Not only did St. Angie Jolie meet fellow home wrecking legend Duchess Camilla in London today (Side note: What in Little House on the Prairie cosplay HELL is Camilla wearing?), but she also got honored by THE QUEEN! St. Angie’s in London to co-host the week-long Global Summit to End Sexual Violence in Conflict and since she was there, THE QUEEN figured that she might as well throw an honor her way since God, Jesus, all the apostles, the Academy, and pretty much everybody else on Earth has already honored her. I don’t know if there was a ceremony or anything, but I doubt, because THE QUEEN would rather spend her time doing other things like watching screeners of the upcoming season of TOWIE while eating melted ice cream in her underwear.
After St. Angie was named an honorary Dame by THE QUEEN for services to UK foreign policy and campaigning to end sexual violence in war zones, she released this statement:
“To receive an honour related to foreign policy means a great deal to me, as it is what I wish to dedicate my working life to. Working on PVSI and with survivors of rape is an honour in itself. I know that succeeding in our goals will take a lifetime, and I am dedicated to it for all of mine.”
St. Angie’s not a British citizen, so she can’t be called a Dame, but like she gives a shit. She’s already got the title of SAINT!
Daniel Day-Lewis is now Sir Daniel Day-Lewis, because he was knighted. Maggie Smith and Damian Lewis were also honored.
St. Angie is already Queen of the Saints and the Moon and the Stars, so it was only a matter of time before she became a Dame (in spirit at least). But what I want to know is, where are the priorities of the people who chooses the next Dames and Sirs? I mean, how is it possible that Maggie Smith, Daniel Day-Lewis, St. Angie Jolie and dozens of others are honored by THE QUEEN and England’s greatest treasure and finest rose Jodie Marsh isn’t? Jodie Marsh should be a three-time Dame for her contribution to British elegance and grace. People should be rioting in the streets over that shit.
Here’s more pictures of St. Angie meeting Camilla and also some pictures of St. Angie and
Robert Evans Brad Pitt at an End Sexual Violence in Conflict event.
St. Angie Jolie is in London for the Global Summit to End Sexual Violence in Conflict and during an interview with BBC Radio’s Women’s Hour (via HuffPo), the interviewer brought up that scene (SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! And just because I want to type it on more time, SPOILER ALERT!) in Maleficent where she gets roofied by the one human she trusts and wakes up to find that he cut her wings off. If that scene made you want to pull out your rape whistle and call 911, it was supposed to.
St. Angie says Maleficent’s screenwriter Linda Woolverton needed a good reason for why Maleficent, a good fairy who was always dressed like she was on her way to the red faire, would want to get revenge against the humans and curse a baby. Hey, here’s an idea, maybe Maleficent is just evil for the hell of it and she cursed that baby, because cursing babies is fun! But since it’s Disney and they had to give Maleficent a heart made of daisy petals and kitten tears or else parents wouldn’t buy her action figure for their kids at The Disney Store, they gave her a tragic backstory. St. Angie put it like this:
“The question was asked: ‘What could make a woman become so dark and lose all sense of her maternity, her womanhood, and her softness?’ Something would have to be so violent and aggressive and so of course for us, we were very conscious, the writer and I, that it was a metaphor for rape. And that this would be the thing that would make her lose sight of that. And then at a certain point, the question of the story is ‘what could bring her back?’ And again it is an extreme Disney, fun version of it, but at the core it is abuse, and how the abused then have a choice of abusing others or overcoming and remaining loving, open people.”
Okay, but when is St. Angie going to explain her and Sharlto Copley’s tragic accents?
Linda Woolverton might’ve gotten the rape metaphor idea from the original Sleeping Beauty. In the original Sleeping Beauty fairytale, Sleeping Beauty gets raped by the prince while she’s in a curse coma, gets knocked up with twins and the feeling of twins coming out of her wakes her up. It’s the perfect bedtime story to read to your kids!
Since Maleficent put a mountain of money in Disney’s pockets, they’re also doing another Cruella de Vil movie and Cinderella comes out next year. So I’m guessing that in Cinderella, the evil stepmother becomes an evil bitch of a mess who hates Cinderella after she gets raped by a group of maids. And in the Cruella de Vil movie, Cruella de Vil becomes a puppy-hating demon after she gets raped by a bunch of Dalmatian puppies. Etc.. etc…
And here’s St. Angie and pimp-looking ass Brad Pitt at an exhibit at the End Sexual Violence in Conflict conference today.
