In “BREAKING NEWS if the year was 1996” news, Melissa Etheridge said in an interview with Australia’s Studio 10 (via People) that when she and her then-partner Julie Cypher were looking to have kids, they almost asked their then-good friend Brad Pitt to bust a load of baby-making leche into a plastic cup for them. This was all the way back in the olden days of the mid-90s before he was married to Jennifer Aniston and before he became the patriarch of the world’s holiest family. Melissa says that they ultimately decided not to ask Brad Pitt and instead asked David Crosby to jack out a nut for them.
No, these aren’t pictures from the Fighting the Hot Grand Championships of 2015. These pictures are from last night’s NYC premiere of The Big Short where Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling showed off the matching hairstyles they obviously got from Johnny Depp’s stylist.
I’m not even sure if this is the real Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling. Brad Pitt looks like what you would get if you put pictures of Aaron Sorkin, Suze Orman, Sliding Doors Goopy Paltrow and current day Johnny Depp in baby morphing software. That hair is either a 90s Nick Carter wig or that grey hair he had on his head the other day was a $2 Anderson Cooper wig from the Dollar General. And Ryan Gosling!
Ryan Gosling needs to pull out his phone and immediately delete the number of the trick who painted up his face like that. That’s a look that a goth high school kid would put together using baby powder and an old eyeliner pencil he stole from the back of his mother’s bathroom cabinet. Dude’s makeup is very newbie emo kid and it’s a tragedy. Ryan should cancel everything and immediately have an emergency FaceTime session with Jeremy Renner, because Hawkeye will teach him how to properly tame and work an eyeliner pencil.
Yes, I said “pizzazz” – I love a sassy mop of salt and pepper hair.
Brad Pitt is currently in Berlin filming that War Machine movie, which means he’s back to looking like an IKEA As Is section Anderson Cooper. The last time we saw Brad Pitt, he was working his signature greasy DILF look at the WSJ Innovator Awards two weeks ago. So is it a wig? Is it some Just for Men – Touch of Grey trickery? Whatever it is, I don’t hate it. Like, yes, he looks like a wealthy creep from a Lifetime movie. But he’s also sort of looks like what you’d get if mid-90s Brad Pitt ended up marrying Gwyneth Paltrow, quit showbusiness, moved to a gated community in Greenwich, Connecticut and became a dentist who makes all his patients call him “Doctor B“.
Here’s more of Brad looking super young in the face (maybe his character is fighting a war against wrinkles?) and old everywhere else while filming War Machine.
What’s the point of getting old if you’re not going to fully embrace your “get off my lawn” phase of life and retire from giving a fuck? Robert De Niro obviously gets it, because he’s been on a cranky roll lately and is reading bitches left and right.
Robert De Niro recently quit an interview, because he didn’t like the interviewer’s “negative questions” and told her, “I’m not doing this, darling.” And at the WSJ. Innovator Awards in NYC on Wednesday night, he verbally took a chancleta to a tech dude who made a joke. Page Six says that Stewart Butterfield (yes, that’s the name of a real person and not the name of a rejected Bond villain from the 70s), who co-founded Flickr and the app Slack, won an award and during his speech, he joked that he was a “long way from San Francisco” after pointing out all the famous people in the room. Stewart Butterfield then pointed out De Niro in the audience and said:
“I watched ‘Godfather II’ on the plane . . . when you killed Don Fanucci, I liked that.”
Well, Robert De Niro didn’t like that. De Niro got up to the mic to present St. Angie Jolie with an award, and before he did that, he spanked a bitch:
“Whoever the last speaker was . . . I thought you were a bit condescending to us actors . . . celebrities. I’m gonna go on record with you just to say that. And I don’t give a fuck who you are.”
Stewart Butterfield missed a good opportunity to really twist up De Niro’s chonies by saying “You talkin’ to me?” from the audience. But Stewart Butterfield did tweet that he loved getting trash talked by De Niro.
