Ansel Elgort’s Bulge Got Him Trending On Twitter

March 31, 2020 / Posted by:

One possible anagram of Ansel Elgort is Enlarge Slot, which may actually be quite fitting. According to The Internet, anyone finding themselves with the opportunity to receive Ansel’s Elgort, may need to do just that. We are getting reports that Baby Driver’s gear shift is a baby’s arm. I know these are dry and flaccid times we are living in, and as such, I’m horrified to report that The Internet has decided that inspecting Ansel’s bulge with such scrutiny that he would up trending on Twitter, was a good use of its time. And the consensus is that DJ Adolescent Jared Kushner is packing meat.

We’ve seen The Hammaconda, and based on multiple sightings over a span of many years, we have determined it to be real and spectacular. ONTD reports that, based on a much smaller sample of evidence, Twitter users have determined that Ansel’s anvil is noteworthy. Since we don’t have anything better to do, let’s see for ourselves. Ansel is starring as Tony in West Side Story, is he a VLJ (very light jet) or a jumbo jet? Goldfinch or Albatross? Let’s have a look.

Well shit. Based on this evidence I’d say Ansel’s definitely got a situation on his hands. But I’ve been fooled by folds before. After further investigation, I found my way to a website called (yes you will get pop-up penises, but NSFW is meaningless these days), which offered additional photographic insight into what’s inside “this 6’4″ stud’s” trunks. My conclusion— Ansel Elgort has a big dick, but for what? It’s attached to a model/actor/DJ who once filled his Instagram page with moody topless selfies. Ansel is not manly, therefore the size of his dick means nothing to me. He still looks like he has a Lisa Frank sticker collection. Now, speaking of manliness, Jack Black‘s recent TikTock debut proves that there’s really no substitute for raw talent and charisma when it comes to animal magnetism.

No contest. I’ll take a mystery package wrapped in glitter and pizazz over an overstuffed bratwurst wrapped in plain brown paper any day.

Pic: Instagram

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