Jon Hamm And The Hammaconda Are Not Single

Star Magazine said a couple of weeks ago that Jon Hamm and his partner Jennifer Westfeldt were done after 18 years together, because she was sick of getting her cervix stitched back together every other week. No, the source said that they went their separate ways, because she wants kids and he doesn’t. There was also a rumor that he and the Hammaconda have moved on to Sandra Bullock, but I didn’t believe that shit, because I didn’t see any paparazzi pictures of her being pushed around in a wheelchair due to not being able to walk. But well, either Jon and Jennifer never broke up or they got back together, because a witness type tells Page Six that they were “canoodling” at the after-party for Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp.

“They were canoodling all night,” said our spy at the Standard Biergarten. “It certainly looked like they were very much together.”

As the pair got cozy, Hamm’s “Wet Hot” co-star Amy Poehler was “dancing and sweating profusely,” a witness said, along with “also sweaty” Judd Apatow. Who can blame them?

That source ruined it. Did I really need the image of sweat flying off of Judd Apatow’s face as he dropped it low to the beat?

So that’s that. If you’ve been spending many a night in the middle of the forest with your legs spread wide open and a warthog in front of your crotch, hoping that the Hammaconda will sniff it out and take the bait, stop doing that. The Hammaconda is probably busy with Jennifer Westfeldt for now, and besides, you may attract Khlozilla instead.