Since St. Angie will be soaking in a calamine lotion bath until she finally gives in and uses her saintly powers to perform a miracle on herself and cure her chicken pox, someone had to go to the Unbroken premiere in Hollywood last night and represent the First Family of Heaven. I guess the twin messiahs were busy teaching the sun to shine brighter and that fierce HBIC in training Zahara couldn’t be bothered leaving the giant diamond she sleeps on, because St. Angie’s replacements were Brad Pitt, Pax Jolie-Pitt, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, and OG Maddox Jolie-Pitt. And they all dressed in matching suits! Well, all of them except for Brad, who decided to fuck a shirt and tie and went for the sleazy aging club promoter look with a wide-neck black t-shirt and gold chain instead. And what is with Brad and those damn sunglasses? Bitch, you ain’t Bono!
Personally, I think it’s adorable that St. Angie’s Lil’ Angels all wore matching suits. They look like at any moment, they’re going to leave the red carpet and take their golden chariot to the suburbs and spend the rest of the evening ringing people’s doorbells and asking them if they’ve accepted St. Angie as their skinny-armed lord and savior. Meanwhile, Brad looks like he’s about to bum $100 off Maddox so he can “split” and head for the Pink Taco on Sunset for some “taco nachos”. And no, that’s not a euphemism; he’s high as hell and wants $100 worth of shitty nachos.
Here’s more of The Heart Family of Heaven, as well as Brapi’s parents, and everyone else at the Unbroken premiere:
During an interview with Australia’s Today Show (via Daily Mail), Dame St. Angie spoke about her and Brad Pitt’s upcoming film/gift to the Brangeloonies, By The Sea, and admitted that some of the other angels in Heaven questioned whether or not it was a good idea for her to direct and star with her new husband in a movie about a couple who’s marriage is in a bad way:
“We haven’t acted together for ten years, so we decided we would do it again and we did a very small drama about family, about marriage in fact. We did a drama about a bad marriage. A lot of friends of ours thought is was a really…they didn’t say a bad idea, but they asked us a few times if we were sure we wanted to do that.”
I guess the angels were afraid of an art-imitating-life situation where playing an on-screen couple whose marriage is in the toilet might kill their own marriage and causing the universe to explode. Those angels – so thoughtful. But they should know that Dame St. Angie would never do anything that would put her marriage to soap’s nemesis Brad Pitt in trouble; even if the movie did kill their marriage, she has the power to perform miracles and bring it back to life, remember? Silly angels, it’s St. Angie we’re talking about.
And here’s Heaven’s Ambassador to Earth, Our Lady of Perpetual Cheekbones Dame St. Angie of the People at the photo call for the other movie she directed, Unbroken, in Berlin. Someone should tell DSt.A that just because she’s in Berlin doesn’t mean she has to dress like Dieter from Sprockets.
Sleepy-voiced grandpa Tom Brokaw must have some pull with God, because he was recently given the honor of sitting down with Heaven’s Ambassador to Earth Dame St. Angelina Jolie for an interview for the TODAY show. No, it’s actually because he’s making a documentary with her about the making of her film Unbroken (working title: Unbroken: The Story of St. Angie’s Twig-Like Arms).
And speaking of grandpas, Tom opens the interview by asking Angie a point-blank question about her marriage to human drug rug Brad Pitt, specifically if anything has changed since they made it legal. This is where I thought DSt.A was going to hiss “Well, we’ve started having more smoke-filled fights on a fancy balconies, for one thing” but she says the only thing that’s really changed is that she’s still trying to get used to being a wife.
“I think we have more moments where I say, ‘I’m going to be a better wife! I’m going to learn to cook,’ and he says, ‘Oh honey, know what you’re good at, know what you’re not.’ He knows my limitations and where I’m a good wife and a good mom.”
Oh, how sweet of Dame St. Angie to pretend she’s bad at something! That’s really very kind of her to act like she doesn’t wake up every morning on a bed of baby angel wings, float down the stairs of Château du Cheekbones, perform a series of breakfast miracles like turning water into freshly-squeezed orange juice and poaching eggs with the warmth of her heart, then chuckling a lighthearted laugh when Brad shuffles into the kitchen, bypasses the beautiful spread she’s created, and pours milk directly into a box of Lucky Charms.
And here’s Dame St. Angie of the People at the UK premiere of Unbroken looking like a skinny alien clone of Kate Middleton.
A few hours before this picture of Dame St. Angie Jolie saying to Brad Pitt, “Bitch, wipe that smirk off of your face and take your bitch ass outside in 5, because I’m not done with you,” was taken, a paparazzo took pictures of the Jesus and Mary of our time having a fight on the balcony of their hotel in Sydney. Please, we all know those two are perfect messiahs who only know how to spread love and peace. That fight was obviously staged to make them look human. What’s next? Leaked pictures of the supposed turd St. Angie dropped in a public toilet to make us think she actually shits?
