Side note: “Fancy crack den” is also one of the code words those gossips in the Scientology Centre bathhouse use for his b-hole.
Forget The National Enquirer’s exposé on Ted Cruz being a mega cheating slut who allegedly dipped his peen in at least 5 side pieces (I bet his O face looks like a Grandpa Munster claymation figurine trying to sneeze and cough at the same time)! The biggest and most escandaloso story of the day is how (WARNING: Super Glue your chair to the floor and hold on extra tight or you may knock over from the shock of it all) John Travolta will only let you massage his body if you’ve got a real dick attached to your crotch. I’ll wait here as you call a handyman from Angie’s List to fix your floor, because I’m sure that brand new shocking information caused you to rip your chair outta that bitch.
The premiere of American Crime Story: The People vs. O.J. Simpson happened in Los Angeles yesterday, and you’d think that the night belonged to the guinea pig in distress on top of John Travolta’s head, but it didn’t. John Travolta is usually the belle of every ball, but bitch lost in the game of beauty last night as soon as Joey Lawrence strolled onto the red carpet looking like he’s been plucked to the stars and back. I bet as soon as Joey’s Chia Pet Mr. Clean-looking ass hit that red carpet, John Travolta pulled off his own wig, said, “For fuck’s sake,” and immediately went home to drown his sorrows on a massage therapist’s crotch.
One of my favorite adonises probably had every ho at last night’s premiere checking their eyebrow situation in a compact. They shouldn’t have even bothered, because when it comes to the sport of eyebrow pruning, Joey Lawrence is the Oksana Baiul and everyone else is Nancy Kerrigan throwing hate at him on the sidelines. Not only do Joey’s impeccable brows look like the pubic landing strips of the angels in heaven, but that spray on hair is a work of art.
No, Joey wasn’t at the American Crime Story premiere because he plays Kato Kaelin in it (I wish). Joey was there because he has a much more important role in the show. During a scene where O.J. is crying in Kim Kartrashian’s bedroom, a poster of Joey Lawrence is on one of the walls. I know, who cares about Travolta, Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Sarah Paulson. Joey Lawrence should get top billing!
There’s a reason why John Travolta has earned a reputation as the hardest working scalp in show business. There’s no hairpiece too old, too thin, too tired, or too busted that he couldn’t slap it on his head and work like the rent was due weeks ago. Case in point: whatever was on his head at the 13th Annual Living Legends of Aviation Awards last night.
Up close it’s not that bad, but when you pull back a bit, it’s pretty square. It’s like a Magic Eye picture, but the hidden image is a man modeling a toupee that just came out of the package and hasn’t been fluffed yet. I’m not sure why John Travolta’s stylist went with that particular model, but they really should have given it some volume on top before they let him leave the Scientology basement beauty salon. Did his Bumpit™ fall out in the limo on the ride over? Or maybe he did just pull it from the package, and he’s trying not to break it in too much because he’s planning on returning it tomorrow? Oh John, you sneaky devil, you.
FX’s promo schedule for Ryan Murphy’s latest camp extravaganza American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson has felt as long as that white Bronco chase on the freeway. For weeks, they’ve released teaser trailers and promo pictures, and today they finally put out the official trailer and it looks like it’s going to be a beautiful disaster. It’s pretty much looks like O.J. Simpson: The Telenovela.
The trailer has John Travolta looking like a barbecued Raisinet as Robert Shapiro, Cheryl Ladd delivering a world-class eyebrow situation as Robert Shapiro’s wife, Sarah Paulson doing her signature Sarah Paulson cry with two brown mops on her head, Cuba Gooding Jr. sounding like he needs four bags of throat lozenges, Selma Blair gossiping at Nicole Brown’s funeral as Pimp Mama Kris and David Schwimmer bawling in a car as Robert Kardashian. (He’s probably bawling in the car because he realizes he’s defending a demon and is married to a demon too). And there’s also Connie Britton as the morally corrupt Faye Resnick:
That’s pretty much just Connie Britton wearing a lipstick color that only existed in the 90s, but I’ll take it.
And I wonder who is playing the pivotal role of the jury forewoman who fucked up Orenthal James Simpson’s name while reading the verdict? Every time I see the name “O.J. Simpson,” I always read it as, “Orenjal James Simpson.“
Ryan Murphy’s latest show American Crime Story: The People vs. O.J. Simpson isn’t hitting TV screens until February 2016, but FX has been airing ads for it during American Horror Story: Hotel, because they figure that the audience is already in the mood for goriness and terrifying ghouls. And during last night’s episode of AHS: Hotel (which belonged to Angela Bassett and Angela Bassett only), we got to see John Travolta’s face move (sort of) as Robert Shapiro. I’ve already seen pictures of John Travolta in full Shapiro drag, but last night was the first time I saw him speak. It’s safe to say that this show is going to be the most horrifying thing that Ryan Murphy has ever created and that’s saying a lot since Goopy Paltrow once sang “Do You Wanna Touch Me?” on Glee.
