Just a couple of days ago, the tabloids were saying that Prince Hot Ginge and bi-racial divorced Yankee actress (THE QUEEN passed out on a Corgi again) Meghan Markle have been seeing each other and it’s too soon to know if one day in the future she’ll be waving to her subjects in her new full-time job as a professional royal hand waiver. But today, (cut to me doing sarcastic quote fingers) a friend is telling People that things have been pretty serious for around two months. Things are so serious that an engagement is a “possibility.” Uh huh, it’s also a possibility that the Blue Fairy will magically appear before me and Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo one of my hemorrhoids into a ginger prince who will propose to me.

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It’s probably a good thing that Adele isn’t Drunk Adele anymore, because I’ve got a scar that can tell you being drunk and getting on a swing is not exactly something you should do. Adele is fine on that swing though, because she’s put her drunk days behind her ever since she got pregnant with her son around four years ago. According to Adele, she wrote her best songs during those childless drunk days.

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After Justin Theroux’s wife Jennifer Aniston was dropped into the Brangelina drama, he said that it’s surprising how everyone focuses on trash gossip when there are more important things to focus on. But over the weekend, some thought that Justin was joining all of us garbage whores in the dumpster when he posted a picture on Instagram of graffiti art in Berlin done by artist Nick Flatt. As everyone noticed, between “fuck politics” and “fuck condoms” are the words “fuck Brad Pitt.” Some of us who love to reach hard for drama, thought that either Justin Theroux was burning Brad Pitt, or he was telling us that he really wants to forget the condoms and bareback fuck Brad Pitt.

UsWeekly says that Justin’s original caption for that pic was: “#currentelectionmood #berlin #graffiti #fuckingnickflatt.” But when everyone thought he was hating on his wife’s cheating slut of an ex-husband, he changed the caption and became Snooki’s #1 enemy while doing so:

#currentelectionmood
#berlin
#graffiti
#fuckingnickflatt
#andNOthispostisNOT’shading’anyonebecauseimnotelevemyearsoldimeanseriously
#okaymaybepickles

Bitch may not shade like he’s “elevem” years old. But he hashtags like he’s eleven years old. And I wonder why Justin shat on pickles out of all the things in that pic to shit on. Could it be because Jennifer Aniston is knocked up and is craving pickles all the time and the constant smell of them has grossed him out? That’s it. Next week on Star Magazine: Pickles Tore Them Apart! Justin Theroux Abandons A Pregnant Jennifer Aniston!

Pic: Instagram

Bryan Cranston has recently added his name to the long list of famous Americans who claim they will pack up their stuff and migrate north to Canada if armpit cyst Donald Trump becomes President of the United States next week.

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Halloween isn’t only the one day of the year when I get in my car and drive through the neighborhood, looking to find a lazy person who just left a bowl of candies out for the kids, so that I can steal it and run off. It’s also the one day of the year when hundreds of sites declare that Heidi Klum Has Won Halloween Yet Again! Heidi Klum won last year when she did herself up like a Julie Masking version of Jessica Rabbit. Heidi won in 2014 when she did herself up as The Fly if The Fly was directed by Lisa Frank. And she won in 2013 when she did herself up as an Upper East Side abuelita. So last night, every blogger probably had their “Heidi Klum Got Another Gold Medal In Halloween-ing!” headlines ready to go, because Heidi Klum never really disappoints. But some were left confused and scared about the future of everything when she showed up to her annual Halloween party in NYC as herself. Heidi Klum came as Heidi Klum in one of Jennifer Lopez’s ugliest leotards, and was surrounded by a bunch of Klum klones. This is the part where we all wake up our inner Tyra Banks and scream at Heidi: “Do you know that all of America was rooting for you and then you come in here treating this like it’s a joke?! I was rooting for you! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! How dare you!”

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I wasn’t sure if Taylor Swift was going to celebrate Halloween this year. Since she spent her entire summer dressed up as an American Girlfriend doll and was no doubt all costumed out. But because there’s no holiday that will get you more attention than Halloween, both good and bad, Taylor put on a Deadpool costume borrowed from Blake Lively’s husband. Ryan Reynolds, meanwhile, probably went as someone who was once again embarrassed to be friends-by-association with Taylor Swift.

Taylor must have thrown her little Halloween party together at the last minute, because it appears the only squad members who were available to attend were a handful of the less-popular models. Joining high-ranking squad member model Gigi Hadid (as a boy scout) in the mandatory awkward costumed posing were Martha Hunt (as “Martha Brady“), Lily Donaldson (as a space hoochie), Kennedy Rayé (as a cat), Emmie Gundler (as chick in a mask and a unitard). And Fifth Harmony’s Camila Cabello. Camila dressed as a crazy old cat lady who accidentally sat on Taylor’s precious cat Meredith. And thus concludes Camila’s invitations to any and all of Taylor Swift’s squad get-togethers.

Here’s more of Taylor and her friends (but where is grocery clerk with half an eyelid?) during their Halloween-themed photoshoot…I mean “party.” Also included are some pics of Gigi Hadid walking to Taylor’s house in her boy scout costume. I wonder how many times she got asked by some gross dude on the street to help them “pitch a tent“?

Pics: Taylor Swift, Splash