Tom Cruise gets all the credit for being the reigning Empress of Scientology and I know he’s allegedly David Miscavige’s sugar daddy, but that trick really has nothing on John Travolta. If there is such thing as the Empress of Scientology pageant, then this year’s crown (which probably looks like this) needs to sit on top of John Travolta’s luxurious beaver tail wig. Because while Tommy Girl is keeping his mouth lips shut about Going Clear, the wigged one has put on his fightin’ wig and is defending Scientology like he has to or they’ll expose his secrets. Oh, wait…
John has already said that if Going Clear came on the TV at Planet Fitness at 3am, he’d close his eyes, plug his ears and sing, “Lalalalala I’m not listening lalalalala.” John is not going to watch that fairy tale Going Clear and during an interview with Good Morning America to promote his new movie The Forger, he continued to let it be known that Scientology is better than two-steppin’ with Olivia Newton-John. As GMA’s Amy Robach asked questions about Going Clear, David Miscavige probably telepathically sent John images of him holding an unlit match and a gas holder in John’s wig room. So John stayed on script.
On why there’s so much interest in Scientology: Mostly because it’s not understood. People really need to take the time to read a book. You know, that’s my advice. Uh, you can read New Slant on Life. You can read Dianetics. I think if you really read it, you’ll understand it. But unless you do, you’ll speculate. I think that’s a mistake to do that.
On why Scientology has so many hating haters: Sometimes when something really works well, it becomes a target. 40 years for me, I’ve been part of it. I’ve loved every minute of it. And my family has done so well with it. It’s a beautiful thing for me. I’ve saved lives with it. I’ve saved my own life several times. Through my loss of my son, it helped me every step of the way for 2 years solid. Here I am, talking to you because of it.
If by “really works well,” he means really works well at pushing him so far into the closet that he’s part of the drywall, then he’s totally right. But really, he’s also right about gaining an understanding of Scientology if you read Dianetics. I haven’t read the whole thing, but I read a couple of chapters at Barnes & Noble once and it helped me understand how batshit crazy that shit is. It’s like a sci-fi world salad. But I see John Travolta trying to recruit new members by telling people to read Diarrhetic (typo and it stays). I’m surprised he also didn’t say, “And when you order Dianetics from the Scientology online store, make sure you enter the code ‘LRONSHOMEGIRL’ so I get credit.”
I know, I really missed an opportunity to Photoshop two massage therapist peens into his paws. Next time.
In the HBO Scientology documentary Going Clear, a chunk of time was spent with Spanky Taylor, the former brainwashed disciple of the Church of L. Ro who was John Travolta’s “handler” and escaped after the head bridge queens punished her by separating her from her baby daughter and by forcing her to do 30 hours of labor at a time. Spanky claims that John knew she was being abused, but stood by with a plastic smile on his face and a plastic wig on his head and did nothing about it. Going Clear also claimed that John Travolta is trapped in a prison of his own secrets. Scientology has a file of “dirt” on their sweetheart, which they gathered during his auditing sessions. If he even thinks about packing up his wigs and leaving that cult of crazy bitches, they will expose his most ESCANDALOSO secrets. I’m not sure what these life-ruining secrets are, because if they told us that he wears fake hair and gets the tingles for warm dick, none of us would even bother letting out a, “meh.” The only things to side-eye him for are for being a Scientologist and for wearing jewelry from an International Male catalog circa 1996.
ScarJo is spitting at the media for taking a sweet moment at the Oscars and turning it into some creepified shit straight from the mind of Rod Serling. On Oscar night, John Travolta’s hands were hungry for some lady and when he wasn’t grabbing and kissing on ScarJo, he was giving Idina Menzel a palm facial. Travolta’s rep already said that the weird face massage was “rehearsed,” and now ScarJo is coming to his defense nearly a week later. I know, I shouldn’t give ScarJo shit for waiting almost 5 days to say something. She was probably busy rinsing her head out with an Ajax and bleach solution to rid herself of the memory of John Travolta groping her like she was a giant E-meter can.
ScarJo fave this statement to the Associated Press:
“There is nothing strange, creepy or inappropriate about John Travolta. The image that is circulating is an unfortunate still-frame from a live-action encounter that was very sweet and totally welcome. That still photo does not reflect what preceded and followed if you see the moment live. Yet another way we are misguided, misinformed and sensationalized by the 24-hour news cycle. I haven’t seen John in some years and it is always a pleasure to be greeted by him.”
