Robert Pattinson And FKA Twigs Might Not End Up Getting Married After All

It really hasn’t been a great month for ~artsy~ type singers and their handsome Hollywood fiances. First Liam Hemsworth announces that he’s not engaged to Miley Cyrus, now this. According to InTouch – who is currently getting their asses sued by Blake Shelton for allegedly spreading lies, so take all of this with several grains of salt – FKA Twigs is being denied the aloof hipster nymph wedding of her dreams, because Robert Pattinson has called off their engagement. Their love is dead and their marriage isn’t happening.

A source says Rob and Twigs were supposed to get married this summer. But Rob recently put a bunch of stop-payments on their linen and chair rentals, because he wasn’t feeling a wedding anymore. The source claims that planning their wedding was a “major drag” for RPattz because he and Twigs were fighting all the time. Or maybe it was such a drag because Robert couldn’t ask for wedding cake suggestions on Twitter without the handful of remaining Twihards tweeting back “WHATEVUR FLAVOR U PICK I HOPE FKA TWIGS CHOKES ON IT!!!” Regardless, the source says it was “a long time coming.” They add:

“[She] isn’t the girl for him. She’s very jealous and he was sick of having to explain himself. He’s still young and just decided he wasn’t ready to settle down.”

As for that whole “having to explain himself” thing. Earlier this month, Robert was allegedly seen at a party in Beverly Hills working his greasy-haired game on some rando. But Gossip Cop wants you to know that never happened.

Neither Robert or FKA Twigs have confirmed that they’ve been calling up friends and telling them to go ahead and return that toaster they bought them. So who knows, maybe they’re still picking out china patterns and whatnot. But just in case they actually are begging for their venue deposits back, it might be a good idea for Kristen Stewart to prove there isn’t also trouble in pussydise by doing a hand-holding pap stroll with SoKo. The last thing anyone wants going into the weekend is the sound of the Nutty Madams of the world screaming that their beloved Robsten might be getting back together.

Pic: Splash

Dear Commenters, Robert Pattinson Doesn’t Think Most Of You Are Normal

All together now: I resemble that comment, you foot-faced asshole!

NME Magazine asked Robert Pattinson what he thinks about the racist comments that crazed trolls spewed out and continue to spew out about his girlfriend FKA Twigs. That question led to RPattz talking about the commenters of the Internet and how to him, most comment sections are dark, smelly dungeons where faceless blob demons mouth shit out hate. (Side note: I do write “mouth-shitting faceless dungeon demon” as my occupation on my tax returns.) According to RPattz, comment sections, like the one on YouTube, are cesspools of hate, because no normal person ever leaves a comment.

“I was talking to my dad about this and I bet him that if he looked up Nelson Mandela’s funeral on YouTube, the first comment would be a racist one. And it was, with like a million upvotes.

What I don’t get is why. I think it’s because most normal people are not commenters – I’ve never met anyone who’s left a comment on anything. It’s just demons who live in basements. You have this weird thing where you end up trying to fight against this faceless blob, where the more you hate it, the bigger it gets, because it’s all in your head.”

I don’t know if he realizes that he just insulted a huge chunk of his fanbase since they leave insane comments about him on blogs. But then again, they’re not normal, so carry on, RPattz.

RPattz went on to say that sometimes when he’s in a place where he hates himself, he decides to suffer even more by Googling his name. I guess it’s cheaper and less messy than paying a dominatrix to piss on his face and spit in his eyes.

“I go through periods where I don’t do it at all and feel glorious! Then I’ll fall back into this pit. It really does affect you, and it all comes from some moron sitting on a comment board. It’s always that person who’s needling away at you, who you either want to destroy, or convince them to love you.”

RPattz needs to get his facts straight. I don’t even live in a basement! I’m just a regular first floor demon. But really, I’m guessing that RPattz has never been to the Dlisted comment section where everyone loves each other, no one ever fights and we all say nice things like, “I just love that Robert Pattinson, he’s a wonderful actor and attractive human being,” while making each other friendship bracelets. #NOTALLCOMMENTERS!

Pic: Wenn.com

If You Want To Highly Offend Robert Pattinson, Mistake Him For An American

The next time you log on Facebook, expect to see a petition to American movie theaters asking them to ban every single movie starring that American-hating piece of trash Robert Pattinson!

The British pit licker did an interview with Elle France (via MSN) to push his new movie Life and they asked him what is the worst thing anybody has ever said about him. Well, America is totally going to declare war on our EX-ally Britain thanks to the shit that came out of Robert Pattinson’s mouth. RPattz has played an American many times in movies, but he says that he hates it when someone mistakes him for one. You can tell that this US-hating trick hates America, because he doesn’t even speak American when he’s here! He still speaks in that funny accent! Anyway, this is what he said:

“It’s going to make you laugh, but as a Brit, to hear someone say I’m American is the worst insult! I am English! Let it be known once and for all!”

RPattz lives in L.A. half of the time, but he’s happiest in the UK and Europe and I’m guessing it’s because there’s less Americans over there, which is wonderful since he hates us more than he hates soap!!!!!!!!!!11!!!1!!1^*!!

“I live between Los Angeles and London. But being in London is a pure delight. They leave me alone. It’s the same everywhere in Europe. The other day I was strolling around Paris, and nobody bothered me!”

