I was going to title this “American royalty” meets “British royalty,” but that would be a lie wrapped in a heavy layer of NO. Because this post is not about how Shauna Sand and her boy toy had high tea at a Hooters in Nottingham with Jodie Marsh and whoever she’s boning at the moment.
Years from now, history teachers will extensively cover June 26, 2015 and not because it’s the day that the Supreme Court made the dreams come true of every aspiring gay gold digger in every state. They will cover that day, because it’s the day that Dame St. Angie Jolie, Brad Pitt, Duchess Kate and Prince William drank tea together. CNN should really close up and give it up, because instead of covering a highly historical event like this, they spent hours reporting on those prison escapees last night.
Unlike CNN, UsWeekly knows what journalism is, because they exclusively reported about how Brangelina had tea with the royals at Kensington Palace yesterday afternoon. Brangelina are in London for charity stuff and while there, they drank tea (but was it Tension Tamer tea?) with Duchess Kate and Prince William and they also brought a gift for Princess Charlotte. A rep for Kensington Palace said they talked about illegal wildlife shit.
After months of coordinating, the two power couples met for the first time at a private Kensington Palace meeting. “The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge met with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Pitt at Kensington Palace on Friday afternoon,” a Kensington Palace spokesman tells Us Weekly exclusively. “They discussed their shared interest in combatting the illegal wildlife trade.”
“Everyone got on splendidly,” says the source of their afternoon tea. “Brad and Angelina spent much longer with the Duke and Duchess than planned. They ended up staying for almost a few hours.”
They drank tea and talked about illegal animals for “almost a few hours” (whatever the hell that means)? I call bullshit on that. They probably spent those “almost a few hours” smoking weed out of a blueberry scone Brad Pitt turned into a bong before swapping partners. But I’m sure we’ll soon find out what really went on during those “almost a few hours” when the History Channel airs a 6-part series about the most historical meeting of our time.
Actually, more like, “The Bi-Curious Case Of Benjamin Buttfuckme,” amirite?
“Hollywood insider,” socialite and friend of the Porn Iguana Hesham “Sham” Ibrahim (I know, his nickname is “Sham.” Too easy.) EXCLUSIVELY tells Star Magazine that it’s been known in certain circles for a decade that Brad Pitt also gets hungry for peen and regularly leases dick from hustler sites like Rentboy.com. Sham said that he’s not going to define Brad’s sexuality, but he knows that Brad fucks dudes from time to time. But Sham says that Brad is a picky eater, so to speak, and has sent a hooker away for not being up to his standards.
Sham says that ten years ago, Brad picked out the late porn star Cameron Fox on RentBoy and made plans to meet him at a hotel in Monterey, CA. I guess Brad wasn’t into the goods that Cameron served up, because Sham claims that he sent the dude away. Picky ass Pitt!
“When [Cameron] got there, an assistant met him in the lobby and took him to a room. Sure enough, there was Brad Pitt. Brad took one look at him, gave him a thousand dollars and asked him to leave. Cameron wasn’t as attractive as he appeared to be in his pictures. I guess Brad has picky taste.”
Since Cameron Fox is not with us anymore, he’s obviously not available to say if Sham’s story is lies covered in lies or not. Sham has heard that it’s kind of common for Brad to turn away rented ass, but when he finds a piece he’s into, he has a “routine” he busts out.
“They said he seemed to have the whole scenario pretty much worked out.”
As for Dame. St. Angie Jolie, Sham, who personally knows Brangelina as well as the nose pimple I just popped does, doesn’t think she’d mind since she’s into peen and poon herself.
Okay, but where are the only details any of us care about? I mean, is Brad Pitt a sloppy bossy pig bottom, a flip flop fucker, a BDSM power top or what? When Brad Pitt hires two rent boys, does he say to them, “I want you to Pitt roast me!” Does Brad Pitt’s greasy, cheesy ass get a discount since he’s pre-lubed? I cannot take this story seriously until I get these highly important details. Oh, Star Magazine, to think, I thought I knew you as a highly-esteemed literary journal that cared about uncovering important details like that.
