The Twihards Are Still Pissed That Robert Pattinson Is Dating FKA Twigs, Start Trolling Her On Twitter

Even though the Twilight saga ended almost two years ago and even though it’s been a million years since Robert Pattinson quit humping on professional scowler Kristen Stewart, there are still some crazy Twihard fangirls out there clutching at their Edward Cullen and Bella Swan barbie dolls and weeping salty sparkly tears over the news that RPattz has moved on to British singer-songwriter FKA Twigs.

But because Twihards are the definition of ‘stunted’, they’ve started going after Rob’s new girlfriend in an attempt to scare her away. Unfortunately, they’re not mailing her their tear-matted Twilight dolls with a note written in glitter blood that says “RPATTZ IS TAKEN, TRY TAYLOR LAUTNER”. No, they’re much crazier than that; they’re being racist assholes on Twitter.

Continue reading

Cue The Robsten Fangirl Meltdown: Robert Pattinson Holds Hands With FKA Twigs

I didn’t know the #ROBSTENISUNBROKEN truthers were still a thing until CNN reported this morning that there’s another huge crack in the ozone layer from the high-pitched hot cries of woeful pain that the Robsten fangirls let out when seeing these pictures of Robert Pattinson holding hands with a trick who isn’t Kristen Stewart. They still will not believe. #ROBSTENISUNBROKEN will never become #ROBSTENISBROKEN. They will not let themselves believe that Rob is licking another trick’s armpit.

The former keeper of the Unicorn Forest, 28-yearold RPattz, has been dating 26-year-old British singer-songwriter FKA Twigs (born name: Tahliah Barnett) for a few weeks now and they’ve been papped hanging out in NYC. But just like I refuse to believe that Beverly Hills Teens got canceled and isn’t just on a really, really long hiatus, the Robsten fandom (yes, a little piece of my already dead soul dies more whenever I type “Robsten fandom”) refuses to believe that Robsten is out and SonWigs is in. But the hard truth stabbed them all in the hearts over the weekend when Instagram user shia_da posted pictures of RPattz and FKA Twigs holding hands while strolling on the beach in Venice, CA.

Continue reading

Robert Pattinson Says Acting Is Hard And That He Prepares For Auditions By Throwing Up And Punching Himself In The Face

During an interview to promote his new film The Rover, Robert Pattinson – the Twihard-hating Vampire trillionaire and Kristen Stewart’s former partner in greasy-haired scowling – told The Guardian (via Celebitchy) that whenever he gets a call from his agent informing him he has an audition, he turns into a neurotic mess who CAN NOT DEAL, and knows that it’s only a matter of time before he turns into the swoon-worthy British version of Regan MacNeil from The Exorcist:

“I just can’t … I literally can’t do it. It’s just me looking uncomfortable, trying to put on an American accent … or sitting in the corner, making myself throw up and punching myself in the face.” What helps get him past the neuroses, what happens after those excruciating 45 minutes that helps him perform. “Just that you think that someone actually believes you can do something,” he says. “That makes me sound like such an idiot. It’s crazy.”

RPattz also went on to say that it’s not just the auditioning that makes him want to crawl into the fetal position on the floor and weep tears of barf from his mouth-hole and pull a Moonstuck-style “Snap out of it!” slap on himself; sometimes he struggles even after he gets the job. Like during the filming of the career-defining Teen Choice Award-nominated film series Twilight:

“I think Twilight’s probably the hardest part I’ve done, because to do it for five movies, it’s really hard to think of stuff that’s maybe not boring. Especially if you don’t die. Because what’s the drama? You’re not scared of anything! And that’s the whole essence of drama: life and death.”

Calm the fuck down, RPattz; it was Twilight. All that was required of him, acting-wise, was to stand there and stare vacantly into the vacant eyes of Kristen Stewart, the vacant confused face of Taylor Lautner, and the confusing wiglet attached to Peter Facinelli’s head. Although I do partially agree with him that Twilight was probably his most difficult acting role; I’m sure even the finest of Juilliard-trained actors would have had great difficulty acting like they weren’t totally embarrassed to say shit like: “No measure of time with you will be enough, but let’s start with forever.”

Robert Pattinson Doesn’t Give A Shit About That Kristen Stewart Cheating Scandal Anymore

“We co-sign that!” – the world

Around this time two years ago, we all put our most beloved valuables (read: weed, iPad loaded with porn and Hot Fries) in a waterproof bag and built a house raft in preparation for the great, big flood of Twihard tears that was threatening to drown the planet. Twihards cried out all the liquids in their bodies after Kristen Stewart was caught getting her snatch licked by Rupert Sanders’ bull dozer tongue. The world will never be the same again and it’s a miracle that the planet is still spinning. But if there’s one trick (besides all of us) you’ll never see at the annual ROBSTEN IS FOREVER UNBROKEN memorial held every year in a Twihard’s basement, it’s RPattz. RPattz is completely over that shit.

