The Chainsmokers are an EDM duo and yes, in their case, EDM stands for Extremely Douchey Messes. They currently have the #1 song in the country “Closer” (featuring Halsey) and so Billboard (via Vulture) did a cover story on them. If you or someone you know happens to be suffering from cooch or b-hole odor, just rub your stinky parts all over The Chainsmokers’ Billboard interview and it’ll come out smelling like a fresh Summer’s Eve.

The Chainsmokers (I’m surprised they didn’t call themselves The Chainvapers) are made up of Alex Pall (on the left) and Drew Taggart, and together they have the modesty of Miles Teller and the humbleness of Kanye West. They brag about how they’ve always been hard-up horny all the time, how they’ve earned all the gold stars in boozing and how when their dick tips touch, it becomes a 17.34 inch long centipeen. They’re both like a charisma-less Chad Radwell from Scream Queens on Bod Man-scented roids. I think I’m in love.

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Seen above on the right: the best bunk bed.

It’s September, which means there are tons of students who have just moved in their first shared college dorm. As anyone who did college knows, your roommate situation can be a real crapshoot. Sometimes you’re paired with a roommate who doesn’t care that you spend most of your time eating raw cookie dough crumbled into a giant bowl of instant butterscotch pudding while watching Jenny Jones in you underwear in a broken butterfly chair (hey Lauren!). And sometimes you’re paired with a roommate you’re convinced was conceived in the 7th layer of Hell when Satan had unprotected sex with a nightmare taking the form of a human. And sometimes when that happens, one of the roommates says “Fuck it” and tweets the emails that were sent between the roommates and we all get to suffer together.

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ZzzQuil doesn’t have to worry about another four weeks of low sales, because Anna Wintour didn’t put another snooze-making model on the cover of Vogue this month. Nobody will walk past the latest issue of Vogue and think “Ooh, I feel so drowsy.” It’s impossible to feel sleepy when there’s so much to look at on Lupita Nyong’o’s dress. The collar looks like those fancy candies old people put out at Christmas and those orange chiffon things look like the Wuzzles version of a shar pei and a starfish. Not to mention that Lupita Nyong’o appears to be giving me a look that says she’s wondering how many times I’ve tried to eat beads that look like candy. The answer is twice, Lupita!

But Lupita isn’t in this month’s Vogue just to look good. She also says things too.

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Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned by actually liking something done by the donut-murdering girl Damien.

Ariana Grande Latte did an interview with Ryan Seacrest for On Air with Ryan Seacrest (via HuffPo) yesterday, and the Labyrinth Goblin (I’m talking about Ryan, not Ariana) brought up a picture she posted on Instagram. Ariana posted a picture of her own personal KFed named Mac Miller trying to motorboat her chest as she pooted out a Bratz doll fart onto him. (That’s what I’m seeing in the pic anyway.) Ryan said that the picture was a confirmation that Ariana and Mac Miller are together, and she wasn’t having him poking at her personal life.

The Micro Machine Mariah Carey didn’t exactly deliver Mimi-levels of shade, but she did check a bitch. Ariana is the one who made that picture public by posting it and Ryan is just doing his job as one of the most serious journalists of our time, but I am always for someone scraping a layer of porcelain off of his veneers.

It’s like Chicken Little v. Chicken Little-er.

Ryan puffed his chest a bit, but in the end, he knew to stand down, because there was no nearby adult for him to hide behind if Ariana got up.

The PPP Foundation (Plight of the Pretty People Foundation) was founded recently by Charlize Theron, Jessica Biel and Kit Harington (no, it wasn’t) to bring awareness to all of the eyeball-burning hot actors who have a hard time getting roles because casting directors can’t look past their gorgeous beauty. Halle Berry may join the board soon.

Charlize summoned a tidal wave of eye rolls when she cried that none of the meaty roles in movies are written for a “gorgeous, gown-wearing eight-foot model,” and Halle didn’t exactly echo that, but she did say she had to prove that she’s more than just a stunning goddess of beauty.

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“Hmmm…that’s odd. I’ve sent at least a dozen dick pics and haven’t gotten a single text back. Maybe her phone crashed from how impressive my big boy parts are. That must be it.”

There are many small joys in this life. One of my favorites is texting someone you haven’t spoken to in a while and getting the “New phone, who dis” text in return. Luckily for Justin Bieber, he’ll most likely receive such a gift the next time he goes to text Selena Gomez. UsWeekly says that Selena recently got a new phone number (EXTRA EXTRA STOP THE PRESSES). But there’s one person she doesn’t want having that new number, and it’s her ex Justin Bieber.

Selena recently took a break from being Selena Gomez to deal with some lupus side effects, so she’s got a lot on her plate. One of the things she didn’t want on her plate was dealing with 1am texts asking “hey u sleepin?” followed by an eggplant emoji. I don’t know for sure that Justin has ever done that, he just seems like the type. Not to mention that conversing with Justin Bieber through a digital device doesn’t exactly seem to end well for Selena.

A source says that she instructed everyone that got her new number “not to give it to him.” It will be interesting to see how long that lasts. Justin probably already has a clever scheme up his sleeve for how to get that number. My tip for anyone in possession of Selena’s new number: If Justin asks to borrow your phone to look up the nearest crappy tattoo shop, don’t give it to him! He’s lying, he doesn’t need a phone for that. Anyone with as many janky tattoos as he’s got can sniff that out like a bloodhound.

Pic: Wenn.com