Pregnant Blake Lively Is Craving The Most Blake Lively-Sounding Pregnancy Foods

When Bland Lively announced she was knocked up with the fastest of Van Wilder’s sperms, I immediately braced myself for the eventual onslaught of fetus-themed delicate vintage diaper this and whimsical pregnancy farts that. Really, it was only a matter of time before Bland released a DIY on Preserve.us about curating an eclectic vignette inside your womb using antique mercury glass vases, naturally weathered barn wood, twinkle lights, and a bundle of sage to make the baby feel more “inspired” as it dances in slow-motion through the amniotic fluid wearing a crown made from organic wildflowers and its own umbilical cord.

Sadly, that hasn’t happened (yet). But until then, at least we know Bland has managed to extend her Aspiring Faux-Hipster Martha Stewart life theme into her pregnancy cravings. A source close to Bland (a talking vintage patchwork quilt) told Heat magazine (via The Mirror) that she’s craving quite possibly the most Preserve-iest of foodstuffs, and it’s Ryan Reynolds job to procure them:

“She sends Ryan out in the middle of the night for organic hand-churned pumpkin-flavoured ice cream and small-batch pickles.”

OF COURSE! Of course she’s craving hand-churned ice cream (although she probably refers to pumpkin as ‘early-harvest autumn squash’ and ice cream as ‘low-temperature sweet custard’). Although to be honest, I’m sure that if you put the words “Blake Lively” into Google Translate, the result would be a picture of a organic pumpkin ice cream. The only thing more Bland Lively than organic hand-churned pumpkin ice cream would be organic hand-churned plain ice cream (mmmmm…bland). But she’s pregnant, which means her tastes are a little more ~crazy~. Which brings me to the subject of small-batch pickles.

Where in the FUCK is Ryan Reynolds finding small-batch pickles in the middle of the night??? Ice cream I understand – I’m sure they sell that shit at the more upscale 7-Elevens. But small-batch pickles? Is there some secret 2am artisanal pickle pop-up shop I’m not aware of? I bet Ryan is just leaving every night with a mason jar, hitting up the closest 24-hour McDonalds drive-thru, ordering a cheeseburger with extra pickles, then pulling up to the second window with a $100 bill and telling them to put the pickles in the jar or he’ll make another Green Lantern movie. That sneaky hunk.

Blake Lively’s Got An Artisanal Fetus Growing In Her Womb

Blake NotSoLively’s transformation into the Anthropologie Goopy Paltrow is almost complete. Soon, Preserve.us (Yes, it is still a thing that exists) will reach GOOP levels of insufferable when Blake, the future expert on all things motherhood, dribbles out articles about how to make diapers out of vintage doll clothes and how the perfect teething gel can easily be made at home using fresh Valerian root, syrup from a weeping willow, crushed bee wing powder and a drop of love. Ryan Reynolds knocked up Blake NotSoLively and she announced it on her site today by throwing up that picture taken by her brother Eric Lively (aka Carey from So Weird) and a pretentious pile of words written by someone in Team Preserve. If you’re hungover like me, keep your eyes off of that statement unless you really want to spend a piece of your day wiping barf off of your keyboard.

Preserve at its core is about family.

Family is the single word our founder, Blake built this home on. We have something for men, for women, for the old, but we realized, we don’t have anything for the new. With family on our mind, we looked to the origin of it all—to the women in our lives who are right there, at that special moment; at the creation of family.

Today we celebrate them. With food to fill their tummies (as if that needs more filling), presents to soothe their tired (and swollen) soles, toys to warm their baby’s souls, projects to provoke them, and decorations to inspire creativity and merriment in all. We had too much fun with this. Because there’s so much to share, we break up our first ever Preserve Celebration into multiple parts. In the upcoming days we will bring even more treats and fun. The entire next month will be sprinkled with highlights for women in this exciting chapter of their lives.

Congratulations to all the expecting mothers out there.

And thank you for being a part of our Preserve family.

And so it begins….

