Jon Hamm Says Jon Hamm Is Too Damn Old To Play A Superhero

During an interview with the very British-sounding RadioTimes.com (via NY Daily News) about his very British Black Mirror Christmas special, The Hammaconda’s handsome human handler Jon Hamm confessed that the reason you’ll never see him play a superhero like Superman or Superman’s hunky uncle Sexyman (that’s a superhero that exists, right?) is because at 43-years-old, he’s too old for that shit. Jon admits that he’s been offered quite a few superhero roles, but he’ll never take them because he’s nearing the age where his superhero’s greatest foe will be hair loss and high cholesterol:

“The deals that they make you do are so draconian. And, of course, you are signed on for not only the movie that you are signed on for … but at least two more that you haven’t read and you have no idea what they are going to be and all the crossover ones you are going to have to do. For me to sign on now to do a superhero movie would mean I would be working until I am 50 as that particular superhero.”

He also went on to say that it’s not just that he’s too old; it’s also that nobody outside of giant penis enthusiasts even know who the fuck he is:

“Ask anyone under the age of 20 if they have heard of me and they will go, ‘No, that guy looks like my dad.’ It doesn’t compute to the generation that most of Hollywood cares about. If your last name’s not Hemsworth or you are not in One Direction or you don’t wear a cape and tights for a living, you literally have a hard time making an impression.”

On the other hand, if you ask anyone over the age of 20 if they have heard of him, they will go “Is this a serious question? YES, that guy looks like a dad. A dad I’d like to…well, you know.” So really, it’s all relative. But it is nice that Jon Hamm is pretending that the reason he hasn’t taken a superhero role is because he’s too old, and not because he knows he’d cause mass crotch explosions if audiences ever saw his spandex-wrapped ham sausage projected 20-feet tall onto an IMAX screen.

And Now, For The Time A Very Upset Pregnant Amy Poehler Was Comforted By Jon Hamm

Because Satan always needs new reading material for his book club in Hell, Amy Poehler is releasing a memoir titled Yes Please at the end of October. In it, she tells the story about when she met Jon Hamm (a highlight of anyone’s life, really) while he was hosting SNL for the first time. Amy was next-level pregnant (her baby basically had one foot out the door) and found out during the rehearsal of a Mad Men sketch that her doctor had just died:

“I was due the next day. So it’s my first kid, I’m in a Mad Men outfit, I turn to everybody and I hysterically start crying, and a really pregnant woman crying is terrifying. So, juicy tears just like squirting out of my eyes. And it was like the punch line to a joke, it’s like, my doctor just died and I’m due tomorrow. And Jon Hamm, who I am just getting to know, comes over and puts his hands on my shoulder and is like, ‘This is a really important show for me. I’m gonna need you to get your shit together.’ And I laughed so hard, I probably peed myself – I believe that going through crying to laughing adds like five years to your life.”

That’s a lovely story, but it sounds like she cleaned it up a bit at the request of her publishers. I bet the original version went something like this:

“Shit was bad and I couldn’t stop crying. Then all of a sudden, I felt something heavy resting on my shoulder. I turned around and saw a giant penis. It spoke no words; it simply looked at me as if to say ‘Please, gaze upon my beauty and forget your troubles. For I am The Hammaconda, sent from heaven above to comfort you in your time of need.’ Then it picked up my suitcase and drove me to the hospital.”

If CBS is ever looking to reboot Touched By An Angel…

After A Day Full Of Bieber, We Need The Hammaconda

As always, The Hammaconda has perfect timing. It knows when it’s needed the most (read: Jon Hamm knows when not to wear chonies outside).

Pics: FameFlynet

It’s The Holiday Hammaconda!

Jon Hamm is obviously embracing the season of giving because he trotted out the Hammaconda as a gift to us all at Barneys in L.A. while shopping with his girlfriend Jennifer Westfeldt. She looks kind of embarrassed to be seen with that big lug (and Jon) and she needs to reel that shame in. There are plenty of men and women out there who would gladly trade places with her and would jump out of that store in front of Jon in a full-on Mary Katherine Gallagher “SUPERSTAR” move to announce that the Hammaconda is coming while the “fall on your kneeeeees” line from O Holy Night plays in the background.

I just noticed I got white chocolate all over the front of my shirt when I was dipping Christmas cookies earlier and nothing goes better with pics of peen print than a shirt that looks like it received the Lewinsky treatment. Jon doesn’t usually do much for me, but apparently the holiday spirit has shown itself in the form of fake jizz. I’ve been shit this year, but if Santa wants to do a bitch a favor, he can bring me the Hammaconda and Liam Neeson so I can live my dream of jumping double dutch using their dicks as ropes (I have weird fantasies).

(Pics: Splash, Wenn)

It’s The Return Of The Hammaconda!

After spending most of the summer hibernating up in between Jon Hamm’s ass cheeks, the Hammaconda has flopped out and is once again ready for its close-up now that Mad Men has started shooting again. If you look closely (and I know your peen-loving ass is) you can almost see the Hammaconda smiling at the camera. Or maybe it’s winking.

While checking his Google alerts to see if any new pictures of his Hammaconda have come out, Jon “Don’t Look At My Free Hanging Dick” Hamm walked to the set of Mad Men in L.A. yesterday. I went through all the pictures and I didn’t see any pictures of Hammaconda Hunters, hired by AMC executives, chasing him with a net and trying to hold him down so they can put three pairs of chonies on him. So I’m guessing AMC gave up on trying to get Jon Hamm to wear Hammaconda-hiding underwear. I’m hoping that means that on the last season of Mad Men, they will explore the Hammaconda’s backstory in flashbacks and show us its early days growing up in the Hammazon Jungle.

Pics: Pacific Coast News

Presented With Just Two Comments: A Giant Snake That Can Open Doors

1. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

2. Let’s just get it out of the way and declare The Hammaconda our new overlord already. It can get up, open doors and go to the bathroom by itself, so it’s only a matter of time before we’re all its slaves. I can’t wait.

via Buzzfeed