Miles Teller Is The Epitome Of Humble (UPDATE)

August 5, 2015 / Posted by:

Some people have called Miles Teller (the dude in The Spectacular Now, Whiplash, the new Fantastic Four, etc..) “Shia LaDouche’s understudy,” because he kind of looks like a Shia LaDouche Claymation figure that was sloppily sculpted by someone in a rush. But also because Miles Teller has the potent essence of cocky douche in him.

In past interviews, Miles has spit at the hand that feeds him, looked down at John Cusack’s career and said, “I’ve seen like five minutes of a lot of shit,” when asked if he watched any of J.K. Simmons‘ work before working with him on Whiplash. 28-year-old Miles did a new interview with Esquire and he didn’t really hate on anyone this time around, because he was too busy deep throating his own highball glass of a dick and redefining smug. Miles Teller pretty much went on about how great Miles Teller is. If Miles Teller’s goal was to get people to root for the flying chair while re-watching Whiplash, it might’ve worked!

Below are a quotes. The entire interview was written in third second person, by the way. I’m just warning you.

He jokes about having a big dick: You’ve just told him, by way of making conversation, that according to legend the champagne coupe in your hand is shaped like Marie Antoinette’s left breast, and he tells you the highball glass is modeled after his cock. Then he tells the waitress the same thing.

He’s hotter than hating whores give him credit for: “I was thinking about that today, how I probably think I’m better-looking than the public thinks I am,” he says with a laugh, like it’s funny that he’s willed himself into a higher tier of male beauty through limitless confidence. “I was in one of these forums about a film I did, and it’s like, ‘This dude is so ugly! How does he get fucking parts?’ ‘Well, he’s not, like, traditionally handsome, but . . .’ And that’s kind of what it is. Maybe it’s because I came from a small town, but I always did well for myself.”

His model girlfriend tattooed his initials on her nalgas: He’s appealingly attainable, a good-looking guy who shouldn’t know he’s good-looking, who should believe the commenters, except that he dates a twenty-two-year-old model/aspiring swimsuit designer/professional girlfriend who thinks Teller is attractive enough to have permanently monogrammed her perfect ass with his initials.

He made the interviewer cut his meat for him (not a euphemism): The pork looks great and you offer him some. “I’ll take a little bit,” he says, sawing at it. Then: “I can’t cut this.” You have to cut his meat for him, a man who ten minutes earlier showed you an iPhone photo of his back muscles to prove how strong he is. He wants you to cut it small. “I don’t have back teeth. I literally have four teeth.” Not true. He’s right, though, this pork belly is really hard to cut.

He was King of Weed Smoking in college: “I used to get this milk tea in college at the Asian market M2M when I was high,” he says, as if you’re supposed to know what milk tea is. “It was five bucks. Me and my buddies prided ourselves. We were like, ‘Nobody smokes this much pot. I guarantee you can ask anyone in this dorm, man… we smoke a lot.’ I didn’t do a single play when I was in college, because all I wanted to do was smoke pot. I did zero extracurricular activities so I could get high. I stopped when I started doing movies and went to L. A. because I was like, I can’t get a phone call and not answer it.”

He calls Joaquin Phoenix “Joaq: He has clearly spent a lot of time thinking about the careers of other actors. He goes into an animated rant about Leo and Bradley and Jake Gyllenhaal and Vince Vaughn, and how it’s almost impossible to win an Academy Award as a man under thirty, and Tom Hanks, and Ryan Gosling, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Jeff Bridges, Dustin Hoffman. “But if I’m really homing in on the dramatic performance right now, it’s probably Christian Bale or it’s Joaq.” “I just said Joaq. Joaquin Phoenix. I don’t know him, but my publicist has repped him since he was, like, seventeen. She repped River, too. So I just hear his name.”

Dude is a math nerd on the outside, but pure frat bro man child on the inside. In between rolling my eyes at the interviewer cutting his meat for him and him saying “Joaq,” I had three thoughts:

1. His girlfriend will have to try to date either Mike Tyson or Marlo Thomas after he dumps her for a younger model because he wants to live that Leonardo DiCatchAHo life.

2. He’s so smug. He’s such a douche. I still would.

3. I must get a highball glass from my kitchen and hold it up next to a picture of Miles Teller in a cock sock.

UPDATE: Miles Teller tweeted that Esquire did him wrong and he doesn’t think there’s anything entertaining about being a dick. I disagree. He came off like a dick and I was thoroughly entertained!

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