For what feels like eons, Ariana Grande, Miley Cyrus, and Lana Del Rey have been threatening us with this generation’s answer to Moulin Rouge’s Lady Marmalade. Well, keep a glass of water nearby, because you’re going to need to cleanse your palate from the bland bitterness of this Lady Ambien Chutney that MAL (No, that doesn’t stand for Miley, Ariana, and Lana. It stands for BAD) dropped onto eyes and ears last night. If you were late to work this morning and used the excuse, “Sorry, I overslept because I watched the industrial-strength sleep aid known as Don’t Call Me Angel,” I’m sure your boss hit back with, “Me too.”
That still of MAL sums the video up. Ariana’s neck and back are slowing breaking as she tries to bring the sexy while carrying ten tons of pony hair and feathers. Miley Cyrus is pooting out a cloud of manufactured edgy sexiness. And Lana Del Rey is trying to remember what strain of weed she smoked right before signing the contract, agreeing to this mess, because she’s never smoking that shit again.
Don’t Call Me Angel (But Call My Server Over Because I Need Some Coffee To Wake Me Up After Watching This Boringness) is the theme song of the latest Charlie’s Angels reboot starring Kristen Stewart, Ella Balinska, and Naomi Scott. You could say that DCMA is sort of a follow-up to an actually good Charlie’s Angels theme song, Independent Woman, Pt. 1, because Miley, Ariana, and Lana are so independent of each other that they’re each singing a totally different fucking song.
Since I was the brat who immediately grabbed the Fisher-Price xylophone during music time at preschool, I head-bounced to the xylophone parts in DCMA, but it all slips into the messy gutter after that. Miley Cyrus is some kind of Half-Penny Million Dollar Baby whose Angels skill is distracting her enemies as they say to her, “You know, I know a great dry shampoo I can recommend,” before hitting them with a coochie punch. Ariana is a baby Angel in a Yandy Halloween costume who distracts her enemies as they ask, “Shouldn’t you be in school?“, before pummeling their brains with the mumble stream coming out of her mouth. At one point, Ariana says, “Keep my name out yo mouf,” to which we all say, “Deal, but keep the marbles out yo mouf so we can understand what the hell you’re saying.”
And then there’s Lana, who distracts her enemies as they ask, “Shouldn’t you be doing a Bond song instead?“, before she Lorena Bobbitts them.
There’s also a half-assed Victoria’s Secret show in there, and honestly it’s like Ariana and Miley are the cool girls, and Lana is the goth cousin who they only befriended because she’s new to their school and their mom made them hang out with her.
And Miley licking on Ariana tells me that she’s a secret double agent who was hired to destroy the Angels one by one with her infamous tongue of terror!