roger of a mountain of inappropriate stuff, like repeatedly suggesting sex times and allegedly firing her when she refused. Thankfully there will be no courtroom trial in which a prosecutor will hold up a package of raw ground hamburger and ask Roger to show where he asked people to touch him. Vanity Fair says that Gretchen has settled her lawsuit and it only cost 21st Century Fox $20 million.