In this teaser, Robert Shapiro begins to ask O.J. (played by Cuba Gooding Jr.) a question (the question probably being, “You did it, right?”). Travolta looks like an animatronic wax figure trying to move as it slowly melts in a hot room. I really expected one of the baby weasels above his eyes to fall off and scurry out of the room.
I can’t wait for this. And if you don’t have a Halloween costume yet, you have one now. All you need is a suit, a whole lot of Silly Putty (for your face), a de-stuffed beaver stuffed toy (for your wig), glue and a handful of pubes (for your eyebrows). If people throw a look of confusion back at you when you tell them you’re Travolta as Shapiro, just shrug and tell them that you’re Ray Liotta after getting attacked by a mob of zombies.
Scientologists don’t believe in Heaven or Hell, but I bet John Travolta secretly hopes that if L. Ron Hubbard is wrong about that and the afterworld does exist, his Heaven will look a lot like that picture above.
John Travolta hung out with Barbra Streisand and Lady CaCa at Babs’ house this past weekend and if you threw in a naked Puerto Rican massage therapist and the world’s best wig maker into that little party, you’d have John Travolta’s complete list of 4 living people he wants to have dinner with. Ryan Murphy, James Brolin and Kelly Preston were also at the dinner, but I doubt John Travolta noticed them, because he was too busy busting into a full-body orgasm while singing the “Donna Summer part” in “Enough is Enough” with Babs. Babs Instagrammed the picture above with this little caption:
A wonderful evening at home. (L-R). Ryan Murphy. @ladygaga. John Travolta. @barbrastreisand. Kelly Preston. Jim Brolin.
John Travolta obviously used the OT powers he learned from Scientology to control himself while that picture was being taken, because I’m sure his butt thetans were quivering from being that close to his idol! Barbra must also get Botox injections in her back. That’s the only explanation I have for her not feeling John Travolta’s boner of excitement poking at her.
CaCa also Instagrammed a picture from her dinner with Babs:
I’m sure that 2 seconds after that picture was taken, John Travolta grabbed Lady CaCa’s wig, pulled her out of that scene and took her place. As he should!
And here’s CaCa shooting American Horror Story: Hotel in L.A. last week.
Pics: Instagram, Splash
Tom Cruise gets all the credit for being the reigning Empress of Scientology and I know he’s allegedly David Miscavige’s sugar daddy, but that trick really has nothing on John Travolta. If there is such thing as the Empress of Scientology pageant, then this year’s crown (which probably looks like this) needs to sit on top of John Travolta’s luxurious beaver tail wig. Because while Tommy Girl is keeping his mouth lips shut about Going Clear, the wigged one has put on his fightin’ wig and is defending Scientology like he has to or they’ll expose his secrets. Oh, wait…
John has already said that if Going Clear came on the TV at Planet Fitness at 3am, he’d close his eyes, plug his ears and sing, “Lalalalala I’m not listening lalalalala.” John is not going to watch that fairy tale Going Clear and during an interview with Good Morning America to promote his new movie The Forger, he continued to let it be known that Scientology is better than two-steppin’ with Olivia Newton-John. As GMA’s Amy Robach asked questions about Going Clear, David Miscavige probably telepathically sent John images of him holding an unlit match and a gas holder in John’s wig room. So John stayed on script.
On why there’s so much interest in Scientology: Mostly because it’s not understood. People really need to take the time to read a book. You know, that’s my advice. Uh, you can read New Slant on Life. You can read Dianetics. I think if you really read it, you’ll understand it. But unless you do, you’ll speculate. I think that’s a mistake to do that.
On why Scientology has so many hating haters: Sometimes when something really works well, it becomes a target. 40 years for me, I’ve been part of it. I’ve loved every minute of it. And my family has done so well with it. It’s a beautiful thing for me. I’ve saved lives with it. I’ve saved my own life several times. Through my loss of my son, it helped me every step of the way for 2 years solid. Here I am, talking to you because of it.
If by “really works well,” he means really works well at pushing him so far into the closet that he’s part of the drywall, then he’s totally right. But really, he’s also right about gaining an understanding of Scientology if you read Dianetics. I haven’t read the whole thing, but I read a couple of chapters at Barnes & Noble once and it helped me understand how batshit crazy that shit is. It’s like a sci-fi world salad. But I see John Travolta trying to recruit new members by telling people to read Diarrhetic (typo and it stays). I’m surprised he also didn’t say, “And when you order Dianetics from the Scientology online store, make sure you enter the code ‘LRONSHOMEGIRL’ so I get credit.”
I know, I really missed an opportunity to Photoshop two massage therapist peens into his paws. Next time.
