Shia LaBeouf’s “Method Acting” Is The Reason Why He Got Fired From A Broadway Play And Ended Up In Jail
Seen above looking like a dirty hot, dick jelly-ridden hitchhiker that you picked up one night and had messy fuck times with in a motel room before waking up the next morning to find out that he stole your car and gave you crabs, Shia LaBeouf tells Interview Magazine (via Page Six) that “method acting” is what led him to a jail cell and is what got him pink-slipped from the Broadway play Orphans. When Shia got fired from Orphans for being difficult and he started terrorizing homeless guys in Times Square, some blamed it on Shia being Shia and others blamed it on booze, the bad shit or a mental breakdown. Shia tells Interview that the only drug to blame is AC-TING! It took him a while, but Shia finally played the Joaquin Phoenix card.
RIP that field of greens. Because 30 minutes after this picture was taken, those greens were nothing but ash in Brad Pitt’s bong.
Brad Pitt is on the cover of Details to whore out that movie whose title I always read as Furry (Side note: What the world really needs is a war movie starring Furries) and he gets deep. Well, as deep as Brad Pitt can go. Brad takes a page out of Kristen Stewart’s Book of Deep Thoughts by saying that the soul-stealing paparazzi are stealing his bliss and he also farts at the mouth about how he’s not a shitty dad.
(“Michael, did you accidentally mix battery acid into your cup of Sanka this morning, because that’s the only explanation for why you posted a picture of a Johnny Hallyday wax statue in a post about Brad Pitt.” – you)
Brad Pitt lives in mansion where red laser beams protect the halls, an army of security guards patrol every corner and ninjas trained by Child Army Captain Maddox cling to the ceiling, but he says that he doesn’t feel one hundred percent safe unless he’s got a gun in the house. Brad is promoting that army movie Fury in the UK and during an interview with Britain’s Radio Times (via The Independent) the topic of guns came up and he said that he grew up with guns, he got his first gun at the age of 6, he fired his first handgun at 8 and you’ll have to rip his gun out of his cold, stoned hand. Actually, that wouldn’t be hard. If you want Brad to drop his gun. Just wave a joint at him. Brad put it like this:
“There’s a rite of passage where I grew up of inheriting your ancestors’ weapons. My brother got my dad’s. I got my grandfather’s shotgun when I was kindergarten. The positive is that my father instilled in me a profound and deep respect for the weapon.”
The NYDN also brought out a quote Brad Pitt spit out a while ago about how he just feels better knowing that he’s got a gun nearby: “I don’t feel the house is completely safe if I don’t have one hidden somewhere. That’s my thinking, right or wrong.”
I know hos who feel the same way Brad does and I know hos who feel the opposite way. As my ass gets older and I start to watch way too much 48 Hours and THE NEWS!!!!, I get more and more paranoid. So I keep pepper spray next to my bed, which is genius if you think about. If somebody ever does break in, the darkness mixed with confusion will cause me to pepper spray myself in the face. I should just keep an iPod loaded with a Justin Bieber song next to me. That’s the deadliest weapon of all.
If I was Brad Pitt, I’d probably feel pretty safe without a gun too, because if anybody breaks in they’ll have to deal with a team of security guards, the child army and Dame St. Angie Jolie who will hypnotize the intruder with her ethereal graciousness and touch their chest, turning their criminal heart into a good heart.
Here’s Brad looking like a hobo Weekend at Bernie’s at the premiere Fury in NYC last night.
Malala Yousafzai became the youngest Nobel Peace Prize winner in history today (“Malala, you’re welcome for the recommendation, by the way” – Justin Bieber) and the day should belong to her and it did belong to her until St. Angie Jolie came along and stole her glory!
Back in June, the British royals announced that they were adding the title of “Dame” to St. Angie Jolie’s mountain of other titles (e.g. Saint, The Second Coming, Great Royal Home Wrecker, Our Lady Of Condom Shoes, etc…). Today at Buckingham Palace in London, THE QUEEN made it official by dame’ing St. Angie Jolie while throwing a look that said, “Reminder to self: Fish out that jam-covered crumpet I keep in my pocketbook and give it to this malnourished child.” THE QUEEN’s Corgis were seen around Buckingham Palace with clothespins on their noses and that could only mean one thing: stinky ass Brad Pitt was in the building. Brad Pitt and the entire child army were there when THE QUEEN presented St. Angie with the insignia of an Honorary Dame Grand Cross of the Most Distinguished Order of St Michael and St George for helping to save the world, specifically for her campaign work fighting sexual violence and for services to UK foreign policy.
