The Daily Mirror says Brangie’s holy child army will have a budget they need to stick to during their hourly visits to the goddamn toy store, because St. Angie Jolie dropped a huge chunk of cash on a very special birthday present for Brad Pitt. Normal hos buy their a piece a bottle of butt lube (in scent: new car smell) for their birthday, but millionaire saints buy their piece a whole damn island.
The Mirror says that St. Angie bought the 11-acre Petra Island, which is about 50 miles off the coast of NYC. The name “Frank Lloyd Wright” makes Brad Pitt squirt and get all fangirly, so she pulled out $20 million from her pocket book when she found out that the island has two Lloyd Wrights on it. One house was built in 1950 and the main house was built in 2008 from one of Lloyd Wright’s plans. Some source said:
“As soon as Angelina heard the island was on the market she arranged a viewing. She was really impressed. The house is perfect for romantic getaways or as a family retreat. It’s very private. And Angelina knows the fact the island is in the shape of a heart will mean so much to him. The fact he could now live in a house designed by one of his idols will make this his best birthday present ever.”
But the daughter of the current owners tell E! that Petra Island isn’t going to become Brangelina Island anytime soon, because St. Angie didn’t buy it and it’s still for sale.
If St. Angie did buy that island, I see what she’s doing. They already have a compound in Los Angeles, a vineyard in France and now they might have their eyes on a huge island in New York. It’s obvious what’s going on here. They’re setting up camps and bases around the world for when the child army expands and finally takes over. It’s a good thing that Petra Island wouldn’t last that long if St. Angie did buy it for Brad. Because as soon as he sees it from above and realizes that it kind of looks like a giant floating weed bud, he’s going to smoke the entire thing up one tree leaf at a time.
Apparently, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are too busy being stellar human beings to really clue into the backlash of kids following in their actor parents’ footsteps, because Radar is reporting that Maddox Jolie-Pitt may star in a film adaptation of the comic Battling Boy, even though they shot down rumors a few years ago about the same project.
Someone needs to take the time to run all over hell’s half acre to collect the Jolie-Pitts from the four corners of the Earth, sit them down down and tell them the Smith family has effectively gathered up our patience for parent-led stardom, tied it to an Acme rocket and launched it out of the universe. Arguably, there may have been some success with Jaden but if you throw Willow into the mix, he’s pretty much been the Bill Murray to her Chris Elliot if nepotism was the auction in Groundhog Day. Plus, he ended up with a Kardashian which is negative points, right?
Even though Brad has had reservations in the past about putting the child army in movies, that hasn’t stopped Maddox from getting shot in the head in World War Z or Vivienne’s Little House on the Prairie 2.0 run in Maleficent. If they’re going to let any of their kids go into acting, I’m hoping they write a movie for Shiloh called Montenegro Style so once and for all, I can figure out what the fuck that even means.
The article also said that Brad and Maddox’s influence is reflected in the comic, down to some panels where the character’s expression matches some of Mad’s “signature facial expressions”. He’ 12. Don’t all kids that age have the same facial expressions because they hate every fucking thing everybody says and does? Maybe they’re referring to the silent look of terror Maddox gets in his eyes when he sees his mom thumbing through the newest Orphans R Us catalog.
Here’s your sobering thought of the day: it’s been over a decade since Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton adopted Maddox from Cambodia. Did we just all stare hopelessly out the window thinking ‘Oh god, what have I done with my life??‘ at the same time, like the mice in An American Tail? I think we did.
It feels like just yesterday Maddox was holding his mother’s hand as he exited toy stores all over the world (that’s all those kids seem to do, enter and exit toy stores), but that patchy teen ‘stache is proof that our little baby is all grown up. Teen Time Maddox is giving me serious Joseph Gribble vibes, and I’ll be honest; it’s working. I think 12-year-old me just tried to become science class partners with him (“Sorry Allison…I..uh…think I already have a partner…um…“). That teen ‘stache gives me comfort knowing that no matter how insanely rich and famous your family is, no one is exempt from their embarrassing, awkward pre-teen years. Maddox’s life right now is probably a never-ending cycle of Angie busting into his bedroom with a basket of clean laundry, and frantically trying to close his laptop as he screams: “Mom! Learn to knock, why don’t you?!?”
