Drowsy Filler-Face Kim Kardashian Hired Drowsy Filler-Face Lana Del Rey To Sing At Her Wedding

Grab a pillow, your best Snuggie (what, you don’t have more than one?), text your doctors at the sleep disorder clinic that you don’t need them anymore because you’ve found a guaranteed cure for your insomnia, and book the next flight to France so you can sneak into Kim Kardashian’s wedding reception and prepare to take the greatest, most satisfying nap of your life.

According to the Daily Mirror, the come-to-life collagen-plumped Ambien pill that is Lana Del Rey has agreed to perform at Kim’s wedding-themed pre-divorce attention-seeking spectacular on Saturday. Kanye West had originally tried to bribe Lana Del Taco to sing during the tacky proposal episode of KUWTK, but she declined, so he had a brass band play her song  “Young and Beautiful” instead. But it looks like this time he backed a more significant dump truck full of cash into her driveway, because she’s agreed to sing “Young and Beautiful” during the wedding episode of Kim’s reality show.

The boring song, which was written for the ultra-boring The Great Gatsby remake, is apparently Kim’s favorite song (because she’s too dumb to understand the concept of irony) but it’s a good choice for a wedding song, since “I Love Money” is a bit too fast for a first dance, and Kanye wants to save “Gold Digger” for 72 days after the wedding.

Between Kim’s busted animatronic face and awful, nasal monotone voice, and Lana’s vacant expression and singing that sounds like a musical yawn, that reception will be so drowsy it will make The Hall of Presidents at Disney World feel like a night with Mad Max in the fucking Thunderdome. If Pimp Mama Kris wants anyone to stay awake long enough to give a shit, she better replace all the jordan almonds in the bombonieres with high-grade crack cocaine. “Hey mom (heavy breathing) what are you gonna do with all those almonds?” – Rob Kardashian.

Speaking of heavy breathing, here’s Kim looking like a tightly-packed sausage (what else is new, right?) and Kanye picking up the custom Spanx for the bridal party. Well, at least Kim’s Spanx; I mean, I only see 4 garment bags.

Pics: Splash

Behold, The Basic Bitch Version Of The Seven Dwarfs

Well look who we have here, it’s the seven basic bitches: Skinny, Boozy, Aussie, Goopy, Cougary, Bleachy, and McCartney (you know you’re the definition of basic when your nickname is just your last name).

On Friday night, struggling single mother Gwyneth Paltrow treated herself to a night out with her girlfriends at vegan restaurant Crossroads (once again, I feel the need to mention that it is tragically NOT a Crossroads-themed restaurant). Since it’s scientifically impossible to have a group of seven women get together for a girl’s night without taking a picture of it as proof (try it – I promise you it’s impossible), Gwyneth made sure not to leave without uploading a selfie to Instagram of herself, Nicole Richie, Chelsea Handler, Naomi Watts, Sam Taylor-Wood, Gwen Stefani, and Stella McCartney. Hold on a second, Nicole Richie? Color me a Simple Life-shade of confused. When did they become friends? OH MY GOD, WHO CARES. This group of women is the visual form of chasing 2 Ambien with a mug of Sleepytime tea.

Even though I normally cackle with delight in watching Gwyneth Paltrow try to do normal people things (divorces, hot dogs, etc) I actually really like this picture. I know, book me a room at Calmwood. Whatever filter (or lack of filter) Gwyneth used makes it look like the picture was taken during the middle of a seance held at Castle Goopskull using a broken Polaroid i-Zone, and Gwen Stefani is the first poor soul to be possessed by the malevolent spirit they summoned from hell. It’s like Paranormal Activity 4: Snobby Rich Ladies. It’s terrifying. I love it.

The Only Hot Piece In Shakira’s Latest Video Is An On-Fire Wedding Gown

Since she’s no longer allowed to dry hump on dudes, and having reached her gayelle-ish quota for the year, Shakira was forced to get creative while filming the video for “Empire”. Instead of dressing up as sexy Darth Vader or sexy Salacious B. Crumb (which is what I would do if I was filming a video for a song called “Empire”), Shakira gathered up all the Bridal Barn cast-offs from Kim Kardashian’s Vogue shoot and crashed a church service in the Sound of Music hills. I know we’re supposed to believe it’s her wedding, but without a dude in a tux waiting for her at the end of the aisle, she just looks like some crazy bitch who wandered into 3pm communion at Corpus Christi church. Couldn’t they have at least used a life-sized cut-out of a groom, or is Gerard Piqué also insanely jealous and territorial around cardboard?

Additionally, pseudo-artsy shit like lighting a wedding dress on fire or doing the crackie shuffle in an abandoned hobo clubhouse in a Miraclesuit makes no goddamned sense, because the song itself sounds like it was written during the last 10 minutes of an after-school creative writing class by a group of valley girls. For instance, the phrase “And I’m like” is said 17 times (yes, I counted, and yes, you can visit me at the mental institution between the hours of 3pm and 4pm). Correct me if I’m wrong, but is there not a law that states if you say the words “And I’m like” more than 10 times, you are legally obligated to film your music video in the clearance section of a Delias? No? Well, there should be.