At the Hollywood premiere of Disney’s kinder and gentler Maleficent, the Ukrainian “prankster” (read: asshole) who is a stubborn crab on Hollywood’s crotch jumped the barricade and got on Brad Pitt’s Burt-Reynolds-in-Boogie-Nights looking ass. Everyone said that Vitalii Sediuk punched Brad in the face and broke his 70s porn producer glasses. Jennifer Aniston raised a tequila shot and toasted to the Ukraine when she heard that. But in a statement of words to People, Brad says that Vitalii tried to do to him what he did to Bradley Cooper and Leonardo DiCatchAHo. Vitalli tried to get a face full of Pitt crotch. Brad punched that trick in the head, because the only thing that gets close to his dick is St. Angie Jolie’s hypnotic puss and maybe George Clooney’s greased up hand when he’s stoned.
“I was at the end of the line signing autographs, when out the corner of my eye I saw someone stage-diving over the barrier at me. I took a step back; this guy had latched onto my lapels. I looked down and the nutter was trying to bury his face in my crotch, so I cracked him twice in the back of the head – not too hard – but enough to get his attention, because he did let go. I think he was then just grabbing for a hand hold because the guys were on him, and he reached up and caught my glasses.
I don’t mind an exhibitionist, but if this guy keeps it up he’s going to spoil it for the fans who have waited up all night for an autograph or a selfie, because it will make people more wary to approach a crowd. And he should know, if he tries to look up a woman’s dress again, he’s going to get stomped.”
A judge sentenced Vitalli to 20 days of community service, 36 months probation and he has to stay away from the Staples Center, where the Grammys go down, and the Dolby Theater, where the Oscars go down.
What’s really surprising is that when Vitalli put his face on Brad Pitt’s crotch, he didn’t immediately choke and pass out after inhaling a thick, moist cloud of peen cheese. And may the entire child army slap Brad Pitt’s ass for using the word “selfie.”
And the SHOCKING TWIST is that it wasn’t Chelsea Handler during another one of her drunken, vodka-fueled rages.
Vitalii Sediuk is that 25-year-old Ukrainian “comedian” and “prankster” (see: terror of Hollywood and overall asshole mess) who’s known for pulling all sorts of acts of fuckery like trying to suck Will Smith’s face on the red carpet, crawling up Ugly Betty’s dress at Cannes, giving Bradley Cooper a dry blow job, grabbing Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s down low parts, giving everyone a Ukrainian pube show at the Met Gala and crashing the stage at the Grammys during Adele’s speech. Well, for his latest STUNT QUEEN stunt, Vitalii jumped over a barrier at the Maleficent premiere in Hollywood last night and reportedly punched the patriarch of America’s most important holy family right in the face.
Just Jared says that Brad let the spirit of Tyler Durden take over his body and he punched that bitch back. Brad’s security and the police jumped on Vitalii and he was arrested and charged with battery. He’s currently being held on $20,000 bail. It’s a good thing that Brad Pitt sucked down all those joints in the car, because his face was probably so numb that he didn’t feel a thing. He shook it off and kept signing autographs and posing with St. Angie Jolie and her gown made by Hefty.
RIP Vitalii Sediuk. Because he fucked with the wrong bitches this time. Sometime today, St. Angie’s minions will ask the LAPD to hand that motherfucker over to them. Then they’ll throw Vitalii in the child army’s playroom before saying, “May God be with you,” and locking the door. After about 2 hours of suffering through the child army’s screeches, SpongeBob blasting in the background and the Chosen Ones throwing Cheetos at him, he’ll scream for mercy and ask for a quick death. Then St. Angie will appear in a cloud of green smoke and say, “Death is too good for you, carry on, my children!” Bitch is done.
The premiere of Disney’s Maleficent (aka Disney’s Cheekbones!) was held in LA last night and St. Angie took a night off from reading passages of The Bible to blind angels in Heaven to grace the
red blue carpet with her presence. St. Angie truly is the People’s Saint. She could have had her pick from the finest, most exquisite of gowns fit for European aristocracy and nobility, and instead she chooses to show compassion for the destitute have-nots of the world by wearing a humble trash bag. “All I did was turn water into wine. Teach me, St. Angie” - Jesus.
