Category: Brad Pitt

UsWeekly Says That Angelina Jolie Helped To Turn Pax Against Brad Pitt

December 14, 2018 / Posted by:

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt may be stitching up the gaping wounds they gave each other during their wreck of a custody fight, which has wrapped up (for now), but those damn sources are still talking and adding more layers of messiness to this tragic saga that already has more messy layers than me walking to my mailbox in 60 degree weather (moving back to California gave me lizard veins and skin, okay?). A source tells UsWeekly (via The Daily Mail) that Brad thinks his relationship with two of his sons, 17-year-old Maddox and 15-year-old Pax, is broken, and that could be from something Angie said to Pax. The source claims that Angie told Pax that Brad never wanted to adopt him. “Aaaah, I always knew that halo was a knock-off bought at a pawn shop and you were secretly one of us,” said Satan proudly to his fellow fallen angel Angie.

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The Hurricane Katrina Victims Who Are Suing Brad Pitt’s Foundation Pretty Much Said That He Was Just In It For The Good PR 

December 13, 2018 / Posted by:

Now that Brad Pitt has finalized the custody issues with Angelina Jolie (for now), he can focus on what’s really important. No not his acting in Quentin Tarantino’s Manson murder movie. He can focus on his next real life drama: getting sued by the good people of New Orleans for those shitty houses he built them.

Brad’s Make It Right foundation build houses for people who suffered through Hurricane Katrina, and the houses turn out to be as solid as his performance in The Counselor. The houses had problems. Brad decided he would sue the architect, and he also tried to get his own name taken out of the class action lawsuit which was filed against him and Make It Right by the owners of those trash houses. Brad was all: “This isn’t my fault! I just tried to do something nice with a half-assed effort! Leave me alone!” but the people of New Orleans were like: “No ma’am.” Continue reading

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Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt Filed Their Custody Agreement

December 5, 2018 / Posted by:

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie finally came to a peace agreement a couple of weeks ago regarding the custody of their children, and now The Blast is saying it’s officially filed with the court.

Brad and Angelina were fighting tooth, nail, and sharp cheekbone over a custody arrangement for their six kids. The alleged gist of which was that Brad wanted a reasonable amount of custody and Angelina didn’t want to give it to him. Brad and Angelina came to a decision, but it’s only temporary, and it states that Brad will gain more visitation over time. Sources tell The Blast that as of right now, Brad gets less than 50% custody of the kids. Even though Brad is currently sitting on less than 50% custody, a source tells UsWeekly that Brad got exactly what he wanted.

However, that increase in visitation is likely to happen after Brad and Angelina finalize all the financial parts of their divorce. There are hundreds of millions of dollars worth of property and money that need to be sorted out before everything is 100% wrapped up.

Brad and Angelina seemed to really enjoy yanking each other’s chains during this whole custody process. So of course it feels a little strange that the custody part it would end (for now) on such a smooth note. The custody agreement was just…filed? Like, filed normally? Dropped off on someone’s desk, without any yelling or tearing of the folder it was filed in? If I were the person responsible for accepting those papers, I would have opened them with an old priest and a young priest standing close by. Because if it’s too good to be true, then it probably is, and those papers are cursed.

Pic: Wenn.com

Satan Is Freezing His Ass Off Today, Because Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt Have Agreed On A (Possibly Temporary) Child Custody Agreement

December 1, 2018 / Posted by:

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were married from August 2014 to September 2016 when she took a sledgehammer to the holy kingdom of Brangelina by filing for divorce. They’re still married, so their divorce fight has lasted longer than the damn marriage, and that’s mostly because they’ve been shanking at each other over custody of the child army. It was reported that St. Angie wanted full physical custody of their six children with Brad getting visitation rights (a St. Angie source later claimed she didn’t want full custody, uh huh).

Because St. Angie and Brad kept fighting over the custody situation and couldn’t agree on what to do, they were headed for a trial on December 4. Story after story came out about the trial, and some said they both were trying to avoid it while other sources said that Angie was slathering her face with holy water-infused Crisco and was ready to fight Brad in court and drag him for being a bad dad (who turns the friendly skies into the RAGEY SKIES!!! by drunkenly yelling at the kids on private planes). But we’re not going to hear stories about how a judge was struck down by God’s lightning bolt for having the audacity to disagree with St. Angie about something, because she and Brad have signed their names on a custody agreement. An agreement that would be confidential if something called “sources” didn’t exist.

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Brangelina Needs More Time To Settle Their Custody Fight

November 27, 2018 / Posted by:

If we’ve learned one thing from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie splitting up, it’s that those two are taking out all the pent-up rage they’ve amassed over the years of do-gooder ways around the world and letting it out on each other in the form of a custody battle. I figured those two would never actually get divorced and just spend the next few decades firing off legal letters until Judge Judy settled their marital tiff. But then it was reported that they’re trying to settle their custody issues so they can avoid going to trial. And now they’re asking for a lot more time to shank at each other in a private conference instead of in a courtroom.

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