The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day (via ONTD) put the pictures in a riveting video set to some weird song they bought for cheap. Woman’s Day says that St. Angie and Brad busted out a balcony tussle just hours after they reunited in Sydney. They obviously weren’t over their fight, because some source says that at the Unbroken premiere that night, they were as stiff as the chonies Brad Pitt hasn’t taken off for 3 weeks.
Brad, 50, downed a Crown Lager at the early hour of 10am and the pair were both seen clutching cigarettes as their intense discussion raged on. Industry insiders tell Woman’s Day that the tensions could be down to Ange’s hectic workload in the past year.
By 6pm that same day, Brad and Ange had pasted on happy smiles for the cameras as their first red-carpet event as a married couple and greeted a throng of fans on the way to Sydney’s State Theatre.
Despite arriving together in a black Land Rover, they barely looked at each other at the event –Brad busied himself signing autographs, while Ange focused on speaking to the assembled media on the other side of the road.
The video with the pictures in it is here. Because Brad has his arms wide open, it sort of looks like they’re playing a really boring 2-ho game of charades and he’s trying to describe Kim Kartrashian’s ass on Paper Magazine. The pictures are pretty suspect, though. I mean, did the pap wear a gas mask, because it’s weird that they didn’t drop their camera and pass out on the ground after Brad Pitt released a toxic BO smoke monster by lifting up his arms. And of course that’s not nicotine St. Angie’s inhaling. It’s the dried blood of virgins. She smokes it to recharges her powers.
I can’t wait to see these pictures on the cover of Star over the words, “Brangelina Have NUCLEAR Fight After Brad Gets Caught Texting A Heart Emoji To Jen!”
Here’s St. Angie taking Zahara and Shiloh to buy art supplies in NYC over the weekend.
At the premiere of Unbroken (which again, is not a RobstenIsUnbroken propaganda documentary about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart) in Sydney tonight, Dame St. Angie Jolie showed up looking like a beef bone that my abuelita wrapped in a black lace napkin to take home to her dog Tosco. St. Angie wore a strapless, boring, nothing-to-it dress to that made up Hollywood Film Awards and tonight she wore a strapless, boring, nothing-to-it dress. I have a feeling that’s going to be her thing this awards season. Designers are just going to wrap a napkin around her body, push her out onto the carpet and call it a day. Although, I think I just described every single dress that St. Angie has worn to every single premiere and awards show for the past 10 years.
Because I grew up Catholic and went to a few funerals as a kid, St. Angie’s dress reminds me of a black lace veil that an abuelita would wear while throwing herself on a casket as it goes into the ground at a burial. As I went through these pictures, I kept waiting to come across a picture of an abuelita asking St. Angie Jolie if she can have her black lace face veil dress in exchange for a giant thermos full of menudo. She’d probably give St. Angie the thermos full of menudo anyway.
Here’s more of St. Angie Jolie looking like the severe mom of an Ever After High doll at the Unbroken premiere with Brad Pitt and Jack O’Connell.
St. Angie’s Wedding Present To Brad Pitt Was Going To Be A $250,000 Typewriter Once Owned By Ernest Hemingway
Yes, because that’s what Brad Pitt wants for a wedding present – a $250,000 typewriter. Come on, Dame St. Angie, everybody knows that stoners are the easiest people to buy for! I once had a major stoner for a roommate and you know what I gave her for her birthday? A pizza. A pizza, and she fucking lost her shit over it. I know St. Angie is rich as shit, but come on – $250,000 on a typewriter? Not worth it unless it’s stuffed with cheese and smells like pepperoni! That would truly be a beautiful and thoughtful present.
Regardless, Dame St. Angie never bought her formerly-hot husband said expensive typewriter, but TMZ says she came very close. $11,000 close, in fact! TMZ says that earlier this summer, Our Lady of Eternally Skinny Arms, Dame St. Angie, called up Steve Soboroff, President of the Los Angeles Police Commission and vintage typewriter collector. Steve Soboroff apparently has a huge collection of famous people’s typewriters, like Truman Capote and Marilyn Monroe. Basically if a famous person touched a typewriter, he now owns it. Angie was initially interested in buying Tennessee Williams’ typewriter, but he didn’t want to sell it. So she settled on the last typewriter Ernest Hemingway owned before he died.
St. Angie agreed on the price of the typewriter – $250,000 – and sent an angel over to Steve Soboroff’s house with a deposit check for $11,000. However, something happened and Angie decided to cancel the deal. A source claims she never asked for the $11,000 deposit back, but they sent it anyway. And that’s the story of how St. Angie almost blew a quarter of a million dollars on a typewriter that was fingered by a famous dude!
