If I went to the gym, there’s a lot I wouldn’t do. I wouldn’t walk barefoot in the showers. I wouldn’t try to deadlift the biggest weight on the floor. I wouldn’t Snapchat a picture of a naked woman in the change room. 2015’s Playboy Playmate of the Year Dani Mathers, on the other hand, definitely would do that last one. Dani recently Snapchatted a naked woman changing at her gym in an attempt to get some LOLs, and now she’s in a ton of internet trouble for it. Dani may have a huge mouth, but apparently the part of her brain that makes good decisions is very small.
If you know someone who runs one of those charities that donates eyeglasses to the needy, now would be the time to point them in the direction of Lindsay Lohan, because bitch is clearly going blind if she can’t see how truly messy those stairs are behind her.
Yesterday, the itchy drug-resistant rash America gave to England posted a picture of herself wearing one of those waist trainers to Twitter. And just like the last time she tried to post a sexy body selfie, the right side of her body was lousy with janky Photoshop fuckery and a bunch of people called her ass out for it. Sidebar: you know you’re dealing with a truly busted photo when the giant pair of pastel green spandex-wrapped pussy lips aren’t thing first thing your eyes are drawn to.
Of course, once the Apricot Ashtray realized that she’d been caught trying to shrink her waist with the liquify tool, she yanked the picture. A little while later, she uploaded it once again, this time with a set of stairs that didn’t look like they weren’t built by Salvador Dali. But it was too late. Everyone already saw those warped stairs and floor tiles. Sweet Jesus, those floor tiles! If that’s not the result of shitty Photoshop, then HGTV’s Scott McGillivray better get his hot ass to whatever severely flood-damaged basement Lohan took this picture in and fix it.
How many times does this kind of crap have to happen before famous vain types will finally learn to stop posing in front of stairs if they plan on sneakily Photoshopping the hell out of themselves? Stairs will rat you out every time!
Madonna Is Sorry For Using Pictures Of Martin Luther King Jr. And Nelson Mandela To Promote Her New Album
To get people excited for her upcoming album (which has been leaked almost entirely onto the internet by some impatient fools who can’t wait ’till March to fill their ear holes with the sound of autotuned sex grunts), Madonna spent a good chunk of her day yesterday promoting Rebel Heart by Instagramming Photoshopped pictures of famous types wrapped in black licorice to mimic the album art, including Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, Princess Diana, and Bob Marley.
Naturally, it pissed people off. And since Madonna would rather sell Rebel Heart for money than see it being given away as a Macy’s gift with purchase when you buy a 50ml bottle of Truth of Dare, she whipped up an apology and posted it to Facebook to let you know that she is so sowwy for offending you, and that it’s totally not Madonna’s fault:
“It’s not my fault! It’s my fans! They made the pictures, I just posted them!” has to be a new one. Has anyone ever used that before? Oh Madonna – you’re getting a little old to be throwing anything, let alone people under the bus. You’ve got to watch your back, Madonna!
Obviously using pictures of Martin Luther King Jr. and Nelson Mandela to hock your collection of digitized granny yodels is next-level dumb, but if you’re going to do it, at least make sure you throw on the spell check when it comes time to issue a public apology. Martin Luther King Jr. is probably up in Heaven right now reading Madonna’s lazy apology and thinking “I have a dream that one day you’ll open a damn book and learn the correct use of there/their/they’re.” Madonna is richer than Scrooge McDuck’s right nut – that bitch could easily afford an in-house proof reader (unlike Michael K and I, who only have enough money in our budget for expired cans of Cactus Cooler and a bi-weekly delivery of signed 8×10 glossies of Phoebe Price).
“That’s genius!” screamed Lindsay Lohan, as she began frantically rummaging around in Dina’s garage for her old bicycle.
According to TMZ, Andy Dick has once again redefined the word HOT MESS. Last week, Andy was riding his bike around Hollywood (note: I ride my bike everywhere, and even I wouldn’t ride around Hollywood. That shit is dangerous! I don’t wanna get hit by one of those homemade tour buses!) when he saw a guy wearing a chain he liked. So he pulled over and asked if he could see it. The guy recognized it was Andy Dick, thought “Surely a man with a history of being crazy won’t do anything crazy“, and handed over the $1000 necklace. That’s when Andy grabbed it and rode off.
TMZ says the owner of the chain then went to police to report that Andy Dick had stolen his joo-rey, but they couldn’t find him anywhere. Unfortunately for Andy, the police found him last night near his apartment in Hollywood, and they arrested his chain-stealing getaway bike-riding buttered popcorn-looking ass. He was released early this morning when someone posted his $25,000 bail.
