Apparently in the giant legal mess that is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s ongoing custody battle for their six children, Brad has been playing the part of the saintly blonde angel who, up until recently, has been too busy strumming his tiny gold harp to engage in nastiness against his ex. But according to UsWeekly, he’s no longer known as Mr. Nice Guy.
Time for another update in the Brangelina divorce and custody saga, but don’t worry: this will be a quick one.
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been trying to divorce for millennia (real time: two years) and recently things have been escalating. First it was reported Angelina got word-slapped by a judge for not letting Brad have enough time with the brood. Then we learned Brad was dating a genius MIT professor who ended up being way too smart for him and she ended up sticking with her billioniare hedge fund boyfriend. And now we have another update to all of this highly-relevant and highly-exciting information.
Brad Pitt is going to be spending a lot more time with his children now that a judge (who I’m guessing has since been swallowed up by Hell for fucking with St. Angie Jolie) ordered St. Angie to stop keeping their kids from him. But sadly, the child army isn’t going to get laughs from watching daddy’s brain slowly melt out of his ear holes as his architect/MIT professor girlfriend Neri Oxman says hard words like “chair” and “table” while talking about architecture. Because Page Six says that Brad has lost out on his very own Amal Clooney. Neri has decided to stick with her hedge fund billionaire boyfriend.
Brad Pitt may be Brad Pitt, but he’s also got six kids and is in the middle of a chunky shit storm of a divorce fight with a controlling ex. Listening to your boyfriend scream at his ex over the phone as the child army covers you with shaving cream and toilet paper as a joke < sucking on champagne-covered diamonds out of a crystal flute on a private jet to some island you’ve never heard of as your billionaire boyfriend makes big money deals on the phone. That bitch Brad didn’t stand a chance.
A Judge Dared To Tell St. Angie Jolie That She’ll Lose Primary Custody Of Kids If She Doesn’t Let Them See Brad Pitt
St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt’s divorce battle royale has lasted longer than By The Sea (which was only 2 hours and 12 minutes, but felt like a 20-year coma which you pray you stay in so you don’t have to wake up to their overacting), and one of the major things they’re fighting over is the custody arrangement of their child army. Apparently, Angie has been “err” about sharing custody with the child army because she doesn’t trust Brad to not bust out another drunk dad meltdown. Recently, there was a rumor that Angie was pissed that she couldn’t move her kids to London where she’s filming Maleficent 2 because Brad didn’t want to leave Los Angeles. UsWeekly says that a new temporary custody agreement has been reached, and what the judge in the case said to Angie may cause horns to sprout out of her head before she wreaks havoc on the American judicial system. The judge spit at her for keeping the kids from their father, and threatened to rip primary physical custody out of her claws if she doesn’t play nice. As one of my favorite philosophers of 2010 said: Oh here go hell come!
Have you ever been drunk at a party when someone whips out the old “What would you do if you could go back in time” game? For me, I think I might like to go back to the mid-90s and secretly watch hot-era Brad Pitt go all Dirty Harry on Harvey Weinstein.
According to Page Six, if Angelina Jolie had her druthers, the child army would be grabbing their Europe summer bags (they probably have pre-packed luggage for every season and continent at the ready) and headed to London to be with her while she films Maleficent 2. But no matter how many withering sighs (band name alert!) she utters, Angie can’t get around the rules of her ongoing custody battle with William Bradley Pitt. Us Weekly reports that Brad purposefully chose projects filming in Los Angeles and rearranged his summer schedule just so he can spend time with the kids.