I, for one, am into this news, because I can’t wait to see whose original nose their baby inherits and you know that kid’s name is going to be a twee disaster. I’m going with Aloisius Thistle Reynolds if it’s a boy and Lana Sitra (“artisanal” backwards) Reynolds if it’s a girl.

“Oh Ryan, I Feel Like A Princess! A Basic, Boring, Bland Princess!”

No, you’re not looking at a promotional still from the upcoming Pixar film “Toy Story 4: Barbie’s Boring Cousin Takes A Cleaned-Up Woody To A Boring-Ass Party”; it’s the glass of water-flavored water Blake Lively and her husband Ryan Reynolds on the red carpet at Cannes. And it looks like Blake took some notes at the Met Gala (“Note to self: people seem to fall asleep around you a lot”) because just like Beyoncé and Jay-Z before her, Blake and Ryan used their opportunity on the red carpet to remind everyone that they’re soooo in luv. Those giant smiles! The squinty eyes! The death-grip she has on his arm that says ‘WHY ISN’T THIS CARESSING MY FACE LOVINGLY LIKE WE PRACTICED?!?’ I hope the Cannes Film Festival red carpet is insured, because these two attention whores are acting it off the rails. “It’s the same level of dynamic emotion and range we’ve come to expect from Blake Lively when she appears on camera”, said no director ever.

All jokes aside, I’m starting to think Blake and Ryan gained access to a Geiger counter that calculates how boring a person is, because they’re really trying to appear a little more exciting, and I’ve got to admit that it’s working. Proof? I only yawned 4 times while writing this. Sure, I had to take a nap around the 3rd, but it was only for 1/2 an hour, which is a vast improvement from seeing a picture of them at the Met Gala and falling asleep for 2 days, waking up only after emergency services broke down the door to my apartment to make sure I was still alive after they received a frantic call from Dominos explaining that I must be dead because they hadn’t heard from me in 48-hours.

Here’s more of Van Wilder and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants’s most boring pants-wearer giving Jennifer Lawrence a run for her money in the exaggerate faces department at Cannes. You know you’re the definition of boring when I look at that giant Timbit on the back of your head and it doesn’t automatically make me jump in my car and haul ass to the nearest drive-thru for a honey dip snack-pack.

Pics: Splash

Oh, It’s Just Bey And Jay Pulling A Totally-Not-Choreographed Stunt At The Met Gala

The last time Her Majesty Beyoncé and Jay Z did some impromptu promo work to generate interest in their upcoming “On The Run” tour, they ended up looking as natural and convincing as a Blake Lively boob job. And now, literally three days later, they’re back at it again with a carefully orchestrated stunt meant to convince us to drop $200 to watch the two of them dry hump each other on stage while they lip-synch to ’03 Bonnie & Clyde.

While walking the red carpet at the Met Gala last night, a ring “accidentally” fell off one of Stunt Queen Bey’s fingers. Jay Z saw what happened, counted “one Mississippi, two Mississippi” in his head like Beyoncé instructed him to do in the 20 hours of practice at home, bent down to retrieve it, and on the way up he took her hand and pretended to propose to her with the ring. Stunt Queen Bey then looked around to make sure it was caught on camera before cycling through her rolodex of emotions and pulling out ‘bashful surprise’. And Jay Z did a great job of pretending he wasn’t completely dead inside.

So first we have Stuntyoncé LOL-ing at a basketball game date night, and now they’re pulling cutesy-poo shit like pretend proposals? What’s next on the list for the “Mobil On the Run” spontaneous acts of TRU WUV promo tour? Jay Z laying his coat over a puddle so Bey won’t ruin her shoes? Renewing their vows in a hot air balloon? Undergoing an experimental surgery that turns their faces into Precious Moments figurines? WHAT IS IT??

Here’s more of Stuntyoncé at the Met Gala before and after they awarded themselves a gold medal for their flawless execution of a publicity stunt, including a close-up of Bey’s best lacefront yet (I know, womp womp). Plus, the rest of the messy-looking tricks from they Met Gala (aka the leftovers) like Charlize Theron and a sunset-colored troll, an unreasonably modest RiRi, Kate Upton dressed like Cinco de HELL NO, and Kanye West’s $99/hour rent-a-ho from Lucifer’s Choice Discount Escorts.

