Category: Brad Pitt

The Look Or Not The Look: St. Angie Jolie With A Parched Strawberry Blonde Wig On Her Head

October 30, 2014 / Posted by:

Dame St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt (no titles) are still in Malta shooting their own Eyes Wide Shut titled By The Sea and the other day a guest star made an appearance on her head. It’s nice to know that the dehydrated, thirsty, Pedialyte-needing creature that was on Beyonce’s head a little while ago grew outs its bangs, reinvented itself as a strawberry blond and found a new job on St. Angie’s head.

By The Sea takes places in the 70s, which is obviously why she looks like the 70s spit up all over her. St. Angie looks like a frazzled housewife circa 1974 who leaves her cheating politician husband after he’s involved in a cheating scandal and joins a cult that believes only weak humans eat food and superhuman get all their nourishment from eating air. Yes, I got all that from one picture and I haven’t even hit the bong yet. Since St. Angie wanted her character to go blond, she should’ve left that dead cat wig alone and brought back her greatest look of all-time. Her Life Or Something Like It look:

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That sixth-rate Dolly Parton impersonator hair… Those faded Dracula brows… Now that is glamour. That IS the look.

Pics: FameFlynet

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St. Angie’s Hobo Husband Made An Appearance On “Between Two Ferns”

October 23, 2014 / Posted by:

Brad Pitt, a man that with every passing year starts to look more and more like the long-lost illegitimate son of the Zig-Zag man (Maury, get on that), made an appearance on Zach Galifianakis’ “Between Two Ferns” to promote that WW2 movie where he plays a dude with the same haircut as every hipster who owns a coffee shop in Silver Lake (aka Fury). Poor Brapi; I can only imagine how disappointed he was when he walked on set and realized the two ferns he’d be in between weren’t weed plants. And yet, why do I get the feeling he probably tried to smoke them anyway?

My favorite episodes of “Between Two Ferns” are the ones where Zach Galapagos Islands and his guest throw subtle shade before reading each other to FILTH (see: Zach vs. President Barack Obama). But that never really happens here, because Brapi appears to have just woken up from his 2pm stoner nap and is too tie-tie to make with the funny. Case in point:

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This is the face Brad made right after Zach brought out Louis CK. And now we know what St. Angie sees whenever she follows the trail of Funyun crumbs from the kitchen into the den and finds Brad staring at the light switch. “But where does the light go when I turn it off? It’s a mystery, man.

And while it was nice of Zach to gift Brad with a “bassoon”, he doesn’t actually have any use for it. Hanging around St. Angie and the chosen ones all day is enough to make anyone feel higher than an LSD-dipped ‘shroom sandwich. It’s true! I’ve actually heard that smelling St. Angie’s hair is a big problem for teenage angels at Heaven High.

Shia LaBeouf’s “Method Acting” Is The Reason Why He Got Fired From A Broadway Play And Ended Up In Jail

October 19, 2014 / Posted by:

Seen above looking like a dirty hot, dick jelly-ridden hitchhiker that you picked up one night and had messy fuck times with in a motel room before waking up the next morning to find out that he stole your car and gave you crabs, Shia LaBeouf tells Interview Magazine (via Page Six) that “method acting” is what led him to a jail cell and is what got him pink-slipped from the Broadway play Orphans. When Shia got fired from Orphans for being difficult  and he started terrorizing homeless guys in Times Square, some blamed it on Shia being Shia and others blamed it on booze, the bad shit or a mental breakdown. Shia tells Interview that the only drug to blame is AC-TING! It took him a while, but Shia finally played the Joaquin Phoenix card.

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Brad Pitt Doesn’t Have A Soul And It’s The Paparazzi’s Fault

October 16, 2014 / Posted by:

RIP that field of greens. Because 30 minutes after this picture was taken, those greens were nothing but ash in Brad Pitt’s bong.

Brad Pitt is on the cover of Details to whore out that movie whose title I always read as Furry (Side note: What the world really needs is a war movie starring Furries) and he gets deep. Well, as deep as Brad Pitt can go. Brad takes a page out of Kristen Stewart’s Book of Deep Thoughts by saying that the soul-stealing paparazzi are stealing his bliss and he also farts at the mouth about how he’s not a shitty dad.