If I could box up a “gurl, please” provided by Aunt Bunny and send it to ScarJo, I would. ScarJo has let Sean Penn run his barbecued Chick-O-Stick dick up in her several times, she’s been out in public with Sean Penn and to remind you again, she let Sean Penn run his barbecued Chick-O-Stick dick up in her several times. Her judgement of character can’t be trusted. If she says someone isn’t strange, creepy or inappropriate, they probably are strange, creepy and inappropriate.
But ScarJo does have a point. Her close encounter with the wigged kind isn’t as creepy in the video:
See, not as creepy. John Travolta just runs up to ScarJo, presses his lips against her face and tries to suck out her soul through her pores. When he realizes that she’s empty inside, he moves onto his next victim. Not creepy at all! Just a regular old Hollywood greeting.
And here’s ScarJo with her baby and husband, who looks like an extra from Valley Girl, in L.A. yesterday:
Pics: FameFlynet, Getty
John Travolta was the breakout star of last year’s Oscars when he gave us the gift of “Adele Dazeem” and last night he made it perfectly clear that he cannot be topped (yes, I see what I did there) as the #1 creator of Oscar night fuckery. John’s crown is firmly sewed into his Shih-Tzu wig and cannot be snatched. John gave the Internet several gifts last night and it started early when he delicately planted a creepy kiss on ScarJo’s face while on the red carpet as she threw him a “Bitch, you better not be putting MAC Lip Glass stains on my face” look. That picture looks like a still from one of the creepiest Twilight Zone episodes of all-time. John Travolta looks like a mad scientist who is marveling at the perfect and gorgeous robot beard he just built. That kiss is very “my precious, my precious.” That picture could even bring a chill to Vincent Price’s spine.
And John kept the hits coming by throwing this look at Benedict Cumberbatch during the show:
Some people on Twitter said that John needed to be hooked up to an IV drip full of Gatorade since he looked thirsty as all hell, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening in this picture. I think that John has got B. Cums’ number. The Alien Lizard King is probably from one of Scientology’s rival planets and John Travolta is keeping an eye on his shifty nemesis.
John not only entertained us on the red carpet and in the audience, he also brought the WTFness to the stage. John and Idina Menzel reunited to present Best Original Song. Idina made fun of John screwing up her name by calling him Glom Gazingo, which strangely enough is his alien drag queen name. While presenting with Idina, John did this:
On one hand, it’s not that weird since that’s how Scientologists greet non-Scientologists. He’s touching her face to make sure she’s not really an undercover alien from a rival planet wearing a human mask (see: B. Cums). But on the other hand, John, of all hos, should know that it’s never okay to screw with someone’s makeup like that. If Idina smeared his blush and foundation game the way he did hers, he’d run off the stage screaming, “Touch up! Touch up! I need a touch a up!”
And finally, John was a guest on Jimmy Kimmel Live! after the show and told Jimmy that we all owe last year’s “Adele Dazeem” screw-up to Goldie Hawn. John said that he ran into Goldie Hawn right before he went out on stage and her sexiness and charisma threw him off. Oh, Glom Gazingo, never stop, never stop. And where’s the petition to get John to host and present every award at next year’s Oscars?
Here I was thinking that John Travolta had a specially made, well-ventilated workout wig made for when he pumps it up at the gym, but nope. Scientology’s sweetheart goes completely natural and leaves his hair hanging on the rearview mirror in his car.
A Redditor writes that he was working out at the gym at around 3 in the morning when suddenly the ceiling opened up and one of the stars in the sky fell into the gym and after it exploded, John Travolta stepped out from the cloud of smoke. No, that last part didn’t happen, but the dude did write that he thought he was all alone in the gym at 3 in the morning when John Travolta came up to him and introduced himself. When John Travolta introduces himself to you at 3 in the morning in an empty gym, you probably think that he’s going to ask you if you take Xenu as your lord and savior or ask you if you’ve got any massage oil in your bag. Or both.
John Travolta getting friendly with the only other dude in the gym at 3 in the morning isn’t shocking, but letting the dude take a picture of him without his lace front on is. The entire wig industry is probably letting out a slow, silent cry while looking at this picture in horror, because if John Travolta is getting comfortable enough with going out in public without his hair on, their careers are in danger.
And on another note, the hell is John Travolta doing in a Planet Fitness. They don’t even have massage rooms. They have massage chairs. He probably gets turned on by the fact that it has the word “planet” in its name.
via Gawker (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)
I really can’t wait for Ryan Murphy’s new FX anthology series American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson, because shit has got me intrigued and with each casting announcement I let out a bigger “HUH?”