And just like Jesus, her crusade for social justice didn’t end with her trash bag dress. Again, she could have put Brad Pitt in an expensive suit and tie and told him to put down the Funyuns and shave, but instead she showed her unconditional love for the outcasts of society by making him dress up as a sleazy amateur porn filmmaker from the San Fernando Valley. Excellent job, Angie, you can practically smell the Acqua Di Gio and Astroglide from here. This wasn’t the original idea, however; she wanted to do Brad up as a leper, but they ran out of makeup after trying to cover up Angie’s forehead vein.
Here’s more of St. Angie and Brad and the premiere of the #1 movie in Heaven. Sadly, only one member of the child army was able to make it, and that was Maddox. I know this isn’t the first time we’ve seen grown-up baby Maddox in a suit, but it still makes me feel like I need to buy a walker and put tennis balls on the feet.
HD powder claims another victim!
HD powder: Too many to count!
Just like Nicole Kidman, Uma Thurman and Sabrina the Teenage Witch before her ass, a make-up artist proved that they are an unholy Satanist by fucking with St. Angie Jolie’s face and slapping her down with that powder that makes you look Scarface when a flash hits you. St. Angie was Brad Pitt’s date to The Normal Heart premiere in NYC last night and she looked like a malnourished baby alligator that a chef at a creole restaurant just dipped in flour and was about to toss in a fryer pan. Who ever did that to St. Angie has probably been struck by lighting and is a pile of dust right now, but I want to use a Ouija board to contact their ghost and tell them that I love them for making her look like an over-used coke straw with veins. She looks like Rob Ford just farted in her face.
But seriously, I’m sure that’s not powder. It’s queef dust from the angels. She is St. Angie after all.
Here’s more pictures from last night’s The Normal Heart premiere including pictures of basic ho, basic ho, MATT BONER!!!, basic ho, basic ho and JUDITH LIGHT!!!
Hmmm, so did Angelina play Maleficent or did Maleficent play Angelina? That is the question.
The St. Angie Jolie biopic titled Maleficent comes out on May 30th, so brace yourselves for three weeks of seeing her in nothing but skin-colored condoms shoes and size negative four black sack dresses that even Mrs. Roper would call “homely and matronly.” The non-stop black dresses and forehead vein officially tour started in London today at the “private reception” for Maleficent held at Kensington Palace. St. Angie brought Brad Pitt who did himself up like a character in Ray Donovan. Together they look like a mid-level mobster and his Wiccan advisor/piece at the funeral of one of the members of the Addams Family. If you pasted pieces of fried prosciutto all over St. Angie’s body, she’d almost look like Carlton Gebbia.
And while St. Angie was doing her job, she told Brad Pitt to scat and go and look at that pretty background. Mama’s working.
Six seconds after Brad looked at those pretty leaves and asked himself, “Hmmm, I wonder if I can smoke that shit?”, he pulled out the bong he carries in his pocket and smoked that shit.
The Prayers Of The Brangeloonies Have Been Answered: St. Angie Is Making Another Movie With Brad Pitt
If you just experienced a sudden violent shaking feeling, don’t worry. It wasn’t an earthquake; it was only the Earth’s axis shifting after the simultanoius explosion of the minds of a thousand Brangeloonies clutching at their Mr. & Mrs. Smith DVDs heard the news that the most important couple OF ALL TIME are making another movie together. According to Deadline, Jesus’s kinder half-sister Angelina Jolie is in talks to star along side Brad Pitt in a yet-unnamed film. Currently, all that’s known about the movie is that A) it has been written and B) it stars Angie and Brad, but really, isn’t that all we need to know? “That’s all I need to know” – Jennifer Aniston, as she pops open her 3rd box of Sadness Estates wine.
The last time Angie and Brapi filmed a movie together, it tore apart a beloved Hollywood marriage and launched a decade-long debate over whether or not Angelina Jolie is a true love-seeking romantic or a ghoulish home wrecking monster, so who knows what the hell will happen this time. Maybe working together will drive a wedge between the two, and Brapi will run back into the arms of Jennifer Aniston, and she’ll become the new homewrecker, leaving Angie with nothing but 6 children and a box of Sadness Estates wine. How could you Rachel from Friends?!?!
But one thing I’m certain of is that nobody involved in the filming or promotion of this movie will have to work very hard. They could set up a camera on a tripod in the corner of a living room film Angie and Brad browsing Reddit for 90 minutes, photoshop the title “THE BRANGELINA MOVIE” onto an old Mr. & Mrs. Smith poster, release it in 10 theatres at 3am on a Tuesday in February, and it would still go on to make $100 billion at the box office, win Best Picture at the Oscars, and be inducted into the National Film Registry.
Jason Priestley was feeling a little left out of the “Whores From 90210 With Memoirs” club since Tori Spelling, Jennie Garth and Shannen Doherty have all released books about their lives, so he’s putting out his own book called “Jason Priestley: A Memoir.” That title is dripping with creativity, I know. Jason is out there selling his memoirs and he’s released the “juiciest” (read: as juicy as a dehydrated blueberry left out in the sun for 12 hours) parts of his book. Jason writes that Shannen Doherty really was a cunt-covered bitch during the 90210 days (insert thisisbrandnewinformation.GIF here) and says that money-grubbing shameless whore Tori Spelling sold his wedding invitation for $5 at one of her yard sales.
Jason also writes that before he was the third hottest dude on 90210 (after Dylan and Steve Sanders of course, you can judge me), he lived in a house with a bunch of struggling actors including Brad Pitt (in the pic above, he’s the bro with the beer in the back). Jason says that they’d always have contests to see who could go without washing their asses the longest. If your nostril hairs have ever curled up and fallen off while looking at a picture of Brad Pitt, you know who regularly won:
“Just for fun, we used to have competitions over who could go the longest without showering and shaving. Brad always won. Having to go on an audition meant cleaning up, which is what usually put an end to the streak.”
The only straight dudes in junior high school who didn’t make fun of me were these skater boys who lived in my neighborhood and they pulled nasty, sucio shit like this. They always smelled like old milk and sewer gas. They never bathed themselves and would make fun of each other for showering. They’d also collect their scabs and one of them wanted to wallpaper his bedroom wall with them. Dude didn’t grow up to be a serial killer, surprisingly.
Anyway, so Jason and Brad’s stank-off contests don’t surprise me. Some straight dudes like to smell like wet dog ass. I bet Jason and Brad’s house smelled like a refrigerator that’s been without power for a few days. You’d turn your head one way and the stank scent of peen queso and armpit milk would waft up your nostrils. You’d turn the other way and your nose would be hit with a cloud of butt jelly and toe jam fumes.
And Brad really hasn’t changed much. The only time he bathes is when the child army bands together and drags him to the backyard to hose him down Turner & Hooch-style.
Vivienne Jolie-Pitt Had To Be In Maleficent Because She Was The Only Kid Who Wasn’t Scared Of St. Angie’s Ass
At the Oscars next year, Jared Leto will stroll out onto the stage, flip his luscious mane and he won’t have to open the envelope to announce the winner of Best Supporting Actress, because he’ll know and we’ll all know it will be Vivienne Jolie-Pitt. She’ll crawl onto the stage, burp, scratch her head and drag her trophy away while everyone gives her a standing ovation and loses their minds. And Vivi didn’t even have to try to get that role. All she had to do was be born out of the right chocha and not scream for her Godfather (who is actually God) when seeing her mom in full costume.
In Entertainment Weekly’s cover story about Maleficent, St. Angie Jolie says that one of the chosen ones had to play Young Aurora, because all of the little girls they auditioned ran away after seeing her looking like the evil ghost of a malnourished ram. Even Pax wanted to hold a crucifix up to her when he saw her:
“When Pax saw me for the first time, he ran away and got upset — and I thought he was kidding, so I was pretending to chase him until I actually found him crying. I had to take off pieces [of the makeup] in front of him to show him it was all fake and not freak out so much.
We think it’s fun for our kids to have cameos and join us on set, but not to be actors. That’s not our goal for Brad and I at all. But the other 3- and 4-year-old [performers] wouldn’t come near me. It had to be a child that liked me and wasn’t afraid of my horns and my eyes and my claws. So it had to be Viv.”
In the wise words of The Mighty O, let’s cut the bullshit, St. Angie. There are many 3-year-olds who will run toward St. Angie, because they’d want her ass to adopt them so they can shop at every toy store in the damn world, eat McDonald’s all the time and inhale the weed-induced breath that comes out of Brad Pitt’s mouth. St. Angie made the producers cast Vivi, because she wanted the extra check (not really). Dragging 10,000 kids around the world ain’t cheap.
And of course Brad and St. Angie don’t want their kids to go into acting. That ruins their plan of raising a child army who will one day take over the world and make all of us their slaves. We should just surrender now and get it over with.