Jon Hamm And The Hammaconda Are Single, So Says Star Magazine

July 8, 2015 / Posted by:

If Star Magazine is right, then Jennifer Westfeldt will soon be seen at her local grocery store bursting into a melancholy tsunami of tears after seeing a white eggplant.

Jennifer Westfeldt and The Hammaconda’s human Jon Hamm got together long before Mad Men and I thought they were going to Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell it by being together forever without getting married. But well, a source tells Star that Jennifer and Jon are done after over 16 years together. If the Hammaconda needs a no-no to cry on, it knows where to find me….and the millions of other no-nos who want to console it during this sad time. We’ll all be waiting in the line marked “no-nos for the Hammaconda to cry on.”

If you believe the blind items, then you probably think that they broke up, because he has a lot of dick meat to give and wants to share it with the world, and she wasn’t into that. However, Star’s source says that they want different things. Jennifer wants a baby and Jon, who got out of rehab in March, doesn’t. I’m guessing that Jon doesn’t want a baby because he already has to take care of a giant living thing that lives on his crotch, has to be fed fresh mice all the time and snores so loud it wakes him up. The source said this about the supposed end of HammWest:

“The relationship just ran its course. Jennifer realized that she and Jon don’t want the same things. So they agreed that it was time to take a step back.”

This is coming from Star, so who knows. I won’t believe it until someone shows me Jennifer Westfeldt’s profile on Yes, there’s a dating website for big dick havers and the size queens who admire them. No, I don’t have a profile on there. Anymore.

Pic: Splash

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