Open Post: Hosted By Mariah Carey’s Closet Of Magic

August 31, 2017 / Posted by:

Fact: the greatest piece of television history is Mariah Carey’s episode of Cribs (mostly for the literal cat fight with her poor pussy who spends most of the episode swapping “Can you believe this bish has us working overtime?” glares with most of Mimi’s staff). It’s been too long since we’ve seen inside Mimi’s palace. Luckily, the team at Vogue recently got a tour inside her closet.

Most gays would give up RuPaul’s Drag Race just to have grown up in a closet like Mariah’s. It starts with Mariah declaring, “I’m not as casual as most people, but I guess I could be?” No Mariah, never! Keep clutching that monogrammed champagne flute. She notes how she arranges her dresses – a mix of Ice Capades and Delta Sky Club attendant frocks – around her closet because…wait for it… “they’re there.”

She then looks up to a pink Birkin and says this:

“This pink one is a gift from Floyd Mayweather, and he told me, every time somebody asks to make sure they know it’s a gift from Floyd. So it’s from the champ.”

Champ of fugly taste in purses! She then points to a much nicer black one and notes: “And this is from me to me.” Don’t need no man! Except for, you know, the nights she has custody of Bryan Tanaka.

The rest of the time, she reveals she basically scoured the Marilyn Monroe estate sale like a vulture, because she has Marilyn’s old piano and even has the compact Marilyn used to hold an acceptance speech for the Golden Globes. Mariah says she prefers to wear lingerie to walk around the house. Somehow, I am all but certain that means hopping up on Marilyn’s old piano with that bottle of Veuve and singing “Diamonds Are A Girls Best Friend” to any minion, animal, or Tanaka in whistle register distance.

The only unfabulous part of Mariah’s closet tour was when she ruined the fantasy by showing what her favorite shoes were:


Yep, the next time you pick up the kids from swim practice, know they’re bounding out of the community center rocking whatever bacteria resides in the pool AND the Elusive Chanteuse’s favorite footwear!


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