Open Post: Hosted By The Man In England Who Got Abs Tattooed Onto His Stomach
Long gone are the days when winter and spring mean putting your summer body on layaway by spending countless hours in the gym. Who has time for that when there are delicious carbs to be eaten and thousands of different beers to consume? This is most certainly the thought process of one man who reached out to Manchester-based tattoo artist Dean Gunther asking to have a set of ripped abdominal muscles immortalized onto his pale, fluffy tummy to avoid the responsibility of health and fitness. And of course, Dean was happy to take his money and mar his skin for the rest of his life.
Ode to Seinfeld
Since Michael K is not around to hold my hand (I tried to get him to hold my ass but there’s that whole “ew, GIRL” issue) and jacko is off doing God knows what (GOD knows jacko!! Jussayin!), I had to try to find something on the interwebs myself. I hit every site I could think of and came up with NADA. So this is a post about nothing. Cause that’s what I got, NOTHING.
You know, nothing is highly underrated. Nothing needs to get a little love now and then, just like the rest of us sluts. No one has caressed nothing’s nalgas since the 90s when Jerry Seinfeld ruled the airways, and that is a sad, sad thing. People are always ripping on nothing, saying hateful shit like “nothing is more pathetic than Paris Hilton.” WRONG and INSENSITIVE.
So nothing, let’s drown our sorrows together in booze and bong hits. You guys can consider this OP2, or ignore it, or whatever makes your man in the boat float. Nothing is sacred. Nothing really matters. It’s NOTHING to me!
If any of you sluts have a juicy tidbit to share, I’m all ears. Otherwise I’m gonna sit here doing NOTHING (rrrrrOOOOoowwwr!), and nothing is (not) going to stop me.
Abram Boise Isn’t Full Of Shit Anymore
If you’re about to get into a bowl of Pintos ‘N Cheese or a bean enchilada, you better just back it up and stay far away from this post until you let out your last digestive burp. Okay, now that we’ve gotten that shit out of the way, here’s some more shit for you! This is 28-year-old Abram Boise. You might know his fool ass from Road Rules: South Pacific and about a million of those Real World/Road Rules shows. If you’re a potty training teacher, you might also meet Abram when he comes to you for a refresher course.
The Worcester Telegram says that Abram busted at 2am near a bar in Lunenburg, MA for being a loud drink who can’t keep his urine in his bladder when out in public. My dog pisses on walls in broad daylight so why can’t Abram? But the police didn’t see it that way and they brought him in. Abram wasn’t done taking the piss out of himself, because the officer said that he did a Fergie in his cell. So they moved in to another cell, and that’s when the shit the fan. Or should I say, the shit hit the wall.
Once in his new cell, Abram celebrated being in his new home by squeezing out a Jersey Shore in his hands and smearing that shit (I mean it in the literal sense this time) all over the walls. The officer said that Abram is a regular Poopcasso, because he wrote his name with his own shit. Abram was charged with pissing in public and being an overall nasty scat bitch. Abram isn’t even embarrassed about his acts of grashiti. Abram Tweeted (but later deleted) this mess:
just gout of jail…Loved it…I yelled and kicked their door for hours…Didn’t back down…Tried to stuff poop in his face:)
Cops were assholes tried to mace me in my cell.So I shit in my hand& thew it at him 🙂 fuck the police
Threw his shit at them? Tried to feed him caca? Did he take self-defense classes from monkeys or the girls from 2 girls, 1 cup? I’ve been filled to the top of my head with DRUNK and I don’t think I ever thought about squatting over my hands and… I take that back, there was that one time in Palm Springs…
And just the record, I WOULD NOT! Okay, maybe I would, but only if he kept a wine cork in his shit hole.
Sitting On Their Ass: Who Does It Better?
Above is a bitchy ass cat in a tie sitting on a toddler’s armchair while a bunch of kids sing “Happy Birfday!” to him. And below is an english bull dog sitting on his ass while watching the Family Guy. T
he mad pussy gets points for keeping his claws to himself even though he’s scratching the nostrils off of every person in the room with his eyes. However, the bulldog gets a million bonus points, because I’m pretty sure he actually enjoys sitting like Al Bundy with his pants off. If he didn’t have to lick his own asshole, he’d sit there all day and night. If his asshole was on one paw and his balls were on the other, he would be in heaven! Yeah, the dog does it better.
via Gawker TV