Simone Biles is one of the most decorated American Olympians of all time, is arguably the greatest gymnast of all time, and is on the cover of not one, but three cereal boxes (Wheaties, Special K, and Corn Flakes). But 25-year-old Simone recently revealed that not everyone is familiar with who she is, or even how old she is, when she put a flight attendant on blast for operating under the assumption that she’s young enough to need in-flight activities like a low-attention child.
LMAO at this one. 50-year-old billionaire, Elon Musk, is Time Magazine‘s Person of the Year. The guy who thought COVID-19 would be gone last April, and that you could rescue a children’s soccer team from an underwater cave with a single-seated submarine, and plays video games more than he talks to his girlfriends, is the Person of the Year. But as we’ve been reminded before, Time’s Person of the Year is not Time’s BEST Person of the Year. I mean, Jeff Bezos and Trump have been Person of the Year before.
Everyone with a functional sense of awe and appreciation for the heights an impeccably trained and talented human body can reach will feel at least a little selfishly deflated by the news that Simone Biles has withdrawn from Monday’s individual floor exercise final at the 2020 Tokyo Games, after having previously pulled out of both team events and the individual all-around. But there’s also a sense of relief that she is continuing to look out for her mental and physical health by not taking life-threatening risks, unless, of course, you’re the paragon of compassion that is Piers Morgan, who barfed up a stream of breathtaking wisdom wrapped in humanity, doused in heart and unicorn emojis, and tied in a candy-pink ribbon blessed by fasting monks on the waxing moon. Saturday Night Live’s Michael Che, who was also planning to take a swipe at Simone, later joked that his account had been hacked. Watching Simone slice, twist, and leap through the air while appearing to defy the laws of physics in this event is always a completely absorbing, jaw-dropping pleasure, but now I guess I’ll have to mine more athleticism from my own days by getting up off the couch to grab the remote five feet away instead of coaxing the dog to fetch it. Don’t judge! According to ESPN, there is still one more event, the balance beam final on Tuesday, and her participation has not yet been decided.
This week, we saw gymnast GOAT Simone Biles withdraw from both her scheduled team events and individual all-around events at the 2020 Tokyo Summer Olympics, as a personal choice to put her mental health and overall well-being first. Lots of people applauded her for trusting her gut instincts and choosing to back out. “I wonder if any assholes who can’t touch their damn toes will also have something to say about this” wasn’t a question anyone had to ask themselves because of course, they came out in record numbers to throw hate at Simone Biles’ decision. One person who seemed to really want to talk about Simone Biles was Saturday Night Live’s Michael Che. He even went so far as to suggest he’d be talking about Simone Biles in an upcoming stand-up set, which was followed by sharing a few jokes on his Instagram Stories. And after he got shit for it, Michael joked that he was hacked.
OK, Tokyo 2020 Olympics, you have our attention. Team USA’s Sunisa Lee won the gold medal in the individual all-around gymnastics final this morning! Suni, who is the first Hmong American to ever compete in the Olympics, became the fifth consecutive American woman to do so. And in the process, shut down a bunch of haters who were fussing about Simone Biles ruining things for everyone. Simone faced critical backlash when she decided to withdraw from competition for her mental well-being after experiencing “the twisties” during the team competition. So suck it America! But also, yay America!
More bad news for people who love to gasp in awe as Simone Biles does her thing 20 feet in the air while spinning at 20 miles per hour. After announcing she’d be withdrawing from team events, Simone Biles has just announced that she’s decided to put her mental health first, and withdraw from the individual all-around competition as well.