The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day says that soon Captain Maddox will give a new recruit a tour of the child army barracks in France and train the kid on how to make the most of an all-black wardrobe and how to lure dirty ass Brad Pitt to a bubble bath using a joint tied to a stick. A source (read: a first year intern who minors in Brangeloonism) tells Woman’s Day that Brad Pitt and Dame St. Angie Jolie are in the process of adopting a Syrian refugee she met in Turkey. “Hasn’t that poor child been through enough?” typed Scott Rudin whiled forwarding the Woman’s Day story to Amy Pascal.
The source says that St. Angie first met the 2-year-old kid named Moussa at the Altinozu refugee camp in Turkey and it was love at first sight. St Angie and Brad’s team confirmed that Moussa is an orphan and have been working on the adoption for the last few months. Meanwhile, Moussa is still at the refugee camp taking in “I see you’re going Hollywood” looks from the other orphans. The source spit out this stream of fanfic:
“Angelina heard about him from a translator and she was obviously upset, but Moussa was just beaming from ear to ear and when he saw she was wiping tears from her eyes he toddled up to her and gave her a hug and it was a very emotional moment and everyone was suddenly laughing and smiling. She kissed him on the top of his head and then they were basically inseparable for the rest of the visit.”
What kind of plot line for a sappy Super Bowl commercial? I’m surprised the “source” didn’t also say that the boy was blind but as soon as St. Angie Jolie’s angelic tears landed on his face, he could see again.
In other St. Angie news, there’s a rumor that Marvel wants St. Angie to direct the Captain Marvel movie. In other other St. Angie news, she and William Hague announced that they’re opening a Centre for Women, Peace and Security in London. I see what’s really going on here. St. Angie is going to use the Captain Marvel shoot as a front to train her child army. When you see pictures of St. Angie shooting a scene with tanks, the members of the child army will be driving those tanks. And in the basement of that new Centre will be the new child army training facility. The child army is growing and they’ll soon take over the world.
But seriously, Woman’s Day is about as reliable as Brian Williams, so that story probably isn’t true. I won’t believe it until St. Angie and Brad announce that they’ve adopted a 2-year-old boy from Syria that they’ve named Fax, Rolex, Mueslix or some other name that ends with an x.
Seen above looking like a snobby British schoolboy who is going through a chola phase without help from an actual chola, Goopy Paltrow was on Howard Stern today to promote that Mortdecai mess and a really, strange, bizarre thing happened. I listened to the entire interview and my eyes only rolled and bungee jumped out of their sockets three or four times. That might be a record.
Howard Stern usually gives the best interviews, because he gets deep and asks famous hos shit that nobody else asks like how much money they make and if they’re into anal. Howard didn’t ask Goopy any questions like that, but in his defense he probably knows that she doesn’t do butt sex since it’s pretty much impossible to do anal when your head is always shoved up your ass. Speaking of, she told Howard that she didn’t pull her head out of her ass until she turned 40. (Insert SureJan.GIF here)
Howard asked her about Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, that heave-inducing “conscious uncoupling” term, Jennifer Lawrence and the rumor that she stole the Shakespeare in Love role from Winona Ryder. I threw up a bunch of quotes after the cut. Your eyeballs don’t have to be scared about overworking themselves. They might only roll five or seven times.
If Billy Bob Thornton’s creepy “Yes, I stole a pair of dirty panties from your laundry basket and I sniff them while staring at the wall collage I made using the pictures I took of you leaving your house ” eyes make you want to blow a whistle and run into the arms of the nearest adult, you’re not alone. I’m holding onto my dog with one hand right now. He’s 61 in dog years. He counts as an adult.
After winning the Best Actor in a mini-series or TV movie Golden Globe for the acting stuff he’s done in Fargo, Billy Bob Thornton played a little game with reanimated Howdy Doody puppet, Billy Bush, and the unsettlingly peppy Kit Hoover of Access Hollywood. Billy and Kit copied Tina Fey and Amy Poehler by asking St. Angie Jolie’s second husband if he’d rather fuck Laura Jeanne Poon (Hollywood name: Reese Witherspoon) or Jennifer Aniston? Now, I’d go with Laura Jeanne Poon, because you know she’s a hardcore dom. She probably gets crazy, curses at you, spits at your face and says shit like, “Suck on this American citizen clit, bitch!” Jennifer Aniston probably stops halfway through to turn her Care Bear the other way because she doesn’t want it to see her getting down. Billy Bob went with ANISTON and said it’s one of his “lifelong goals.”