Pics: Splash, Wenn

The Easiest Way To Get Ryan Reynolds To Take Off His Shirt (Or Cashmere Sweater)

Ryan Reynolds spends 98% of his day doing ab crunches (it’s better than listening to Blake NotSoLively dribble out being a life curator or whatever), so you’d think he’d just walk around topless all the time since there’s no point in having a body as buff as a vintage Chyna action figure if you’re not going to show it off at all times. But apparently, Ryan does wear tops every now and again and he wore one on a Delta flight from NYC to New Orleans two Sundays ago. According to Radar, Ryan’s top didn’t stay on that long, though.

Some witness type told Radar that Ryan and Blake NotSoLively were sitting in front of a drunken mess who kept spewing up red wine barf all over the place and her vomit sprayed all over his cashmere sweater. Drunk barfing on a plane is gross and I don’t ever recommend doing it, but if you’re going to do it, make sure you drunk barf all over Ryan Reynolds’ cashmere sweater so he’ll have to take it off. The witness said:

“About two-thirds of the way into the flight, a young lady in front of him in 1D vomited toward her window, which then spewed back all over Ryan’s beige cashmere sweater. She had clearly had too much to drink, causing her to be sick. The vomit looked like it was largely made up of red wine, and it made a huge stain on Ryan’s sweater. So he took it off!

The flight attendants were doing the best they could with giving him napkins. They tried to pretend like nothing happened. The vomiting was quiet, and I think they were all going to try to just hide what happened, but the smell was rancid! Also, you couldn’t help but notice Ryan taking off his shirt!”

The definition of “first world problems” needs to be updated to read: “When you get red wine barf on your cashmere sweater while sitting in first class.” 

I have so many questions about this highly important news story. Why didn’t that drunk trick yack into a barf bag? Do airlines charge extra for barf bags too?! Is Ryan Reynolds one of those weird ass bitches who doesn’t wear a t-shirt under his cashmere sweater (not that I’m complaining)?! Does he not wear a t-shirt under his sweater because he loves the sensation of soft cashmere gently brushing across his muscled-up nipples? Was the drunk trick watching the Green Lantern before she barfed? (Tip: You should never do that when you’re already suffering from an upset stomach.) When Ryan pulled his cashmere sweater off, did the entire first class section barf out panty pudding through their genitals (that is a natural reaction to seeing Ryan’s nipples live and in person)?  I have so many questions!

And now I know that if you ever want to see a hot piece take his top off, just barf on him. (Warning: That pick-up move may get you a punch in the mouth instead of a glimpse of man nipples.)

David Cross & Amber Tamblyn’s Wedding Brought To You By Instagram

In case sepia filters haven’t completely humped your last nerve raw, here’s a bunch of pictures from Amber Tamblyn and David Cross’ weekend wedding that Questlove Instragram’d. I knew their wedding would look like some serious mountain hippie shit, but this is just beyond. This is the most hipster-ish episode of Little House on the Prairie I’ve ever seen.

Amber wore a simple yellow dress and before walking barefoot down the dirt aisle, she showed up to the ceremony in a canoe. A CANOE! As Amy Poehler, Ryan Reynolds, Blake Lively, America Ferrera, Alexis Bledel and the Traveling Pants watched, Amber and David summoned the forest creatures of Upstate New York with their love by exchanging vows. When the officiant asked for the rings, two birds carrying wedding bands made of twigs flew in and dropped them in Amber and David’s hands. Then after they were pronounced husband and wife, a herd of deer galloped behind them as butterflies dropped cherry blossom petals above them. Then at the reception, they danced on mud to tambourine music before falling against a giant tree to eat blood oranges and share a jar of homemade strawberry wine. Then after the sun went down, a naked and dirt-covered Sienna Miller crept out of the forest to dance, dance, dance around the fireflies, because that shit wasn’t already boho enough.

And I actually like their stuffed animal cake. I knew those two were Furries!