Category: Crimes Against Humanity

Open Post: Hosted By James Corden As A Thrusting, Blunt-Smoking Mouse From Hell

August 29, 2021 / Posted by:

James Corden truly hates the drivers of Los Angeles and answers, “Nope!”, to the question, “Haven’t the drivers of Los Angeles been through enough?!” Because he already terrorizes the streets of Los Angeles by unleashing yodeling famous people on them with Carpool Karaoke, and he struck again on Friday. James and his co-stars from future Razzie sweeper, Amazon’s Cinderella, busted out a flash mob in front of traffic stopped at a red light in West Hollywood. James (who plays a footman/mouse), Camila Cabello (Cinderella), Idina Menzel (Cinderella’s stepmother), Billy Porter (Cinderella’s fairy godparent), and others all got dressed up as their Cinderella characters to sing and shake their asses to Jennifer Lopez’s Let’s Get Loud in the middle of the street. Some drivers probably thought to themselves, “A flash mob? Did I just drive into 2005?” as others used every will in their being to resist the urge to hit that gas pedal hard and careen out of that mess.

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Justin Bieber Got Shit For Sampling Martin Luther King Jr. On His New Album, But MLK’s Family Approves 

March 20, 2021 / Posted by:

It has to be a felony to put those two names in the same sentence, so I’m a little fearful for my future right now. Justin Bieber, however, blithely goes about his day committing musical and fashion crimes of all kinds and manages to remain blissfully unfettered by concerns of consequences. Justin Bieber’s sixth studio album, Justice, was released yesterday, and in it, he uses clips of two speeches from Martin Luther King Jr. to introduce songs, including a love song. So, like Martin Luther King Jr., Biebs has a dream, and, as usual, it’s wet.

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Tekashi 69 Just Landed A $10 Million Record Deal

October 10, 2019 / Posted by:

I know McGruff the Crime Dog didn’t work himself into the ground, hitting the pavement each and every godforsaken day of his life to try to teach these fucking kids a lesson about the perils of crime only to be DISRESPECTED by The Painted Goblin of Clown Town! Yet here we are. The Shadow warned America way back in the 1930s that “crime doesn’t pay”. Turns out, that was complete and utter bullshit. TMZ reports that Tekashi 69, who is currently facing racketeering charges, and previously pleaded guilty to the use of a child in a sexual act, and whose entire existence could be considered a crime against humanity, has just been handed a $10 million recording contract. I’ll give you a minute to go bandage your hand after punching your computer screen just now.

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A Woman Called 911 After Taco Bell Ran Out Of Taco Shells

June 6, 2019 / Posted by:

Sometimes it’s hard to tell what a true emergency is and sometimes it’s dead obvious. Like when a Louisiana resident found out that Taco Bell was out of both hard AND soft shells for their tacos and called 911 to report the crime of no taco shells in her belly. I know what you’re thinking, maybe call the non-emergency line instead of 911? Or just write a strongly worded Yelp review. But we don’t know her truth! Maybe she was really hungry and tacos are her favorite and now she’s just suppose to eat cinnamon twists and a taco salad?! This is America. We eat our Taco Bell tacos in shells, not in salad form like the French!

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You Ran Over My Fucking FOOT, But I’m Richard Simmons, So I’m Cool Like That

December 28, 2012 / Posted by:

PLEASE do not disfigure Richard Simmons, EVER. Who could do such a thing? In this video from TMZ, some Asian guy (okay, stop with the Asian driving jokes) did just that, and watch how Richard handles his flattened foot situation. Too cute.

Richard Simmons is the hot slut of this and every generation, okay??? RECOGNIZE, step off (his foot, no seriously, step off), and give a little love to the man who believes that fitness is fun while the rest of us just go “meh” and scratch at our hairy FUPAS.

Go Richard!

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