And I don’t mean “hit it with splashes of holy water while running to the safe house.”
The trailer for Zoolander 2 came out today and it starts off as a comedy but then turns into a terrifying sci-fi horror show when Benedict Cumberbatch pops up on the screen looking like some kind of creature that slithered out of Snape’s asshole 9 months after that half-blood wizard had bareback fuck times with The Lizard from Spider-Man on the site of a toxic waste dump. If Kendall Jenner uses her family’s plastic surgeon, that’s what she’s going to look like without makeup in 10 years.
B. Cums plays an androgynous supermodel and I don’t even think they used any prosthetics or wigs or anything. B. Cums just shape-shifted into his natural alien lizard form and now we know that his natural alien lizard from looks a melting Tilda Swinton wax figure in low-budget Cher drag. B. Cums as a carved Pete Burns candle isn’t the only terrifying thing in the Zoolander 2 trailer. Kristen Wiig as Donatella Versace’s unremarkable anus is also pretty terrifying.
But B. Cums and Kristen aren’t even the scariest things in that trailer. The most horrifying thing is that they call Justin Bieber, whose death isn’t as perfect as his death in CSI, one of the most beautiful people in the world.
And to answer my headline question, yes, I probably would.
Two months after RiRi tossed that Kumbaya ass campfire song onto the Internet, she has Instagrammed a cover of her new single along with the note, “rihannaNOW.com #R8 #BBHMM #March26.” You might think the left side reads “The fuck are those Millhouse Van Houten brows?” in Braille, but Vulture says it reads “Bitch Better Have My Money” in Braille. That’s apparently the title of her single. Bitch better have good lawyers, because yes, AMG came up with that phrase, but I’m sure Pimp Mama Kris shamelessly trademarked since she says it every time she talks about one of her kids or grandkids. It’s true. Every time one of PMK’s friends asks her how so and so is, she says, “She’s good, but bitch betta have my money.” Every time.
AND THOSE BROWS!
They look like what FKA Twigs’ brows would look like if they ate Cara Delawhatever’s brows. Those brows are going to leave Sharpie stains on your screen. Those brows are Helga G. Pataki’s brows on Internet-bought Viagra. If in the 90s, Bert was forced to bust out of Sesame Street because he owed some dealers money and had to hide out on Staten Island where he disguised himself as a drag queen cholita biker hooker, this is what his mug shot would look like after he got arrested for solicitation.
So in other words, this is the look!
I guess Crispy just had to Shayk it off. Yeah, yeah, you don’t have to grab the gong. I’ll see myself out.
After five years together, the football-playing overcooked piece of bacon known as Cristiano Ronaldo and Russian bikini model Irina Shayk are no longer getting his and hers crotch waxes together and are no longer spending their Friday nights plucking out each other’s stray brow hairs. Every pair of tweezers in the world is shedding a tear, because the phrase, “A couple that plucks together, stays together,” is no longer true.
There’s been rumors that Crispy’s family hates Irina as much as he hates hair on his body. Apparently, Crispy’s mom Dolores can’t stand Irina and recently Irina learned that you don’t fuck with the mother of a Portuguese mama’s boy, because she will always win out. The Daily Mail says that Crispy dumped Irina for not going to his mom’s birthday party. Some source spit this out:
“Cristiano wanted to surprise his mum and as he spent Christmas with Irina in Dubai, he had planned to be with his mum on her birthday, but Irina didn’t want to go. They had such a big row that he ended up spending New Years Eve alone with his son. Irina mouthed off about Dolores and Ronaldo took sides with him mum. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back because they had hadn’t been getting on well in the last few months.”
But Irina’s rep tells Page Six it’s not true. Sure, if you’re in Portugal, you can hear Dolores screaming with happiness, but Irina’s rep says she was never at war with his family.
“We can confirm Irina Shayk has ended her relationship to Cristiano Ronaldo. She has been close with his family throughout the course of their relationship. Any negative rumors with regards to Irina and the Ronaldo family are completely false, and have not been a factor in the cause of the spilt. Irina has no further comment at the time.”
