Robert Pattinson Might Have Given FKA Twigs A Promise Ring

And now for some news that will surely send those last few dozen die-hard Robsten fangirls into a violent rage spiral. According to People, things are getting pretty serious between former vampire/current handsome hipster Robert Pattinson and the singer who looks like she was created in a sexy humid factory by Prince, FKA Twigs. A friend of RPattz and FKATwattz says that after dating for five months, they’re both wearing promise rings. The source goes on to add:

“He wants to marry her. [He’s] much more calm and happy than before. They are inseparable when they are together. They live at his house.”

I’d say that comment about being ‘much more happy than before’ was a subtle swipe at RPattz’s first famous girlfriend Kristen Stewart, but that’s a bit of a reach. Even KStew would be like “Eh, no offense taken; I wasn’t thrilled about the situation either” before hollering at Alicia Cargile to put on her shoes for their 4th coffee run of the day.

I’m really happy those two crazy kids found love and are having a good time rubbing their horny bits against each other in The House That Twilight Built, but promise rings? Don’t they seem a little too cool for promise rings? They strike me as more of the Sure, Whatever ring type. Oh well, jewelery is jewelery. Besides, maybe it’s not even an ‘I promise to marry you’ ring; maybe it’s an ‘I promise to always tell you when your hair looks 8-layers of NO‘ ring. That’s the kind of promise ring I can get behind.

Robert Pattinson And FKA Twigs Got All “Canoodly” At A BRIT Awards Afterparty

That sound you just heard was my inbox preparing to quit a bitch in anticipation of all the angry Robsten fangirl emails I’m about to receive that begin with the subject line “RE: That Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious-looking SKAAAAAANK!!!!”

So, I don’t know if “canoodly” is even a word, since I’m the type of person who scheduled all my college classes around The Jenny Jones Show, but it’s the best way to describe what former vampire/current aspiring dock worker Robert Pattinson and FKA Twigs were doing at a BRIT Awards afterparty. According to The Daily Mail, RFK Pantytwigs were seen getting all canoodly at the Warner Music Brits party, ie: they were holding hands and touching on each other. I know, a couple acting like a couple in public – SHOCKING. But trust me, there are definitely some die-hard Robsten fans who reacted to this news by spitting out a mouthful of sex-in-a-pan while whipping their copy of Fifty Shades Darker at the framed Edward Cullen poster on their wall.

I don’t know why RPattz is so obsessed with that low-budget Rent Boy from Trainspotting look, but either he needs to step it up a bit in the style department or she needs to hire a crappier stylist, because these two are starting to look like one of the mismatched couples on Jenny Jones every time she did an episode about unconventional relationships. I can just imagine Rude Jude as Cupid in front of a busted green screen wondering what circumstances brought a perpetually wet-looking sexy lady and the love child of Jimbo and Kearney from The Simpsons together.

Here’s more of a grimy-looking RPattz and a fancy-looking FKA Twigs leaving a BRIT Awards afterparty yesterday, as well as FKA Twigs looking fancy on the red carpet:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Well, At Least Someone Came To Play

As I said earlier, the Oscars were a boring dress parade and I’ve seen more exciting dresses at my mom’s office holiday party. Well, it looks like all the real glamour and demure sophistication was the Vanity Fair viewing and after-party. Not only was Joan Collins there with a wig hovering above her head like a glorious halo, but Crispo Ronaldo’s ex-piece Irina Shayk and the walking community theater production of RiRi’s life titled Rita Ora all wore hot outfits that let everyone know that they traded in their panties for a stick-on pussy patch.

Irina Shayk’s pantyhose dress thing is like the more modest and athletic cousin of that exquisitely classic, coochie-flashing gown that Jaimie Alexander wore in 2013. My only question besides “How many people were treated for elegance inhalation from being exposed to Irina?” is, “How did she piss?” Was there a discreet zipper involved? A snap-off thing? Or did the crotch area have a small hole where she could just stick in a Go Girl and handle it? Even if she couldn’t piss in that bodysuit gown thing and had to hold it all night, it’s worth it. Getting a bladder infection is worth bringing loads of ravishing glamour to the masses.

I bet across town at Denny’s Oscar viewing party, style icon Edy Williams raised a mug full of pink wine and soda water in the air and toasted to Irina Shayk and Rita Whora. Irina just needed more exposed nipple and a random dog, and her Edy Williams tribute would’ve been perfect.

And here’s at least 10 billion pictures from Vanity Fair’s party including pictures of Joan Collins and Monica Lewinsky (????).

Pics: Wenn.com

FKA Twigs Says That Being With Robert Pattinson Makes The Twihard Hate Worth It

Ever since FKA Twigs, the British singer with seal-shaped brows, has been seen with Robert Pattinson, the Robsten crazies have screamed, “PHOTOSHOP!” and other dumb shit. FKA Twigs tells USA Today that because of the Twitter hate, she had to curb the twatting a bit, but doing the splits on RPattz’s sparkly hobo dick is worth all the rage the Twihards throw at her. This is the reason why the Cult of RobstenIsUnbroken is outside punching twigs in trees while screaming pieces of their lungs out.