Maddox and Brad Pitt were on hand as Saint Angie received an honorary Oscar for her humanitarian work last night at the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences’ Governors Awards in Hollywood. Maddox looks adorable (that tiny tux!), Angie is bringing classic Angie (“Come! Kneel before me and bask in the light of my soul. 5 minutes should be enough to give you a good base tan”) so let’s talk Brad. His tight hair game and the disappearance of that raggedy Urban Outfitters scarf has me singing Guess who’s back/back again/hot Brad’s back/tell a friend. Let’s hope it lasts. Spoiler alert: it won’t. That scraggly beard imprinted on him a long time ago.
Here’s more of America’s most perfect family (I’m still not completely convinced they’re not a set of The Heart Family dolls that came to life one night) last night in Hollywood.
(Pics via Splash)
In the December issue of Esquire (via The Daily Mail), George Clooney his eyeballs at that fake bitch Russell Crowe, shows no love for Leonardo DiCaprio’s Pussy Posse and draws a heart around a picture of his forever bromate Brad Pitt.
A few years ago, bloated walrus Russell Crowe figuratively threw a hotel phone at George’s head when he called Clooney a sellout for getting a quick check by filming foreign commercials. Russell also called George a Frank Sinatra wannabe. George told Esquire that Russell later tried to apologize by sending him a book of poetry (the fuck?) and pulled his dick all the way by saying he was misquoted. George was not impressed with Russell’s little fake apology and probably used the pages from that book of poetry to wipe down his just-used strap-on.
“And that’s when he really went off on me. ‘Who the fuck does this guy think he is? He’s a Frank Sinatra wannabe.’ He really went after me. The truth is that [Russell Crowe] did send me a book of poems to apologize for insulting the shit out of me, which he did. I think he said “I was misquoted” and I was like, ‘Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”‘
You know George made a W with his fingers when he said “whatever.” I always thought George was more of a Dionne, but I guess he’s more of an Ambular.
After George finished calling out Russell, he spilled some shit about Leo. George and his friends once played a basketball game against Leo and the Pussy Posse. Before the game, the Pussy Posse said they were going to “kick some ass.” George didn’t like this and let out a cackle when he and his friends won 11-0.
“And the discrepancy between their game and how they talked about their game made me think of how important it is to have someone in your life to tell you what’s what. I’m not sure if Leo has someone like that.”
Yeah, I’m sure Leo surrounds himself with ass-sucking hos who tell him that his farts smell like strawberries and cream, but so does George (see: Sarah Larson, Stacy Keibler, that other one, that other one and the other ones I am so not going to Google) I’m sure AND it was just a damn game of basketball. It’s not that serious. George acts like a stupid game of basketball is as sacred as a game of Mall Madness.
When George finished slightly dragging Leo and Russell, he blew air kisses at Brad for suffering through all the re-shoots for World War Z (WHY WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE RICH MALE MOVIE STARS?!!!). And George said this about why he’s not on Twatter:
“Why on God’s green earth would you be in Twitter? I mean, when you see, like, Ashton Kutcher coming out and going, you know, “Everybody leave Joe Paterno alone,” or whatever he said, you just go “Fifteen minutes longer and a thought process and probably you wouldn’t have done that.”
“…IN Twitter?” George just has to tell me that my gut doesn’t look as big as usual and he’d officially be my mom. IN Twitter!
I can’t co-sign everything that spilled out of George’s mouth, but I love it when grown rich dudes talk shit about each other. Fuck the GOOP vs. Vanity Fair feud. This award season is going to be all about watching George throw bitchy mean girl looks at those skanks Leo and Russell. I can’t wait for the Golden Globes when the camera will pan to George and Russell coldly hugging in the audience as George says to Russell, “Ew, I can totally see your split ends.” And George is totally going to try to steal Lukas Haas from Leo and if Danielle Spencer wasn’t 10 years too old, he’d try to snatch her away from Russell and hire her as his award season escort.
