Last week, the always-truthful British literary periodical known as The Sun said that Bond producer Barbara Broccoli and the head bitches at Sony came up with a short list of actors who could possibly replace STAINS eyeball twin Daniel Craig if he really decides to hang up his tux for good. Idris Elba, Tom Hiddleston, Michael Fassbender, Luke Evans, Aidan Turner, Charlie Hunnam, James Norton and Billy Elliot were all on that short list, according to The Sun. But well, the always-truthful American literary periodical known as Radar claims that the head bitches at Sony aren’t even thinking about touching that short list and are instead sending dump trucks full of gold bars to Daniel Craig’s house, because they really, really want him back. Those around Tom Hiddleston better brace their eardrums, because I have a feeling that the internal scream he’s been holding in for months is going to come shooting out of his mouth when he finds out that he dad-danced at a Selena Gomez concert and played patty cake with Taylor Swift’s cats for NOTHING!

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If you’re wondering why Chevy Chase is working some black padded strap business in the picture above, it’s actually part of a sling that is holding up a busted arm. An arm that I’m not even going to guess how it got busted, but if that headline is any clue, then I think I might have a couple ideas.

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Pic: Catsmob

Giulia Salemi and Dayane Mello, the demure Italian roses who delivered devastating amounts of elegance and sophistication to the Venice Film Festival premiere of The Young Pope on Saturday!

It took over four years, but two Italian goddesses finally showed St. Angie Jolie how to really work a slit in your dress. If your dress slit isn’t cut so high that you’re threatening everyone with a view of your slit slit, then you’re doing it wrong. These two Italian models did it right at the Venice Film Festival over the weekend. While escorted by some DJ named Matteo Manzini, my new fashion icons knocked every ho to the ground when they sashayed on through in the kind of coochie-baring gown that Duchess Kate would’ve worn on her wedding day if Duchess Kate had an ounce of taste in her.

There’s not enough water in all of Europe to quench the thirst of these two dehydrated jewels and thank every god for that, because if they weren’t mega hard-up for attention, we wouldn’t have gotten several eyefuls of them redefining the meaning of “prim” while practically flashing their snatches. Because these genteel butterflies knew that camera lenses would burst and bitches would pass out if their pussy lips made an appearance, they wore some kind of thong thing that matched their dresses. But I think what really takes their looks to the upper echelons of class is their tan lines:

The premiere of The Young Pope was the perfect event to wear these modest gowns, because when you stare at that cooch curtain barely covering up their punanes, you can practically hear the voice of God screaming, “SANTO DIOS,” over all of the potent elegance wafting off of these exquisite dew drops.

Pics: Getty, Splash, Wenn.com

Idris Elba (44)
Max George (28)
Lauren Lapkus (31)
Pippa Middleton (33)
Kerry Katona (36)
Foxy Brown (38)
Cisco Adler (38)
Naomie Harris (40)
Nina Persson (42)
Justin Whalin (42)
Justina Machado (44)
Anika Noni Rose (44)
Dolores O’Riordan (45)
Trina McGee (47)
CeCe Peniston (47)
Macy Gray (49)
Chad Coleman (50)
Rosie Perez (52)
Chris Christie (54)
Elizabeth Vargas (54)
Jeff Foxworthy (58)
Carly Fiorina (62)
Jane Curtin (69)
Swoosie Kurtz (72)
Roger Waters of Pink Floyd (73)
Jo Anne Worley (79)

Pic: Interview

Because it’s Labor Day, we’re taking the day off and I plan to spend my afternoon filling my eating and drinking hole with the sweet nectar and hot weenies (not the kind that I wish, sadly) while enlightening my mind by going back and forth between the Tiny House Nation marathon and the “At 17” marathon on Lifetime. So for now, I leave you with these pictures of RiRi making PETA reach for a bucket of red paint and a sack of flour by wearing some gigantic fur coat in NYC last night.

That shit looks like a giant heart-shaped plush toy that took Drake only 500 tries and hundreds of dollars to win for his soulmate at some carnival game. That furry foolery on RiRi’s body was made by Saint Laurent and costs around the same price as a fully loaded Nissan Versa ($15,500 with FREE SHIPPING!). I couldn’t find out the numbers of Elmos that were viciously murdered for a coat that RiRi’s going to probably wear just once.

And as everyone on Twatter pointed out, RiRi looks like she captured Gossamer from Looney Tunes, skinned him and then wore his red, furry hide:

It goes without saying but Gossamer definitely wears himself better. I mean, RiRi could have at least wore some high-heeled Chucks.

Pics: Splash