I don’t know if Portuguese mothers are anything like Salvadoran mothers, but if they are, Irina didn’t stand a chance. If my abuelita didn’t like any of the pieces her children were married to or dating, she let it be known and nothing could change her mind. They could start shitting out caramel squares (her favorite) and produce a birth certificate that said they were the true child of God and she’d still hate their asses. But whatever, Crispy is now free to be with and marry his true love: the statue of him in his hometown. I’m sure he’s already wiping his fake tan tears on its bulge.
Pic: Vogue Spain
Okay, maybe one or two comments. I will say that when InTouch Weekly badly Photoshops lipstick, rouge and a smart scarf from Lord & Taylor onto Bruce Jenner, he gives us “politician’s wife” glamour. Still hotter than any Kartrashian.
Because George and Amal Clooney are the first people who have ever gotten married and they want their never-ending wedding extravaganza celebrations to last longer than their marriage, there was another goddamn party for them in England last night. The catering industry and makers of rental tables hope this marriage lasts as long as possible, because these two are the types who will renew their vows every single month at a vow renewal party hosted by Hello! Magazine.
People says that this latest wedding party was hosted by Amal’s mom and dad and was mainly held for her family and friends who couldn’t make it to Venice. 200 friends and family, some of which traveled thousands of miles to be there, partied at Danesfield House Hotel in Buckinghamshire. Some source (Hi, George’s pr team!) told People that last night’s party was a lot less star-studded and glamorously opulent than their wedding.
“George was very nice, absolutely adorable. Amal looked incredible and they seem very, very much in love. George went from table to table to meet everyone and at more than one table, when he noticed glasses were empty, he got a bottle and poured wine into everyone’s glasses. It was a very sympathique soiree. Very polished and a little low-key than you thought it might be. There were no other famous people. It was 90 percent her family. It was a lovely family celebration.”
Some creamed all over Amal’s wedding fashion game, but I say that she definitely saved the hottest look for this party. The failed showgirl turned side piece moll of a low-ranking Reno, NV gangster look IS the look. Hopefully for the one month marriage anniversary party and six-week marriage anniversary (etc…etc…), Amal continues to get her dresses from the “Boardwalk Empire on a budget” section of Halloween Town.
And now let’s toast to Amal Clooney’s perfect eyebrow situation:
I, for one, hope all of this is part of George’s plan to run for office, because we deserve a politician’s wife whose eyebrows give me Count Chocula with a dash of Bianca Del Rio.
Pamela Anderson is a vegan (the only meat she puts in her mouth is at least 8 inches long and spits out man leche, thankyouverymuch), is PETA’s hardest-working whore and she cares about the environment and shit, so she tries to keep it green, which is why she recycles everything including the dicks that she rides on full-time. The Canadian blossom who re-planted herself in the gardens of America recycled Tommy Lee’s stretched Escalade dick several times before breaking up with him for good (probably not, they are the Burton & Taylor of the CDC) in 2010 and she married Kid Rock in 2006 after breaking up with him the first time in 2003. Well, Pamela is recycling again. She married Wonky McValtrex’s fuck tape c0-star and her third ex-husband, Rick Salomon, recently. The free clinic has a new first couple!
At Sean Penn’s Help Haiti Gala in L.A. last night, Pamela showed off her new, huge ring and told E! News that she got secret married to Rick Salomon. Pamela and Rick got married in 2007 and they annulled that shit a year later. They recently started bumping genitals again. Rick didn’t walk the carpet with Pamela last night, but she said that she’s happy and her family is happy about it.
“We’re very happy. Our families are very happy and that’s all that matters.”
Besides that popped clit pimple Paris Hilton, Rick has exquisite taste in women. His ex-wives club includes E.G. Daily and Brenda Walsh.
I could sit here and shit on Pamela Anderson for the bad decisions she’s made in her love life, but I’m not going to. Pamela made the right decision to keep her eyebrows looking like they were tattooed on with a BIC pen, a soda can pull tab and a lighter by her cholita cellmate in a women’s state prison in Central California and THAT’S the only decision that matters to me.
Here’s Pamela looking like a chola Susan Powter (chola name: La Sane Girl) at that Help Haiti Gala last night.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com