So far, the cast is a motley crew of randoms. If I was casting it, I’d be more predictable. I’d cast Khloe Kardashian as O.J., Joe Jonas’ eyebrows as Robert Shapiro, Richard Simmons as Marcia Clark (they have the same hair) and Los Angeles news anchor Colleen Williams as Robert Kardashian (again, they have the same hair). But Ryan Murphy has gone into left field and pulled out the last actors you’d pick to play the roles they’re playing. Cuba Gooding Jr. is O.J. Simpson, David Schwimmer is Robert Kardashian, Sarah Paulson is Marcia Clark, and it was announced today that John Travolta will play lawyer and Shoedazzle co-founder Robert Shapiro. I don’t know if this show will be a major part of TV history, but I have a feeling it will be a major part of camp history.
On the left is country singer Kacey Musgraves serving up some 1970s pink Texas beauty pageant queen realness by stuffing about 40 Bumpits into a mess of polyester hair at the CMAs last night. On the right is sassy lil’ slice of peanut butter pie and noted fake hair enthusiast John Travolta in his career-defining role as Edna Turnblad in Hairspray. I know, it’s criminal of me to even ask. John Travolta wore it better. John Travolta ALWAYS wears it better.
Kacey Musgraves, who took home the “Song of the Year” CMA for that arrow song that’s been stuck in my head for the past 4 months, rolled up to the CMAs last night looking like a cross between Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (hot), Lisa Marie in Mars Attacks (xtra hot), and an expertly groomed fancy dog show Shih Tzu (the hottest). All that hair and makeup – she’s like a future Drag Race Snatch Game version of Lea Michele (except minus the extra-strength horny MILF face). Everything about Kacey’s look is on-point, but my personal favorite part is how the bottom half of her hair is styled to accentuate her chichis. The hair may steal the spotlight, but boobies are the true star.
Here’s more of Kacey looking like the love child of Lana Del Rey and Gossamer from Looney Tunes at the CMAs last night, as well as later on in the press room when she ditched the chocolate lab puppy sleeping on her head and changed into the glitzy country music cousin of the slut dress:
Just like a male massage therapist’s b-hole when John Travolta tries to tickle it with his finger, John Travolta’s mouth closes firmly shut every time someone brings up the gay rumors and he usually lets his lawyers do the talking/threatening/suing for him. But while talking to The Daily Beast about his new movie The Forger, John dribbled out a few words when asked about the allegations from the pilot who claims to be a former gay lover of Scientology’s friendliest bear. Travolta’s alleged ex gay piece is trying to sell a book about their time together and John’s lawyers tried to stop that from happening, but they failed. The Daily Beast brought that shit up during their interview with John and surprisingly, Scientology goons didn’t rush into the room, grab the recorder from the interviewer’s hand and then drag that bitch to a cell next to Shelly Miscavige’s in a dungeon under a fortress in the desert somewhere. John didn’t deny, but he did say that those bitches are just looking for cash.
Right now, there’s this pending lawsuit from a man who claims to be your former pilot about a romantic relationship. What’s the deal with that?
This is every celebrity’s Achilles heel. It’s just about people wanting money. That’s all. It happens on many levels.
You are a high-profile figure, and as such, it seems like you get targeted a lot more than anyone else with these types of allegations.
Also, I don’t care that much about it. Other people may attack it back more than I do, but I let all the media stuff go a long time ago because I can’t control it. I think that’s why it persists, to some degree.
Do you find it offensive?
I found it most offensive with the loss of my son. I felt like that was the lowest I’d ever felt. Sex stuff is always going to be interesting to somebody, but you stay away from family. You really should. With that, I always felt like the media—not all of the media, but parts of it—went too low there.
Hmmm, no, I think it persists, because whenever John Travolta goes in for a massage, he can’t keep his paws to himself and is always trying to squeeze nature’s massage lotion out of a masseur’s crotch spigot. But whatever. The Daily Beast did ask John the questions that a lot of people don’t ask, but they didn’t ask the question that all of us want the answer to. They didn’t ask John why he continues to be a horrific animal abuser by wearing that parched, tortured, half-dead Lhasa Apso on his head.
Here’s John at the TIFF premiere of The Forger looking like The Operation man with a pile of pubes glued to his face.
