Sorry, singles looking to mingle with Brad Pitt, but it looks like he’s not quite ready to jump back into the dating pool just yet. “Thanks for the heads up!” said the lifeguard of the dating pool who will be assigned to cleaning the filter of self-tanner grease and beard hairs after Brad jumps in.
A source blabbed to People about Brad’s current life as a single guy. We already know that Brad is doing the sad artist thing right now. But don’t expect to see him cruising singles bars in a paint-splattered smock looking for his “muse.” The source says that Brad isn’t dating right now. Instead, he’s been doing the buddy thing. Brad has been having friends over a lot, and has been reconnecting with old friends. Oh boy, here come eleven hundred more “BRAD RECONNECTS WITH JEN!” headlines. The source adds that Brad seems “much happier” lately (well, agreeing with Angelina Jolie to stop fighting like Rikki-Tikki-Tavi and Nagaina will do that to you).
The source adds that along with art and spending more time with his kids, Brad is also working out every day and has lost a few pounds. Nice.
The sad news in all of this is that I guess this means Kate Hudson really isn’t dating Brad Pitt after all. Poor Kate Hudson. Even though she technically has a new man in her life, I’m sure she would have loved to have stretched that rumor out just a little longer. If you only get one measly totally untrue tabloid cover out of it, did it even not really ever happen?
Two months ago, I’d make a joke that St. Angie Jolie is using her holy finger to point at Brad Pitt and say, “Ha, I’m with stupid.” But now, she’s using her holy finger to point at him and say, “Yeah, I’m still with stupid, but he’s stupid AND nice now.”
Up until early January, Brad and Angie were shanking at each other and trying to drag each other’s pristine reputations through a puddle of diarrhea. One was accusing the other of fucking up their children by making their custody battle so public. The other was accusing the other one of not wanting the public to learn the terrifying truth! They finally decided to take their ugliness behind closed doors. And now, sources are telling both People and E! News that Brad and Angie have gone from communicating through slam pieces on TMZ to actually talking to each other directly.
As Professor Dame St. Angie Jolie graced the brains of the peons with her knowledge at the London School of Economics, and her holy hard nipples graced the eyes of the Archbishop of Canterbury during a meeting, a sad Brad Pitt was making sad art while listening to sad songs. Future art historians will look to this period in time as the rich douche renaissance led by the masters James Franco, Shia LaBeouf and Brad Pitt!
Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt Got Matching “Binding” Tattoos Just Months Before The Fall Of Brangelina
When a marriage is ten seconds away from sucking divorce’s dick, some couple’s try to save their relationship by renewing their vows and others grit their teeth and fuck their way to a Band-Aid baby. And then there’s St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt, who got matching tattoos to bind them together. Hopefully the tattoo artiste tattooed warranty information on their bodies, because they should probably get their money back.
The holy kingdom of eternal love that was Brangelina crumbled into the gutter and Jennifer Aniston has been married to the Emo Eddie Munster known as Justin Theroux for over a year, so I guess it was time for the tabloids to move on from “Poor Jen.” Enter: Poor Brad! Now Brad Pitt is the one who’s sitting in a sea of Hostess pie wrappers and cry-singing to All By Myself before picking up his phone to text Jennifer Aniston with: U up?
To add a little context to that picture, that’s Angelina Jolie getting emotional while talking about her divorce, not struggling to keep a juicy tarantula burp down.
Angelina Jolie appeared on Good Morning America from Cambodia this morning to talk about her new movie First They Killed My Father. After talking about the movie, George Stephanopoulos asked her about her dramatic divorce from Brad Pitt.