Category: Coldplay

New Edition And New Kids On The Block Faced Off In A Battle Of The Boy Bands At Last Night’s American Music Awards

November 22, 2021 / Posted by:

The 2021 American Music Awards happened last night and was hosted by Cardi B, who I’m amazed didn’t reveal another pregnancy because she loves to do that. But she did crack jokes and managed to screech “My underarms itch!” in her opening monologue, so that happened. But more importantly, there was music at the American Music Awards (shocking) and we were treated to a plethora of acts. Including a reunion-slash-battle between two classic boy bands, New Kids On The Block and New Edition.

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Coldplay Is Taking A Break From Touring Until They Can Make It More Environmentally Friendly

November 21, 2019 / Posted by:

Damn Chris Martin! He’s (temporarily) neutralized my Gwyneth Paltrow incest jokes with a single blow. Chris’ band Coldplay is doing a nice thing, and even though I’d rather have a grubby toddler who just ate a tuna fish sandwich whisper jokes in my ear on a hot day than attend a Coldplay concert, I have to give credit where it’s due. According to CNN, Coldplay will be taking a break from touring (please hold your applause, that’s not the mitzvah) in order to find a way to make it more environmentally friendly (you may now clap. Or roll your eyes. Or shit your pants, I’m not the boss of you!).

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This May Be The Most Hardcore Rock & Roll Thing That Has Ever Happened At A Coldplay Show

August 9, 2016 / Posted by:

I no longer think that Coldplay is about as edgy as a popped polo shirt collar on a suburban dad driving a bright green Camaro, because some hardcore shit went down at one of their shows over the weekend. It was more rock & roll than the time Chris Martin accidentally said a curse word during a backstage pep talk.

Coldplay played a show for SiriusXM at a bar called The Stephen Talkhouse in the Hamptons on Sunday and the place was filled with regulars who won a contest and famous tricks like Karlie Kloss, Goopy Paltrow, Sarah Jessica Parker, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Christie Brinkley, Jimmy Buffet, Harvey Weinstein, Calvin Klein, Jon Bon Jovi and professional shit stirrer/diet booze mogul Bethenny Frankel of The Real Drunk Mess of New York City. Since the Botoxed praying mantis seems to live her life like Bravo’s cameras are always on her, she caused a scene and committed a criminal act when she wasted the sweet nectar by throwing a cocktail at some chicks who annoyed her. That’s what Page Six says anyway.

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Chris Martin Is A Delicate Flower But His Bandmates Are Not

March 19, 2016 / Posted by:

You know the saying “you are what you eat”? Yes. You do. You also know that whole thing about hang around trash too long and you’ll start stinking? Yeah. That too. Well, there’s a reason sayings become sayings, cliches becomes cliches and the DListed writers drink. Because they’re true! We can all check another thing off on that list of “duh” and “wow I’m so surprised” – Chris Martin. He’s consciously uncoupled from Gwyneth Paltrow but it seems that he hasn’t consciously uncoupled from her antics, approach to life and how to act like a normal human… who happens to have all the money in the world and “enjoys” things like macrobiotic meals and organic bird foot facials.

Page Six is reporting that while Coldplay – the band that is the answer to every white man’s favorite band section on Match.com – were performing on Today earlier in the week, Chris got treated like a precious dew drop while his bandmates were treated like buckets of mop water. It was pissing down rain while they “entertained” a crowd of people that are clearly fucking insane for waking up that early to see Coldplay. After their set was done, handlers and assistants ran to La Preciosa Diamante Muy Delicata, Chris, with towels and umbrellas and space heaters and those blankets runners get after a marathon and blowdryers and a mink burpy cloth and a chaise lounge, but the other members of the band got jack shit. They didn’t even get a Shamwow thrown at them by a sleazy producer saying “wipe ya self off kid, ya look like a slut“.

A rep for the band responded by saying that “this is absolutely and completely false on every level — except that it was raining. Pouring, actually, freezing-cold rain.” And except that he forgot there were other people in Coldplay, right? I did. I thought it was just Chris Martin and some time out dolls he dresses up in hemp t-shirts with vaguely *spiritual* symbols on them. The band apparently stayed after the show to hang out with member of the Vehicular Manslaughter Club, former first lady Laura Bush (other members include Brandy Norwood, Rebecca Gayheart and Caitlyn Jenner). I don’t know what’s less believable – that Coldplay’s handlers give a shit about any of the other band members or that the band hung out with Laura Bush.

Pic: Wenn

Chris Martin Almost Took An Ass To The Face During The NME Awards Last Night

February 18, 2016 / Posted by:

Because the picture above looks like a page from Where’s Waldo? that’s been filtered through painkillers and waxed paper, allow me to explain what we’re looking at. In the purple t-shirt in the bottom center we have Chris Martin. Surrounding him is the rest of Coldplay. And in the middle of the table is Oli Sykes, the leader singer of a band called Bring Me the Horizon, who thought a good way to get some attention would be to climb up on Coldplay’s table during the NME Awards in London last night. Oli got up there and tore it up harder than Gwyneth Paltrow’s colon after an all-kale juice cleanse.

According to the Daily Mail, Oli Sykes (or as he’s no doubt known by the people at the linen rental company who have to clean the shoe prints out of that tablecloth, Oli Sucks) had people wondering what kind of drugs they serve backstage at the NME Awards when he trashed Coldplay’s table during his band’s performance. As you can see in the video below, not so soon after he got up, that table started a-rockin’ and Oli made the smart decision to hop off.

TMZ seems to think that Sykes threw a tabletop tantrum because the art for Coldplay’s latest album, A Head Full of Dreams, looks sort of like the art from their 2013 album, Sempiternal. They accused Coldplay of copying them back in November. However, Sykes claims that had nothing to do with it, and that he was just angry over “sound problems.

It doesn’t take a detective to know that Oli is a table-stomping liar. You’ve got to really hate someone with all your heart to climb up on their table and smash all their alcohol. What makes it even worse is that Coldplay had to then sit through the rest of some third-tier banquet hall-looking award show with no booze. That’s some evil revenge, Oli.

The Time Beyonce Turned Down A Chris Martin Song Because It Was Awful

February 8, 2016 / Posted by:

The day after Beyonce made Rudy Giuliani clutch all of his pearls over her “shocking anti-police” performance and Coldplay nailed their  “Up with People on Valerian” impersonation at the Super Bowl, Rolling Stone released their new issue with Chris Martin’s face on the cover. During the interview with Rolling Stone, Chris called his divorce from Goopy Paltrowweird” and “wonderful” (those two human “ughs” deserve each other) and he also talked about his ex-wife’s bestest friend in the entire world Beyonce for a little bit.

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