The Telegraph says that since St. Angie Jolie isn’t a Brit, she can’t use the title of Dame, but she can throw the initials DCMG after her name. (“Oh, does DCMG stand for Depraved Conniving Man Grabber?” – Jennifer Aniston circa 2005)
St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt were reportedly invited to George Clooney’s intimate, low-key wedding in Venice, but they didn’t go, because they were too busy shooting their version of Eyes Wide Shut called By The Sea in Malta. They’re still shooting that movie, so I guess St. Angie only makes time for real queens, not STUNT QUEENS.
Here’s more of St. Angie looking like Lady Tremaine in an Easter suit while getting honored by THE QUEEN.
I see Psychologies Magazine subtly coming at newlywed Brad Pitt by putting that “Why do you really want to get married?” cover line next to him.
In case you didn’t already know, Brad Pitt and St. Angie Jolie have kids. Like some people who have kids, they love their kids and really, really, REALLY, really love talking about how much they love their kids. Brangie is that bitch on Facebook who posts cheesy open poems to their baby who can’t read yet and always goes on about how they’re thinking of having their angel son’s DNA tested because they’re beginning to think he’s the biological child of the sun, moon and stars. But since St. Angie and Brad aren’t on Facebook (that us peons know of) they have to drool about being parents during interviews. The world is their Facebook.
While talking to Psychologies Magazine (via E! News) about his new movie Fury, Brad Pitt dribbled out verbal streams of syrupy love about being a father.
Sorry, you’ll have to give me a moment – I’m trying to make sense of Brad Pitt’s janky facial hair on the cover of GQ. Why does it look like his beard is running away from his moustache? And why does his chin look like an elderly badger after a bikini wax? “Oooh girl, let your garden grown!” said some elderly badgers.
Brapi gave an interview to British GQ where talked about his gorgeous hair in Interview with the Vampire and what the hell was up with St. Angie’s wedding dress. NO! I wish. He actually talked about pretentious Hobo Brad shit (all of which is super-fun to read in Taran Killam’s Brad Pitt voice):
When both People and Hello! published EXCLUSIVO pictures of the most important royal wedding since the Duchess of Alba married that young trick, I figured that both People and Hello! would shut down, because they cleared out their accounts, sold off a few of their employees and even sucked dick for $2 a piece under a bridge to pay Brangelina. Radar says that the pictures did sell for a lot of coins, but People and Hello! didn’t have to liquidate everything to buy them. Brangie donated the money to their charity like they always do.
Some source tells Radar that People paid $2.5 million for the US rights and Hello! paid $2.5 million for the international rights. St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt used a Getty photographer they always use. The money went directly to The Maddox Jolie Pitt Foundation which supports different humanitarian projects around the world. Yeah, uh huh, I’m sure all the money donated to The Maddox Jolie Pitt Foundation isn’t used to fund the growing child army that will one day battle the Duggars to become the most powerful overlords on the planet. I’m sure. Radar’s source said this:
“Brad and Angelina knew their would be tremendous interest in their wedding pictures, and decided to donate the money to their charitable foundation. The couple has done this numerous times in the past.”
According to Wikipedia, the first pictures of the Chosen Ones, Knox and Vivienne Jolie-Pitt, still hold the record for the most expensive celebrity pictures. People and Hello! paid $15 million total for those pictures in 2008.
Meanwhile, Ashlee Simpson can’t even get 15 pesos and a dirty condom for the pictures of her wedding with Diana Ross’ pretty-faced son. Dumbass Ashlee. If she let Papa Joe be in her wedding party and let him wear his outfit of a choice (a rhinestone-encrusted mesh tuxedo with a grey camouflage thong and white cowboy boots), her wedding pictures would’ve broken ALL the records.