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FYI: Brad Pitt Has Owned A Gun Since Kindergarten

October 15, 2014 / Posted by:

(“Michael, did you accidentally mix battery acid into your cup of Sanka this morning, because that’s the only explanation for why you posted a picture of a Johnny Hallyday wax statue in a post about Brad Pitt.” – you)

Brad Pitt lives in mansion where red laser beams protect the halls, an army of security guards patrol every corner and ninjas trained by Child Army Captain Maddox cling to the ceiling, but he says that he doesn’t feel one hundred percent safe unless he’s got a gun in the house. Brad is promoting that army movie Fury in the UK and during an interview with Britain’s Radio Times (via The Independent) the topic of guns came up and he said that he grew up with guns, he got his first gun at the age of 6, he fired his first handgun at 8 and you’ll have to rip his gun out of his cold, stoned hand. Actually, that wouldn’t be hard. If you want Brad to drop his gun. Just wave a joint at him. Brad put it like this:

“There’s a rite of passage where I grew up of inheriting your ancestors’ weapons. My brother got my dad’s. I got my grandfather’s shotgun when I was kindergarten. The positive is that my father instilled in me a profound and deep respect for the weapon.”

The NYDN also brought out a quote Brad Pitt spit out a while ago about how he just feels better knowing that he’s got a gun nearby: “I don’t feel the house is completely safe if I don’t have one hidden somewhere. That’s my thinking, right or wrong.”

I know hos who feel the same way Brad does and I know hos who feel the opposite way. As my ass gets older and I start to watch way too much 48 Hours and THE NEWS!!!!, I get more and more paranoid. So I keep pepper spray next to my bed, which is genius if you think about. If somebody ever does break in, the darkness mixed with confusion will cause me to pepper spray myself in the face. I should just keep an iPod loaded with a Justin Bieber song next to me. That’s the deadliest weapon of all.

If I was Brad Pitt, I’d probably feel pretty safe without a gun too, because if anybody breaks in they’ll have to deal with a team of security guards, the child army and Dame St. Angie Jolie who will hypnotize the intruder with her ethereal graciousness and touch their chest, turning their criminal heart into a good heart.

Here’s Brad looking like a hobo Weekend at Bernie’s at the premiere Fury in NYC last night.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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Um, Shouldn’t THE QUEEN Be Curtsying To THE SAINT?

October 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Malala Yousafzai became the youngest Nobel Peace Prize winner in history today (“Malala, you’re welcome for the recommendation, by the way” – Justin Bieber) and the day should belong to her and it did belong to her until St. Angie Jolie came along and stole her glory!

Back in June, the British royals announced that they were adding the title of “Dame” to St. Angie Jolie’s mountain of other titles (e.g. Saint, The Second Coming, Great Royal Home Wrecker, Our Lady Of Condom Shoes, etc…). Today at Buckingham Palace in London, THE QUEEN made it official by dame’ing St. Angie Jolie while throwing a look that said, “Reminder to self: Fish out that jam-covered crumpet I keep in my pocketbook and give it to this malnourished child.” THE QUEEN’s Corgis were seen around Buckingham Palace with clothespins on their noses and that could only mean one thing: stinky ass Brad Pitt was in the building. Brad Pitt and the entire child army were there when THE QUEEN presented St. Angie with the insignia of an Honorary Dame Grand Cross of the Most Distinguished Order of St Michael and St George for helping to save the world, specifically for her campaign work fighting sexual violence and for services to UK foreign policy.

The Telegraph says that since St. Angie Jolie isn’t a Brit, she can’t use the title of Dame, but she can throw the initials DCMG after her name. (“Oh, does DCMG stand for Depraved Conniving Man Grabber?” – Jennifer Aniston circa 2005)

St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt were reportedly invited to George Clooney’s intimate, low-key wedding in Venice, but they didn’t go, because they were too busy shooting their version of Eyes Wide Shut called By The Sea in Malta. They’re still shooting that movie, so I guess St. Angie only makes time for real queens, not STUNT QUEENS.

Here’s more of St. Angie looking like Lady Tremaine in an Easter suit while getting honored by THE QUEEN.

Pics: Wenn.com

Being A Father Makes Brad Pitt, A Rich Man, Feel Like The Richest Man Alive

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

I see Psychologies Magazine subtly coming at newlywed Brad Pitt by putting that “Why do you really want to get married?” cover line next to him.

In case you didn’t already know, Brad Pitt and St. Angie Jolie have kids. Like some people who have kids, they love their kids and really, really, REALLY, really love talking about how much they love their kids. Brangie is that bitch on Facebook who posts cheesy open poems to their baby who can’t read yet and always goes on about how they’re thinking of having their angel son’s DNA tested because they’re beginning to think he’s the biological child of the sun, moon and stars. But since St. Angie and Brad aren’t on Facebook (that us peons know of)  they have to drool about being parents during interviews. The world is their Facebook.