In the HBO Scientology documentary Going Clear, a chunk of time was spent with Spanky Taylor, the former brainwashed disciple of the Church of L. Ro who was John Travolta’s “handler” and escaped after the head bridge queens punished her by separating her from her baby daughter and by forcing her to do 30 hours of labor at a time. Spanky claims that John knew she was being abused, but stood by with a plastic smile on his face and a plastic wig on his head and did nothing about it. Going Clear also claimed that John Travolta is trapped in a prison of his own secrets. Scientology has a file of “dirt” on their sweetheart, which they gathered during his auditing sessions. If he even thinks about packing up his wigs and leaving that cult of crazy bitches, they will expose his most ESCANDALOSO secrets. I’m not sure what these life-ruining secrets are, because if they told us that he wears fake hair and gets the tingles for warm dick, none of us would even bother letting out a, “meh.” The only things to side-eye him for are for being a Scientologist and for wearing jewelry from an International Male catalog circa 1996.
ScarJo is spitting at the media for taking a sweet moment at the Oscars and turning it into some creepified shit straight from the mind of Rod Serling. On Oscar night, John Travolta’s hands were hungry for some lady and when he wasn’t grabbing and kissing on ScarJo, he was giving Idina Menzel a palm facial. Travolta’s rep already said that the weird face massage was “rehearsed,” and now ScarJo is coming to his defense nearly a week later. I know, I shouldn’t give ScarJo shit for waiting almost 5 days to say something. She was probably busy rinsing her head out with an Ajax and bleach solution to rid herself of the memory of John Travolta groping her like she was a giant E-meter can.
ScarJo fave this statement to the Associated Press:
“There is nothing strange, creepy or inappropriate about John Travolta. The image that is circulating is an unfortunate still-frame from a live-action encounter that was very sweet and totally welcome. That still photo does not reflect what preceded and followed if you see the moment live. Yet another way we are misguided, misinformed and sensationalized by the 24-hour news cycle. I haven’t seen John in some years and it is always a pleasure to be greeted by him.”
If I could box up a “gurl, please” provided by Aunt Bunny and send it to ScarJo, I would. ScarJo has let Sean Penn run his barbecued Chick-O-Stick dick up in her several times, she’s been out in public with Sean Penn and to remind you again, she let Sean Penn run his barbecued Chick-O-Stick dick up in her several times. Her judgement of character can’t be trusted. If she says someone isn’t strange, creepy or inappropriate, they probably are strange, creepy and inappropriate.
But ScarJo does have a point. Her close encounter with the wigged kind isn’t as creepy in the video:
See, not as creepy. John Travolta just runs up to ScarJo, presses his lips against her face and tries to suck out her soul through her pores. When he realizes that she’s empty inside, he moves onto his next victim. Not creepy at all! Just a regular old Hollywood greeting.
And here’s ScarJo with her baby and husband, who looks like an extra from Valley Girl, in L.A. yesterday:
Pics: FameFlynet, Getty
John Travolta was the breakout star of last year’s Oscars when he gave us the gift of “Adele Dazeem” and last night he made it perfectly clear that he cannot be topped (yes, I see what I did there) as the #1 creator of Oscar night fuckery. John’s crown is firmly sewed into his Shih-Tzu wig and cannot be snatched. John gave the Internet several gifts last night and it started early when he delicately planted a creepy kiss on ScarJo’s face while on the red carpet as she threw him a “Bitch, you better not be putting MAC Lip Glass stains on my face” look. That picture looks like a still from one of the creepiest Twilight Zone episodes of all-time. John Travolta looks like a mad scientist who is marveling at the perfect and gorgeous robot beard he just built. That kiss is very “my precious, my precious.” That picture could even bring a chill to Vincent Price’s spine.
And John kept the hits coming by throwing this look at Benedict Cumberbatch during the show:
Some people on Twitter said that John needed to be hooked up to an IV drip full of Gatorade since he looked thirsty as all hell, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening in this picture. I think that John has got B. Cums’ number. The Alien Lizard King is probably from one of Scientology’s rival planets and John Travolta is keeping an eye on his shifty nemesis.
John not only entertained us on the red carpet and in the audience, he also brought the WTFness to the stage. John and Idina Menzel reunited to present Best Original Song. Idina made fun of John screwing up her name by calling him Glom Gazingo, which strangely enough is his alien drag queen name. While presenting with Idina, John did this:
On one hand, it’s not that weird since that’s how Scientologists greet non-Scientologists. He’s touching her face to make sure she’s not really an undercover alien from a rival planet wearing a human mask (see: B. Cums). But on the other hand, John, of all hos, should know that it’s never okay to screw with someone’s makeup like that. If Idina smeared his blush and foundation game the way he did hers, he’d run off the stage screaming, “Touch up! Touch up! I need a touch a up!”
And finally, John was a guest on Jimmy Kimmel Live! after the show and told Jimmy that we all owe last year’s “Adele Dazeem” screw-up to Goldie Hawn. John said that he ran into Goldie Hawn right before he went out on stage and her sexiness and charisma threw him off. Oh, Glom Gazingo, never stop, never stop. And where’s the petition to get John to host and present every award at next year’s Oscars?