The next time you’re driving along and spot a poor dead raccoon on the side of the road, you can no longer assume that Sea Org minions from Scientology will soon be by to scoop the creature up and give it a new home on top of John Travolta’s head. Because John Travolta made a devastating announcement that knocked the lace front right off of my dome. John says that he’s embracing his new bald head, which means he’s done with lace fronts for now, which means two sad things are happening: 1. His skinned-dog wigs are now all lonely in his wig closet. 2. The Thetans on top of his head are screaming for a parka because they’re cold as wet shit.
Well, well, well – here’s one big award Lady Gaga won’t be taking home this year (besides the Oscar). The Razzie nominations are here, and there’s nary a nod to A Star Is Born, Green Book, or Bohemian Rhapsody, all movies more worthy of scorn (according TO ME) than any of the 5 that a got a Worst Movie nomination. And the acting category is a real mind-bender with Donald and Melania Trump each being nominated for playing themselves in Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 11/9. Trump was even nominated a second time in Dinesh D’Souza’s Death of A Nation, also for playing himself. I mean, sure. But what are we really doing here?
In “What the actual fuck?” News: Page Six is reporting that a fan mistook legendary actor Samuel L. Jackson for semi-legendary drag queen, John Travolta. How could they mistake two men completely different in talents and also, you know, ethnicity? That should be obvious: booze.
Things are going to be a little awkward at happy hour tonight at the Church of Scientology because of all the snickering and giggles emanating up from the he-man-woman-hater basement steam room. We all know John Travolta, Kelly Preston, and Kirstie Alley spend their time swapping wig and hair tips, errr, reading L. Ron Hubbard books and scribbling “Leah Remini is a fug be-yotch” in their trapper keepers. Well, Kirstie spent the better part of the 80s apparently also writing “Mrs. Kirstie Travolta” in hers. Kirstie has long talked about her crotch Thetans getting hot over John Travolta and now she’s saying the “hardest decision” she ever made was not sleeping with John. The Celebrity Centre Bath House is steaming with LAUGHS today.
Kirstie Alley cleared the phlegm out of her throat long enough to regale her Celebrity Big Brother UK housemates with tales of her deep and abiding love for fellow #thot4thetan John Travolta. This is not the first time Kirstie has proclaimed that John was the love of her life, she was singing the same song back in 2012. Alas, it seems they were always destined to just be two Galactic Confederacy spaceships passing in the night.
If you ever watched all three seasons of Growing Up Gotti on A&E, you’ll remember Victoria Gotti pretending to be some kind of Miranda Priestly of Star Magazine while her three sons tried to be singers or princes of Long Island or whatever. It was canceled after the third season, but after last weekend’s box office results, it’s clear people would way rather see Victoria’s staged reality show than watch Kelly Preston and John Travolta sully the good Gotti name with their hairpieces, faux gaudy jewelry, and sneers! And it flopped without any help from Lindsay Lohan. Continue reading