Yeah, Robert De Niro needs to get all the way over himself since actors aren’t untouchable jewels who shouldn’t be joked about, but at the same time I love a delusional old crotchety coot. I just want to follow him around for 5 minutes, because in that 5 minutes I’m sure he’d verbally abuse a pigeon for looking at him wrong and he’d try to fist fight his shadow for standing too close to him.
With that being said, his “give us precious actors the respect we deserve” slap down would’ve been 100% perfect if he added a “darling” to the end of it.
At WSJ. Magazine’s Innovator Awards the other night, St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt posed like two constipated stone pillars on Ambien. Well, they may have switched up their weed strain when they got to California, because at the AFI Festival screening of By The Zzzzz in Hollywood last night, they looked alive and Brad Pitt’s seven layers of bronzer nearly melted off of his mug as he stared at St. Angie Jolie’s holy beaded chichis. While Brad gave us “cruise ship restaurant maitre d’,” St. Angie Jolie wore a dress made from the curtains that used to hang in Liberace’s formal dining room. Brad must’ve been smoking up some serious shit in the car, because he’s doing the same, “Me? Stoned? Naw,” squint that I do after my fourth or fifth bowl.
The reviews for By The Sea are dribbling in and so far on Rotten Tomatoes there’s 5 shitty reviews and 1 good review, giving it only 17%. I skimmed some of the reviews and the ones I read said that it’s really beige (in more ways than one) and that it’s too damn boring to be campy. Here’s a quotes from RT:
If “By the Sea” weren’t so aggressively humorless, it might almost qualify as camp, so unsuccessful is its pursuit of weighty drama. Unintentional laughs are hard to come by here; instead, there are yawns aplenty. – The Wrap
An unabashed vanity project that struggles to turn its own beautiful inertia into a virtue. – Variety
Met with a tepid response at the opening night of this year’s AFI Film Festival, this languid piece of would-be art cinema will prove once again that even the biggest names in the world won’t draw an audience to something that, in and of itself, has no reason for being. – The Hollywood Reporter
I think all of that is fancy movie critic speak for: IT SUCKS.
We all better stock our end-of-the-world barracks with the good shit, booze, pork rinds and flip book porn, because I don’t need Opal Covey to tell me that God will wreak havoc on civilization if critics keep calling By The Sea a comatose turkey. God is obviously biased, because he should’ve destroyed this bitch when Hollywood ruined Jem.
The international Brangeloonie holiday known as Brangemas continues and at WSJ Magazine’s Innovator Awards in NYC last night, Dame St. Angie Jolie did a spot-on impersonation of an oily breadstick wrapped in a black napkin and Brad Pitt did a very good impersonation of a constipated and badly made John F. Kennedy wax figure.
Black had a slight panic attack the other night when St. Morticia Jolie showed up to an event with an actual color on her body, but it can stop deep breathing into a black paper bag, because last night she and Brad Pitt once again served up funeral home gloominess. In a few of the pictures of Brad, he looks a little pained in the face, so either he’s got the farts in a bad way or the Botox is having a hard time settling or St. Angie made the child army bathe him and the unfamiliar scent of soap is weirding him out.
When Duchess Kate wore a homely dress made out of dusty old curtains to the Spectre premiere in London, I joked that not even Dame St. Angie Jolie, the reigning empress of grandma dresses, would wear that matronly mess. Well, I sit corrected, because here’s St. Angie Jolie last night wearing a dowdy ass dress that could be directly related to Duchess Kate’s dowdy ass dress.
Last night, St. Angie and Brad Pitt blessed a City Cinemas theater in NYC by doing a Q&A after a screening of By The Sea. St. Angie looks like a 1970s cult leader’s wife going to the daytime wedding of someone she doesn’t really like and Brad Pitt looks like a standby in an all-grown-ups community theater production of Newsies who is always told to lighten up on the pancake makeup. I would do a “Who Wore It Better?” between St. Angie and Duchess Kate, but doing so would go against God and THE QUEEN, so I’ll just say that Tootsie wore it better since I’m sure she wore both dresses at one point.