Here’s George and others (including Lupita Nyong’o, Borat, Ralph Fiennes and Kelly Rowland’s tits) at the BAFTA LA Britannia Awards last night.
Whenever you’re outside and inhale a stank cloud of something that smells like a used tampon marinating in a cow’s hot b-hole, you would probably be one hundred percent correct if you said, “Hmm, I think Brad Pitt was just here!” “Brad Pitt’s armpit fumes could burn the hair off a pig’s snout” is a story older than time, but America’s foremost literary journal of truth The National Enquirer says that his pits will soon be declared weapons of mass destruction, because he’s completely stopped using deodorant and soap.
Some source says that since Brad Pitt is of the land and all green and shit, he has crapped on soaps and deodorants, and is using a natural potion of lemon, water and apple cider vinegar to rinse the thick layer of pore cheese off his body. Bitch probably smells like a caesar salad that’s been left out in the sun too long. The source claims that Brad’s stank is stankier than ever and whenever he’s home, the child army puts on gas masks and Super Glues Little Trees to his body.
“Brad says he’s read up on the toxins of soap – especially the antibacterial ones – and feels that using them and antiperspirants is not only bad for the planet, but it also speeds up the aging process in humans. But Angie was revolted, and their kids even started calling him ‘Stinky Daddy.’ Angie agreed to humor him only as long as they weren’t on the same continent.”
The source also says that when St. Angie and Brad met up in Hong Kong recently, she made him take a bubble bath. (Why am I picturing that scene from Beethoven’s Big Break when they try to give Beethoven’s dirty, filthy, slobbery ass a bath and he escapes? More importantly, why am I admitting that I’ve seen Beethoven’s Big Break?)
Brad Pitt probably thinks he’s helping out the environment by not using soap, but he’s not. It’s only a matter of time before the coagulated jelly in his ass crack and the layer of meaty fromage around his peen mutates and emotes a toxic stench that will make every living thing choke and die. Isn’t that how Z for Zachariah started?
St. Angie Jolie is gracing Australia with her holy presence while she directs that Unbroken movie over there and Brad Pitt is in England shooting that World War II movie with Shia LaDouche, so the child army has been split up. Brad took the Chosen Ones, who are looking more and more like early days Hanson, to Legoland Windsor and The Daily Mail says that he’s so real and so of the people that he waited in line with the regulars and didn’t use the “I’m Brad Fucking Pitt” card to cut to the front. Bitch, please. Brad Pitt probably hired a Brad Pitt decoy to wait in line, while he cut to the front, to make it look like he’s real and of the people. Because what’s the point of being famous if you’re not going to use that fame to skip the long ass annoying lines at amusement parks?
And because of that haircut and those clothes, Brad Pitt looks like the sensitive and low-ranking member of a crime family who’s been ordered to guard the mob boss’ chirruns.
Yes, I’d hit it, but I’m not talking about Brad. I’m talking about the hot bodyguard who looks like Stretch Armstrong’s silver-topped daddy.
Shia LaDouche and fellow dick cheese-grower Brad Pitt have been spending a lot of time together for a movie they’re doing called Fury. LaDouche and Brad spent time together while visiting the Fort Irwin National Training Center in June (pic above) and they also spent three long days together camping out in the wilderness with some of their other cast mates. Fury’s director David Ayer wanted them to bond. Shia and Brad were in one tent together and even though they are both naturally greased up and ready to go, I’m sure the only pipe they smoked in there was a weed pipe.
A source tells UsWeekly that Shia, Brad and the other dudes were dropped in the middle of the forest in Buckinghamshire, England on September 16th and they weren’t picked up until September 17th. Their phones were taken away and they had to find their own food. The source said this:
“They play soldiers in the same World War II troop, and the director wanted to make sure they bonded. So he dropped them in the wilderness — without their cellphones! They must have gotten pretty cozy in the tents they were sharing.”