Okay, so I can stop sending hate mail to “St. Angie, c/o God, Heaven, 051322″ (Yes, Heaven’s zip code is Bea Arthur’s born day and that’s no coincidence) for not inviting her brother and the human equivalent of STAINS, James Haven, to her wedding, because it turns out he was at her wedding and sat in the front row. Earth, that’s your cue to start spinning again.
When E! News squirted out details of St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt’s wedding in France, they said that mutated white dog turd Jon Voight wasn’t there, because he wasn’t invited, but they didn’t say anything about James Haven. But this morning, Lainey posted scans from Brangie’s wedding spread in Hello! and there was the bulgey-eyed distinguished salamander standing in the front row and looking off into the distance, because he knew that if he laid his Slinky Dink eyes on St. Angie, he wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to suck the bride’s face and he wanted to save that move for when they danced to the “Flowers In The Attic” theme song during the reception.
E! claims that Shiloh and the boys of the Child Army wore cream linen suits and I knew that had to be wrong, because the child army would never dress like a Southern grandpa going to Easter service. Instead, they dressed up like a cross between Justin Timberlake during his copy + paste Robin Thicke phase and Amish businessmen.
And here’s a pic of Maddox and Shiloh getting the giggles during the ceremony.
They’re either laughing because they know their parents are about to bring the grossness by doing kissing stuff or they got contact stoned from standing so close to Brad Pitt. Or Maddox is laughing because he just looked at his mom’s mess of a dress and spotted the doodle he drew of a single tear falling into a bowl of cake batter (a wink to his former arch rival Aniston).
And here’s Brad giving you Weekend At Bernie’s chic while leaving a hotel in NYC on Sunday.
Behold, St. Angie Jolie’s Wedding Dress Which Is Now The Most Important Religious Artifact Of All-Time
Before pictures of St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt’s holy wedding grace the first pages of the Holy Bible, they were gracious enough to lease the pictures to People and Hello! for their final issues. I say “final issues,” because People and Hello! are going out of business since they spent all their money on this shit.
Because St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt are HIGHLY protective of their personal lives and are the epitome of private, they sold their wedding pictures to People and Hello! and spit out details about the dress that has surpassed Jan Crouch’s soft-serve cotton candy dump hair as history’s greatest religious artifact. St. Angie Jolie tells People that her wedding dress was designed by family friend Luigi Massi, the head tailor at Atelier Versace. If St. Angie wanted a dress that looked like it was marked “irregular” and came from the “take it, just take it for free” bin at a David’s Bridal, then it’s absolutely perfect. To make the dress even more personal, Luigi sewed drawings made by the child army into the dress and veil.
“Luigi is like family to me and I couldn’t imagine anyone else making this dress,” says Jolie. “He knows and cares for the children and it was great fun putting it together.”
She looks like she’s wearing a tablecloth from Romano’s Macaroni Grill after a bunch of kids doodled all over it with crayons. I just want to pull up a chair next to her dress and order some house wine and fettuccine alfredo. With that being said, I’m sure workers are currently removing Michelangelo’s The Creation of Adam from the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, because they’re going to replace it with St. Angie’s dress.
And here’s Brad and St. Angie sucking face on Hello!
All I see is HAAAAAAAAAAAND.
Every religion issued a joint statement today saying that August 23rd is now the holiest holiday of the year (Sorry, Christmas! Sorry, Yom Kippur! Sorry, Eid al-Fitr! Sorry, Bea Arthur’s birthday!), because the holiest couple in history became husband and wife in the holiest union of the century and everybody who witnessed that blessed event has been declared a saint (“Um, but I was declared a saint as soon as I was pulled out of my mom’s bony snatch.” – Shiloh). But one trick who wasn’t declared a saint was Jon Voight, because Jon Voight wasn’t there and he found out about it when we all did. Jon Voight was being interviewed by Inside Edition this morning and the reporter talking to him told him the news that his daughter married her third husband and the only thing he had to say was, “That’s nice.” You know your daughter hates you more than she hates wearing a color that’s not black or beige when you find out about her wedding from an Inside Edition reporter. Not even Entertainment Tonight! Inside Edition!