Gwyneth Paltrow Admits She’s Bad At Romance

August 31, 2017 / Posted by:

When I free associate on the name Gwyneth Paltrow these are the first things that pop into my mind: Vaginas, dietary restrictions, Brad Pitt, aggressively Caucasian, talks weird, head in a box. Gwyneth recently appeared on Sophia Amoruso’s Girlboss podcast (via Page Six), and she managed to reaffirm most of them in a single interview! But the big take away is that Gwyneth revealed she is romantically challenged, and once again admits she was to blame for things not working out with Brad.

Gwyneth says:

“Oh my God, I’ve fucked up so many relationships. I’m a pretty good friend and sister and daughter, but I am at my potentially most vulnerable and fucked up in the romantic slice of the pie.” Jokingly calling out to her 1990s boyfriend Brad Pitt over the airwaves, she said, “I fucked that up, Brad!”

So the scoop is she is the one who fucked things up between her and Brad. Totally believable, I’m not going to question that. What I will question however is what does “fucked up in the romantic slice of the pie” mean? Whaaa? That is a straight up word salad. English is Gwyneth’s native language, right? This is not a thing people say. Idiomatic language can be challenging, and there is always room for variation, but let’s try not to mix “pie” and “fucking” together in a single metaphor. I also take issue with “relationships of quality,” because barf. I do like that she says fuck a lot. That I will allow.

In the interview, Gwyneth goes on to defend herself again against critics of her snake oil empire and the dust up over the coochie eggs she was slinging.

“I had a few days over the last three months where I was like ‘fuck it.’ It was so deeply unfair and I wish people would do their homework before they are vitriolic about it.”

Vitriol is a fun, old timey word. It of course means “harsh or angry words,” but it also means “a sulfate of any various metals,” which, ironically, is something one might find in snake oil recipes of old. But I am being deeply unfair to Gwyneth. It’s true, I have not done my homework. I am ashamed of myself. Maybe I should just go into a hole. Gwyneth? Any advice?

“Going into a hole is exactly the opposite of the lesson. The lesson is to energetically cultivate ‘fuck you.'”

Energetically“? “Cultivate“? “Fuck you“? OK, sold!


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