Side note: “Fancy crack den” is also one of the code words those gossips in the Scientology Centre bathhouse use for his b-hole.
Forget The National Enquirer’s exposé on Ted Cruz being a mega cheating slut who allegedly dipped his peen in at least 5 side pieces (I bet his O face looks like a Grandpa Munster claymation figurine trying to sneeze and cough at the same time)! The biggest and most escandaloso story of the day is how (WARNING: Super Glue your chair to the floor and hold on extra tight or you may knock over from the shock of it all) John Travolta will only let you massage his body if you’ve got a real dick attached to your crotch. I’ll wait here as you call a handyman from Angie’s List to fix your floor, because I’m sure that brand new shocking information caused you to rip your chair outta that bitch.
The premiere of American Crime Story: The People vs. O.J. Simpson happened in Los Angeles yesterday, and you’d think that the night belonged to the guinea pig in distress on top of John Travolta’s head, but it didn’t. John Travolta is usually the belle of every ball, but bitch lost in the game of beauty last night as soon as Joey Lawrence strolled onto the red carpet looking like he’s been plucked to the stars and back. I bet as soon as Joey’s Chia Pet Mr. Clean-looking ass hit that red carpet, John Travolta pulled off his own wig, said, “For fuck’s sake,” and immediately went home to drown his sorrows on a massage therapist’s crotch.
One of my favorite adonises probably had every ho at last night’s premiere checking their eyebrow situation in a compact. They shouldn’t have even bothered, because when it comes to the sport of eyebrow pruning, Joey Lawrence is the Oksana Baiul and everyone else is Nancy Kerrigan throwing hate at him on the sidelines. Not only do Joey’s impeccable brows look like the pubic landing strips of the angels in heaven, but that spray on hair is a work of art.
No, Joey wasn’t at the American Crime Story premiere because he plays Kato Kaelin in it (I wish). Joey was there because he has a much more important role in the show. During a scene where O.J. is crying in Kim Kartrashian’s bedroom, a poster of Joey Lawrence is on one of the walls. I know, who cares about Travolta, Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Sarah Paulson. Joey Lawrence should get top billing!
There’s a reason why John Travolta has earned a reputation as the hardest working scalp in show business. There’s no hairpiece too old, too thin, too tired, or too busted that he couldn’t slap it on his head and work like the rent was due weeks ago. Case in point: whatever was on his head at the 13th Annual Living Legends of Aviation Awards last night.
Up close it’s not that bad, but when you pull back a bit, it’s pretty square. It’s like a Magic Eye picture, but the hidden image is a man modeling a toupee that just came out of the package and hasn’t been fluffed yet. I’m not sure why John Travolta’s stylist went with that particular model, but they really should have given it some volume on top before they let him leave the Scientology basement beauty salon. Did his Bumpit™ fall out in the limo on the ride over? Or maybe he did just pull it from the package, and he’s trying not to break it in too much because he’s planning on returning it tomorrow? Oh John, you sneaky devil, you.
FX’s promo schedule for Ryan Murphy’s latest camp extravaganza American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson has felt as long as that white Bronco chase on the freeway. For weeks, they’ve released teaser trailers and promo pictures, and today they finally put out the official trailer and it looks like it’s going to be a beautiful disaster. It’s pretty much looks like O.J. Simpson: The Telenovela.
The trailer has John Travolta looking like a barbecued Raisinet as Robert Shapiro, Cheryl Ladd delivering a world-class eyebrow situation as Robert Shapiro’s wife, Sarah Paulson doing her signature Sarah Paulson cry with two brown mops on her head, Cuba Gooding Jr. sounding like he needs four bags of throat lozenges, Selma Blair gossiping at Nicole Brown’s funeral as Pimp Mama Kris and David Schwimmer bawling in a car as Robert Kardashian. (He’s probably bawling in the car because he realizes he’s defending a demon and is married to a demon too). And there’s also Connie Britton as the morally corrupt Faye Resnick:
That’s pretty much just Connie Britton wearing a lipstick color that only existed in the 90s, but I’ll take it.
And I wonder who is playing the pivotal role of the jury forewoman who fucked up Orenthal James Simpson’s name while reading the verdict? Every time I see the name “O.J. Simpson,” I always read it as, “Orenjal James Simpson.“
Ryan Murphy’s latest show American Crime Story: The People vs. O.J. Simpson isn’t hitting TV screens until February 2016, but FX has been airing ads for it during American Horror Story: Hotel, because they figure that the audience is already in the mood for goriness and terrifying ghouls. And during last night’s episode of AHS: Hotel (which belonged to Angela Bassett and Angela Bassett only), we got to see John Travolta’s face move (sort of) as Robert Shapiro. I’ve already seen pictures of John Travolta in full Shapiro drag, but last night was the first time I saw him speak. It’s safe to say that this show is going to be the most horrifying thing that Ryan Murphy has ever created and that’s saying a lot since Goopy Paltrow once sang “Do You Wanna Touch Me?” on Glee.
In this teaser, Robert Shapiro begins to ask O.J. (played by Cuba Gooding Jr.) a question (the question probably being, “You did it, right?”). Travolta looks like an animatronic wax figure trying to move as it slowly melts in a hot room. I really expected one of the baby weasels above his eyes to fall off and scurry out of the room.
I can’t wait for this. And if you don’t have a Halloween costume yet, you have one now. All you need is a suit, a whole lot of Silly Putty (for your face), a de-stuffed beaver stuffed toy (for your wig), glue and a handful of pubes (for your eyebrows). If people throw a look of confusion back at you when you tell them you’re Travolta as Shapiro, just shrug and tell them that you’re Ray Liotta after getting attacked by a mob of zombies.
Scientologists don’t believe in Heaven or Hell, but I bet John Travolta secretly hopes that if L. Ron Hubbard is wrong about that and the afterworld does exist, his Heaven will look a lot like that picture above.
John Travolta hung out with Barbra Streisand and Lady CaCa at Babs’ house this past weekend and if you threw in a naked Puerto Rican massage therapist and the world’s best wig maker into that little party, you’d have John Travolta’s complete list of 4 living people he wants to have dinner with. Ryan Murphy, James Brolin and Kelly Preston were also at the dinner, but I doubt John Travolta noticed them, because he was too busy busting into a full-body orgasm while singing the “Donna Summer part” in “Enough is Enough” with Babs. Babs Instagrammed the picture above with this little caption:
A wonderful evening at home. (L-R). Ryan Murphy. @ladygaga. John Travolta. @barbrastreisand. Kelly Preston. Jim Brolin.
John Travolta obviously used the OT powers he learned from Scientology to control himself while that picture was being taken, because I’m sure his butt thetans were quivering from being that close to his idol! Barbra must also get Botox injections in her back. That’s the only explanation I have for her not feeling John Travolta’s boner of excitement poking at her.
CaCa also Instagrammed a picture from her dinner with Babs:
I’m sure that 2 seconds after that picture was taken, John Travolta grabbed Lady CaCa’s wig, pulled her out of that scene and took her place. As he should!
And here’s CaCa shooting American Horror Story: Hotel in L.A. last week.
Pics: Instagram, Splash