I like how the source is making it sound like they ate each other’s asses in that tent. (Well, they did need to fill their stomachs with a hearty source of protein…) It’s kind of hard for Brad and LaDouche to get sexy with their cast mates choking and almost dying on the rancid fumes wafting off of their bodies.
You know, that director is extremely environmentally irresponsible for putting Brad and LaDouche in the same tent together. Does he know what kind of toxic, ozone layer-killing fumes were made when LaDouche and Brad rubbed up against each other while spooning to keep warm? All of the woodland creatures probably quit that bitch, because they couldn’t take the stench, and that screwed up the balance of that forest. Putting LaDouche and Brad in the same tent is an act of eco-terrorism! POLICE!
(Pic via Facebook)
Five days ago, Brad Pitt still had a fall of greasy hair on his head and most of it is gone. Brad Pitt no longer looks like Jennifer Aniston if Jennifer Aniston mixed her Botox with testosterone and liquid THC. Brad Pitt debuted his newly shaved head for the paps on the set of his movie Fury in England yesterday. Most are assuming that he chopped his hair off for the movie, but I’m going to choose to believe that Maddox and the rest of the child army were sick of him shedding all over the place so they took a Flowbee to his head while he was in a stoner coma.
Being the saint that he is, I’m sure Brad Pitt donated his locked to charity. Brad Pitt’s hair is probably 90% THC and completely smokeable, so he donated it to the British charity Stoners In Need. If you see a stoner wandering around England and muttering to himself about architecture and inevitableness, you know what they’ve been smoking.
The Oscars are a million months away, but Brad Pitt has already started Googling the question “What is the easiest way to turn an Oscar statue into a bong?” because everyone’s saying that he could have his fingers around one next year. No, he’s not going to get one for acting. Are you bitches crazy? Brad Pitt is one of the producers of 12 Years A Slave (not to be confused with the title of Bruce Jenner’s upcoming memoirs, 22 Years A Slave), which everyone is freaking out about. Audiences threw Oscar statues at it when it screened at the Telluride Film Festival last week, and it got a standing ovation at the Toronto International Film Festival last night. Vulture and others think that it will win Best Picture and if it does Brad will finally get his Oscar bong!
In 12 Years A Slave, Chiwetel Ejiofor plays a free man who is kidnapped in DC and sold as a slave to a real vicious cuntbag of a Louisiana plantation owner played by Michael Fassbender. Director Steve McQueen, who also directed Shame, directs a cast that also includes Bendadick Cumsinbatches, Brad Pitt, Alfre Woodard, Paul Dano, Paul Giamatti, Sarah Paulson, Lupita Nyong’o and Quvenzhané Wallis. They’re saying Oscar noms will go to Steve McQueen for Best Director, Chiwetel for Best Actor and Michael Assbender for Best Supporting Actor. Here’s the trailer:
And here’s the cast at the Toronto International Film Festival last night. Brad is giving me shades of current day Val Kilmer, but at least he shaved that wolfey butt bush off his face.
Here’s St. Angie Jolie, Pax, a purple bear, Vivienne, Knox and a mutated bong full of hair grease strolling through Haneda International Airport in Tokyo today. They’re all there for the Japanese premiere of World War Z. Maddox, Shiloh and Zahara didn’t come along, because they have better things to do like defend the family iPad against thieves.
1. Is Brad Pitt’s crotch area droopy because his peen barfed out a huge load of grease or is that where he hides his stash?
2. Do you think St. Angie’s pants were originally used as grasshopper antenna covers, because I did not know it was possible to make pants that small for adult humans.
3. And more importantly, am I the only who’s getting the full-body puckers from looking at that giant tanned bodyguard with a pink JanSport? Everybody please move ALL the way to the left, because I need to see more of that pink backpack-carrying orange Hulk.