Ryan Reynolds Admits He Was Carrying His Baby Wrong In That Baby Carrier Picture

Two weeks ago, Blake Lively decided to celebrate Ryan Reynolds’ first Father’s Day by posting a picture on Instagram of her husband carrying around their 6-month-old baby James. Rather than receiving a million comments saying “Aw sOoOoOo cute!!!“, a bunch of moms exploded into a mob of angry snakes and hissed at Ryan for not putting his baby in the carrier properly. Well, while hustling his new movie Self/Less on the TODAY show Tuesday morning, Ryan admitted he was wrong and promised to not let it happen again.

“The baby’s not properly secured in the vessel that I’m wearing there. I’m a first-time dad, and that is not the first mistake I’ve made. I can guarantee you it won’t be last. I’d never used that particular carrier before. Every other time has been perfect.”

I would love to know what some of the other mistakes Ryan has made are. I’m sure if you asked Blake Lively, most of them probably have to do with feeding Baby James strained peas straight from the jar instead of hand-mashing freshly-picked petits pois and serving it out of a rustic antique mason jar.

Shortly before he made good with one group, Ryan managed to accidentally piss off another. During the audience Q&A portion of a recent interview with AOL, Ryan Reynolds was asked what it’s like to have a wife who “literally slays it on the red carpet with whatever outfit she has on” and what he thinks about Beyonce. Ryan cemented his name at the top of the Beyhive’s shit list for the rest of his living days by answering with the following:

“My wife knows how to work a red carpet, I’ll say that. She might be the Beyonce of red carpets. And Beyonce, she’s the Michael Jordan of music to me. I’ve seen four of her shows, and that’s what comes to mind every time.”

I’m sorry, but doesn’t Ryan realize that her royal highness Beyonce is the queen of everything? Beyonce is the Beyonce of the red carpet. Beyonce is also the Beyonce of basketball (sorry, Michael Jordan). Beyonce is the Beyonce of Beyonce. I don’t even know what that means, but according to Beyonce, that’s a 100% true fact.

Here’s Ryan hustling Self/Less yesterday in what appears to be the lobby of a Holiday Inn.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Some Angry Moms Nearly Called CPS After Seeing This Picture Of Ryan Reynolds And His Baby

On Father’s Day, stale flax seed and lavender breadstick Blake NotSoLively threw up this picture on Instagram of her husband Ryan Reynolds and their 6-month-old baby daughter James with the caption: “Happy Fathers Day!!! … @vancityreynolds Since the day our baby was born, I’ve felt so strongly in my heart that you were most likely the father.” Insert “nervous laugh from Ben Affleck” here.

Some people weren’t laughing at Blake NotSoLively’s joke, because they were too busy screaming their tonsils off for the policía, the FBI, Obama, Child Protective Services, Mary Poppins and Mama Rabbit over the way Baby James is sitting in that baby backpack thing. When I see that picture, I see baby feet hanging out of a baby backpack thing. But when mad moms see that picture, they practically see Ryan Reynolds dangling his baby over a river full of blood-thirsty, hungry great white sharks. I know that great white sharks don’t live in rivers, but mad moms aren’t thinking clearly, because the veins in their brains are pumped full of boiling outrage.

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You Can Finally Release The Breath You’ve Been Holding In For Months

If you haven’t already passed out and died from holding in your breath while waiting for Ryan Reynolds and Blake NotSoLively to confirm their daughter’s name, you can finally breath again. And we can all sleep again and the planet can resume spinning. Because Ryan Reynolds and Blake NotSoLively, the only humans on Earth to name a child, have finally confirmed their daughter’s name.

Even before Blake NotSoLively birthed out their first kid late last year, Ryan joked about their baby’s name and after the birth, he continued to make jokes. Because well, if he simply said her name or didn’t say anything, he wouldn’t get as much attention. During an interview with Willie Geist on Today, Ryan finally confirmed that the rumor was right and their daughter’s name is James. Damn, I was hoping it would be Idoo Declare Lively-Reynolds.

Willie: You’re very guarded, I respect that, so I’m not going to ask you the little girl’s name, but you did say a few months ago before she was born that you were going to name her Excalibur Anaconda Reynolds. So can we call her Ana at least?

Ryan: That is not the child’s name. It is Butternut Summer Squash. No, it’s out there. It’s James. Everyone knows. I told everyone who would listen, that before it was out there I didn’t want to be the first guy screaming out to the media, because as we know, little girls turn to teenage girls and little teenage girls sometimes scan through the archives and go, “Why did you do that?“

In 16 years, I’m really sure Jim Reynolds is going to shout at her dad, “I can’t believe you told people my name after I was born. I fucking hate you!”