…after all, she says, she has no control over the online venom of “14-year-old kids that should be in bed” — but she still finds the constant attention difficult.

“I really enjoy the fun of putting something out and people liking it or hating it or talking about it, but vacuous attention, it feels disgusting. It’s like a hangover,” she says. “It’s weird, I know that’s not really because of me or what I’m doing, ” but nevertheless, “the positivity that I get from (my relationship) makes the more challenging aspects … very worth it.”

Because my life is sad,  I’ve spent some nights drunkenly trolling through #Robsten on Twitter and I’ve found that a lot of those crazies aren’t 14. They’re grown mothers who spend their time wallpapering their basement walls with pictures of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson because that’s not at all crazy. I see you looking at me like, “Who are you to talk, bitch. We all know you’ve almost broken your neck from spending hours pasting pictures of a half-naked Prince Hot Ging on your ceiling.” We’re not talking about me!

Nearly every pap picture I’ve seen of FKA Twigs, she’s got her mouth open and I hope that’s because she’s breathing in the delicious smoke fumes coming out of the ears of the Robsten fangirls when they see pictures of her holding hands with Kristen Stewart’s secret husband and baby father. FKA Twigs needs to really drive those crazies to the edge by walking around with a bottle of pussy lube called “Twihard Tears” and once RPattz’s hair grows over that hideous hairy skid mark, she should make him shave “#TwattIsUnbroken” into his head.

And This Is What Is Called TOO MUCH HIPSTER

Robert Pattinson finally unveiled what’s been lurking underneath his hat and it’s more terrifying and ridiculous than we could have ever imagined. The enchanted unicorn forest is now a symbol for a hipster nightmare.

At the Go Campaign’s 7th Annual Go Go Gala in Beverly Hills last night (Side note: “GO! GO!” is what I screamed after looking at the shit that Peaky Blinders threw up on RPattz’s head), RPattz  made everyone’s brain explode with the puzzle on his head. I’m going to need Dan Brown to explain this shit to me. The front is giving me “errrr” and the back is giving me “aaaaaaaah.”

RPattz’s head is like a game of Classic Concentration. I see three things on his head: a long-haired guinea pig in a wind storm, Moe Howard and an extra chunky landing strip. Hmm… What do you get when you add those things together? Oh I know. You get this word:

DEEERRRP. 

I hate to sound like one of those Robsten4Eva crazies who haven’t had their meds yet, but that is all FKA Twigs on his head. Sure, RPattz could be earning extra coins by advertising Dumber and Dumber To on his head or it could be for a movie where he plays a man who was savagely attacked by a Flowbee, but I’m guessing it was FKA Twigs’ idea. One night while she was dancing naked in a cloud of incense, she looked down at the double lane  landing strip on her crotch and thought to herself that it would be really hot if her man had a matching one on the back of his head. RPattz better watch it, though. Because Michelle Rodriguez and Gerard Butler are going to try to lick and bump crotches with the cooch strip on his head.

It could’ve been a work of art, though. All RPattz had to do was leave a circle patch underneath that strip and he would’ve paid tribute to one of the most iconic perfumes of the late 80s and 90s.

It would’ve made a statement without saying a word.

Pics: Getty, Splash

Bring On The Robsten Fangirl Tears….

Soon the California drought and hell, every drought, will be a thing of the past, because as long as hobo vampire Robert Pattinson and hobo chanteuse FKA Twigs hold hands in front of the paps, the RobstenIs4EVA fangirls will loudly weep and we’ll have gallons upon gallons of their tears to drink and wash our pits out with.

Robert Pattinson and his new piece FUCK Branches partied at Melrose Ballroom in Queens, NY last night after her show at Terminal 5 and as they left they touched hands. Or as the Robsten fangirls would describe it: Beautiful prince Robert Pattinson looked miserable as he was forced to hold hands with FKA Twigs, because his team won’t let him openly be with Kristen Stewart even though they’re secretly married and she’s waiting at home for him with their secret love child and oh fuck I hate that slut tramp whore FKA Twigs and no, no, no, doctor, you said I could have 5 minutes in the computer lab, you said, please don’t make me take my meds right now, no, no, not the tranquilizer gun, nooo.

These two actually fit together. I say that because they look like the kind of strung out, messy couple who comes up to you in a shopping center parking lot and tells you a fake sob story about how they need to see their kid all the way in Chatsworth and they ran out of gas and left their wallets at home, so if you’d be so kind to give them $20 and your address, they’ll be forever thankful and mail you the money tomorrow. That’s happened to me before and after I gave them the few dollars I had I told myself that’s a couple who’s really working together.

And I’m scared to ask what’s under RPattz’s red beanie. Something tells me unicorns don’t live there anymore.

Pics: Splash