While talking to Psychologies Magazine (via E! News) about his new movie Fury, Brad Pitt dribbled out verbal streams of syrupy love about being a father.

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Brad Pitt Is A Miserable Bastard Loner And A Director Snob, Says Brad Pitt

September 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Sorry, you’ll have to give me a moment – I’m trying to make sense of Brad Pitt’s janky facial hair on the cover of GQ. Why does it look like his beard is running away from his moustache? And why does his chin look like an elderly badger after a bikini wax? “Oooh girl, let your garden grown!”  said some elderly badgers.

Brapi gave an interview to British GQ where talked about his gorgeous hair in Interview with the Vampire and what the hell was up with St. Angie’s wedding dress. NO! I wish. He actually talked about pretentious Hobo Brad shit (all of which is super-fun to read in Taran Killam’s Brad Pitt voice):

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Brangelina Got $5 Million For Pictures Of Their Holy Royal Wedding

September 4, 2014 / Posted by:

When both People and Hello! published EXCLUSIVO pictures of the most important royal wedding since the Duchess of Alba married that young trick, I figured that both People and Hello! would shut down, because they cleared out their accounts, sold off a few of their employees and even sucked dick for $2 a piece under a bridge to pay Brangelina. Radar says that the pictures did sell for a lot of coins, but People and Hello! didn’t have to liquidate everything to buy them. Brangie donated the money to their charity like they always do.

Some source tells Radar that People paid $2.5 million for the US rights and Hello! paid $2.5 million for the international rights. St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt used a Getty photographer they always use. The money went directly to The Maddox Jolie Pitt Foundation which supports different humanitarian projects around the world. Yeah, uh huh, I’m sure all the money donated to The Maddox Jolie Pitt Foundation isn’t used to fund the growing child army that will one day battle the Duggars to become the most powerful overlords on the planet. I’m sure. Radar’s source said this:

“Brad and Angelina knew their would be tremendous interest in their wedding pictures, and decided to donate the money to their charitable foundation. The couple has done this numerous times in the past.”

According to Wikipedia, the first pictures of the Chosen Ones, Knox and Vivienne Jolie-Pitt, still hold the record for the most expensive celebrity pictures. People and Hello! paid $15 million total for those pictures in 2008.

Meanwhile, Ashlee Simpson can’t even get 15 pesos and a dirty condom for the pictures of her wedding with Diana Ross’ pretty-faced son. Dumbass Ashlee. If she let Papa Joe be in her wedding party and let him wear his outfit of a choice (a rhinestone-encrusted mesh tuxedo with a grey camouflage thong and white cowboy boots), her wedding pictures would’ve broken ALL the records.

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BREAKING: James Haven Was At The Holy Wedding Of The Century After All

September 2, 2014 / Posted by:

Okay, so I can stop sending hate mail to “St. Angie, c/o God, Heaven, 051322″ (Yes, Heaven’s zip code is Bea Arthur’s born day and that’s no coincidence) for not inviting her brother and the human equivalent of STAINS, James Haven, to her wedding, because it turns out he was at her wedding and sat in the front row. Earth, that’s your cue to start spinning again.

When E! News squirted out details of St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt’s wedding in France, they said that mutated white dog turd Jon Voight wasn’t there, because he wasn’t invited, but they didn’t say anything about James Haven. But this morning, Lainey posted scans from Brangie’s wedding spread in Hello! and there was the bulgey-eyed distinguished salamander standing in the front row and looking off into the distance, because he knew that if he laid his Slinky Dink eyes on St. Angie, he wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to suck the bride’s face and he wanted to save that move for when they danced to the “Flowers In The Attic” theme song during the reception.

E! claims that Shiloh and the boys of the Child Army wore cream linen suits and I knew that had to be wrong, because the child army would never dress like a Southern grandpa going to Easter service. Instead, they dressed up like a cross between Justin Timberlake during his copy + paste Robin Thicke phase and Amish businessmen.

And here’s a pic of Maddox and Shiloh getting the giggles during the ceremony.

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They’re either laughing because they know their parents are about to bring the grossness by doing kissing stuff or they got contact stoned from standing so close to Brad Pitt. Or Maddox is laughing because he just looked at his mom’s mess of a dress and spotted the doodle he drew of a single tear falling into a bowl of cake batter (a wink to his former arch rival Aniston).

And here’s Brad giving you Weekend At Bernie’s chic while leaving a hotel in NYC on Sunday.

Pics: Splash

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