In “THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION” news, a California pilot who once worked for John Travolta claims that the darling of Scientology loves dick and the two had a great, big six-year-long gay love affair in the 80s. I know, what other anal bead-clutching SHOCKING revelations is this pilot going to hit us with? Is he going to tell us that the rug on John’s head is made of skinned papillons and that every Friday night he performs Barbra Streisand’s greatest hits in the Scientology bath house? I need to hold onto something sturdy, because I don’t think I can take it.
John’s alleged former gay lovah, Doug Gotterba, wants to make a quick check by writing all about his time with John’s Scientolohole in a new book. John’s lawyers tried to put a stop to the tell-all, but it didn’t work. The Hollywood Reporter says that an appeals court judge in California ruled on Tuesday that John can no longer try to stop Doug from exposing their gay love in a book. John’s lawyer Marty Singer claims that Doug signed a strict confidentiality agreement in 1987, but Doug’s lawyer claims that document is about as authentic as John’s hair. The judge ruled in Doug’s favor and spit out this stream of legal words:
“Although the prelitigation letters may have triggered Gotterba’s complaint and may be evidence in support of the complaint, they are not the basis of the complaint.
[To hold otherwise] would lead to the absurd result that a person receiving a demand letter threatening legal action for breach of contract would be precluded from seeking declaratory relief to determine the validity of the contract. Declaratory relief would be limited to situations where the parties have not communicated their disagreement.”
Translation: Doug can write about doing butt sex with John Travolta.
Doug tells The National Enquirer (of course) that he first met John in 1981 when he interviewed for a pilot job. John gave Doug the job and later gave him other jobs if you know what I mean (and yes, I stopped typing for a second to make the hand signs for “hand job” and “blow job“). Seven months after he got the job, he and John were boyfriends. For years, they traveled all over the world together and Doug claims he’s the one who told John he should get a beard. John took his advice and started dating Brooke Shields.
“Sometimes he’d bring women along as beards, but he would ask me to join him in his suite and we’d spend the nights together. It was our little secret.”
They broke up sometime in 1986, because Doug says that John was a jealous mess and kept accusing him of doing other dudes. John’s lawyer, who has a canned “deny the gay stuff” statement on file, called Doug’s story a ridiculous lie.
Doug claims that he has proof! Doug kept logs and records! Marty Singer can suck on that, because logs and records are solid proof! When I write my tell-all in a few years about how Anderson Cooper and I have had a 10-year-long gay love affair and together we adopted a ginger baby named Rojo Jr. who was raised by her au pair Shauna Sand in the back room of an In-N-Out, everyone will know I’m telling the truth, because I’ll have logs and records as proof. Logs and records!
Hos making a dollar by selling out the celebrities they boned is nothing new and neither are tales of John Travolta’s Scientolohole, but I’m still all for this non-scandalous tell-all as long as it eventually gets made into a Lifetime movie co-starring Teddy Bear the Porcupine as John’s wig. Teddy Bear really needs a breakout role.
Poor John Travolta. Ever since he screwed up Idina Menzel’s name at the Oscars, he’s been down in the Scientology dungeon beating himself over and over again. I think he meant to say that he’s been “beating himself off” over and over again, because he’s needed several massage therapists to knead out the embarrassment of him, a musical theater queen, screwing up a Broadway star’s name at the Oscars. In case you’re wondering, John Travolta’s embarrassment knot is in his prostate.
John Travolta, who’s either not dyslexic or is cured of dyslexia, released a statement today saying that he feels bad about murdering and butchering Idina Menzel’s name. The Gretchen Wieners of Scientology (Tommy Girl is so the Regina George) put it like this:
“I’ve been beating myself up all day. Then I thought, what would Idina Menzel say? She’d say, let it go, let it go! Idina is incredibly talented and I am so happy Frozen took home two Oscars Sunday night!”
People says that Idina Menzel isn’t mad about it. She thinks it’s funny.
John Travolta shouldn’t beat himself up for putting Idina Menzel’s name in a salad tosser, because you know bitch did it on purpose to try throw us off his musical theater trail. He did it last year with Lay Miserahbless. (Side Note: I really want to see Lay Miserahbless starring Adele Dazeem.) But John Travolta should beat himself up repeatedly for putting that tragic pile of electrocuted beaver pelts on his head. Where’s PETA?!
John Travolta has let it go and Idina Menzel has let it go, so let’s all let it go! Everybody let it go! And since John Travolta is in the “let it go” mood, that massage therapist he has his hand on would like him to do just that. Let it go, Jorn.