Billy and Kit then asked Billy Bob if he’d rather get with Keira Knightley or Jennifer Aniston. Billy Bob spit this out:
“Jennifer Aniston. How many times does it take to get this through your head?”
Billy Bob was definitely doing some grade A trolling, because Billy and Kit said that he kept saying Jennifer Aniston’s name after every single question they asked no matter what the question was. Billy and Kit also claim that they completely forgot that Billy Bob was once bonded in blood with St. Angie Jolie. Please. I know that NBC replaced Billy and Kit’s brains with a machine that only produces happy, peppy thoughts, but they knew what they were doing. Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston is using her Smart Water money to have a time machine built so she can go back to the year 2000 and bone Billy Bob before screaming at Angie, “I fucked your husband first, tramp!”
Here’s Billy Bob working those plugs while doing the Golden Globes party circuit with his partner Connie Angland.
According to UsWeekly, preparations are currently underway at Pope Castle (is that the name of the Pope’s house? I really should have paid more attention to my Catholic cousins) to receive the most important guests this side of Jesus: St. Angelina Jolie and her greasy glass of dirty bong water husband Brad Pitt. An insider says that St. Angie and The Funyun King have planned a trip to Italy for a “VIP meet-and-greet” at the Vatican with Pope Francis. I didn’t know the Vatican had a VIP package? I bet it comes with a Bible wrapped in Rolexes or something.
It might seem weird that Brad and Angie want to meet Pope Francis, considering Brad has admitted before that he flip-flops between agnosticism and atheism, but according to this insider, they both admire Pope Francis and “like the Pope’s message”. No word on whether or not St. Angie’s angel babies are going with them, but I’m going to guess probably not, because, really, what use would they have for the Pope? They’ve already been gifted with a lifetime of blessings (ie. staring into St. Angie’s miraculous cheese knife cheekbones every morning when they wake up, hearing her heavenly voice scream at Brad to “open a damn window and turn down COPS” every night as they drift off to sleep).
I know they’re trying to spin this visit like it’s some kind of celebrity Pope visit, but we all know what it really is; the first staff meeting of 2015 for Heaven’s on-Earth reps. If you hear of Bruce Jenner making a surprise trip to Italy sometime in the next couple of days, you’ll know why (he’s an angel to me). And I’m sure Angie has a lot to talk about this year too: famine, floods, poverty, but most importantly – Scott Rudin taking the Lord’s name in vain by referring to God’s favorite savior St. Angie as a spoiled brat.
And it looks like the angel St. Angie rode to Italy flew at the speed of light, because here she is arriving in Rome today:
I should certainly hope so; it’s only been a damn decade. Although imagine if she was still like “OMG such sad, please don’t ask – wound is still too new“? She’d basically be my friend’s melodramatic aunt who opens every conversation by reminding you that she just got divorced, even though her divorce papers have been tucked inside an old TV Guide with Steve Urkel on the cover since 1997. And yes, she makes the same crazy-eyed face Jennifer Aniston is making above every time she brings it up.
But Jennifer Aniston isn’t my friend’s divorce-obsessed aunt, apparently. During an interview with CBS Sunday Morning, Jenny was asked about all the BS tabloids who still want to talk about the drama surrounding her 2005 divorce from Brad Pitt, specifically if it bothers her that people are still bringing that shit up 10 years later. According to Jenny, Jenny don’t care:
“I don’t find it painful. I think it’s a narrative that follows you because it’s an interesting headline. It’s more of a media-driven topic.”
Meanwhile in a haunted castle high atop a dark mountain, a scheming St. Angie Jolie is plotting how to the spotlight away from Jennifer Aniston at the Golden Globes this Sunday night, just like how she thoughtlessly stole her husband years before – is a sentence that is probably being typed out right now by an intern at a tabloid somewhere.