Beyoncé Paid Tribute To Kim Kardashian’s Massive Lumpy Ass Last Night At The BRIT Awards

Except you know Beyoncé refers to her as ‘Kanye’s reality show girlfriend’. HA! Listen to me, acting like Beyoncé even acknowledges her at all. Every time Kim Kardashian approaches Beyoncé, Blue Ivy probably steps in and asks “Can I help you, ma’am? Are you here for an autograph?” before whipping out a Sasha Fierce-era 8×10 glossy and asking who she would like it made out to. “I can’t write very well, because I’m a toddler, but let’s just pretend this squiggle represents whatever it is your name is. What is that you’re holding; is that your baby? Ooo-wee, there but for the grace of Bey go I.”

But the tribute to Kim doesn’t simply end at Bey’s RuPaul-approved padded ass (for real though, it looks like her stylist cut two pieces of foam padding in the shape of Africa). According to The Mirror, Nick Grimshaw, everyone at the O2 Arena, most of Twitter, The Queen, her corgis, Paddington Bear, and a sleeve of McVitie’s Ginger Nuts all thought Beyoncé’s performance of XO at the BRIT Awards last night put the snore in boring. Well, you know what they say: if you want to put on a boring performance, there’s no better reference material than Kim’s sex tape.

After watching a bit of it myself, I have to admit it’s not that bad (I know, what’s happening, book an MRI). I was expecting a Theraflu-sponsored performance by a more-capable Lana Del Rey on horse tranquilizers, but we just got Beyoncé being plain ol’ Beyoncé. Look, British people, you set your expectations too high; not every performance is going to involve greasy chair grinding and surfborts. Sometimes you’re just going to get Blue Ivy’s mom in a long-ass lacefront and one of the leftover gowns from Dreamgirls.

(Pics: Splash, Wenn)

Dakota Johnson Thinks Her Character In Fifty Shades Of Grey Is Boring

“Duh” – that outfit.

I’m the last person who should be judging movies (the fact that my favorite film – YES I SAID FILM – is Bio Dome tells you something about how few cylinders are firing at any given time in my brain) but even I know that without full-frontal dong-shots, Fifty Shades of Grey is bound to be a boring mess. And according to an interview with Vanity Fair (via Us Weekly) it looks like my hopes of Dakota Johnson coming to the rescue by embracing this goofy trash and camping it up are crushed, because even her character, Anastasia Steele, is putting her to sleep, too:

“[I did] a lot of getting into the character’s head — Ana’s headspace — kind of before she meets Christian,” Johnson explained to the magazine. “So it’s a lot of reading, which I love. But she’s an English major, so that’s kind of boring.”

Why oh why couldn’t E. L. James have written Anastasia Steele as a melodramatic, glue-sniffing, washed-up model from the 90s?? Unless they’re re-writing part of the script to include a wisecracking robot with a penchant for butt jokes, nothing can save this movie. Regardless, at least Dakota someone will pay to watch it:

Johnson, like Fifty Shades fans, can’t wait for the premiere — and to see who will attend. “I wonder if it will be, like, 40-year-old moms, which I am cool with,” she said. “I love moms.”

That’s nice, but know who won’t love the thousands of 40-year-old Fifty Shades moms? The poor souls assigned to clean up the red carpet after the premiere. Mark my words: that carpet will be so flood-damaged, FEMA will be called in with every 10 gallon capacity wet/dry vacuum cleaner in the country and an industrial-sized vat of Febreze.

Wiz Khalifa Took A Snooze During Taylor Swift’s Grammy Performance

I always thought my spirit animal would come to me in the form of a talking bag of Cool Ranch Doritos in a drug rug, not a come-to-life Clifford with regrettable neck tattoos and sloppy Busta Rhymes hair; but I guess life happens when you’re making other plans (or something else I read on a poster in the washroom of my dentist’s office while furiously spitting out fluoride). Anyways, today I found a kindred spirit in Wiz Khalifa when Us Weekly reported that he recently admitted on Fashion Police that he fell asleep during Princess Taylor’s piano recital performance at the Grammy’s:

“I loved that you had the good watch on, which is the detail,” Fashion Police host Joan Rivers told Khalifa of his flashy accessory at the Jan. 26 Grammys in L.A. “How many times did you check that watch during Taylor Swift’s endless ballad?”

“We love Taylor,” Khalifa’s wife Amber Rose replied, diplomatically.

But Khalifa didn’t want to play so nice. “I love Taylor, but I’m not even gonna lie, I fell asleep,” he said. “Just a little bit . . . then I woke back up.”

You had me at falling asleep, you lost me at “I love Taylor”. I’m kidding! Everyone’s allowed to love one embarrassing thing. Some people have Del Taco. Others have Tevas. For me, it’s Ke$ha (and not in an ironic way, either. I legit would love to be friends with that terrifically sloppy dumb pastel mess). So I’ll give Wiz a pass on Taylor, but it’s so over if I ever hear him say “You know what? Two and a Half Men is actually really fucking funny”. YOU GET ONE. ONLY ONE.

The 2015 Grammy committee should take what Wiz is saying as a valid criticism of the show, and not just the brain fart of a guy who looks like he eats Crunch Berries all day long in his sweatpants. Taylor was boring. But you know what made her 1000% more interesting? When someone superimposed Ryu from Street Fighter kicking her in the face:

To prevent napping, they should film all the performances in advance and add in video game character doing dumb shit. How could anyone fall asleep to Sonic the Hedgehog running laps around Macklemore?