Angie can spend her Maleficent money on whatever she wants, but $250,000 for Hemingway’s typewriter? Angie, you got hoodwinked! There’s only one typewriter that’s worth $250,000, and it’s this one:
Well, close up the polls, cancel election day and send everyone home, because what’s the point of voting now that benevolent high priestess of the universe Dame St. Angie Jolie has told Vanity Fair that in addition to saving the world, keeping the busted wig industry alive, training her child army for their eventual takeover of the planet and making room in her trophy vault for dozens of Best Director Oscar statues, she may cause the collapse of democracy by getting into the politics game. St. Angie running for political office would cause the death of democracy, because every single candidate would drop out and when we’d go to vote, the only category on the ballot would be for Dictator of YOUR LIFE and the only voting option would be Dame St. Angie Jolie. You’d have to vote in blood, of course.
During an interview about Unbroken, Vanity Fair’s Janine di Giovanni asked St. Angie if she’s interested in being a politician one day. The former president of the International Home Wreckers League tells Vanity Fair that she isn’t totally shitting on the idea of running for office:
“When you work as a humanitarian, you are conscious that politics have to be considered,” she tells di Giovanni. “Because if you really want to make an extreme change, then you have a responsibility.” Jolie then catches herself. “But I honestly don’t know in what role I would be more useful—I am conscious of what I do for a living, and that [could] make it less possible.”
In di Giovanni’s last meeting with Jolie, however, Jolie’s opinion seems to have shifted. When directly asked if she sees herself pursuing a life in politics, diplomacy, or public service, Jolie says, “I am open.”
“I am open” is the only thing every politician and wannabe politician needed to hear. George Clooney just divorced Amal Clooney, because his political dreams are over now that St. Angie is “open” to running and he doesn’t need the picture perfect politician’s wife anymore. Hillary Clinton just shredded the presidential acceptance speech she’s had on file for years and is going to make her way to Scrunchies ‘R Us to ask for an application. Chris Christie just resigned and got a job working in a bridge toll booth.
And everyone’s moving out of the White House to make way for President Dame St. Angie Jolie and her family. But Joe Biden can stay, because First Husband Brad Pitt needs a tokin’ partner.
Dame St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt (no titles) are still in Malta shooting their own Eyes Wide Shut titled By The Sea and the other day a guest star made an appearance on her head. It’s nice to know that the dehydrated, thirsty, Pedialyte-needing creature that was on Beyonce’s head a little while ago grew outs its bangs, reinvented itself as a strawberry blond and found a new job on St. Angie’s head.
By The Sea takes places in the 70s, which is obviously why she looks like the 70s spit up all over her. St. Angie looks like a frazzled housewife circa 1974 who leaves her cheating politician husband after he’s involved in a cheating scandal and joins a cult that believes only weak humans eat food and superhuman get all their nourishment from eating air. Yes, I got all that from one picture and I haven’t even hit the bong yet. Since St. Angie wanted her character to go blond, she should’ve left that dead cat wig alone and brought back her greatest look of all-time. Her Life Or Something Like It look:
That sixth-rate Dolly Parton impersonator hair… Those faded Dracula brows… Now that is glamour. That IS the look.
Brad Pitt, a man that with every passing year starts to look more and more like the long-lost illegitimate son of the Zig-Zag man (Maury, get on that), made an appearance on Zach Galifianakis’ “Between Two Ferns” to promote that WW2 movie where he plays a dude with the same haircut as every hipster who owns a coffee shop in Silver Lake (aka Fury). Poor Brapi; I can only imagine how disappointed he was when he walked on set and realized the two ferns he’d be in between weren’t weed plants. And yet, why do I get the feeling he probably tried to smoke them anyway?
My favorite episodes of “Between Two Ferns” are the ones where Zach Galapagos Islands and his guest throw subtle shade before reading each other to FILTH (see: Zach vs. President Barack Obama). But that never really happens here, because Brapi appears to have just woken up from his 2pm stoner nap and is too tie-tie to make with the funny. Case in point:
This is the face Brad made right after Zach brought out Louis CK. And now we know what St. Angie sees whenever she follows the trail of Funyun crumbs from the kitchen into the den and finds Brad staring at the light switch. “But where does the light go when I turn it off? It’s a mystery, man.”
And while it was nice of Zach to gift Brad with a “bassoon”, he doesn’t actually have any use for it. Hanging around St. Angie and the chosen ones all day is enough to make anyone feel higher than an LSD-dipped ‘shroom sandwich. It’s true! I’ve actually heard that smelling St. Angie’s hair is a big problem for teenage angels at Heaven High.
Shia LaBeouf’s “Method Acting” Is The Reason Why He Got Fired From A Broadway Play And Ended Up In Jail
Seen above looking like a dirty hot, dick jelly-ridden hitchhiker that you picked up one night and had messy fuck times with in a motel room before waking up the next morning to find out that he stole your car and gave you crabs, Shia LaBeouf tells Interview Magazine (via Page Six) that “method acting” is what led him to a jail cell and is what got him pink-slipped from the Broadway play Orphans. When Shia got fired from Orphans for being difficult and he started terrorizing homeless guys in Times Square, some blamed it on Shia being Shia and others blamed it on booze, the bad shit or a mental breakdown. Shia tells Interview that the only drug to blame is AC-TING! It took him a while, but Shia finally played the Joaquin Phoenix card.