FYI: The Chainsmokers’ Dicks Measure A Combined 17.34 Inches Tip To Tip

September 15, 2016 / Posted by:

The Chainsmokers are an EDM duo and yes, in their case, EDM stands for Extremely Douchey Messes. They currently have the #1 song in the country “Closer” (featuring Halsey) and so Billboard (via Vulture) did a cover story on them. If you or someone you know happens to be suffering from cooch or b-hole odor, just rub your stinky parts all over The Chainsmokers’ Billboard interview and it’ll come out smelling like a fresh Summer’s Eve.

The Chainsmokers (I’m surprised they didn’t call themselves The Chainvapers) are made up of Alex Pall (on the left) and Drew Taggart, and together they have the modesty of Miles Teller and the humbleness of Kanye West. They brag about how they’ve always been hard-up horny all the time, how they’ve earned all the gold stars in boozing and how when their dick tips touch, it becomes a 17.34 inch long centipeen. They’re both like a charisma-less Chad Radwell from Scream Queens on Bod Man-scented roids. I think I’m in love.

The human forms of a Zac Efron movie were interviewed by Billboard in their party bus, and they bragged about how they’re partying every single night. If they had the time, they’d teach Good At Drinking 101 At Douchebag U.

“We rage every night. My mom’s going to hate reading that, but she already knows….. It’s always ‘work hard, play hard. But you’ll never see us getting carried out of a club. We’re way too good at drinking.”

They’ve had three songs go double-platinum this year and are now the Kings of the Hot Dance Songs chart. They’re humble about it.

“Only Justin Bieber and Drake can hold a candle to what we’ve done. Now we’re influencing the industry, putting out songs everyone copies…. I don’t know what to say to people who think it’s a con. We’re literally going for our third double-platinum record this year.”

Weezer refused to do a cameo in their set at Coachella, but eventually asked to collaborate, and Tweedle-Douche and Tweedle-Douchier love the thirstiness of it all.

“They were like, ‘Yo! We should do a track together,’ and I’m like, ‘Oh, really?’ I can’t blame somebody for saying no early on, but it depends on how you said no and how you came back to us. If you own it, like, ‘I didn’t see the vision, but it’s clear now and it’s super sick,’ I get that. It feels good when those people are like… Thirsty.”

They also laughed their asses off over how much better they are than LFMAO.

“It’s like if LMFAO just started making … ” says Pall, and Taggart finishes: “… the illest shit and stopped dressing like idiots.”

They’ve always had pussy sitting on their brains and the reason why they wanted fame and money was so that they could bone models.

“Even before success, pussy was number one. Like, ‘Why am I trying to make all this money?’ I wanted to hook up with hotter girls. I had to date a model… We’re just frat bro dudes, you know what I mean? Loving ladies and stuff.”

And finally, the dudes who will one day be played by Dane Cook and Dave Franco in a biopic for Spike explained why the line “17.34 combined inches… think about it..” is on their website.

“Oh, that’s our penises combined … tip to tip.”

That could mean anything! That could mean that both of their peens are over 8 inches. That could mean that one’s got an inverted peen and the other one’s got a mini-Hammaconda (around 18 inches). That could also mean that they’ve both got baby carrots and decided to round up and up and up and up and up and up some more to 17.34 inches.

Now every time I see The Chainsmokers, which will obviously be a lot since they’re going to outlast everyone in the game, I’m going to picture their dicks kissing as someone else measures. And I bet that while their dicks were kissing one of them said, “Brooooo, your cock just barfed into my cock’s mouth.


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