Go ahead and add Robert Pattinson’s name to the list of “Whores Who Should Be Banned From America” right under Ariana Grande Latte. But seriously, I would think that RPattz’s answer to the question, “What is the worst insult someone can call you?“, would be, “The star of 5 Twilight movies.” Because that’s the insult of all insults.

Pic: Wenn.com

Get Into Robert Pattinson Serving Up Some Sweet Bopping At Coachella

Nobody has ever set fire to the grounds of Coachella the way that Leonardo DiCatchAHo did when he delivered some “middle-aged dad doing Zumba while high on meth” during MGMT’s set last year, but Robert Pattinson still tried to out-dork Leo in the moves department on Sunday night.

One of the prices a multi-millionaire movie star may have to pay for being a multi-millionaire movie star is that a stranger will record him awkwardly swaying and bopping to Drake at Coachella. While his fiancee FKA Twigs gracefully moved like a blissed out nymph at a seance, RPattz moved like a sumo wrestler bobble head figure doing a lazy version of the Humpty Dance. The beat got a hold of RPattz’s shoulders and shook him until he looked like a dry heaving turtle. (Hmmm, on that note, maybe he just watched Madonna suck the life force out of Drake.)

Here’s another one for your “White Dudes Dancing To Hip Hop” file.

He looks like a haughty video game villain cackling while watching his minions attack his enemy. But I can’t totally laugh at his dork moves, because if that was me, that video would’ve ended much differently. It would’ve ended with a paramedic trying to do the Heimlich maneuver on me, because when I dance to hip hop while vaping, I look like a fucked up orangutan choking on a carrot stick.

And here’s some pictures of RPattz at Coachella over the weekend. The computer lab screens in the Twihard ward of every mental hospital are probably covered in saliva, because you know those hardcore Twihards licked the moist spot on RPattz’s pit.

Pics: Wenn.com

Kristen Stewart Isn’t Crying Any Tears Over Robert Pattinson’s Engagement

I know she may look like she’s two seconds away from doing the full body sadness slump into a pile of Robert Pattinson’s old greasy-pitted t-shirts, but apparently that’s actually Kristen Stewart’s face’s way of communicating serene happiness. According to People, KStew isn’t bothered by the fact that her former partner in real life Twilight fan fiction fuckery has given his girlfriend of 6 months an engagement ring. A source (Hi Alicia Cargile!) says that when KStew found out about the possibility of FKA Twigs becoming Mrs. FKA Twigs-Pattz, she just sort of shrugged her shoulders and continued practicing her scowl in the mirror:

“Kristen is doing fine, working and traveling, and she will survive Robert’s engagement. She has her own life and has moved on. Kristen lives a much more low-key life now and seems happier. It was obvious that she was struggling with the media attention [during her relationship with Rob].”

I’m sure reading that made those last few Twihards so furious their hands couldn’t even type out the words “LIAR! KRISTEN IS WEEPING TEARS OF PURE SADNESS, I KNOW IT!” without wanting to whip their keyboards halfway across the room. But I believe it. Like Kristen even cares that her ex might be getting married? Or even cares about marriage at all? She totally seems like the type who would show up to her own wedding day in a pair of ripped black jeans and a Joy Division shirt like with a Marlboro red hanging out of the corner of her mouth, hissing “Okay, let’s get this over with” before chugging an entire bottle of champagne. Actually, that sounds like a super fun wedding.

FKA Twigs May Become FKA Pattz

Her last name is Twigs, right?

During a conversation with Vulture (via Popsugar) about music and stuff, the godfather of Auto-Tune T-Pain said that he listens to a lot of FKA Twigs for inspiration and when he was asked if he’s working on her next album, he dropped a bomb that will make the Robsten fangirls scream until their tonsils rip off, fly out of their mouths and wiggle on the floor. A window in my bedroom just broke and I’m pretty sure it was from the pressure of the high-pitched wail that Nutty Madam let out all the way from England. T-Pain just casually let it be known, that you know, FKA Twigs is engaged to ol’ Patty, no big deal:

Will FKA Twigs be on your new album?
Well, the first time we even met each other, we met in the studio. Her music’s changed a lot since then. But she’s on tour so much, and anytime I call her, she’s in a different place. And she’s engaged now, so that’s about to be a whole other thing. [Laughs.]

Wait, she’s engaged? That’s news to me.
Yeah, to ol’ Patty [Robert Pattinson]. I don’t know if she wanted anybody to know that …

Couldn’t T-Pain have waited, because the Internet is barely starting to rebuild itself after it was nearly destroyed from that Zayn news. But seriously, I don’t think the Robsten fan girl wing of mental hospitals need to make room for new patients just yet. I’m sure those crazies haven’t totally lost it, because they probably think this could be a prank and they’re furiously refreshing Vulture until they see the words “UPDATE: APRIL FOOLS’!” Or they’re gathering evidence to prove their theory that FKA Twigs is holding one of the unicorns from ol’ Patty’s enchanted forest hostage and is making him marry her.

And here’s some pictures of FKA Twigs wearing a gold ring on THAT FINGER at the Alexander McQueen exhibit last month. It’s either ‘shopped or she, Vulture and T-Pain have been working on this elaborate prank for a long time! Obviously.

Pics: Wenn.com