As if losing an hour of sleep for daylight savings time wasn’t the most INSUFFERABLE thing about this day already, Saturday Night Live just went and made the weekend worse with their GOOP parody on Weekend Update. I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that they brought Gwyneth Paltrow on as a surprise guest to make fun of her to her face yet failed by pulling back on all of their punches, or that they failed to offer a mock PSA on the benefits of steaming one’s vagina while simultaneously boiling water for making organic zucchini spaghetti. Major missed opportunity.
Whenever there’s a story involving walking medicine cabinet Future you know the eye rolls will be continuous because this dude is like a human factory of fuckery. He’s always saying or doing something that makes me think to myself “Is he ever not high?” Case in point: Future allegedly threw a party at a club in Miami, and as far as which ladies he allowed in, the minimum price of admission was that you resemble a stick figure with boobs because anyone claiming to be in or around the plus-sized range were turned away faster than the daily “Baby I Miss You!!” love letters he sends to Ciara’s house.
If I went to the gym, there’s a lot I wouldn’t do. I wouldn’t walk barefoot in the showers. I wouldn’t try to deadlift the biggest weight on the floor. I wouldn’t Snapchat a picture of a naked woman in the change room. 2015’s Playboy Playmate of the Year Dani Mathers, on the other hand, definitely would do that last one. Dani recently Snapchatted a naked woman changing at her gym in an attempt to get some LOLs, and now she’s in a ton of internet trouble for it. Dani may have a huge mouth, but apparently the part of her brain that makes good decisions is very small.
If you know someone who runs one of those charities that donates eyeglasses to the needy, now would be the time to point them in the direction of Lindsay Lohan, because bitch is clearly going blind if she can’t see how truly messy those stairs are behind her.
Yesterday, the itchy drug-resistant rash America gave to England posted a picture of herself wearing one of those waist trainers to Twitter. And just like the last time she tried to post a sexy body selfie, the right side of her body was lousy with janky Photoshop fuckery and a bunch of people called her ass out for it. Sidebar: you know you’re dealing with a truly busted photo when the giant pair of pastel green spandex-wrapped pussy lips aren’t thing first thing your eyes are drawn to.
Of course, once the Apricot Ashtray realized that she’d been caught trying to shrink her waist with the liquify tool, she yanked the picture. A little while later, she uploaded it once again, this time with a set of stairs that didn’t look like they weren’t built by Salvador Dali. But it was too late. Everyone already saw those warped stairs and floor tiles. Sweet Jesus, those floor tiles! If that’s not the result of shitty Photoshop, then HGTV’s Scott McGillivray better get his hot ass to whatever severely flood-damaged basement Lohan took this picture in and fix it.
How many times does this kind of crap have to happen before famous vain types will finally learn to stop posing in front of stairs if they plan on sneakily Photoshopping the hell out of themselves? Stairs will rat you out every time!
Madonna Is Sorry For Using Pictures Of Martin Luther King Jr. And Nelson Mandela To Promote Her New Album
To get people excited for her upcoming album (which has been leaked almost entirely onto the internet by some impatient fools who can’t wait ’till March to fill their ear holes with the sound of autotuned sex grunts), Madonna spent a good chunk of her day yesterday promoting Rebel Heart by Instagramming Photoshopped pictures of famous types wrapped in black licorice to mimic the album art, including Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela, Princess Diana, and Bob Marley.
Naturally, it pissed people off. And since Madonna would rather sell Rebel Heart for money than see it being given away as a Macy’s gift with purchase when you buy a 50ml bottle of Truth of Dare, she whipped up an apology and posted it to Facebook to let you know that she is so sowwy for offending you, and that it’s totally not Madonna’s fault:
“It’s not my fault! It’s my fans! They made the pictures, I just posted them!” has to be a new one. Has anyone ever used that before? Oh Madonna – you’re getting a little old to be throwing anything, let alone people under the bus. You’ve got to watch your back, Madonna!
Obviously using pictures of Martin Luther King Jr. and Nelson Mandela to hock your collection of digitized granny yodels is next-level dumb, but if you’re going to do it, at least make sure you throw on the spell check when it comes time to issue a public apology. Martin Luther King Jr. is probably up in Heaven right now reading Madonna’s lazy apology and thinking “I have a dream that one day you’ll open a damn book and learn the correct use of there/their/they’re.” Madonna is richer than Scrooge McDuck’s right nut – that bitch could easily afford an in-house proof reader (unlike Michael K and I, who only have enough money in our budget for expired cans of Cactus Cooler and a bi-weekly delivery of signed 8×10 glossies of Phoebe Price).
“That’s genius!” screamed Lindsay Lohan, as she began frantically rummaging around in Dina’s garage for her old bicycle.
According to TMZ, Andy Dick has once again redefined the word HOT MESS. Last week, Andy was riding his bike around Hollywood (note: I ride my bike everywhere, and even I wouldn’t ride around Hollywood. That shit is dangerous! I don’t wanna get hit by one of those homemade tour buses!) when he saw a guy wearing a chain he liked. So he pulled over and asked if he could see it. The guy recognized it was Andy Dick, thought “Surely a man with a history of being crazy won’t do anything crazy“, and handed over the $1000 necklace. That’s when Andy grabbed it and rode off.
TMZ says the owner of the chain then went to police to report that Andy Dick had stolen his joo-rey, but they couldn’t find him anywhere. Unfortunately for Andy, the police found him last night near his apartment in Hollywood, and they arrested his chain-stealing getaway bike-riding buttered popcorn-looking ass. He was released early this morning when someone posted his $25,000 bail.
The only thing I really want to know is how high was Andy Dick when this happened. You’ve got to be pretty fucked to steal someone’s necklace and ride away on a bicycle. Then again, you’ve got to be pretty fucked to hand over a necklace to Andy Dick on a bicycle. Then again, if you’ve ever lived in Hollywood (which I did for a very short time), you know that Andy Dick rolling up to you on a bike and asking to see your necklace is not even that weird. I’ve seen a Spiderman wearing Ugg boots slap another Spiderman with a Wetzel’s Pretzel at a bus stop once. So yeah, dude who handed over your necklace, I get it. You’re dumb, but I get it.