During an interview with Esquire UK to promote a couple of movies he’s in, the subject of the munch felt around the world came up and the former keeper of the Unicorn Forest shrugged it off like it meant nothing! Like it was just a set-up contract relationship for PR that ran to its expiration date after all those Twatlight movies came out. How dare he feel “meh” about a fake relationship!

“Shit happens, you know?” he laughs. “It’s just young people… it’s normal! And honestly, who gives a shit?”

“The hardest part was talking about it afterwards. Because when you talk about other people, it affects them in ways you can’t predict,” he says. “It’s like that scene in Doubt [2008, in which Philip Seymour Hoffman plays a priest suspected of inappropriate behaviour], where he’s talking about how to take back gossip? They throw all those feathers from a pillow into the sky and you’ve got to go and collect all the feathers.”

WHO GIVES A SHIT?! Say that to the thousands of crazed Twihards who literally can’t give a shit, because after that slut whore KStew admitted to passing her poon to another, they lost their shit, colon, gallbladder, stomach and intestines. Tell that to them, RPattz! And tell it to Nutty Madam!

Actually, I don’t even think she gives a shit anymore. She’s too busy bathing the world in sticky toffee panty pudding while watching the Fifty Shades of Shit trailer. Speaking of bathing in body fluids, toward the end of RPattz’s interview with Esquire UK, he dropped a blind item. While talking about asshole bitch actors who treat crew members like trash, he told a story about one actress who took a Kardashian Kalgon bath without knowing it.

“This actress was doing a scene in the bath and she kept complaining about the temperature, how it was too hot or too cold. So everyone pissed in it and put a bunch of bubble bath in afterwards so you couldn’t smell it! This stuff happens. That’s why I avoid asking for anything. I don’t want to get anyone’s piss on me.”

I don’t know if Laura Jeanne Poon (stage name: Reese Witherspoon) took a bath in Water for Elephants, but I’m going to pretend this is about her. Water for elephants, urine for Reese!

Nothing Turns Robert Pattinson On Like Some Natural Human Stank

Portuguese magazine Activa (via HuffPo) asked RPattz out of all the five senses, which one does he use the most when finding a piece he’s attracted to. That question is some WTF Planet Earth shit, but I’m guessing they asked it, because they wanted to get him to admit that he orgasms from every pore while making out with a juicy pit. RPattz kind of admitted it when he said that he loves smelling people.

“It doesn’t necessarily have to be perfume. I like the smell of people. It is really strange and I’m sure it has to do with pheromones. We like people because subconsciously we like the way they smell. I always find this very interesting to observe.”

Pit sniffer! So RPattz is that kinky trick who buys overused jock straps and 7-day-old panties on eBay.

I see what his ass is saying, but sense of smell is like any sense, sometimes it does you right and sometimes it does you oh-so-wrong. Noses are kind of gross, but you thank the Gods that you have one when you get with a piece whose natural scent makes you squirt cum out of your nostrils. But when you get with a dirty, nasty, sucio, filthy piece, you wish your sense of smell had an off switch. And any shameless slut would never let a dirty-smelling bitch stop them from getting some. You aren’t officially a shameless, desperate trashy slut until you’ve plugged your nose and held your breath while giving a beej to a nasty-smelling dirt bag.

And since RPattz cares so much about scent, he probably sheds a tear while thinking about Kristen Stewart’s armpits in August when he walks by a hobo who smells like cooked rotten meat and Limburger cheese.

Robert Pattinson Might Be Humping On Sean Penn’s Daughter

Life & Style says that RPattz might spend Thanksgiving staring into the rotisserie roasted hemorrhoid face of Sean Penn, because he’s slathering his saliva on Dylan Penn’s armpit. RPattz’s parents obviously didn’t teach him one of life’s most important lessons: whatever you do, don’t find yourself somehow related to Sean Penn. Smoke crack a couple of times, have bareback sex with a day-shift hooker, okay, but don’t ever have a seat on a branch on the Penn family tree.

A witness type tells Life & Style that a couple of weeks ago, 27-year-old RPattz and Sean and Robin Wright’s 22-year-old Dylan were at the Viper Room and hugging on each other like Sean Penn and the late Hugo Chavez on a chilly night in their tent. The witness says that RPattz and Dylan weren’t even watching the show on stage, because they were too busy eye fucking each other.

“They were touchy-feely and very flirtatious. There was a level of comfort there. You could tell they’ve hung out a few times.”

After the show, RPattz had a little party at his house and he and Dylan were kissing in the kitchen. Everybody left at 5 in the morning, but Dylan stayed.

The “kissing in the kitchen” stuff aside, RPattz holding Dylan’s hand in public really doesn’t mean anything. I’m gayer than the sparkly wet spot that Richard Simmons leaves on his satin panties after he lets out a butt queef and if I met Dylan Penn and found out that she’s Sean Penn’s daughter, I’d hold her hand and hug her in a “Oh honey, I’m so sorry this happened to you…” kind of way.