Open Post: Hosted By The Penis Snakes Taking Over Florida

Florida already hosts plenty of dicks in the form of idiots doing stupid shit over there, not to mention the ever-renewing supply of menacing animals trying to kill everyone when they’re not being stashed in the pants of some of said idiots, so they don’t really need more dumbassery going on with the animal kingdom. That said, it’s not like anyone ever gets a choice in the matter, so strap in, y’all.

And speaking of straps, today’s critters of note will probably find themselves chased by horny Floridians attempting to attach extremely sturdy leather ones to them for scientific research purposes that begin with lewd insertions and likely end with ER visits. According to Creative Loafing Tampa, the creatures in question are neither snakes nor penises, but let’s not let technicalities get in the way of the slippery, dusky-violet dildos of everyone’s dreams.

via Creative Loafing Tampa:

They aren’t technically snakes or penises, but scientists have now confirmed that Florida is currently home to the invasive “penis snakes.”

According to a report for the Florida Museum of Natural History, recent DNA testing confirms that legless amphibians captured in Miami’s Tamiami Canal two years ago are, in fact caecilians, otherwise known as “penis snakes.”

The specimens are the first known example of the species found in the U.S.

Native to Colombia and Venezuela, the eel-like animals are technically called “typhlonectes natans,” and are a type of caecilians, which can range in size from a few inches to 5 feet long, depending on the species.

Caecilians have poor eyesight (a fact for which they will be deeply grateful once in the grubby hands and other flesh enclosures of desperate humans after the sex shop closes), and use a set of sensory tentacles to assist them in finding food. Uh oh. Boasting friction-generating feelers is not going to help their cause here at all, but they still have the poor-eyesight thing to fall back on, so there’s that. CLT again:

“Very little is known about these animals in the wild, but there’s nothing particularly dangerous about them, and they don’t appear to be serious predators,” said Coleman Sheehy, Florida Museum’s Herpetology Collection manager. “They’ll probably eat small animals and get eaten by larger ones. This could be just another non-native species in the South Florida mix.”

Experts aren’t exactly sure how they were introduced in Florida, but the Florida Museum of Natural History says typhlonectes natans are often bred in captivity, and are the most common caecilian in the pet trade, so there’s a strong chance they were released as discarded pets.

“This was not on my radar,” Sheehy added. “I didn’t think we’d one day find a caecilian in Florida. So, this was a huge surprise.”

Here’s a bit more about the penis snakes who are not really penis snakes:

It’s a little alarming to read that there’s a good chance they’re now appearing because some former owners had kept them as pets and then coldly tossed them aside, letting them fend for themselves in the wild. It’s not only cruel, but the thousands of people ordering straps from leather retailers right now need to know that their nefarious plans for these unfortunately shaped beasts now include the risk of STDs along with everything else! Be careful, everyone.

Pic:   YouTube/Fun Mafia