And in other St. Angie stuff, she did an interview with The New York Times and the subject of Scott Rudin calling her a “minimally-talented spoiled brat” in those hacked Sony emails came up. St. Angie has refused to talk about that mess before, but she talked about it a little with the Times. She claims she didn’t read the e-mails (uh huh), but someone told her about them and it didn’t bother her that Scott Rudin trashed her. Sure, she called up heaven and told them to scratch his name off of the entrance list (and heaven let her know that they scratched his name off a long time ago for remaking The Stepford Wives), but she mostly cared about how Amy Pascal felt:
“Someone told me. There are certain things that bother me and certain things that don’t. Personal attacks on me? I think I’m just so used to it. Honestly, my first instinct was that I was worried about Amy. I had someone call her and ask if she was O.K. Not because I’m a saint, but because I think we have to look at the bigger picture. She’s got kids. I knew it was going to unravel for her.”
“Not because I’m a saint” is such a saint thing to say!
Every devoted Brangeloonie took a religious holiday today, because their gods Brad Pitt and St. Angie Jolie were on the Today show this morning to promote Mr. & Mrs. Smith Get The Arty Sads. While dressed up like they were going to a job interview, they talked with Tom Brokaw about the movie and her health. (Well, St. Angie mostly talked while Brad Pitt wondered if he could make a bong out of one of those red balls on the table.)
Here’s Brad Pitt looking like a seasoned gay hustler circa 1980 who advertises as a “Robert Redford lookalike” in the back pages of the Village Voice. What I’m saying is that Brad Pitt hasn’t looked this glamorous in a long time.
The Brangeloonie holiday season known as Brangemas has officially begun, because St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt’s new movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith Get Artsy comes out next month and so they’ve begun whoring it out. St. Angie already did the cover of Vogue and now it’s Brad Pitt’s turn to deliver some “freshmen at Barbizon” moves in a magazine. V Magazine released a few pictures and a few not-so-juicy quotes from the interview:
On making an ULTRA DRAMATIC 70s perfume commercial about the death of a marriage right after getting married: “It was probably not the wisest way to spend a honeymoon. But then again, fighting to make something together… What better metaphor for marriage? It’s not a film that responds to the current zeitgeist or storytelling-rather, a quiet, mature look at the challenges of love and adult loss.”
On why they decided to do By The Sea together: “The plan was to make something together, with complete autonomy, in the footsteps of Gena [Rowlands] and John [Cassavetes] – and keep it a family affair. We, by our own admission, were overdue. If I’m going to work, I want to work with my wife.
On how he’s got his PhD in boozing: “I play a good drunk because I’ve been a good drunk.”
On taking direction from St. Angie: “It’s surprising how much I enjoy the direction of my wife. She’s decisive, incredibly intuitive, knife-sharp, and might I say, sexy at her post. I trust her with my life.”
I threw an “uh huh” at Brad Pitt saying he loves it when St. Angie orders him round and tells him what to do. V should ask him the same question when he acts up and St. Angie makes him go into the time out corner where he throws a silent tantrum and punches the air because he knows she’s going to put him on weed restriction for a week. I bet he doesn’t like her bossing him around then!
Here’s more of Brad Pitt doing his best Robert Redford in V as well as pictures of St. Angie and the child army at LAX yesterday.
Since I know all of you go to church every single Sunday morning, don’t be too surprised when you find that all the Bibles in the pews have been replaced with November’s issue of Vogue. Who needs those stupid Psalms or whatever when you’ve got pictures of the entire chosen family to cleanse your dirty soul and wash away all your sins. Annie Leibovitz took all the pictures of Dame St. Angie Jolie and her child army frolicking along the beach in costumes. We should just go ahead and say goodbye to the Pacific Ocean right now. Because the hardcore Brangeloonies are going to make a pilgrimage to the California beach where these pictures were taken and are going to guzzle that water down since it was blessed by the feet of these earth deities.
St. Angie’s in November’s issue of Vogue, because she’s pushing that long-form 70s perfume commercial called By The Sea. I skimmed through the interview and she talks about the movie a little bit, but she mostly talks about saving the world and she also gets into talking about how she got her ovaries removed a few months ago.