I wish Jennifer would teach a class in how to be so zen about your exes. I have a couple exes who I’m on good terms with (aka I don’t curse the ground they walk on), but I also have 2 or 3 that did me dirty, and the mere mention of their names still makes my right eye twitch. I don’t know what Jennifer Aniston would suggest, but I hope it’s either booze or snuggling into a soft, pillowy Justin Theroux-sized pants bulge.
The holidays are over and famous actor types have taken off their bikinis and said goodbye to sunbathing their parts on a yacht in the Caribbean and put on a $10,000 borrowed designer gown to say hello to weeks of getting drunk on top shelf champagne while jacking off other famous actor types at award shows and film festivals. They all went back to “work” last night at the awards gala for the Palm Springs International Film Festival in wait for it… wait for it… Palm Springs, CA.
Reese Witherspoon won the Chairman’s Award for Wild, Julianne Moore and Eddie Redmayne won the Desert Achievement Award for Still Alice and The Theory of Everything, J.K. Simmons won the Spotlight Award for Whiplash, the cast of The Imitation Game won the Ensemble Cast Award and Rosamund Pike and David Oyelowo won the Breakthrough Performance Award for Gone Girl and Selma. And Bennyhill Custardsnatch and his fiancee of ten minutes Sophie Hunter walked away with the I See You Bitches Award.
Anyone who’s ever tried to get out of jury duty knows that shit is expert-level hard. You gotta make up lies about your cat needing 24-hour care and being severely allergic to legal jargon and the invisible talking grasshopper who told you that everyone who wears glasses is always guilty. But not Brad Pitt! According to The Daily Mail, Brad Pitt recently got out of jury duty on account of being Brad Pitt.
Last Friday, St. Angie’s husband showed up to the court house in downtown Los Angeles after receiving notification that he was needed for jury duty, but was reportedly turned away during the interview process because the court thought the presence of Oscar-winning superstar Brad Pitt in the jury box might be “too distracting” for people during the trial. An insider says Brad thought serving on a jury would be interesting and was actually hoping he’d get chosen for a short case, so I can imagine a whole lot of sadness snacks were eaten in the car ride back to Château du Cheekbones.
Celebrities serve on juries all the time, so I’m wondering what the real reason for was giving Brad the boot. It was probably because they knew there was a 96% chance he wouldn’t shower before he came to court and would end up stinking up the jury box with his damp nut smell and stale weed hair. No need to worry though – I’m sure Judge Jesus will select him for the jury that oversees the trial of St. Angie vs. Scott Rudin’s rude-ass comments about St. Angie in Heaven early next year.
Since St. Angie will be soaking in a calamine lotion bath until she finally gives in and uses her saintly powers to perform a miracle on herself and cure her chicken pox, someone had to go to the Unbroken premiere in Hollywood last night and represent the First Family of Heaven. I guess the twin messiahs were busy teaching the sun to shine brighter and that fierce HBIC in training Zahara couldn’t be bothered leaving the giant diamond she sleeps on, because St. Angie’s replacements were Brad Pitt, Pax Jolie-Pitt, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, and OG Maddox Jolie-Pitt. And they all dressed in matching suits! Well, all of them except for Brad, who decided to fuck a shirt and tie and went for the sleazy aging club promoter look with a wide-neck black t-shirt and gold chain instead. And what is with Brad and those damn sunglasses? Bitch, you ain’t Bono!
Personally, I think it’s adorable that St. Angie’s Lil’ Angels all wore matching suits. They look like at any moment, they’re going to leave the red carpet and take their golden chariot to the suburbs and spend the rest of the evening ringing people’s doorbells and asking them if they’ve accepted St. Angie as their skinny-armed lord and savior. Meanwhile, Brad looks like he’s about to bum $100 off Maddox so he can “split” and head for the Pink Taco on Sunset for some “taco nachos”. And no, that’s not a euphemism; he’s high as hell and wants $100 worth of shitty nachos.
Here’s more of The Heart Family of Heaven, as well as Brapi’s parents, and everyone else at the Unbroken premiere: