Any of you gold diggers hoping for a chance to ride your way to millions about the Pitt Peen Express are going to have to be patient. Because the always truthful The Sun says that Brad Pitt is giving up sex for a year to Eat, Pray, Love or some shit and discover who he really is.
According to The Sun, Brad has made a promise to stop playing bedroom leapfrog for a solid year. What to do with all that time normally reserved for fucking the best-looking Meet Joe Black fans? It’s said he’s focusing on meditating, sculpting, and working out…yeah, ‘cuz getting a fuck-able body is the best time to stop boning! A snitch most certainly in Brad’s camp gave up some deets:
“Brad is really sorting himself out. He’s getting trim, eating healthily and has cut out booze. He has been in relationships for pretty much all of his entire adult life. Now that he’s single, he’s doing things he’s previously been unable to do.”
This comes as it is believed Brad and Angelina Jolie are putting the finishing touches on their divorce. While most Hollywood dudes close a divorce by at least screwing three production assistants, Brad isn’t following that course. He refused to so much as pose in a photo with another woman beyond his manager during Oscars week, which probably gave Mike Pence the feels down below and say, “Maybe hedonist Hollywood ain’t all that bad!”
Tiffany Haddish had the most fun with at the Oscars on Sunday night. She presented an award in her favorite dress and a pair of slippers, she ambushed Meryl Streep, and apparently she also promised to get with Brad Pitt if they’re both still single in a year. That’s probably not even Tiffany’s last random Oscar night story. I feel like we’re about to learn that Tiffany was the one who apprehended her new best friend Frances McDormand’s Oscar thief by beating him over the head with one of her slippers.
According to Variety, Brad Pitt has signed on to Quentin Tarantino’s movie about the Manson Family murders, which will come out on the 50th anniversary of the day of the LaBianca murders (and a day after the murder of Sharon Tate, which I’m sure Debra Tate loves). Brad will play Cliff Booth, the longtime stuntman for western actor Rick Dalton, played by Leonardo DiCaprio (speaking of 90s hunks with a cult following). Brad was rumored to be in talks for a role as a detective, but that obviously didn’t work out. Oh, and we can stop calling it Quentin Tarantino’s Manson movie.
Here we go, grab your plastic gloves and safety scalpel, tie your hair back and throw some Vicks under your nose. It’s time to continue the ongoing autopsy to determine what’s responsible for the end of Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux’s maybe marriage. We’ve heard that it was because Jen loved L.A. and the Hollywood scene while Justin was all about NYC and the artsy crowd. UsWeekly and People now have more info.
A “Sad” Brad Pitt Hasn’t Reached Out To Newly Single Jennifer Aniston (Who May Not Have Legally Married Justin Theroux)
Imagine if they got back together? That would keep supermarket tabs goin’ for the next 1,000 years with breathless cover stories like “EVIL ANGELINA WANTS SATAN TO CURSE REUNITED BRAD AND JENN!!!“. Actually, that might be what saves print media! So, Aniston, whenever you blast the tabs for haunting your what looks like a Lean Cuisine for One-destined life, you should remember that you’ve probably kept several companies afloat and saved jobs. Silver linings! Oh, by the way, Brad Pitt HAS NOT reached out to ex-wife Jennifer Aniston since her split with her famously bouncy jogger of a husband, Justin Theroux, according to UsWeekly. Continue reading
William Bradley Pitt is on the prowl and at a charity auction on Saturday, he tried to bid his way to a date with the mother of dragons herself, Emilia Clarke. I guess the Golden Globes wasn’t the only hot ticket in town this weekend! So how much does it cost to make time with the worst wig in Westeros? More than Brad’s final bid of $120,000!