Allied, directed by Robert Zemeckis, is about an American spy and assassin (Brad Pitt) who goes on a mission to Morocco in 1942 and meets a French spy and assassin (Marion Cotillard). They fall in love, get married, have a baby and of course, trouble ensues thanks to the fucking Nazis! This is the plot according to IMDB:
The story of intelligence officer Max Vatan (Brad Pitt), who in 1942 North Africa encounters French Resistance fighter Marianne Beausejour (Marion Cotillard) on a deadly mission behind enemy lines. Reunited in London, their relationship is threatened by the extreme pressures of the war.
It comes out in November, just in time OSCUH season, and also stars Lizzy Caplan, Matthew Goode and Jared Harris. The teaser trailer was released today and it’s giving me “remake of Mr. & Mrs. Smith using the costumes and sets from Inglourious Basterds” vibes. Brad’s character and Marion’s character obviously get really, really close, so close that they share make-up. I mean, Brad Pitt’s mug is all kinds of Max Factor fresh in this trailer:
I really shouldn’t call it a reboot or remake of “Mr. & Mrs. Smith” until Brad Pitt drops St. Angie Jolie for Marion Cotillard, and years later St. Angie Jolie says in an interview with Vogue, “What Marion did was tres pas cool*.”
* shitty translation done by the always flawless Google Translate
In “BREAKING NEWS if the year was 1996” news, Melissa Etheridge said in an interview with Australia’s Studio 10 (via People) that when she and her then-partner Julie Cypher were looking to have kids, they almost asked their then-good friend Brad Pitt to bust a load of baby-making leche into a plastic cup for them. This was all the way back in the olden days of the mid-90s before he was married to Jennifer Aniston and before he became the patriarch of the world’s holiest family. Melissa says that they ultimately decided not to ask Brad Pitt and instead asked David Crosby to jack out a nut for them.
No, these aren’t pictures from the Fighting the Hot Grand Championships of 2015. These pictures are from last night’s NYC premiere of The Big Short where Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling showed off the matching hairstyles they obviously got from Johnny Depp’s stylist.
I’m not even sure if this is the real Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling. Brad Pitt looks like what you would get if you put pictures of Aaron Sorkin, Suze Orman, Sliding Doors Goopy Paltrow and current day Johnny Depp in baby morphing software. That hair is either a 90s Nick Carter wig or that grey hair he had on his head the other day was a $2 Anderson Cooper wig from the Dollar General. And Ryan Gosling!
Ryan Gosling needs to pull out his phone and immediately delete the number of the trick who painted up his face like that. That’s a look that a goth high school kid would put together using baby powder and an old eyeliner pencil he stole from the back of his mother’s bathroom cabinet. Dude’s makeup is very newbie emo kid and it’s a tragedy. Ryan should cancel everything and immediately have an emergency FaceTime session with Jeremy Renner, because Hawkeye will teach him how to properly tame and work an eyeliner pencil.
Yes, I said “pizzazz” – I love a sassy mop of salt and pepper hair.
Brad Pitt is currently in Berlin filming that War Machine movie, which means he’s back to looking like an IKEA As Is section Anderson Cooper. The last time we saw Brad Pitt, he was working his signature greasy DILF look at the WSJ Innovator Awards two weeks ago. So is it a wig? Is it some Just for Men – Touch of Grey trickery? Whatever it is, I don’t hate it. Like, yes, he looks like a wealthy creep from a Lifetime movie. But he’s also sort of looks like what you’d get if mid-90s Brad Pitt ended up marrying Gwyneth Paltrow, quit showbusiness, moved to a gated community in Greenwich, Connecticut and became a dentist who makes all his patients call him “Doctor B“.
Here’s more of Brad looking super young in the face (maybe his character is fighting a war against wrinkles?) and old everywhere else while filming War Machine.
What’s the point of getting old if you’re not going to fully embrace your “get off my lawn” phase of life and retire from giving a fuck? Robert De Niro obviously gets it, because he’s been on a cranky roll lately and is reading bitches left and right.
Robert De Niro recently quit an interview, because he didn’t like the interviewer’s “negative questions” and told her, “I’m not doing this, darling.” And at the WSJ. Innovator Awards in NYC on Wednesday night, he verbally took a chancleta to a tech dude who made a joke. Page Six says that Stewart Butterfield (yes, that’s the name of a real person and not the name of a rejected Bond villain from the 70s), who co-founded Flickr and the app Slack, won an award and during his speech, he joked that he was a “long way from San Francisco” after pointing out all the famous people in the room. Stewart Butterfield then pointed out De Niro in the audience and said:
“I watched ‘Godfather II’ on the plane . . . when you killed Don Fanucci, I liked that.”
Well, Robert De Niro didn’t like that. De Niro got up to the mic to present St. Angie Jolie with an award, and before he did that, he spanked a bitch:
“Whoever the last speaker was . . . I thought you were a bit condescending to us actors . . . celebrities. I’m gonna go on record with you just to say that. And I don’t give a fuck who you are.”
Stewart Butterfield missed a good opportunity to really twist up De Niro’s chonies by saying “You talkin’ to me?” from the audience. But Stewart Butterfield did tweet that he loved getting trash talked by De Niro.
Yeah, Robert De Niro needs to get all the way over himself since actors aren’t untouchable jewels who shouldn’t be joked about, but at the same time I love a delusional old crotchety coot. I just want to follow him around for 5 minutes, because in that 5 minutes I’m sure he’d verbally abuse a pigeon for looking at him wrong and he’d try to fist fight his shadow for standing too close to him.
With that being said, his “give us precious actors the respect we deserve” slap down would’ve been 100% perfect if he added a “darling” to the end of it.
At WSJ. Magazine’s Innovator Awards the other night, St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt posed like two constipated stone pillars on Ambien. Well, they may have switched up their weed strain when they got to California, because at the AFI Festival screening of By The Zzzzz in Hollywood last night, they looked alive and Brad Pitt’s seven layers of bronzer nearly melted off of his mug as he stared at St. Angie Jolie’s holy beaded chichis. While Brad gave us “cruise ship restaurant maitre d’,” St. Angie Jolie wore a dress made from the curtains that used to hang in Liberace’s formal dining room. Brad must’ve been smoking up some serious shit in the car, because he’s doing the same, “Me? Stoned? Naw,” squint that I do after my fourth or fifth bowl.
The reviews for By The Sea are dribbling in and so far on Rotten Tomatoes there’s 5 shitty reviews and 1 good review, giving it only 17%. I skimmed some of the reviews and the ones I read said that it’s really beige (in more ways than one) and that it’s too damn boring to be campy. Here’s a quotes from RT:
If “By the Sea” weren’t so aggressively humorless, it might almost qualify as camp, so unsuccessful is its pursuit of weighty drama. Unintentional laughs are hard to come by here; instead, there are yawns aplenty. – The Wrap
An unabashed vanity project that struggles to turn its own beautiful inertia into a virtue. – Variety
Met with a tepid response at the opening night of this year’s AFI Film Festival, this languid piece of would-be art cinema will prove once again that even the biggest names in the world won’t draw an audience to something that, in and of itself, has no reason for being. – The Hollywood Reporter
I think all of that is fancy movie critic speak for: IT SUCKS.
We all better stock our end-of-the-world barracks with the good shit, booze, pork rinds and flip book porn, because I don’t need Opal Covey to tell me that God will wreak havoc on civilization if critics keep calling By The Sea a comatose turkey. God is obviously biased, because he should’ve destroyed this bitch when Hollywood ruined Jem.