The only thing I really want to know is how high was Andy Dick when this happened. You’ve got to be pretty fucked to steal someone’s necklace and ride away on a bicycle. Then again, you’ve got to be pretty fucked to hand over a necklace to Andy Dick on a bicycle. Then again, if you’ve ever lived in Hollywood (which I did for a very short time), you know that Andy Dick rolling up to you on a bike and asking to see your necklace is not even that weird. I’ve seen a Spiderman wearing Ugg boots slap another Spiderman with a Wetzel’s Pretzel at a bus stop once. So yeah, dude who handed over your necklace, I get it. You’re dumb, but I get it.
We all know that Kanye West has a lukewarm puddle of soggy delusion for a brain (it was a wedding present from his mother-in-law as a way to help him fit-in with the rest of the family), so this story should surprise no one. The Daily Mail says that during a performance in Sydney, Australia on Friday night, Kim’s Kurrent Husband told the audience to stand up and dance and threw a tempter-tantrum when he noticed that some people weren’t obeying King Kanye. HOW DARE THEY! DON’T THEY KNOW HOW IMPORTANT KANYE WEST IS??
Concertgoers claim that Kanye got all kunty when realized there might still be one or two people in the audience who hadn’t stood up, so he stopped the music and announced:
“I can’t do this song, I can’t do this show until everybody stand up. Unless you got a handicap pass and you get special parking and shit. Imma see you if you ain’t standing up, believe me, I’m very good at that”
Sure enough, he located one of the seated persons and demanded to know why they weren’t standing up and worshiping at the altar of Yeezus, to which they held up a prosthetic leg as proof that they weren’t able to stand, a reason Kanye deemed an acceptable excuse. Then he managed to locate the other person in the audience who was still seated and insisted that they get their ass out of their seat and dance, GODDAMN IT. But they remained seated BECAUSE THEY WERE IN A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR.
The fissure on humanity’s ass lips that refuses to heal, Chris Brown, was once again showing everyone that he’s a completely changed person and isn’t a mutated throbbing taint pimple that regularly explodes into a douche geyser of rage. And by that, I mean the opposite. TMZ says that The Difficult Brown was put into handcuffs in DC early this morning after he punched a dude in the face outside of the W Hotel. The dude apparently photo bombed a picture that Chris was taking with two women. I know, the most shocking part of all of this is that Fist Brown knocked out a dude and not one of the two women. (“See, my baby is changing!” – Mom Breezy)
TMZ says that around 4:30 am, Chris Brown and his bodyguard were hanging outside of the W Hotel when two women asked to take a picture with him. Right before the picture was about to be taken, two dudes, who don’t know Fist Brown, jumped in and that made Chris say to them, “I’m not into this gay shit, I’m into boxing,” before punching one in the face. They brawled on the ground for a bit before the fight was broken up and the cops showed up. The Difficult Brown and his bodyguard were arrested for felony assault and the cops claim Chris wasn’t under the influence of anything mind altering. He was only under the influence of Chris Brown which is the worst drug of them all. The Difficult Brown and his bodyguard are sitting in jail right now and they’ll stay there until they face a judge tomorrow morning.
The dude who felt the wrath of The Difficult Brown was taken to the hospital. His nose is broken and he may need surgery. He told TMZ that if Fist Brown would’ve apologized to him afterward, he would’ve taken it and moved on, but since that didn’t happen, he will press charges. The Difficult Brown is still on probation and “breaking a dude’s nose” is considered a violation, so he could go to the clink for up to four years. But back to that ridiculous “I’m not into this gay shit, I’m into boxing” shit….
The Difficult Brown went on to say, “You know, boxing. I like to get shirtless, get sweaty and fist other dudes.” So taking a picture with dudes equals “gay shit“? The rage, the meth and the dirty enema water running through his veins must’ve eaten up whatever is left of his brains, because I don’t even know what that means. And every time The Difficult Brown pulls some shit like this, I take it as him begging the justice system to please throw him in a building with a bunch of locked-up, sexually frustrated men.
But seriously, I’m sure The Difficult Brown never said that shit. I mean, how can he be a homophobe when he’s an ambassador for equality?!
The new single is apart of my “UNITY CAMPAIGN” which encourages all races, genders, sexes, (everyone) gay or straight to love each other!
— Chris Brown (@chrisbrown) June 13, 2013
UPDATE: Someone in Team Difficult Brown tells TMZ that the dudes weren’t photo bombing a pic, they were trying to get on Chris Brown’s bus.