Yeah, I don’t think she’ll be pissed about that. Finding out that her mother was behind Preserve.us, is a completely different story….

Ryan Reynolds And Blake Lively’s Baby Might Be Named James

Stop whatever it is you’re doing, because this is EXTRA EXTRA BREAKING NEWS. Surgeons, put down your scalpels – that liver transplant will have to wait a moment, because this is very important. Because Blake Lively is still searching for the perfect Civil War-era Chantilly lace baby bonnet and an 18th century daguerreotype photographer, she has yet to introduce the world to the 2-month-old baby girl she made with Ryan Reynolds. So far, Bland’s baby is a mystery, right down to the name.

Some people thought her name was Violet, but Ryan said that was a lie. But according to E!, everyone can stop guessing the names of random flowers and field herbs, because a source has told them that the Lively-Reynolds baby is named James. Is it just me, or does Blake, Ryan, and James sound like the names of three dudes who got kicked out of their frat house for digging a home-made swimming pool into the front yard?

Bland and Van Wilder haven’t commented on whether or not that’s what they named their baby, and until someone from the new baby name office releases a picture of themselves holding up a birth certificate that says JAMES LIVELY REYNOLDS in one hand and a newspaper with today’s date on it in the other, we can’t be sure what the hell they named their baby. So don’t count yourself out if you had $20 on Apothecary Milkthistle in your office’s Blake Lively Baby Name Pool.

Blake Lively Already Had Her Baby

Sometimes it feels like famous people are a special species (“We are, you peon bitch” – famous people) who are pregnant for at least 18 months, but I guess Blake NotSoLively just had to be different and birth out her baby early.

3 months after announcing that she had a womb full of her first child with Ryan Reynolds, People says that Blake gave birth to a baby who will remind them what their original noses looked like before a plastic surgeon’s scalpel touched them. People says that even though their baby was born early, it’s healthy and fine. That’s the only detail that People has and that’s probably because Blake is going to give all the details in an eye roll-inducing post on Preserve.us. My guess is that Blake gave birth in a barn lit by candlelight with the help of a midwife. Right after she cleaned her baby off with homemade rose water, she made Ryan Reynolds leave the barn and change into a confederate soldier’s uniform before coming back in, so she could say to him, “My love, I do declare!  You came back from the war to see your fresh born kin!”

The only detail any of us care about is the baby’s name, but since Blake and Ryan are selfish, they haven’t released it yet. So let’s guess!

If it’s a girl, my guesses are: Antebella Mammy Rose, Anthropologina Cotton, Leelee O’Hara Grits, Artisanalina Clementine or Martha Stewart Jr.

If it’s a boy, my guesses are: Bayou Cane, Rhett Twain, Beauregard Sawyer, Boo Boysenberry or Top That Lincoln.

Or maybe they’ll go the old-fashioned, classic route and name their child: Fuckgoop Reynolds. Simple and timeless.

“Uh…You’re Staring At My Baby Bump, Right?”

“Sure thing boobies – errr, I mean, boobies – errr, I mean…aw fuck it, I’m too tit-notized to focus.”

Blake Lively, the come-to-life antique mason jar filled with hand-squeezed lavender lemonade, and her hot husband Ryan Reynolds took a break from procuring the finest of organic hand-churned autumnal squash-flavored frozen sweet creams and small-batch hipster pickles to attend The Angel Ball in New York City on Monday night, and – BREAKING NEWS – I sort of love that Bland brought some pregnant Vegas showgirl class to the red carpet by showing up with her knocked-up booby balloons squeezing out of her dress. I’ve never been pregnant, but I have been so bloated from binge eating Bic Macs in an attempt to find the Boardwalk sticker in McDonald’s Monopoly (pray for me, I think my heart might be dead), so I kind of know what it’s like for your tits to grow two sizes overnight. You wanna show that shit off!

I even love that she wrapped her fetus suite in a tight stretchy pastel yellow fabric; she looks like a stretched-out Easter peep or a misshapen wedge of manchego cheese. Not to mention that she’s working a pretty tight no-dye pregnancy hair game. Although I’m sure we’ll find out later on Preserve.us that she’s found a way to dye it naturally using freshly-crushed fall leaves mixed with a paste made from bee-collected chamomile flower pollen and organic meyer lemon rinds.

Here’s more of Bland and Van Wilder staring longingly into each others eyes like a couple of horny come-to-life Precious Moments figurines in front of a million photographers at The Angel Ball last night. To quote Brian The Chotchkie’s Waiter from Office Space: “Get a room you two!”

Pics: Wenn.com